Chapter 9

"It's pointless" Dawn cried, "It's been a month, she's never coming back" she said sadly as tears streamed down her cheeks.

"No, Dawnie" Willow shook her head pulling the girl into a hug, staring down at Buffy still comatose on the bed, "We'll find a way to help her, we will. I promise"

"You can't promise, you don't know..." Dawn sobbed, pulling away from the witch and bolting to her own room. Willow sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Oh Buffy" she said sadly, "I wish I knew if you could hear me. If you can please try and hold on, try and fight. We love you and we need you here, all of us..."

Buffy woke up with a start and looked around her room. She was the only person there, as it should be, but the dream had been so vivid. Willow talking to her, Dawnie crying, it was great to see them again but it also scared her half to death. They were delusions, hallucinations, and up until now she'd managed to keep them at bay for a whole month since leaving the hospital

Now they were creeping back via her dreams and that frightened Buffy more than she'd like. Dreams could not be controlled and as such would be the perfect gateway for the non-reality to be pushed back into the forefront of her mind.

"Concentrate" she whispered to herself, "Just concentrate"

Buffy screwed her eyes tight shut, thought of William and her parents and how great her life was here... only it wasn't. Of course she was glad to be here with her Mom and Dad, but it was becoming increasingly obvious that they were not so happy to be with each other anymore.

Too many nights she'd been woken by yelling, arguments in which her father sounded drunk and her mother tearful. She'd sat at the top of the stairs and listened, just as she had in her delusion years ago with Dawnie at her side. Now she was alone and it seemed her parents marriage was slowly falling apart, she suspected mostly because of her.

Still, this world was better, at least it was real. She had William too who was so loving and attentive. Buffy really liked him, thought maybe she even loved him a little bit but one fact was driving her crazy. The man was such a gentleman to the point where she wanted to scream! Vague thoughts of her sordid affair with Spike made her shiver with both delight and fear of the capabilities of her imagination. He wanted her, with a passion that she could barely comprehend, and yet she had made that up in her own mind apparently.

The first time William had kissed her, two weeks ago, it was... nice. Nice but not fantastic or explosive, there were no fireworks or molten lava in her veins. Had she exaggerated the thrill of a kiss in her delusion, or was William just not capable of evoking such feelings in her? Buffy didn't know, she didn't know much of anything lately and each night she dreamt of Sunnydale, Willow and Dawn and Xander all standing by her bed talking about her. They weren't dead, somehow they escaped the demon after she'd left them to die and they were still there.

As the front door slammed shut and Joyce continued to cry, Buffy knew this was a worse argument than some others had been. She wondered if her Dad would come back, he hadn't in her apparent hallucination. Sometimes when he went out the door she'd watched him from the window, getting into his car and heading off to work each morning, thinking about the time he left in that other world and never bothered to return to her, and her Mom, and Dawn.

Of course it was a terrible reflection on Hank, that Buffy would ever think he'd leave for good. She wasn't a kid anymore, but she was just getting used to having both her parents around again, the last thing she wanted was to lose one of them so soon.

Glancing at the clock she realised it was just past midnight. Less than six hours and she'd have to be up and dressed all ready for her early shift at the local fast food outlet. As it turned out being a crazy person who never even finished High School meant Buffy was pretty much not qualified to do any kind of job. After a long discussion with her parents it had been decided she would take some classes at the local college whilst working in between to pay her keep. As much as they wished they could support her more, Joyce and Hank had spent an awful lot on the best doctors and care for their baby girl, meaning cash was especially tight right now.

Buffy flopped back against her pillows and stared up at the ceiling. Her parents fought a lot, the best job she could get was flipping burgers, and she had a boyfriend who may possibly be allergic to touching her or just a total idiot who couldn't read signals! Times like this the blonde wondered if her supposed fake life had been so bad in Sunnydale. At least she had friends there, here there were only the same three people that she could really share things with, and as much as she appreciated all their love and support sometimes she just wanted to escape all the coddling!

Telling herself she was being a fool, Buffy turned on her side and settled down beneath the covers, but sleep refused to come. Every time she closed her eyes and relaxed her mind drifted back to the Hellmouth, but not so much the demons and the slaying. Mostly she saw her friends, her sister, all looking so worried about her and constantly with books in their hands. They were researching, trying to find a way to pull her back... She told herself to stop it. They weren't doing anything, she was making them do it. Subconsciously she was trying to go back there and Buffy knew she had to be strong and not let it happen. This was the real world, Sunnydale was a delusion, simple as that, but Buffy was beginning to realise that 'simple' was really not a word to be used for her situation at all

"Hey, Mom" Buffy yawned as stretched as she trudged into the kitchen at six am, "You're up early" she said, with a slight frown as she got herself some cereal.

"I was er... I thought you'd like some company, someone to eat breakfast with" Joyce told her with what seemed to be a forced smile, since her eyes were still red-rimmed from too much crying.

"Mom, I'm a big girl now" Buffy reminded her as they sat down together, "If something's happened, you can tell me. Is it Dad?" she checked.

"We just had a stupid fight is all" her mother shook her head, putting hand on hers, "Sweetie, I promise you have nothing to worry about. Your father will come home later and we'll work things out"

Buffy wasn't sure whether to believe or not that everything was okay. Her mother wasn't the lying kind but to protect her feelings she might well do.

"Do you fight because of me?" she asked sadly stirring her cereal around in the bowl.

"Why would you ask something like that?" Joyce replied, looking a little worried and maybe a little angry too.

"I..." Buffy paused when she realised what she was about to say, 'It was before'. Truth was her parents had never, to her knowledge, fought over her here, only in her hallucinated world, "I know it must have been hard for you" she said instead, "With me being... sick, and everything"

"Oh baby" Joyce sighed, getting up and moving around the counter to hug her little girl, "Buffy, I won't deny it was a tough time, but we don't blame you, not at all. You got sick, now you're better, and we couldn't be happier"

Buffy smiled, hugging her back, enjoying the simple comfort of a mother's embrace that she'd missed so much.

"I love you, Mom" she told her softly.

"And I love you, Buffy" Joyce assured her as they pulled apart, "Now, you better get that cereal finished up fast. You have to be at work in fifteen minutes"

"Yes, Mom" the blonde smiled as she did as she was told

Buffy didn't mind being in class, it kept her mind occupied and therefore it was unable to wander to those forbidden places that the doctor warned her to avoid. It was a similar situation when she worked the counter at her job, too busy most of the time to think of anything but the task at hand. What Buffy hated was jobs like this one, working the grill. After a couple of times, she learnt the routine. It became boring and mundane and was so simple - beef on the grill, hit the button, it beeps, flip the beef, hit the other button, it beeps, put it on the bun, repeat until insane! - it just gave her too much time to think about stuff. Her parents and William only took up so much space, and she really had very little else in her life. Instead her head took her back to Sunnydale, memories of the happier times with friends and family she would never see again.

"Buffy!" her name yelled behind her and a hand on her shoulder made her start, and the spatula from her hand clattered to the floor.

"Oh, hey Chris" she smiled at her colleague before reaching for the fallen utensil.

"Sorry Buff, didn't mean to scare you" he apologised, "but time I took over, you take your break"

"Thanks" Buffy nodded as Chris took over at the grill and she walked through to the empty staff only room. Taking off her hat she stretched out on the little couch against one wall. She just closed her eyes for a minute, didn't mean to fall asleep, hadn't realised how deep she'd gone until she opened her eyes and her bedroom came into focus around her. Not her bedroom in LA of course, in the house she shared with Mom and Dad, but her room back in Sunnydale. She shifted to move and found she couldn't, something was holding her in place, a strong arm across her waist.

"Spike?" she whispered, turning her head to see him lying there beside her, knowing now this really was her delusion and yet not feeling as scared as she might. Being here meant she was crazy, but she hadn't felt this calm, this safe in a while, just lying here with Spike's arm around her. He looked so peaceful, almost angelic as he slept on, unaware she was watching him.

"I miss you" Buffy said softly, her fingers running through his hair, "I miss everybody but, it's so much harder to block you out, maybe cos of William, I don't know... I just..." Spike shifted in his sleep and Buffy withdrew her hand fast.

"Buffy?" he mumbled, unsure if he'd been dreaming or not.

"I'm sorry, Spike, I can't stay" she said, almost crying as she forced it all away.

Buffy's eyes flew open as she sat up on the couch in the staff room. Her boss stood in the doorway, saying she'd called her name three times already and was she quite alright.

"I'm fine" Buffy forced a smile, "Must've just dozed off I guess. I didn't sleep too good last night, it's no big"

With that she followed back through the door and got back to work, her break long over, but a sad smile playing on her lips as she remembered what she'd 'dreamt'.

"You're sure she spoke to you?" Willow asked with a hopeful look.

"I dunno, Red" Spike shook his head, "I... I dream about her, all the bleedin' time, can't get her out my head but I swear, this was so real"

"What did she say?" the witch asked him, staring at her apparently still comatose friend.

"That she was sorry" he told her, "and that she couldn't stay"

"Couldn't stay" Willow echoed, "She's there against her will, we knew that"

"But why would she apologise for that" Spike frowned "If it's not her fault, if something is keeping her from us why the sorry?"

"I don't know" the red-head sighed, "I only wish I did"

To Be Continued...