Boba Fett (Jealous Sister 1)
Darth Vader (Venus)
Han Solo (Jealous Sister 2)Leia Organa (Psyche)
Luke Skywalker (Cupid)
Obi-Wan (Prosperine)
Yoda (Narrator/Oracle)
(Darth is standing to one side, admiring himself in a compact mirror. Luke is playing with his lightsaber. Yoda speaks via a voiceover.)
Yoda: Upon a time once, a beautiful girl there lived. Leia her name was. So beautiful was she, worshipped she was by men. But angered Darth Vader this did, for most beautiful in the galaxy he wished to be. To his son for help he went…
Darth: Luke, Luke, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all? -breathe-
Luke: Whoever it is, it isn't you. You're crusty and burnt and encased in a hermetically sealed suit of metal.
Darth: -breathe- No! That's not true!
Luke: Yuh-huh! You turned to the Dark Side and got cooked in lava, remember?
Darth: …-breathe-… …Are you implying that it's my fault?
Luke: Er… um…
Darth: I know! It's that little hussy Leia's fault! -breathe- She's taking all of my fans, and she's not even a Jedi! Luke, go chop her head off or something.
Luke: Murder isn't really my thing.
Darth: (stares) …-breathe-… …Really?
Luke: Yeah. (Awkward silence. Darth breathes.) Hey, I could, like, keep her from ever getting married. How about that?
Darth: (ponders) …Yeah, that'll work. Do that.
Luke: Okie dokie.
(Luke walks off, whistling, twirling his lightsaber. Darth exits opposite direction.)
Yoda: So went Luke, but little did know he that fall he would under the spell of Leia as well…
(Leia skips on stage, doing something girly like holding flowers.)
Leia: (singing) La-la-la-laaa…
(Enter Luke, who does an "OMGWTF!" double-take.)
Luke: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Leia is the Sun! O, be still my beating heart! Yea, I will obey my mother's order – I'll use my Jedi powers to keep any mortal man from marrying her, and then I will take her for my own wife! (Cackles, does the Jedi Force thing, runs away.)
Leia: Ah, I'm so beautiful that a man is bound to marry me any time now! Yep… any time… (Waits.) …He'll be coming soon… (Waits some more.) …Yep…
Yoda: Waited many years Leia did. But came did no man. Impatient Leia grew, for saw she her sisters, who kings they married.
(Enter Han and Boba.)
Han: Hey Leia, did you meet my new husband yet? He's king of Planet Klaxon.
Boba: That's nothing! My husband is ruler of a solar system!
Han: Well my husband has evolved into a higher plane of existence!
Boba: Well my husband is a super-intelligent shade of blue!
Han: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO SHOW ME UP! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU, BOBA FETT! (Runs off crying.)
Boba: Han is such a crybaby. (Walks off.)
Leia: What the heck? My sisters are already married and I'm way prettier than they are. This isn't right! I'm gonna go talk to the oracle and find out what's the deal! (Stomps over to Oracle.) Hey, what's the deal!
Oracle/Yoda: Betrothed already you are to another.
Leia: Who?
Oracle: Jabba the Hutt.Leia: (blinks) …Well. That sucks. Better go get my wedding dress on. (Exits.)
Yoda: Climbed Leia did to the top of the highest mountain. There, lifted was she by a strange force, and took her it did to a beautiful palace. Everything she wanted had it – beautiful clothing, delicious food, and droid servants. Wait, told her did they, for return her husband would that night.
(Darkness falls. Enter Leia, who looks around expectantly.)
Leia: Well, it's night now. My husband should be home any second.
Luke: (Enters.) Honey, I'm home!
Leia: Darling husband! (Reaches to hug Luke, misses.) Umm… I can't see you, darling husband. It's too dark.
Luke: Yeah, I know. I did that on purpose. Listen, I'll be a great husband and you can live here as long as you like, but you have to promise never to look upon me. Okay?
Leia: Well… the food was really good… (Thinks.) Okay!
Luke: Sweet.
(Exeunt. (That means everyone leaves.))
Yoda: For many years like this they lived. Happy both were. Until one day, her sisters Leia saw. Begged she did to see her sisters. Hesitant Luke was, but consented finally he did. Went Leia to greet her sisters, and they she took to her palace.
(Enter Leia, followed by Han and Boba. The sisters look jealously at their surroundings.)
Leia: So yeah, this is my house. Pretty cool, huh?
Han: Uh, yeah.
Boba: Totally.
(Leia turns to get drinks.)
Boba: (While Leia's back is turned, in stage whisper.) That little floozy! She was supposed to get eaten by Jabba the Hutt, but instead she's living in a palace!
Han: (Also in stage whisper.) I know! Totally not fair!
Leia: (Turning around, holding mugs.) Who wants hot chocolate?
Boba: Um, no thanks. Say, Leia, tell us – what's your husband like? I mean, he must be some sort of king or crime lord to afford a place like this.
Leia: Umm… well…
Han: C'mon, girl – spill the beans!
Leia: Well… I… uh… well, he's tallish-shortish, with darkish-light hair, which is kinda long and kinda short, and, umm… he's got brownish-blue-green eyes…
(Boba and Han exchange skeptical looks.)
Han: You've never seen him, have you?
Leia: Yeah I have!
Han & Boba: No you haven't.
Leia: …All right. I haven't. (Is sad.)
Boba: So how do you know that he isn'tJabba the Huttlike the oracle said he was?
Leia: Because he's so nice and kind! Everyone knows that ugly things can't be nice.
Han: If you're so sure, why don't you take a light and look at him?
Leia: Because he told me not to! It's forbidden!
(Boba and Han look at each other again.)
Boba: Why would he forbid you from looking at him unless he was some horrible ugly creature? Think about it, girl!
Leia: Ohmygod, you're right! What should I do!
Han: Well, take a lightsaber and look at him while he's sleeping. If he's ugly, then you can kill him. But if he's pretty, you can put thelightsaber away and he won't be the wiser.
Leia: (Nods.) Okay. I'm glad I've got such loving sisters.
Boba: Um, yeah. Sure. We're going now. Buh-bye. Don't forget to kill him!
(Exit Han and Boba. Still pondering, Leia exits towards opposite direction.)
(The lights are lowered. Luke lays down on bed and goes to sleep. Leia enters, holding Luke's lightsaber.)
Yoda: That night, snuck Leia did into Luke's bedroom. His lightsaber she had stolen. Ready was she to kill her husband.
Leia: (Turns on lightsaber.) Oooohmygod, he's not ugly! He's super-pretty! (Claps hands to face à la Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, dropping lightsaber. Lightsaber cuts Luke.)
Luke: AAAUAUAULKAAAGGAHAHAHGGGGHHH! (Jumps up.) You idiot! I told you never to look at me! Now I have to leave, because I'm Luke, the Jedi of Love, and Love can't exist without Trust! (Runs away.)
Leia: ……Crap! (Chases after Luke.)
Yoda: Flee did Luke to Dark Vader, for a momma's boy he was. But followed did Leia, who asked Darth Vader if see Luke she could. Agree to help, Darth Vader did – for a price…
(Enter Darth and Leia.)
Darth: Okay, I'll let you see my son… if you can sort all these seeds into piles! (Throws seeds on ground.) MWAHAHAHA!-breathe- AHAHAHA! (Leaves.)
Leia: (Looking at seeds.) How the heck am I supposed to do this? (Looks around, as if she hears a voice.) …What, what's that? Little voices in the air? The midichlorians will sort the seeds for me? Excellent! (Uses Force Powers to sort seeds.)
(Enter Darth.)
Darth: How's it coming, little – WHAT THE! -breathe- How the heck did you do that! Never mind, never mind – I've got another job for you. Down by the river of acid is a flock of alien sheep. I want you to get some of their platinum fleece for me. Go!
Yoda: To the river Leia went, where told was she by the Force to gather the fleece caught on the thorns. This to Darth Vader she brought back, but another task was she given. To the river Styx she had to go and gather some water. Slippery the rocks were, and treacherous the trail, but prevailed she did. However, placated Darth Vader was not. One more task he demanded…
Darth: You must go to Obi-Wan and ask for him to lend some of his beauty. I need it. (Exits.)
Leia: Umm… okay… (Starts walking.)
(Enter Obi-wan/whatever.)
Obi-wan: Hey, what's up?
Leia: Can I borrow some of your beauty? Darth Vader wants it.
Obi-wan: Sure, no problem. (Takes out box and hands it to Leia.) Here you go. (Exits.)
Leia: Umm… thanks. (Starts walking back. Stops, looks down at box.) You know, I could probably use some of this myself. That river Styx was murder on my skin. (Opens box, falls asleep.)
(Enter Luke.)
Luke: (Yawns.) Aaaaah, I'm healed! And now to find my loving wife – what the! (Kneels next to Leia.) Aw jeez, she opened the box, didn't she? (Sighs, closes box.)
Leia: (Wakes up.) Luke! I found you!
Luke: Did you go through all that for me? Aww, honey, you shouldn't have! Hey, wait right here for a second. (Runs off, comes back holding cup.) Here, drink this. I talked the Jedi council into making you a Jedi too. This will give you super-Force-Powers.
(Darth enters just as Leia is drinking.)
Darth: (Shaking fists.) NOOOOooooOOOOOooooooOOOOOoooooooooowhatever. (Slumps.) You're a Jedi now so I can't complain. Go! Get married! Have fun!
Luke & Leia: Yay!
Yoda: And so ever after happily they lived.