Life

Years after Serena OD on heroine her diary is found.

Diary,

Guess what my new English teacher wants me to write in you, but I feel kind of stupid writing in you, maybe that'll change if I give you a name. Geez that's going to be kind of hard, I'm not sure what name to give you. There's;

-Lia/

- Jessi/

- Cat

I thing the name Lia suits you more.

So now onto more important stuff. I can't believe the all the Scouts are together finally are millenniums of waiting, it's finally happened. The Spore, Rini has just broken to me, that Darien and I are her parents this is like so isn't happening, seriously I'm about to flunk school not that being a Scout is going to help it, but like get real did she really want me to live, till I give birth to the little brat. I would happily kill her, she's like invading my whole life, destroying what remind my life from before I even met the scouts.

Not much else is happening other than the fact my life is crumbling around me god this annoying, I'm seriously pathetic. Yesterday at the park, after Rei and I had a fight, slightly more serious then our normal ones I had run off.

Molly and I aren't talking that much anymore, I need to talk to her about Scout things, but I can't Luna and everyone would kill me. Am I planning on living in the shadows of my mother and my past life for the rest of my life, willing to let the Scouts walk all over me and threaten me into doing what they want, I really should just grow a back bone and give them a piece of my mind. But I'm not willing to stand up to them, they're all I have, the people I can trust and my worst enemies in one.

Ja ne!

Dear Lia,

I've been grounded for a whole month, I was late for dinner, there was an unexpected youma attack (but then all Youma attacks are unexpected). Dad wasn't really understanding, actually to say that he wasn't understanding is an understatement. He lost it when I got through the door.

I FUCKING HATE LIFE! I WISH EVERYONE WOULD JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. I don't want to put up with anyone's crap at the moment.

I've taken up a new past time to help me, kind of stay a live. No one's noticed I've become sullen, suicidal, and I'm wearing long sleeve tops everywhere. Of course I would be so-o in shit if anyone ever found out what I'm doing. I mean to the scouts I'm their long lost Princess, and Princesses are meant to be perfect in every way, not willing to cut themselves up just to feel something. Then again I have no idea why I hold a blade to my upper arm and press down harder enough for blood to well up and run down in trickles down my arm. I can't feel anything, from the cold metal of the blade pressed up against my skin, the way my flesh gives as the blade cleanly runs across my skin, for some reason I'm numb to everything around me.

I would give anything to feel again to be the hyper active girl everyone knows and remembers, but I can't get out of what ever is pulling me under, and against my wishes I don't want to reach the surface. I'm purposely sliding my fingers against anything I could grip, to tantalise myself to see if I really want to live and feel again, but I couldn't care about anything at the moment.

Onto a more happier note, Molly and I've started talking again. I think for some reason Molly suspects somethings wrong with me, I could sense it from the looks she has been giving me all week. I can't write how I really feel about life during English, I don't want anyone to read what I'm writing.

The wind flutters trough my hair

I raise my tear streaked face to the sky

The wind cools my skin

I wish nothing had changed

I found give anything to stop it for happening to anyone else

but even I'm not that strong

I can't just push aside everything I've learnt,

lived by just to end my pain

I've always kind of looked down on people for that reason

my willingness for things only go so far.

I'm tired of this life

isn't it strange that i'm supposed to be living the best times of my life

and I want to end it

to hid from my problems

Ja ne!

Dear Lia,

I think I'm almost home free of being grounded. I don't think anyone can handle anymore of me being home all afternoon and doing nothing but my homework (well at least attempting to, but that's not the point) and reading. I'm still trying to figure out how long it will take them to crack and release me from my grounding.

I can't believe I was stupid enough to not lock my door or draw my curtains, see Luna almost found out, but luckily enough I still had my head cause I was able to blame my bleeding wrist on my own stupidity. Thankfully! I really don't want to explain, why the hell I'm cutting myself to a bunch of hyperactive, brainless Scouts.

I met the new girl today, her name's Annalise. Anyway she's invited me to a party this Thursday, it's with a bunch of her old schoolies.

For some reason the Scouts have been giving me the cold shoulder, I act like I want to know what's going on, but in my heart I believe they should all get stuffed. So in away my whole life's on hold until I figure out what's going on with me.

I better start my homework now before Dad gets home, if I feel like not being grounded any longer.

Ja ne!

Dear Lia,

I don't ever remember feeling so free in my life. I don't remember much of the party, but there are somethings I can just make out.

Where the party was being held it was dark, I could hardly see what was in front of me, but I do know that Annalise lead me to where the 'gang' were sitting around, appearing to be pretty out of it.

Annalise introduced me to David, he was pretty cute, much better looking than Darien. He gave me these vibes, they were sort of bad but nothing in comparison to Metallia, and the Nega Verse. He showed the ropes, and held my hand when I was introduced into the 'WORLD'. My skin still feels warm several hours after my first dose of skag, (as Annalise, David and the gang call it).

I need to see Annalise tomorrow, to find out when the next 'party' is happening.

Ja ne!

Dear Lia,

I found Annalise behind the gym having a break before going back to class. She's given me an offer I almost can't refuse. She can get me a job working with her in Sherfield Boutique, and from there I can get a as much skag as I need. I'm going to think about the offer, and I most likely will take her up on the offer. On the upside apparently David works on just around the corner from the Boutique.

Annalise also invited me to another party this Saturday, considering Saturday is the Scout picnic I'll probably have to turn her down. But I so don't want to.

My skin is beginning to feel like its got bugs and little creepy crawls all over them, I've already knocked several scabbs off my arms from where I've been cutting.

I've hidden the blade in a new place, Sammy almost found it this afternoon, when he decided to steal into my room and trash it. Ooohhh want I wouldn't give for him to disappear off the face of the earth.

I keep getting this feeling Molly is close to figuring out what I'm doing, when Melvin knocked my left arm today during Chemistry, blood began to seep through my sleeve. I wasn't embrassed like I would have been before my transformation, I was more worried they'd find out and stop me from cutting. I don't think I could handle that, if they forced me to stop I guess it would send me over the deep end. They don't understand what it's like to be me, to have people to rely on me all the time, to have everyone expect me to be a screw up, with that expectation it's no wonder that I'm lazy. See I've admitted it, I'm not perfect. Hey, look on the bright side no one is, and if they believe they're perfect there is obviously something more sinister under the surface.

How much longer will I have to live this lie? I need to be free. I don't want, mean to hurt people. It's just as long as people are close to me, they'll always be hurt.

I am so tired, I feel so cold. I almost feel like I'm dying. But it's not like that.

I can hear Dad's car pulling up in the driveway.

Ja ne!