Hermione nodded. "Here, Lauren and I can go get the owl. The rest of you can split up.
But, try not to get in any trouble and don't make it obvious that you're all, um, unmagical
people."
A few minutes later, Hermione and Lauren were looking over the prospects. "How about this one?" Lauren asked, pointing to a small, grey owl.
"Sure," Hermione shrugged.
They purchased the owl and then went off to get something for lunch. Hermione picked up her drink as she asked, "So, what're you going to name him?"
Lauren thought for a moment. "I think I'll call him Voldemort."
Hermione spat out her drink. "What!"
"Voldemort!" Lauren repeated.
A number of witches and wizards nearby jumped and/or shrieked.
"Um, she said, er, that her pet vole has warts. Yes, voley warts. Not, um, you know"
Hermione said, trying (and failing) to cover it up. Then she whispered, "Lauren, you
can't be serious."
"I am," Lauren said adamantly. "Do you have a better suggestion?"
Hermione thought a moment. "All right. But how about Tom instead? You know, as in Tom Riddle?"
"Oh, alright!" Lauren said. She looked at the small owl. "Ah, Tommy's so cute!" she cooed.
Hermione rolled her eyes. She knew this had been a bad idea.
Meanwhile, Jesse, Garry, Kelsey, Jared, Leslie, and Billy were running for their lives.
"Herrrrrmmiiiiiooooiiiiineeeeeee!"
See, what happened was just this:
"This wind began to switch! The house, to pitch! And suddenly hinges started to unhitch!
Just then, the witch! To satisfy an itch, went flying on her broomstick, thumbing for a
hitch. Oh! What happened then was rich!"
"Kelsey, shut it!" Jesse ordered.
"We represent the Lollipop Guild! The Lollipop Guild!"
"Jared! Shush!"
"Ding, dong the witch is dead!"
"Kelsey!"
"Which old witch?"
"Jared!"
"The wicked witch!"
"Kelsey! Jared! Shut up!" Jesse yelled.
They shut up.
"Ooh, let's try this place!" Leslie squealed.
"Weasley's Wizarding Wheazes?" Garry asked. "I dunno, it sounds pretty stupid to me."
"You-No-Poo?" Billy questioned.
"C'mon, let's just go in," Kelsey whined.
The shop they entered was crowded with people in robes and wizard hats. Needless to say, the six Muggles felt a little self conscious in their attire. Well, except for Billy, who was wearing camouflage.
Two red haired guys popped up from out of no where. They were trying to tell people about some new product that made people's noses grow 300 bigger.
"What a couple of dorks," Kelsey said.
"Mmm-hmm," Jesse nodded and agreed.
Okay, long story short, they knocked over a bunch of shelves, caused several people's noses to grow three times bigger and then knocked over a helpless, little old lady.
So, now they were running for their lives, with two dorky red heads chasing after them.
You can probably imagine how surprised Hermione and Lauren were when the six
teenagers bursted into the room yelling, "Those red headed dorks are trying to kill us!
Heeeelllllllp!"
"Oh, no," Lauren groaned.
Hermione really didn't want to run into the Weasley twins right then, especially not after
her break up with Ron. So she said, "Quick, take my hands!" In about three seconds,
seven Muggles were clinging onto Hermione, she Apparated, and two red headed dorks
ran into the building, only to wind up incredibly confused. "We'll get you our pretties!" the
dork twins shouted in unison. "And your little owl too!"
"Whoa... That was so cool!" Kelsey exclaimed after Apparating.
"Hey," Jared said, feeling his face. "What happened to my eyebrows?"
"Um, I have to go now," Hermione said quickly. "Write to me, okay?"
"Of course," Lauren replied.
Hermione left feeling confused and annoyed, but overall quite happy.
The next week, Hermione was back on the train to Hogwarts. She had just come from
an embarrassing confrontation with Ron (let's just say that he burst out crying and
yelling, "You hate me! You hate me!" right in the middle of the Prefect meeting). So,
now she was trying to find a compartment to sit in that was devoid of
crying/moping/rampaging idiots. Oh, and that was also devoid of the sight of Neville and
Luna making out. Ugh. Do you know how disturbing it is to watch someone make out
with a toad on their head?
Hermione was a bit upset, partially because she hadn't been able to get to be Head Girl,
but that the position was given to some Hufflepuff girl. After all the times she'd saved
that school's arse, you'd think they'd at least give her something for it.
Hermione finally found a compartment. There was only one other person inside: a dark haired woman in her mid-thirties. She was very young looking, though, and was very pretty, to say the least.
"Hello. I'm Hermione Granger," she said. "You are?"
"Forma Gravis. New Defense Against the Dark Arts professor," the dark haired woman said. "I'll probably only be here for the year, though."
"How come?" Hermione asked, sitting down.
"No reason in particular," the woman said casually. "I'm just sort of guessing. That's all."
The two women were silent for a moment. "So," Hermione began. "Are you looking forward to teaching at Hogwarts?"
Professor Gravis shrugged. "On the plus side," she started, "I'll probably be the least
strange Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher they've had for the past few years.
When you consider everyone else, I'm almost normal."
"Well, some of them weren't that bad," Hermione said.
Gravis snorted. "Not that bad? Are you telling me guys with You-Know-Who on the back
of their head, self-loving morons who just happen to have nice hair and fantastic teeth,
whimpy werewolves that probably only took the job because they couldn't get taken on
anywhere else, crazy lunatics that turn out to be even crazier lunatics disguised in their
body, fat women with a face that could kill (though it would only be putting you out your
misery), and a murderous traitor 'weren't that bad'!" Gravis had to catch her breath.
"Um, no, I guess not," Hermione mumbled, thinking that Gravis was a little odd herself.
Hermione hadn't known the woman for long, but she did seem to have a bit of a temper,
considering that she screamed that last paragraph at the top of her lungs.
Recomposing herself, Gravis smiled. "Now then, that's taken care of."
"Um, right," Hermione said, inching away from Gravis.
Gravis looked at Hermione. "I thought I recognized your name. You're that girlfriend of Harry Potter's, right?"
"We're just friends, Professor," Hermione hurriedly replied, shivering from the idea of going out with creepy, moping, crying, sighing, rampaging, nut job Harry.
"Oh. Who's the other one? Don Weasles, right?"
"Ron Weasley."
"Oh, I see," the professor said. "I used to be best friends with Lily, Harry's mother. I'm probably the only one who really knew her. She was a real funny girl."
"Did you know James Potter much?" Hermione asked curiously.
"Yes, of course," Gravis replied. "Everyone knew that arrogant son of a-Ooh! Look!
We're almost there!"
Inching even further away from Gravis, Hermione asked, "Um, Professor Gravis, would
you mind if I asked why you hated him so much? Everyone else seemed to adore him.
Well, almost everyone."
Gravis rolled her eyes. "For starters, he was rude, selfish, piggish, sexist, stupid,
bullyish, and other things I can't even mention. In fact, there's only one person from my
school days at Hogwarts that I hated more."
"Who was that?" Hermione asked.
"My ex-husband," the woman replied.
"Then why did you marry him?"
"Because I loved that stupid idiot."
"If you loved him, why did you divorce him, then?"
"Well, we got in a huge fight and, um, this really isn't any of your business."
Gravis gave Hermione a weirded out stare. Hermione reddened, wishing more than anything that this trip was over. "Sorry to intrude."
"Humph! You should be!" Gravis said, turning her head.
What a strange person, Hermione thought.
The train stopped. There was the familiar call of, "First years! First years!" Of course,
there were less first years than there had been any of her other years at Hogwarts
because of the whole thing that happened a few months earlier.
Hermione sat down at the Gryffindor table, far away from Ron, Ginny, and Harry, who,
at the current time, were crying, glaring, and rampaging, in that order. Actually, Harry
had just thrown a fist full of mashed potatoes and a chicken bone at the sobbing Ron,
while saying, "GRRRR! And the next time I find you, I'm going to be ready. The next
time you annoy me, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"
Oh boy. This was going to be a long, long year.