Chapter 19: A Wee Little Orcsy

"I…Ah…Uah…Eh…" Eowyn could do no more than stutter with a blank look on her face as she stared at who stood before her.

I'm pretty sure the rest of us had to pick our jaws up off the floor as well. I never knew Eomer, but I was pretty sure this wasn't a normal way of dressing for him.

Picture the brightest pink. Then multiply that tenfold, turn it into a kingly (yet lacy) tunic with the phrase "Starr is My Love Muffin" embroidered across the front in sparkles. Add in a blonde wig, high-heeled "man" boots, and a flowy cape, and you have Eomer's outfit.

I was definitely torn between backhanding him and falling to the ground incapable with laughter. So I did the second. And I wasn't alone. But we won't mention names…(cough) Belgaer (cough). Browne and Naurin were attempting to put on dignified fronts, but their faces were a brilliant shade of scarlet from trying to hold in the laughter. The boy looked about ready to cry, and Eowyn still hadn't been able to piece together a coherent sentence.

Meanwhile, we're still rolling on the ground in laughter.

"Those clothes! That WIG! …Oh, you're k-killing me!" Belgaer howled.

Eomer pouted. "Starr loves Elves, I felt it was fitting to make her happy." He replied in defense of the white-blonde atrocity perched precariously atop his head. He turned on his heel with a swish of his cape and swaggered up to the castle, with our group following. Belgaer and I, who had managed to pick ourselves up off the ground and compose ourselves, almost broke into fresh peals of laughter at this. The boy shot us a warning look. I was, at this time, getting pretty sick of referring to him as "the boy", so once the others were a bit further up the path, I cornered him against the wall of a nearby hut. Ignoring the random catcalls from on looking villages, I put my hands on my hips.

"I'm sick of this not-knowing-your-name nonsense. You WILL tell me who you are."

He just grinned at me. "And if I don't?"

"I might accidentally let the word 'makeover' slip…" I replied. He paled.

"You wouldn't."

I gave him a look.

"You would!"

"Yeah. Pretty much."

"Deorwine. That's my name."

"Nice to finally meet you. I'm glad we'll have a male in our traveling company at last. We need some one to protect us from the big baddies." I smiled and walked off.

"Making fun of me, eh? Well it just so happens I don't like to fight, anyway!"

Several minutes later, we were standing in Meduseld, before the throne. I won't go into too much detail about what Eomer talked about. Let's just say it involved Starr, pink, and "sleeppovas." He would frequently use the phrase "lol" as well, though I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. He found it particularly funny, however.

Later on, in the rooms we were given, our plotting began. Deorwine joined us, because…well, anything would be better than being in the town!

"I've got an idea…" Belgaer murmured. "Eomer is a manly man…Er, WAS a manly man," she coughed. Eowyn looked miffed, but not about to argue. "What do manly men love to do?"

We all paused in thought. I remembered my previous conversation with Deorwine. "FIGHT!" I chimed in.

"Right!" Belgaer grinned. "We could probably find a few scattered orcs around here and there, couldn't we?"

"So you're saying we should form our own orc army?" Naurin summarized. "That really can't be too difficult."

"One question: how do we get them to fight for us, yet not completely demolish this place?" I asked.

"I doubt you will have any trouble," the previously silent Deorwine broke in. "The orcs here are going slightly insane with all the music and, well, blatant girlyness of my people. If you can capture them, tie them up, and talk to them, they'll help."

"You mean, if WE can capture them." Arwen smiled.

Deorwine rolled his eyes. "Peace, Elf-lady, I have every intention of helping."

And that's how we found ourselves on a stake-out, waiting to lure in unsuspecting orcs. It's strange to think that a Sue could make us ally with our worst enemies.

We watched with slight amusement as a lumbering orc reached for the bait—a human sacrifice, of course…fake, that is—we laid for him. A rope tightened around his ankle and the look on his mangled face as he found himself swinging upside down from a tree by his foot was priceless!

He let out several curses in Black Speech which I'm quite positive weren't pleasant. Browne stepped out of the shadows, our designated interrogator. Apparently, she can be really scary when she wants to, as I learned.

"Well, well, well, what have we here?" she said in a silky tone. "A wee little orcsy." He snarled at her, but she continued unfazed. "Perhaps this orcsy would like to listen to my little proposition…I'll let you down if you do me a favor."

"Why should I?" he growled. Arwen stepped out of the shadows with an arrow drawn, aimed at his heart.

"I could think of one or two reasons…" Browne replied nonchalantly. "But this is a favor that could benefit you as well…"

"So, then, lyke, omg, teh gurl was lyke, ur stoopid, and I was lyke, I kno u are but whut am I?" Eomer giggled like an adolescent. Around him, his loyal, way-too-happy-go-lucky subjects cracked up in appreciative laughter. "But seriusly—" he stopped as he heard a strange rumbling. "Are teh villagres holding anuther three-legged race?" Screams filled the air. "Prolly not."

The screams increased. Eomer felt something in him stir. "Mebee Starr is visiting!" he said, running to the doors and flinging them open. What met his eyes was not a crowd of overly-ecstatic people flocking around Starr, but a crowd of frightened people stampeding away from a troop of orcs overtaking the city. All the happiness vanished and Eomer found himself brought back to reality. These…orcs…would dare invade his city and threaten his people. His hand went to the hilt of his sword as he shed his disgusting clothes, his normal attire underneath. They would pay.

Insert gory carnage here.

I can't really detail what happen, because by the time we reached the city, the orcs were all dead. Completely dead. Deader than dead. It looked like Eomer had killed them, resurrected them, and killed them again. It looked like he may have been taking his frustrations over the newly pink city out on the innocent orcs. I almost felt bad for them.

But then I got over it.

Eowyn leapt into her brother's arms and gave him a fierce hug. "One more minute of you like that and I would have gutted you myself!" she laughed, slightly teary-eyed. I guess she really missed him.

The whole situation was explained to him, and let's just say that Deorwine had to help us hold him back from getting on his horse and riding straight to Gondor. We explained our plan, and he seemed to relax, rather enjoying the idea of seeing Starr crash and burn. It was decided that he and Deorwine would accompany us to Gondor.

At this point, the group of us was REALLY excited to get to Gondor, so we decided to set out right away. It was a long walk.

In Gondor…

Starr woke up with a stretch. "Whut a beyootiful day." She walked over and sat down in front of the mirror. She looked into it, and it shattered. She screamed. "Mah looks are fading! Manew save meee!"

Manwe could be heard snorting at the ridiculousness of this idea as he continued shooting fiery arrows at a picture of our "beloved" Starr.

There was a knock at the door. "Starr? Something tells me we should postpone the wedding…I'm getting second thoughts…"

Starr let out a ghastly wail and Legolas scurried away from the door, wide-eyed.

TBC…

Yeah, so I decided that there will probably be more than just two chapters left. I couldn't possibly wrap it all up and put in everything I wanted in just one more after this one. So expect about three more at this current time. That could increase, I don't really know…