Now actually. So when the evil Anise realised that Sam wasn't dead after all (that magic mirror isn't as thick as it looks) she got quite mad.
"I'm mad!"
I never would have guessed. So she went down into her lab and made a poisoned apple with her doohickeys to put Sam into an enchanted sleep that only true love's first kiss could break.
"Mwhahaha!"
Um, yeah. Right.
"Now I shall put on a disguise that she'll never recognise me in."
Yeah Anise you're right - she's never seen you with a shapeless old jumper and old joggers on before!
"Are you insinuating something?"
Never. So the evil Anise took her apple and donned her charity shop outfit and went off to find the little cottage where Sam was hiding. Luckily for her she'd just had the global posistioning system installed and so it really didn't take long at all before she found the place and was knocking at the door. Unfortuneately for Sam the not-quite-dwarves had just popped out to get some spare batteries so she was on her own and had to answer the door herself.
"Hello?"
"Hello dearie. I'm collecting for Oxfam - do you want an apple?"
Oh yeah. That's a really convincing cover story.
"You're giving away apples?"
"Yes dearie. As an incentive to give money to the poor orphans."
"Well I'll give you some money but I'll pass on the apple thanks."
"But... but... why not?"
"I'm allergic, sorry."
Now you're in trouble.
"No, I'm not! Like all good evil-doers I have a plan B!"
Oh dear. Is that a frying pan?
"And enchanted frying pan I'll have you know. It makes all the difference."
Right. So the evil Anise clobbered Sam over the head with the enchanted frying pand and ran off, leaving Sam unconcsious on the floor.
"Erk."
Quite. Now soon afterwards the not-quite-dwarves returned and saw Sam lying on the floor.
"Out of my way - I'm a doctor!"
Well yes you are - that's why you're called 'Doc' isn't it?
"Really? Is that why?"
You're so quick it's scary. So, how is she?
"She's in an enchanted sleep that can only be broken by love's first kiss."
But she was hit by a frying pan!
"And enchanted frying pan. It makes all the difference."
So I've heard. So the not-quite-dwarves put Sam in a pretty casket with flowers and put ads in the local paper for any available princes. Then they went to get revenge on the evil Anise and her equally evil daughters.
"Ooooh, I'm scared."
And so you should be. Three's seven of them and only three of you.
"Oh heck."
Quite. So now you're in trouble.
"Arrrggghhhhh!"
Go Graham! Get Simmonsella! Woohoo!
"Does this qualify me for a realy name?"
Well, I guess so. Go Dopey!
"Oh great. That's just what I asked for."
Aw just get Simmonsella will you?
"Erk."
One down.
"Get here Kinseyella! We'll show you retribution for all those times you were mean to Jack!"
You go Stoic and Clumsy! But Clumsy, mind the-
"Oomph."
Never mind. So with the evil daughters out of the way only the evil Anise herself remained. Short'n'Grey treid punching her but it didn't work; he was too small.
"Mwahahaha!"
Balding treid next, but he was too big!
"Mwahahaha!"
"What is this anyway? Goldilocks invades Snow White?"
Hush. So then the not-quite-dwarves released the last weapon in their arsenal - PowerMad!
"I knew it! I knew he'd be a plot device! Didn't I say so Sam? Oh wait, she's unconsious."
"I am Apophis! You will bow before me! I will take you as my queen!"
"Aha! I think not! I am Tok'ra, and that means you can't take me as your host."
Oh, yeah, sorry Anise, but I forgot to mention. It's sort of like this, well, um, you're not a Tok'ra anymore.
"What? Why not?"
Because I say not and I have the red pen?
"Uh oh."
Quite. So PowerMad ran off with Anise to start an evil empire in a galaxy far, far away and the 6 remaining not-quite-dwarves returned home. When they got there they discovered that Prince Jack had answered their ad (apparently that was the sort of sign he'd been looking for) and had gone and woken Sam up by administering mouth to mouth.
"That's love's first kiss to you."
Really? It looks more like love's twentieth to me.
"Details, details."
Hmm, I suppose. So Prince Jack and Sam rode off into the sunset and married soon after (this meant that Sam finally got a last name). Balding decided that being a not-quite-dwarf wasn't for him and joined the Airforce with Doc. Clumsy and Stoic went to Las Vegas and perform every Thursday night in the Egyptian nightclub there doing Abydonian stand-up. Short'n'Grey returned to the Asguard where he retired. Graham made an official protest about his dwarf-name situation, but it fell through. He can now be found as the president of 'Sams Anonymous' under the name of X.
"I'm mad!"
I never would have guessed. So she went down into her lab and made a poisoned apple with her doohickeys to put Sam into an enchanted sleep that only true love's first kiss could break.
"Mwhahaha!"
Um, yeah. Right.
"Now I shall put on a disguise that she'll never recognise me in."
Yeah Anise you're right - she's never seen you with a shapeless old jumper and old joggers on before!
"Are you insinuating something?"
Never. So the evil Anise took her apple and donned her charity shop outfit and went off to find the little cottage where Sam was hiding. Luckily for her she'd just had the global posistioning system installed and so it really didn't take long at all before she found the place and was knocking at the door. Unfortuneately for Sam the not-quite-dwarves had just popped out to get some spare batteries so she was on her own and had to answer the door herself.
"Hello?"
"Hello dearie. I'm collecting for Oxfam - do you want an apple?"
Oh yeah. That's a really convincing cover story.
"You're giving away apples?"
"Yes dearie. As an incentive to give money to the poor orphans."
"Well I'll give you some money but I'll pass on the apple thanks."
"But... but... why not?"
"I'm allergic, sorry."
Now you're in trouble.
"No, I'm not! Like all good evil-doers I have a plan B!"
Oh dear. Is that a frying pan?
"And enchanted frying pan I'll have you know. It makes all the difference."
Right. So the evil Anise clobbered Sam over the head with the enchanted frying pand and ran off, leaving Sam unconcsious on the floor.
"Erk."
Quite. Now soon afterwards the not-quite-dwarves returned and saw Sam lying on the floor.
"Out of my way - I'm a doctor!"
Well yes you are - that's why you're called 'Doc' isn't it?
"Really? Is that why?"
You're so quick it's scary. So, how is she?
"She's in an enchanted sleep that can only be broken by love's first kiss."
But she was hit by a frying pan!
"And enchanted frying pan. It makes all the difference."
So I've heard. So the not-quite-dwarves put Sam in a pretty casket with flowers and put ads in the local paper for any available princes. Then they went to get revenge on the evil Anise and her equally evil daughters.
"Ooooh, I'm scared."
And so you should be. Three's seven of them and only three of you.
"Oh heck."
Quite. So now you're in trouble.
"Arrrggghhhhh!"
Go Graham! Get Simmonsella! Woohoo!
"Does this qualify me for a realy name?"
Well, I guess so. Go Dopey!
"Oh great. That's just what I asked for."
Aw just get Simmonsella will you?
"Erk."
One down.
"Get here Kinseyella! We'll show you retribution for all those times you were mean to Jack!"
You go Stoic and Clumsy! But Clumsy, mind the-
"Oomph."
Never mind. So with the evil daughters out of the way only the evil Anise herself remained. Short'n'Grey treid punching her but it didn't work; he was too small.
"Mwahahaha!"
Balding treid next, but he was too big!
"Mwahahaha!"
"What is this anyway? Goldilocks invades Snow White?"
Hush. So then the not-quite-dwarves released the last weapon in their arsenal - PowerMad!
"I knew it! I knew he'd be a plot device! Didn't I say so Sam? Oh wait, she's unconsious."
"I am Apophis! You will bow before me! I will take you as my queen!"
"Aha! I think not! I am Tok'ra, and that means you can't take me as your host."
Oh, yeah, sorry Anise, but I forgot to mention. It's sort of like this, well, um, you're not a Tok'ra anymore.
"What? Why not?"
Because I say not and I have the red pen?
"Uh oh."
Quite. So PowerMad ran off with Anise to start an evil empire in a galaxy far, far away and the 6 remaining not-quite-dwarves returned home. When they got there they discovered that Prince Jack had answered their ad (apparently that was the sort of sign he'd been looking for) and had gone and woken Sam up by administering mouth to mouth.
"That's love's first kiss to you."
Really? It looks more like love's twentieth to me.
"Details, details."
Hmm, I suppose. So Prince Jack and Sam rode off into the sunset and married soon after (this meant that Sam finally got a last name). Balding decided that being a not-quite-dwarf wasn't for him and joined the Airforce with Doc. Clumsy and Stoic went to Las Vegas and perform every Thursday night in the Egyptian nightclub there doing Abydonian stand-up. Short'n'Grey returned to the Asguard where he retired. Graham made an official protest about his dwarf-name situation, but it fell through. He can now be found as the president of 'Sams Anonymous' under the name of X.
We hope that you enjoyed todays show and will come back soon for more exciting adventures with SG-1. Please watch your step and deposit all trash in the appropriate recepticles on your way out. Have a nice day!