A Distorted Reality
Full Title: A Distorted Reality is now a Necessity to be Free
"All you ladies and you gentlemen,
Between is all you've ever seen or been,
Fit poorly and arrange the sight,
Doll it up in virgin white. . .
Shine on me baby, cause it's raining in my heart."
-Elliott Smith
"Happy one month in a church rectory," Spinner grumbled as he was led to a folding chair by his girlfriend's tight grip on his wrist.
Darcy's little face feigned shock and hurt. "You said you were finding religion with me, Spin, as long as you found some other things as your version of, erm, after school activities."
He grunted and made a gesture as if his hands were around her neck. "I know, but it's just, tonight's our one month. I thought we could do something special."
She hushed him as the evening's speaker approached the microphone. "This is special, Spin," she whispered, "special to me."
The orator's voice drowned her out for the next forty-five minutes, and that's how long it took Spinner to realize he was entirely over this God scene.
. x . ADR . x . Manny . x . Spinner . x . Darcy . x . ADR . x .
She sat on a rusted swing next to him and they both let their legs dangle inches off the ground. The previous evening had brought a violent storm that left remnants of water that pooled at the soft ground between the two lovers' feet.
The girl attempted to brush some of the brown hair out of her eyes, but it fell immediately back into place. The sun had set an hour or two prior and the early fall nights in Eastern Canada were becoming slightly colder. She shivered as she spoke the words, "You saw her again, didn't you?"
He nodded. There was nothing left to do but admit defeat. "She's, she's breaking, Darce. She's lonely and alone, and she has no one else. What am I supposed to do? Jay said he saw her at the ravine and-"
She cut him off, allowing the anger to bubble up in her voice. "I know! She's destroying herself and you're Mister Perfect, saving the day again. She's playing you, Spinner. And everyone can see it but you."
His grip on the chains attaching the swing to the royal blue bar tightened, but he had promised himself that he wouldn't yell. "I promised her I'd always be there for her. She made a mistake, but you taught me forgiveness. Now I'm really learning how to use it."
"Amazing, Spinner. You use my own words against me. Yes, I taught you how to forgive, but I didn't teach you how to cheat on me with your ex-girlfriend, with Manuella Santos. I think I would remember if I had."
"Darcy, accusing me like that isn't getting us anywhere. I haven't touched Manny since I dated her last year, and she hasn't touched anyone since that. For you to think that I would leave you for her just shows how much trust you have in me. Darcy, can't you see that she needs me?"
She shook her head and a stray tear fell onto her faded blue jeans. She brushed the tear into her leg, but a faint wet mark was still visible. He glanced down at it before gazing at the see-saw again. "She doesn't need you, Spinner, she needs someone. And you're there."
He let go of the metal links and stuffed his hands inside of his oversized, dark hoodie's front pocket. He gripped his own hands tightly, and they began to ache. "I'm not sure what you want me to do. I've said that too many times."
She stood up and put her hair in a ratty ponytail. "Figure out what you want. It's that simple. I'm not here. I'm not going to be here until you figure out who it is you want. It isn't cheating if we're not even dating."
. x . ADR . x . Manny . x . Spinner . x . Darcy . x . ADR . x .
His hand fell limp on the journal. He didn't realize how hard he had been writing until he turned two, three, six pages ahead and he could still see the indents from his words. He hadn't realized how much he used her as a muse until she was gone, and the broken hearted lyrics on his old albums were the only ones that seemed to make any sense.
He looked down at the tattered journal and finally read the words he had written over and over again because of a foolish belief that they were his mantra. "You never lose your head quite like when you are in the presence of a beautiful girl." He wrote them about Manny, of course, about their one night of haphazard passion.
But now they seemed contrite. These words had become the physical evidence that he had become what he had always hated. It was a moment of weakness. They were in his backseat, and she looked so damn good, and there was a novelty of it all: they sat together in his intensely small car as they fumbled to make contact. It was his beautiful catastrophe.
She was his beautiful catastrophe. However, a catastrophe is nothing if not disastrous. That is what she had become: the downfall of his being. No matter which we he spun it, he was not meant to end up with Manny. And in that scenario, he had figured everything out. He loved Darcy; it had always been her.
He wasn't stupid. He knew that he screwed it up, that he wasn't getting it back. He crossed a line with Manny, a line Darcy really didn't want him to cross, and there was no getting around that. Hallmark doesn't make "Sorry I slept with my ex" cards for a reason. There's no hope left. There is no chance of resurrecting the relationship.
And, boy, if Spinner Mason knew one thing, it was the prospect of losing someone for good because of a stupid mistake. He almost lost his best friend to death, but then he did lose his best friend: the crippled boy couldn't even look at him anymore. That went double for all of his close friends and his girlfriend.
He crossed out his mantra and wrote "I am a stupid, ignorant fool" in its place on the paper. He glanced at the bedside table clock. It's too late, it's always too damn late. He picked up the key ring off the same table. Well, he reasoned, there will never be a better time. It's not like Darcy ever goes to sleep before 2:00 AM anyway.
His hands made the steering wheel wet but his grip was tight enough so that they didn't slide. Her mix was playing through the speakers and her scent was still faintly noticeable, or maybe that was in his head. His eyes teared as the music flowed over him: "I'm not sleeping; cold wind blowing in the middle of the night. They try to find me but I'm still driving. . ."
Her house still looked the same after two weeks, he remarked to himself. Her family hadn't remodeled or added on and the only change, albeit rather unnoticeable to the everyday pedestrian, was the replanted garden out front that would bloom in spring. He parked his car somewhat down the street to avoid the parking hassle that was in front of her house.
He found a few small pebbles on the way to her backyard, and he hid them in his front pocket. He hadn't played baseball since he was in grade 3, so it was awkward as he chucked the small, round stones up at her window. Two out of the first five he threw hit the window lightly, and seeing a light come on, he dropped the remaining rocks into the grass.
She came to the window in an old BYU long-sleeved tee-shirt that she probably stole from her dad's drawer. When she abandoned the window and came out the back door a few seconds later, he could see more clearly that it was huge on her, the cuffs were rolled and the fabric long cleared her knees. "What's up, Spin? Why are you here so late?" she asked, stifling a yawn.
His fingers curled into a ball near his mouth as he searched for the right words to say. He might've come up with a game plan tonight and waited until tomorrow to stalk her. That would make more sense than dragging her out of bed in the middle of the night and having nothing intelligible to say. "I slept with Manny," he said after a long silence.
She lowered herself onto their patio bench and wrapped her frail looking arms around her waist. He wondered what every little movement could mean: every blink, every twitch, every flinch. He wondered a million times more why he slept with Manny that night. He wondered why he hadn't yet apologized. And then she spoke. "I know. I knew that."
He had mentally prepared a very long list of responses she might have, but that one was never even considered. He tried to hide his shock, but then he decided to just move on and deal with Manny's loquacious tendencies later. "It made me realize what I was missing out on. Don't take this the wrong way, but I fell in love with you that night. I made my decision. It's you."
She played at the tattered edges of the shirt's fabric without speaking for a long while. Spinner took a seat on the bench across from her but didn't make eye contact. He couldn't bare to face her while she rejected him. Whatever, it was par for the course for Spinner Mason. "It's what I wanted. It hurt when you slept with her, but you're back now."
"And I'm so, so sorry for sleeping with her. I don't know what was going through my head that night, but all I knew is that I couldn't bring myself to face you. You never did anything wrong except you accepted me when no one else would, including her. And now I know where my loyalties lie. They're with you. I love you."
She managed a slight smile and her shaking seemed to stop despite the growing frigidity of the weather. "I think we can do this again. But for the love of all thing's holy, keep your dick in your pants. It's really that simple. And don't fall for the bag of tricks Manny Santos has up her sleeve. It'll come back to bite you in the ass."
He moved over to her bench and linked his pinky with hers. "I promise."