A/N : Seems I've got almost all of you feeling bad for William, and yet you still want Buffy to be with Spike instead! Oh well, not long now til she makes a final desicion, Yep, that's right kids, we're headed for the big finish, probably just a couple more chapters after this one then it's all over. In the meantime, hope you like this latest update...
(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 12

"I'm sorry" Buffy repeated for what she thought was possibly the eighth time in the last two minutes but she had no idea what else she could say that would help. She was mortified to realise what she'd just done, calling Spike's name as William made love to her. She hated herself for hurting him as she knew she had, but it wasn't as if she'd done it on purpose.

They looked so alike and the feelings he evoked in her were strangely familiar, despite the drastic differences in the passion they'd shared and that which she'd had with his vampiric counterpart. Buffy knew Spike didn't always want the harshness and the violence when they were together, she encouraged that, and for all she said about him being evil and an animal, she despised herself for how she'd treated him, especially now as she saw what seemed to be the other side of him, the tender gentle side he'd tried to show her so many times, but she would never let him be a man, only a monster.

Buffy cursed herself internally when she realised she was doing it again, letting her mind fill up with thoughts of Spike when her attention should be on poor William. He sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from her, as Buffy herself remained beneath the covers of his bed, not certain whether to say anything else or reach out to him or what, for fear of making the situation worse instead of better.

"William, please don't hate me" she said eventually, "I am so sorry, really I didn't mean to..."

"I know" he answered, though she barely heard him. The pain in his voice was evident though, in just two softly spoken words.

There was a long pause before he spoke again.

"Will I ever be enough for you?" he asked, turning to look at her at last, "I cannot fight against this delusion you have, Buffy, this fantastic man you have made up in your imagination, I can never be that..."

"But you are" she told him, "You're him, and more than that"

"No, Buffy" he shook his head, "I am not him, because he is not real!" he was almost yelling, though he hadn't meant to get angry, it seemed that was how the pain he was feeling was manifesting itself.

"He's real to me" she protested almost as loudly, "They all are, and it's not easy for me!" she reminded him, "I know I do things, say things, and it hurts you, but don't you get that I'm hurting too!" she asked him, not noticing the tears that flooded down her cheeks, "God William, I am so confused. I have all these people talking at me, telling me to stay where they are, and I'm not strong enough to... I can't deal" she cried, her body convulsing with great heaving sobs, making William feel terrible for her, despite how she had hurt him.

Of course she hadn't meant to cause him pain, he knew that, but it didn't make that pain go away. He hoped that perhaps he could relieve some of her suffering though as he moved onto the bed beside her and pulled her into his arms.

"You are strong enough, my darling" he told her as he held her tight to him and kissed the top of her head, "You've come so far, and I'll help you with the rest, I will, I swear it"

"What if you can't?" she asked as she pulled away and looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes, "What if I can't ever block the other world out?"

"I don't have all the answers, sweetheart" William sighed as he pushed her hair back from her face and tucked it behind her ear, "All I can do is promise you I'll always be here, and that I'll always love you, and I just hope that'll be enough"

Buffy nodded her head, since she had no words to say. She wasn't so convinced that William's love for her would ground her here in this so-called reality, though it might've been nice to know it could. Flashing back and forth between worlds only confused things further, but right here, right now, being held in the arms of this wonderful man that loved her so much, Buffy found a little peace.

"I have no right to ask" she said shakily, swallowing hard, "but can I stay here? William, would you please just hold me tonight?" she asked him.

"Of course, luv" he said softly as they lay down together and he held her close in his arms.

As Buffy's eyes fell shut she wondered about the world, both the one she was in now and the one where Sunnydale seemed real. The longer she was here the more she thought that if her Slayer life was all a hallucinated fantasy, shouldn't she be able to block it out more easily than this? Looking at it from that point of view, assuming Sunnydale was real and that a demon had caused the place they called reality where she was psycho girl from the mental institution, it would make sense for it to be difficult to leave because she never took the antidote that Willow made for her.

Buffy's thoughts wound down to very little of anything as sleep overtook her and she fell into the land of dreams, where that other world she'd been thinking of, waited to greet her.

"Yes!" Willow yelled delightedly as she put down the phone. It wasn't perfect news but it was the best they'd had in a long time. With a grin on her face the red-head hurried up the stairs and burst into Buffy's bedroom, stopping suddenly when she saw Spike on the bed, holding the Slayer in his arms.

"Now, Red" the vampire said fast before she had a chance to speak, "I know what you're probably thinkin', that I'm taking advantage of our comatose Slayer here, but not a bit of it, I promise you" he defended himself, though he had no real need to, which Willow soon told him.

"We trust you, Spike" she assured him, "Least me and Dawnie do" he told him, knowing Xander wasn't so keen, "If we thought you'd try anything weird or icky with Buffy we wouldn't let you watch her like you do"

"Still, wanted to explain" he said awkwardly, "She wasn't quite awake but, it was her that got a hold of me first" he said, an almost dreamy look on his face, Willow noticed, as he explained, "I was just sittin' here talking to her, like I do, she made a grab at me. Cuddled right up she did, so I put my arms round her and she was still again, just as if she's sleepin...'cept I know come morning she won't wake up like she should" he added bitterly and Willow felt awful not just for herself and for her friend but for Spike too, who was fast becoming another friend in some ways.

"I have some good news" she said, hoping to cheer him up a bit, "It's not great news but still good. Xander found a book at the apartment of all Anya's contacts for the Magic Box" the witch explained, "Some of them are really weird, stock all kind of things both good and bad, and real rare stuff too"

"Get to the point, Red" Spike urged her as he watched her eyes almost glaze over at the prospect of Magic shops filled with hundreds and thousands of pretty trinkets for powerful spells that she shouldn't be considering at all.

"Well, see, one of the stores specialises in demon parts, for spells and antidotes and stuff" she grinned once again, "Spike they have the parts I need from the thing that got Buffy, the glarghk guhl kashmanik"

"Bloody hell" Spike gasped, staring at Willow in shock and then glancing down at the woman in his arms, "Hear that, luv" he whispered into her hair, "Gonna get you an antidote sorted, bring you back to us" he told her softly, kissing the top of her head. He was past caring what anyone else thought of his actions, they could stake him on the spot for all he cared, just so long as he knew Buffy was going to be okay.

"Like I said it's not so much great news as just good" Willow said, shifting awkwardly, "I mean, I can make the antidotey goodness but it's no good unless Buffy has one of her awake flashies that she gets"

"How come?" Spike frowned, "I mean, we could make her body swallow it right, or inject it maybe?" he suggested.

"It won't work that way" Willow shook her head, "Believe me, Spike, I checked this out from every angle" the witch sighed, "She has to be lucid when she drinks it, that's just the way it is, it's why these things should be treated as fast as possible before the victim goes too deep into the delusion"

"What happens if they do?" Spike asked, wishing he hadn't the very second after the words left his mouth, but also knowing he had to prepare himself for the worst, since it often seemed to happen around him, "Come on, Rosenburg, no holding back" he told the girl, "Big Bad here can take it"

"Maybe you can, but I can't" she admitted, as tears escaped down her cheeks that she's been trying to hold back too long, "If she doesn't come back enough to take the formula, Spike, she might not..." Willow couldn't finish the sentence as her hand went to her face and she tried to stem the flow of tears from her eyes to no avail.

"She might not come back at all" Dawn said softly from the doorway, finishing what her friend couldn't bear to say, or didn't have the strength too.

"What you doin' up at this hour, Little Bit?" Spike asked the girl as she came into the room in her pyjamas, looking upset.

"I had a nightmare, least I thought that's what it was" she explained, "but it could come true, Buffy might not come back" she cried, and Willow wrapped an arm around the younger girls shoulders.

"No Dawnie" she told her, "We have to think positive, we have to believe Buffy is strong enough to fight against this thing"

"And there's some good news, Bit" Spike added, "If we can get Big Sis awake, just for a minute to take some of that potion like Will made before, seems she'll be right as rain in no time"

"Really?" Dawn asked Willow hopefully, "You can make more of the cure?"

"As of tomorrow when the piece of the demon arrives from the supplier" she nodded, "Although we kind of have a money issue, but we'll deal, I promise"

"Money no object, luv" Spike agreed, "If it'll bring the Slayer back, we'll find a soddin' way. We've got to"

No-one was going to argue with that.

Buffy opened her eyes and blinked against the gloom that surrounded her. It wasn't just a dream, she knew it wasn't. Being back in Sunnydale was too real to be fake, and though lying here in William's arms was a beautiful feeling, she knew it was better when it seemed like Spike was holding her.

Sunnydale was home, delusion or not, she needed her friends and her sister and Spike. She needed to be the Slayer, because she felt much more like that woman than the one she was here. Everything was difficult, boxes at the fast food place were too heavy for her to carry, her reaction times were lousy and she couldn't throw or catch to save her life. She felt weak and useless, and for the most part unwanted and unneeded. Of course her parents wanted her around but the excitement of having her back seemed to be wearing thin as the amount of arguments between Joyce and Hank increased.

Then there was Spike's look-alike. Sweet William, he loved her so much, proven over and over with words and actions alike. Tonight he'd made her feel so incredibly special, but as much as she hated herself for thinking it, she knew he wasn't enough. He wasn't Spike, though he had the same face and body, and loved her just as much she was certain. There was something missing, something she only felt when she closed her eyes and saw her other world, and Spike there in it. The way he looked at her, spoke to her, told her he loved her, and held her in his arms whilst she slept. Nothing and no-one could compare and the more she tried to be in love with William, the more she realised she could never completely give her heart to him. Whilst she loved him she was not in love, because now she knew for certain it was Spike she'd fallen for, and who she should be with.

Somehow she'd have to tell William, she couldn't just disappear it wasn't fair, even if this was all a hallucination she'd made up in her head, she cared too much to hurt him so badly again. Buffy knew she had to find a way to tell him she was going to leave and then let herself go back to the other side, where she felt she belonged.

But just for tonight, she could be just a girl in the arms of the man that loved her, whichever reality her mind took her to.

To Be Continued...