Chapter Four: Creepy Hobbit Obsession

What do you know, the Shire IS a nice place!

I mean, I'm sure it WOULD be, without all the 'I love Starr' posters. That kinda puts a damper on the quaint appeal. We arrived at night, and secretly removed half of them to make our campfire. Ah, how toasty that fire felt!

The next morning, I was sent to infiltrate Bag End. Of course it was me. Gah, I am going to be irrevocably scarred. When I informed Eowyn of this, she shrugged and said, "Join the club."

I knocked on the round door. I suppose if you eat that many meals a day, you would need a round door.

"Hello? Starr, is that you?" came a hopeful voice from within.

I rolled my eyes. "No. It's her daughter." I called, careful to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

The door opened and a blue-eyed hobbit peeked out. He seemed relieved to find that I was tall and not hobbity. I don't even want to know how many people my mom has shagged. And here come the disgusting mental images. Frodo just seems so much…better…than that. Call me weird, but I had previously liked to think that beings who destroy evil rings and save the world would be above this sort of thing…

"Come on in! How's your mother? I haven't seen you visit before."

"No, I'm the youngest." I said, taking on a polite and slightly-strained smile. "I don't get out much." Because I have THIS to put up with. Honestly! Everyone in Arda is acting like hormonal adolescents.

"Welcome! You can stay as long as you like." Frodo beamed.

"Uh, thanks." That was not one of my options. Ever.

I had to figure out how exactly I was going to do this. I don't exactly have cartloads of experience in talking people out of love-trances induced by the overly-perfect. I'm pretty sure not too many people can boast about that kind of know-how. He had a strange glaze to his eye that I noticed in my father and grandfather's, and it was creeping me out.

So I just started to randomly question him. Maybe I could make him hate Starr. That could work. Or so I attempted to convince myself…poorly.

"So, when was the last time my mom visited?"

He looked troubled. "Not for a while, actually."

"Oh," I winced, pretending to think that this was in any way a bad thing. "Do you feel like she's forgotten about you?"

He blinked. "Yeah…kind of."

I grinned to myself. This was too easy. "I was actually surprised she visited at all, she hardly mentioned you."

His brow furrowed, and I felt kinda bad. "She seemed to enjoyed herself immensely, I figured I would be a household name in Mirkwood…"

I tried to refrain from gagging. My mom had some problems, corrupting innocent Hobbits like this! It just wasn't right. As guilty as Starr is, I never expected to hear anything like this from FRODO. I may never be able to look him in the face again…

He looked up. "Did she at least mention the Shire?"

"The where?" I lied through my teeth.

That seemed to do it. His eyes grew less clouded and he seemed to be really seeing me for the first time. I decided to keep going.

"Oh, yeah, this place. I think she was trying to convince King Elessar to buy it, level it, and build her a gigantic monument in its place."

That certainly had the effect I wanted. He snapped to attention, blue eyes clear and panicked. He looked absolutely horrified. It was a refreshing change from the usual slightly-bewildered-and-angsty look. Eru, I am vicious today. Though, it was pretty funny.

I held up my hands. "That was a lie, I had to snap you out of it!" I didn't need him have a heart attack because of me.

He clutched his head. "What happened?"

"My mother had you under her spell." I then explained our quest to him.

Just as I finished, there was a sudden rap on the door. In came another Hobbit, who I presumed to be Sam.

"What is it, Merry?"

Nope, guess I was wrong. Hey, curly hair, hairy feet, short—they all look the same to me.

Then again, I was never very observant.

"Why was I feeling very strongly towards Starr just now? I wasn't hungry, so I got worried. Then I snapped out of it." Merry

I sighed, at least the Shire folk were back to normal. But how many people was I going to have to explain this to? I gave him the generic 'my mom's a freaky witch who put a spell on you' explanation.

He took it rather well. Sort of.

Of course, then he and Frodo DID start a near riot, but at least they roused the Hobbits of the Shire against Starr (I refuse to call her mother anymore. I know, oooo, a rebel). They were all gathered in the streets with flaming pitchforks.

Well, actually, that was only one Hobbit, and he was quickly sedated.

But I really don't know what he was planning to do. March to Gondor and light it on fire? It was made of STONE. And Legolas would probably throw himself off the battlements if anything happened to his dear wife. Before I left, I noticed he had taken to calling her his 'precious.'

That reminds me of something, but I just can't remember what…

I just started walking away…frankly, he was scaring me a little. Arwen and Eowyn fell into step on either side of me, grinning like nobody's business.

"One down," Arwen mused.

"Three to go!" Eowyn finished. I personally felt they were being far too optimistic.

"I highly doubt it's going to be that easy both times." I pointed out. Their faces fell slightly. Aha, spread the joy, I'm a regular ray of sunshine.

It's a sad, sad day when I'M the voice of reason. I'm not known for being particularly reasonable.

We continued on in silence. Awkward silence. Then Arwen spoke up.

"Do you suppose Starr has yet realized that she was tricked?"

"Probably." I sighed. "She may be an idiot, but she'd realize it by NOW. It's been, what? A couple weeks?" I don't keep tracking when we're riding, I'm too busy complaining.

In Minas Tirith…

Starr slammed her brush down on the bureau. Celeste hurried over, looking worried.

"I don't know what's happening!" Starr raged, still managing to look 'beautiful'. "My daughter's gone and suddenly I can't sing anymore! Why has my melodious voice forsaken me?"

Celeste motioned frantically.

"Don't tell me you've lost your voice completely!"

Celeste nodded.

"Well, this sucks."

"And Arrwn and Eowny escaped from prison!...I bet they kidnapped Saeriel!" Starr said, looking indignant. "…Oh well, she was a pain, anyway."