Chapter Five: Extra Spider Repellent

I groaned when I realized where we were headed next. Mirkwood. Joy.

I mean, it was a great place, but going there reminded me of my family, and that's a memory I wouldn't force on my greatest enemy.

Who, come to think of it, is part of my family. Starr. Blech. There's no escape. Maybe I can secede from them.

But I mean, c'mon, Mirkwood is a perfectly delightful place. Who doesn't like giant Elf-eating spiders, dark forests paths, and seemingly-never-ending walking?

I really had doubts about finishing this quest. The Shire was just a warm up, for the Hobbit's were only under the spell because Frodo was. I just convinced him and bam! The others were back to normal. Well, as normal as they can be after shagging Starr. Everywhere else, we'll have to convince ALL of the people. As in, groups and groups of people. Who loved Starr. There's a sick little club I would prefer not to meet.

"Can I leave the group speaking to you two?" I mumbled nervously, falling back on one of my usual phobias. And believe me, there are PLENTY. Eowyn laughed.

"Do not fear, Seiryu."

She didn't really answer me, and I didn't like the sound of that…Sneaky Eowyn. I will have to request to be tutored in the art of shrewdness, so I'm not QUITE so obvious. And oblivious. That would be nice.

"OY! Where do you think you're goin'!" a voice rang out.

We turned to see a brown-haired female Hobbit come inexplicably bouncing over.

"Um, Mirkwood?" Eowyn offered, obviously not seeing why she had to explain herself to someone she could easily step on and squish into a Hobbit-pancake.

She beamed. "Can I come?" Crazy, crazy Hobbit girl. Too much pipeweed, that's my theory. And not the medicinal kind. I cannot possibly imagine any other feasible reason this girl has for coming with us.

Arwen looked dubious. I must have too, but apparently I'm the one who looks to be the most easily-persuaded and naturally-weak-minded, so she turned to me.

"Pleeeeeeeeeease? I'm very hardy and I can cook and carry heavy stuff and—"

"FINE YOU CAN COME!" we chorused in unison, to make her shut up.

She smiled brilliantly. Disturbing. She is far too cheerful. "The name's Belgaer. No need to tell me your names, I heard all about you from Pippin!"

"Remind me to be angry at him for that later." Arwen mumbled.

"Say what?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"Are you SURE you want to go?" I asked, not really sure if I wanted to put up with her. "With the spiders and all?" Note my lack of sneakiness. I'm just not a naturally manipulative person.

"I brought extra spider repellant." She grinned.

Oh, I'm sure you did. She's a funny one.

I continued anyway as we headed out of the Shire, for the sake of being annoying, more than anything. I pretty much expected only more 'witty' comebacks. "Are you good in front of crowds?"

"I like to think so…"

Now it was my turn to grin. And I did so. Devilishly. "Excellent."

"Now, Seiryu…" Eowyn warned. I just grabbed Belgaer's hand and ran off, laughing. Oh ho ho, I found a loophole in their mean little public humiliation idea. They would say they are only trying to improve my confidence. See? Sneaky. I so need lessons from them. Much more useful than Starr's stupid lady lessons.

That night we were huddled around the campfire, for it had gotten quite cold. I was starting to regret this. No, it wasn't Belgaer's constant chattering—that kinda grows on you after a while. I just didn't feel like freezing off several of my extremities. Wouldn't exactly be a particularly DIGNIFIED return to Minas Tirith now, would it?

Arwen wasn't bothered at all, and I really shouldn't be, since I'm also a half-Elf. I think. Never was really clear how Starr managed to become an Elf. Something about a pixy or a fairy. I swear to Varda if I ever find out who was responsible, I will personally hunt them down and asphyxiate them. There's no living with her and her 'holier-Elf-than-thou' attitude. She's waaaay too perfect. It's sickening. And it's really got to stop.

But, back on track…Eowyn's just so strong that a little thing like weather doesn't bother her. Either that, or she's really, really good at pretending to be warm. Belgaer's exerting so much heat from her mouth, that's probably why she isn't cold. I scoot closer to her. Seriously, I joke about her, but she's a perfectly likable person. I've just never been known for my people skills. I tend to opt towards sarcasm, but if you didn't know that by now, you really need to invest in an education.

We were still a way from Mirkwood. I wondered at the odds of being attacked by a spider before we got to the palace. It would certainly beat making a speech. I wonder how easily I could lure them off the path. Well, no, I wouldn't want to be responsible for the others' untimely and most likely messy deaths. Maybe I could wander off on my own.

As if sensing my sentiments, Arwen gave me a look across the campfire that clearly said, 'Don't you dare.' Oh well, that plan's out the window. Maybe if I fall asleep in this cold, I'll just never wake up…

Though, for all my hating-of-the-speaking-in-front-of-crowds, I have to admit, I am slightly curious as to what my grandfather is REALLY like.

I come back to reality to find Belgaer staring at me. Arwen and Eowyn had gone off, probably for more firewood. I would be worried that the Hobbit killed them and disposed of the bodies, if I had even the slightest suspicion that she was capable of it.

"What?" I asked, sounding more irritated than I intended.

She paused, slightly taken aback. Either that, or for dramatic effect. The look on her face made me expect something profound or at least insightful. I leaned forward slightly, interested.

"….I'm hungry."

I fell over backwards and just stayed there. It didn't seem worth it to get up. Belgaer laid down next to me and we stared at the stars.

"What's it like to be a lady and royalty?" she questioned softly.

"Terrible."

She turned to me, wide-eyed. "Are you kidding? It must beat being a commoner!"

"Well, I wouldn't know." I pointed out.

She was silent for a second. "Well, I would suggest a switcheroo, if there wasn't a two foot difference in our heights."

I had to laugh. "Well, the people of Gondor are so star-struck they'd probably never notice."

Arwen and Eowyn chose this moment to reappear, arms laden with branches.

"Oh, that's wonderful." Arwen said sarcastically. "Let's get dirty before appearing in public."