Chapter 18: Look out Rohan!

"We aren't too far from Rohan now…" Eowyn said, looking excited. I can't blame her for wanting to get home; she's been away for quite some time.

As we walked, Arwen attempted to come up with some semblance of a plan, so we wouldn't traipse into Rohan without a clue as to what we were doing.

"This will be much more difficult than any other place we've been too. I do not have an idea as to how badly Rohan has been affected, but I would suggest preparing for the worst. This will take much more manipulative skill than needed in the Shire, Mirkwood, or Lothlorien. We will need to possess an extraordinary amount of tact, fantastic persuasive abilities, and cleverness."

I looked at her for a second. "…Okay, so I'm out, what are you five going to do?"

Arwen glared daggers.

"I was kidding!" I said, raising my hands in defense and backing away slowly.

"Thought so."

Geez, someone gets cranky when away from her man for too long. No matter how badly he is possessed. Or in a trance, rather.

Belgaer was, needless to say, in all her hobbit-glory. "I'm thinking something complicated." She said gleefully.

"Oh, good. What do you have in mind?" Eowyn questioned.

"I have no idea; I just want it to be complicated. Preferably something involving secret codes and nicknames."

We must have looked confused, for she sighed and shook her head, muttering something about "amateurs." I'd be mad if it weren't true.

Then a thought hit me.

"What if…" I began, and all eyes were on me. "What if we infiltrate Rohan, to gain their trust, and then…" I hesitated—my plan didn't go much farther than that. Plotting was more of Belgaer's niche.

"Yeah…" Browne agreed. "Maybe start some whisperings, rumors…That could work to our advantage." She shrugged. "It worked for Melkor."

"But how to finish it?" Eowyn puzzled. "We'd be there for YEARS."

There was a rustling in the bushes. "I think I can help." Came a voice.

We whirled around to see a boy, in his teens, step out of the bushes. He had the typical sandy-brownish-blonde hair of the Rohirric, blue eyes, and several light freckles from being in the sun. Now, I'm not going to say that he wasn't attractive, that would be a blatant lie. But it isn't like I started pining over him, composing sappy songs, and planning our wedding and what our children will be named.

"What's your name?" Arwen asked with narrow eyes, her hand on the hilt of her sword. "Why do you wish to help us?"

The boy just stared back in a self-assured way, not looking too scared. I guess he's never seen Arwen or Eowyn fight, because I'D be scared.

"As to my name, I will reveal it in due time." Oooh, cryptic. "As to why I wish to help…have you BEEN to Rohan in the past months!"

At the half-disgusted, half-incredulous look on his face, I burst out laughing. Browne had a sympathetic look on her face, and Belgaer attempted (and failed) to. I guess they had been through a lot because of Starr too. I shudder to think what.

The boy looked indignant. Aw, I don't think he likes me very much. Too bad.

Ah, where is this sarcasm coming from?

The boy shook his head, obviously not wanting to deal with me. "Rohan is a MESS. My homeland…in shambles! Some dark presence has fallen over the land and the people have fallen victim to its spell. Strangely, I was not affected, for I recognized the presence for what it was—"

"A Mary Sue." He and Naurin chorused. He looked startled and stared at her.

"How did you know?" he questioned.

"We may not be from around here, but this is happening all over." She replied coolly. "We only just delivered my home, Lothlorien, from the spell."

The boy looked at us with respect. "You are Sue Slayers?"

Are we? I guess we are.

He turned to me. "You don't talk much, do you?"

I keep my witty and stinging comments to myself, sweetheart. That's what I thought, not what I said. "No."

Ignoring my teasing, he turned to Arwen. "I will take you to Meduseld." His eyes fell on Eowyn, and widened significantly. Then, he sighed and shook his head. "I am sorry, I mistook you for someone else: the Lady Eowyn. She has been missing for many years, and while no one else may have noticed, it is a grievous loss for someone not under a spell."

Eowyn beamed. "I'm glad to hear I was missed."

His jaw dropped open. "It IS you!" he looked as if he had to restrain himself from hugging her. It was pretty cute. "Where have you been! You never returned to Rohan once the Fellowship and those two women had left for Gondor."

"Yeah, funny story. Those two 'women'? They were the Sues. Starr and Celeste."

"And yes, there is a celestial theme in the names. They have a daughter named Andromeda. And Nelleyadettekiyna, but that's beside the point." I said, matter-of-factly.

"How did you come across this information?" he asked.

I grinned. Let's see how he would react to this. "I am Starr's daughter."

All the color drained out of his face and he leapt back about five feet, as if I would either bite him or infect him.

Belgaer fought back laughter. "Priceless."

"I seceded from my family. Do not worry yourself. I won't infect you."

Relief washed over his face. "Thank the Valar!"

"Now," smiled Arwen. "Not to be impatient, but it is imperative that we get to Rohan. If you have any ideas to help us, let me know."

The boy nodded, suddenly having a sense of purpose. He clearly hasn't had much to do in the past few months. I'm guessing a lot of wandering around and pondering how his life got so crappy.

"How is Eomer doing?" Eowyn asked as we headed for the Golden Hall.

The boy, who had been giving us a lot of details about the condition of Rohan, suddenly fell silent. The look on his face was painful.

Eowyn sighed. "That bad?"

"Odds are, he had a thing with Starr, and the effects of that aren't pretty." I said, deadpan. "I'd hate to say it, but Eomer is going to be the toughest to break. He's been the closest to Starr."

"It's strange that you were the only one to be unaffected. Wouldn't at least some other people have recognized the devilry that is a Sue?"

"I tried warning people, but once I had noticed it, it was too late. They were love-struck."

"They were Starr-struck." I corrected. "There's a big difference."

"Really? Would you care to expound upon that theory?" he grinned.

"Oooh, you have a biiiig vocabulary. Unfortunately for you, I'm not as stupid as my mother."

He laughed. "I'm glad your IQ is higher than your age."

"If it weren't, I doubt I'd still be breathing."

"Well, not to interrupt this witty banter, but we must pick up the pace." Naurin smirked.

We reached a clearing in the trees and then a wide expanse of land stretched before us. They were random boulders scattered around the plain, and we could see the Golden Hall gleaming on a hill several miles away. The sun was getting lower in the sky and the clouds took on a pinkish glow. All that beautiful scenery was virtually ruined for me as I took a closer look and realized that there was a pink flag with the letter 's' on it, fluttering in the breeze above Meduseld.

We set up camp, partly because it was getting dark, and partly because we were all dreading going into that city.

As Belgaer cooked dinner, I began to see what the guy was talking about. Even the fire had a pinkish glow to it. Or maybe I'm just tired and hallucinating. If you listened closely when it was quiet, you didn't hear the howling of the wolves. No, you hear the faint sound of the Rohirric singing praises to Starr (there were a few stanzas about Celeste too).

Personally, I would have been a lot less unsettled if it had been wolves. I really don't want to hear about my mother's talents in bed. Because there were a good twenty lines dedicated to that aspect of Starr.

I shuddered and drew my cloak closer around my shoulders.

The boy, for lack of a better name, glanced at me. "What's it like to have someone like Starr for a mother?"

"Can you picture having your brain ripped from your head and stomped on?"

He winced at the imagery. "Yes. That bad?"

"No."

"Oh."

"It's a lot worse."

"And I thought I had it bad." He let out a low whistle.

"Well, keep in mind, I was used to it. Of course, when I ran away with Arwen and Eowyn, it was the best feeling in the world. If I had to go back to that life, I'd probably purposely fall on the nearest sword or throw myself from the top level of Minas Tirith."

His eyes took on an odd glow. "What's that city like?"

I sighed. No matter how many bad memories I had there, I did miss my home. "Beautiful. There's no other way to describe it."

"Perhaps I will accompany you on the way home…"

I shrugged. "Why not? The more the merrier." I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. "Are you ever going to tell us your name?"

He grinned. "Soon, soon. I know it makes you crazy, so I'll wait a little longer."

How could he tell? Was I really that obvious?…Don't answer that.

Belgaer came over and handed us each a plate of steaming soup. Browne was perched in a nearby tree, slightly slack-jawed. I think she was sleeping. Naurin was conversing softly with Arwen in Elvish. Eowyn was a little ways off, walking among a pile of boulders. We could tell she was happy to be home, and slightly impatient to get home and fix things. She was the only one.

She soon came back and joined us in talking. Several hours later, we settled down for bed. It felt like I had barely shut my eyes when Browne was shaking me lightly, telling me that it was time to get up. In case anyone was wondering, I'm not a morning person. I don't know many who are.

Browne is.

I muttered some curses about her and her mother, and rolled over to go back to bed. Light laughter could be heard. Elves. Then I remembered that I was an Elf. Or at least partially. I don't really know if Legolas is my real father. It is quite possible that Eowyn is my aunt. But that is something I really don't care to think about.

I hauled my sorry carcass up and packed up my things.

"We'll be leaving in a few minutes." Arwen informed me. "Who's ready for the final downfall of Starr?"

"I AM!" we all shouted simultaneously. We must have been loud, because I think I detected a momentary silence in the Song of Starr that was emanating from the nearby city. But sure enough, several seconds later, it was resumed.

We neared the gate around noon. It wasn't until were about two miles away that I could see the pink banners that read "We luvv Starr 4 Eva." The boy next to us smacked a hand to his forehead. "Darn! They replaced the one I burned yesterday morning!" I admired his efforts. I suppose there's only so much one man can do in a city full of crazy people.

The moment we reached the gates, they were thrown open. "WELCOME!"

So much for having gates to protect against enemies. These people weren't just crazy, they were also FAR too cheerful. And that's just annoying.

We braced for the worst, and walked in.

I heard once from Gimli that when they entered Rohan, you'd apparently "find more cheer in a graveyard." Either this place has changed greatly, or Gimli couldn't have been more wrong. I'm going with the first one.

People were literally DANCING in the streets. Dancing. This was the happiest place in the world. I swear it! Drinks all around, not a mean word spoken…no sense of modesty.

But we won't go into that last one.

The path to Meduseld seem to stretch on for miles. I wasn't sure about anyone else, but I was unsure of whether to point and laugh, or run screaming from the city. It was very…disturbing.

The boy leading us masked his shame well. He did, however, twitch slightly every once in a while, and I thought I could detect a small vein throbbing in his forehead. The look on his face was barely-concealed annoyance.

"I'm guessing it will only get worse once we are closer to the castle," Belgaer whispered. Eowyn had a sour look on her face, as she recognized several members of the town behaving particularly…freely…and proceeded to give them very withering looks. They merely raised their glasses in a toast to her with glazed looks in their eyes. Because of the alcohol or spell, I have no idea.

We finally reached the castle and climbed the steps. We were met with the sight of a sign congratulating us on burning 110 calories, whatever those were. Then a far stranger sight met our eyes.

"SISTER DEAR!"

Eowyn's jaw dropped.

TBC…

Ooo, mean cliffie. I'm guessing there will be one or two more chapters. Sorry it has taken so long to update.