Chapter Two
Things like this shouldn't happen to people like him. They shouldn't really happen to good people. I knew a lot of good people and a lot of terrible things had happened to them. When I think about how Frances lay dying and bleeding all over his own work place, it makes me wonder how God can let a violent unpredictable felon like Clavo Cruz, live and let his crime go unpunished. Sometimes alone in bed I lay sprawled restlessly in my pastel green sheets thinking about God. My thoughts range from several bases. Sometimes I wonder if God is still punishing me for the crime I committed against my mother's murderer, a life time ago. A lot of things can happen in our lives that can make us question fate to God, depending on which we believe in. A case like this, a man like him, it sometimes makes me wonder if God was testing me.
My day has been anything but normal, just like my life. It's just been full of surprises. From Ray's supposed death to the flight him, and what was left of my family, took to Mexico.
A friend once asked me how can be the Lt of C.S.I.? The question surprised me; I've never stopped and thought about it. What could I say? For a few minutes I went over some of the reasons in my head, not stopping to analyse a single one. I loved the job, I loved the people, and they were my family, my drive. I felt the need to help people; I'd be rendered obsolete if I didn't. Already I felt obsolete. I couldn't save Francis, I couldn't protect him. Yet wasn't it my job to?
Sometimes I wonder if God has some divine plan for me. I've dedicated my whole life to catching criminals, the scum of the earth and God won't grant me even a little bit of peace. I feel wretched, like part of my soul feels like it's been sucked out of me. Part of me refuses to believe in God or the idea that there is any good in the world. Each of us knowingly as a Darkside, it's whether we chose to use it or not is another matter. The criminals we see everyday are an example of that.
I know sometimes I stand on the edge of things. I'm even aware I come across as cold and uncaring sometimes. I'm aware that there are things going on with my family I don't see sometimes. I didn't see the problems Eric was having; I didn't talk to him to find out why he was acting so suspiciously. I've been slipping lately. I didn't realize that his sister Marisol was dying of cancer. I didn't realize that Hagen had been beating on Calleigh for weeks before she told me. The signs were there, but I didn't pick up on them. I didn't see that Speed had been cutting himself to handle the guilt he was feeling over the death of a police officer after the Dispo Day shooting. They all told me after. They said I'd given them the strength to handle things on their own, and when they overcame them they chose to tell me, these personal things to prove how much I'd helped them. I didn't feel like I'd helped them. I felt like I'd failed them that they couldn't come to me with their problems at the time. I didn't know how to make them happy anymore, and that pains me more that you can really imagine.