Spandex
I cannot believe I've named this chapter Spandex. Have fun…
Rose - I'll never get used to waking up in the TARDIS; there doesn't seem to be any morning. I go to sleep to the sound of whirring and pulsing, and wake up to it too. The Doctor said before we went to Earth that he'd try and soundproof my room a bit, but since then he seems to have been avoiding me. I hope it's not because of whatever Mum said to him... We landed on Betelgeuse VII last night, so we can explore whatever this planet has to offer. Although by glimpse I had last night I'd say it was bog... Now Rose don't be a snob, you could still be stuck in London watching GMTV right now remember? Urgh I look awful, an extreme bed head and huge purple sacks under my eyes. I'd better crawl over to the shower, I suppose. Aaaah, lovely lovely hot water. Can anything be better than this? Better not answer that, I have such a sick mind. Right I'm dry, now what shall I wear? My trusty blue jeans, I think, and this top...no, maybe this top. Yes I look fine. Time for some food, god I'm so hungry... I cannot believe it, Jack's up and the Doctor isn't!
-'Morning, Jack.
-Hey, beautiful. Toast?
-Yeah please, ta. Where's...
-The Doctor? Still asleep. That's twelve hours straight so far, impressive.
-Mnphmph mph?
-Swallow, please.
-Is he alright?
-Seems to be, I shouldn't worry. He hadn't slept for 3 days, so he must have had to recharge those Time Lord batteries of his.
-Ah, well good.
the Doctor - She's awake, I heard her footsteps pass my door. What can I say to her? Sorry Rose you have to leave 'cos I'm falling more and more in love with you every day? Damn it, this isn't supposed to happen. My people always used to pick up companions for long solo journeys, it was a tradition. But while they just had them to bring a bit of life during long days in their TARDIS', I've gone and become involved, haven't I? I should never have asked her to come along in the first place, she should be having fun doing whatever human 21 year-olds do. You know what I mean, drinking too much and falling down stairs in high-heels, then getting off with strangers outside a club. Ok, I'd hate for my Rose to be getting off with strangers, but you get my point. She just shouldn't be stuck in the company of an old codger like me… Maybe I should get up, I'm starving. Bloody humans.
-'Morning all.
-Doctor! My, you're looking lovely this morning.
-Please Jack, just don't. Any more bacon floating around?
-Over there. I'm hurt, Doctor.
-I don't care mate. Rose?
-Mm...yes?
-You coming exploring later? The sights and sounds of Betelgeuse VII...
-As long as it's not all bog.
-But I thought you liked bog...
-What? If you've brought me to another planet like bloody Cartarinus...
-Joke, joke. We've just landed in a small one. Just outside Tatum-Riga.
-Tatum-Riga? Wonderful! I've had some good times there...happy days.
-Jack? What's with the leer? What's this place you're taking me too, Doctor?
-Ignore him, Rose. He probably got no further than the space-port.
-Ha! The space-port was good enough for me, want a guided tour Doc?
-Argh! Just shut up! Will someone please tell me where we're going? Not you, Jack!
-Look, Tatum-Riga is just a huge city - a metropolis. The biggest and busiest space-trading centre in this galaxy, to be exact. Think Hong Kong's busy with New York's big, and multiply that by about 10.
-Oh, great. Wonderful. I'm not really in the mood for getting lost in a gigantic city, Doctor. Not today.
-Don't worry, Rose. Look, you and me, we'll go up to the higher levels and pretend to be millionaires. We'll swan around the parks and order a posh lunch in The Blue Lagoon. Then I'll take you shopping... after that we'll go to the theatre and laugh at the real jet-set's smarmy comments... What do you think so far?
-Hmm, it's sounds as if you're making too much effort.
-Well you don't think I'd drag you around the famous red-light district, do you?
-No, Doctor. 'Cos you'd blush bright pink and stare at the floor.
-Not true...
-It is, too! That time me and him went to Old Amsterdam; like a little girl he was...
-Oi! Right! Jack, get out! Leave your bloody toast! Bugger off to your bloody space-port!
-Alright, alright I'm going. See you later, darling!
-Calm down Doctor, he's joking. 'Bye Jack, don't get shot or anything, ok?
-No worries. Just don't leave without me this time. Adieu, my beautiful Rose, and farewell.
-I'd swear he's getting worse.
-Hmph.
-Oh come on Doctor, don't go all jealous on me; you know Jack can't help being a horny twit. Give us a smile? Thank you, lovely. Actually, you need to brush your teeth.
-Do not.
-Yes, you do. Just 'cos you're a Time Lord doesn't mean you don't have to brush twice a day. You're worse than my cousin, you are, and he's six!
-Alright, alright. Anything to stop you nagging...
-What? Since when do I nag? Well, except for just now...
Rose - So, after finally getting the Doctor to improve his dental hygiene for the first time in 900 years - how come his breath never smells foul? Maybe he gets through a couple packets of Wrigley's every day, but I've never noticed. - we're ready to go out on the town and pretend to be millionaires. Not that I really know how millionairesses act, but I'll put on an irritating voice and a high-pitched, nasal laugh, so I might just get away with it. God I hate bogs...I really should have brought some wellies. Urgh.
-Can't believe I'm saying this to you, Doctor; but are we nearly there yet?
-Yes, nearly. Do you need a hand? You seem to be sinking in a lot.
-Oh, I'm fine. I'll just follow where you - ARGH!
-ROSE! Got you... are you alright?
-Yeah, course I am. It's only mud and water, anyway. But, um, thanks for catching me.
-Did you think I'd ever let you fall?
What's that supposed to mean? I've never seen him move as fast as when he went to grab my arm...Mickey never did that. Although I and Mickey never did go walking around bogs; it was mostly just getting off on his sofa. Not saying that wasn't fun, of course. Shut up, Rose. Oh god, stop staring at him, you gormless twit. Say something!
-Um.
Oooh yeah, girl. Smooth. Hang on, he's saying something. Just smile and don't open your mouth again.
-...and did you know that this bog is home to the very last population of wild black-tongued jumping froons left in the entire universe? We might even see one!
-Really? Wow...
-Yes, isn't it fantastic? But look, we've got to the edge. Now little ape, if you'd care to cast you're eyes this way...
-Bloody hell, will you look at that!
-Yes, welcome to Tatum-Riga. The Gateway to the Universe!
The sheer scale, and height, and I must admit, shininess of Tatum-Riga made me forget about him calling me a little ape, and by the time I'd remembered it wasn't really a good moment to yell at him. If anyone asks me to describe this city, it's just loud. The streets are heaving with every kind of species you can think of, all yelling at each other. There's some kind of market going on and giant pink spider-thing is behind a stall up ahead, shrieking at an 8 foot tall green skinned person in front of it. The TARDIS is translating everything for me, but obviously these two don't have that advantage.
-Look, what I'm trying to say is...
- How much is this?
-...that you have to pay for things here, you know. PAY.
-How much credit does it cost?
-...you know, with CREDIT?
-Why won't you sell it to me?
-Oh who am I kidding, you probably don't have any credit anyway. Look, here's a stale one, take it. Take the damn pie!
-Ah I don't need to pay? What a strange city...Goodbye kind creature!
-Bloody foreigners. Hey, what you lookin' at?
-Come on Rose; try not to stare, will you.
-We are the champions, we are the champions, and Betelgeuse VI can thrash Betelgeuse VII at zero-grav footy any day! Wahey!
-C'mon Rose, watch out for those footy supporters.
So I haven't got lost, and we finally get to the higher levels of the city. God they are high...the park that the Doctor's taken me to 'swan' about in is way above the clouds. There's a bunch of gorgeous aliens nearby, and the latest fashions in this area of the universe are quite worrying. Spandex leotards and fur, anyone? One guy keeps staring at us - no, hang on of course no-one stares in 'refined society', do they? - one guy keeps glancing bullets at us. An ugly git, he is. Grey skin and a pug-nose, too. He's probably the richest of them all; you seem to have to be either loaded or beautiful, or both to get up here. Unwritten rule, of course. Uh-oh, here he comes.
-May I assk, ssir, what iss your business in thiss park?
-Oh, nothing very important. We're just swanning about, you see.
-Ssswaning about? Do you know who I am?
-Nope, sorry mate. Care to fill us in?
-I am Ssssind-Arak. I own half of thiss fair city. And I will not put up with dissresspect from plebss.
-Well Sindy, I think that it might just be a good idea to ask who I am before you continue. Just a suggestion, of course.
-I will call the guardsss...this is dissresspect...thiss had better be good, sscum.
-Well come closer, dear, and I shall whisper a secret in your ear...
What the hell is he doing? He's insane! Hasn't he seen those hulking great guards at the door? He'll get us thrown out and we'll end up as two stains on the pavement below. What's he saying anyway? And why does pug-nose suddenly look absolutely terrified?
-Ssire, pleasse believe me...I had no idea it was you. I will...I will leave you immediately...pleasse feel free to enjoy thiss park. Pleasse feel free to enjoy this city...sshe is yourss.
-Well now, I'm glad we cleared all that up. Lovely city you live in here...very vertical. By the way, anything good in the theatre tonight?
-Tonight iss the premier of a much anticipated productssion, ssire. A recent acquisition from Earth itsself, ssire. It iss called 'Domesstic Feline Dancing on a Heated Metal Ssky', ssire. I mysself will be there early; it iss all very exciting...
-Ah, well I think we might pass on that one. So many shows, and so little time, eh, Rose? Actually I think it's time for lunch, so we'll have to leave you, Sindy mate. Bye, now!
the Doctor - Well that was fun. Wish he wouldn't have grovelled at me, though. Hate grovelling...makes me want to hit them. Not that I can hit them, of course. I have a reputation to live up to. Rose looks like bulldog chewing wasps - well, whatever that looks actually looks like - so I'd better let her ask me some questions.
-Wine, Rose?
-Yes, please. Um, Doctor...what just happened?
-Well we came into The Blue Lagoon with no reservation, but you growled at the waiter so much that he gave us a table. This one.
-Oh shut up, will you? I meant, just now. In the park with Pug-Nose. What did you say to him?
-Oh I just told him you were an insane millionairess who bit, and that you owned half a planet, therefore outranking him by miles.
-Get off, did you really?
-Nope. I hope you don't actually want to see that play, do you?
-I don't know, I didn't recognize the title.
-That was a bad translation of 'Cat on a Hot Tin Roof', and the play's bloody awful. I told Tennessee Williams to scrap it, but did he listen? No...bloody awful play.
-Ah, well that means there's not much chance of seeing it either way doesn't it. But what did you say to him before? He looked scared stiff!
-Nothing. Nothing important. Can we not talk about it?
-Spoilsport.
-What? Look, does a spoilsport do this? Doo-bee-doo-bee doo-doo-wop...
-Doctor, you prat! Put down those crabs claws! I don't care if you can make them dance or not, just put them down! Argh, get them off me! Ow! Ow! You're just a silly little man, you are.
She just called me a silly little man…she called me a man. I'm not, though, am I? I never will be, either.
-What's wrong, Doctor?
-Nothing! Stop asking me that!
-I'm…sorry, Doctor.
Rose – What did I do? One minute he's acting like an idiot, waving claws at me, and then he snaps at me for asking a simple question! What the hell is wrong with him today?
-Come on, Rose. We're leaving.
-Hang on a minute; I've got to powder my nose.
-What? Look Rose, if you can't speak bloody sense…
-Alright genius, I'll explain to you: I'm going for a piss. Plain enough for you? Wait there.
-…………………
Serves him right. Does he really expect me to act all sunshine and daisies to him, after he's completely ignored me for half the meal? No chance. Swearing at me is bad enough, but especially if he mutters it behind my back, in a language even the TARDIS won't translate for me. If he thinks he doesn't have treat me with some respect, for whatever reason, nor will I to him. Damn it I feel like slapping his stupid alien face.
-Oh good, you waited.
-Hmph, you took you're sweet time at any rate.
-Just shut up, will you.
-Fine. Just stay close to me on the street.
So now we're in the market again. It's busier even than before, and although I'm not really admitting this, I'm sort of glad I've got the Doctor to follow through the heaving crowd. The crowd has changed since this morning, when the tourists and locals were shopping. Now they all seem to have a weird haunted look in their eyes, and it's getting dark. The Doctor keeps glancing at me with a very guilty expression on his face.
-Rose, I'm sorry I snapped at you. I just…well, I'm sorry I lost my temper.
-It's alright…I shouldn't have…
Time for his patented big cheesy grin, and he slips his cold hand into mine.
-Glad that's settled then, we both acted like idiots. Me especially.
-Exactly. By the way, what was that language you muttered in back then? The TARDIS didn't translate it for some reason…
-That was Gallifreyan. I'm the only being in the entire universe that speaks it now, so there isn't much point having it translated, is there?
-Oh. No…I suppose not.
A thick crowd has gathered up in front of us, and they all seem to be looking the same way, towards some kind of stage. I can't see anything yet, but I can hear it.
-Now Ladies and Gents, on the platform now are displayed lot #53. Two fine, healthy specimens is what is in front of you. Still young of course, so it's two for the price of one! But if you feed them up a bit, and train them well, you get yourself a fine pair of slaves. You see the matching coloured fur, Ladies and Gents? Very fashionable look in the high tiers, that is. So, I will begin at…1000 credits!
It's now I notice the Doctor's expression; one of pure anger. This is no moody frown like in the restaurant. Now I can really see how dangerous he can be.
-Slaves? In Tatum-Riga? Never!
-Wait, Doctor. Wait for me!
So we run in, and the Doctor starts shoving through the crowd to right in front of the platform. By now the poor little Rowners have been sold, and are being led away. The auctioneer is just beginning a new lot.
-Now then Ladies and Gents, this is a very interesting lot, as I'm sure you know! Our humble auction has been blessed! Truly blessed! How, you may ask? Well, because you see, lot #54 is a human! Yes, a human has come all the way from Earth to visit us! Of course as you know, humans haven't even managed a simple intergalactic space voyage, so how did this little ape get here, do you think? Well, it's a mystery! It refuses to tell me, so I am willing to sell it to the highest bidder! So how much will you pay for a strong healthy male, perfect body-guard material? Caught fresh this morning, and in excellent condition. Bring it up to the platform!
So we watched as a chained Captain Jack Harkness was dragged up to face the jeering crowd.
Haha that was so obvious, wasn't it? Oh well, please forgive me – it just had to happen, I swear. Damn that was a long chapter. Well ok maybe it just feels that way to me typing. I'd also like to apologise to Tennessee Williams, wherever he is now, for dissing his play many times on the internet. It's just that I've just had write an essay on Cat for English Lit., and it nearly killed me. It really is a bloody awful play. What did you think of my stressed market stall alien? Yay ;D If you're lucky I might post chapter 4 tomorrow sometime…maybe.