Author's Note: I mention that Janeway has known Tuvok for fifteen years, as in 'Fury' it is mentioned they have known each other approximately twenty. However, I choose to discount the 'Revulsion' conflicting statement that their association has been for nine years instead. I want to play the angle of Janeway from 'Shattered'; I don't think the writers explored it well enough…And as usual, the timeline has been twisted, the usual 'Kellin, Riley, Kaschyk and Michael don't exist' but also including a displaced 'Collective', when the Borg kids were brought aboard, from having occurred during the sixth season, to during the fourth. I felt that Janeway suffering for four years at the least was rather excessive.
Prologue Fading Daylight
Janeway fought to steady her hand as her body shuddered under the onslaught of pain. Gritting her teeth, she at last managed a stable enough grip to administer the hypospray. Curling up against a wall in her bedroom, she waited out the spell.
The Doctor contacted her at one stage, but Janeway quickly assured him in a steely tone that she was taking her medication and would prefer to recover in her quarters. She also conveyed to him that interference would not be appreciated.
"Besides, Doctor, what really could you do?" she asked. "And you know the rumour mill around here; it just wouldn't be worth it."
"Very well, Captain," the hologram agreed finally, in a troubled tone. "Sickbay out."
Janeway dropped her head back on her knees, the energy she had experienced while arguing with the Doctor evaporating. It was troubling the strength and quantity of medication she had been forced to take. Her illness, having troubled her for a long time, was accelerating quickly in severity. Her continued survival had ever been in doubt, and now more so. The time had come, it seemed, to let some trusted few know.
She grimaced at the mere thought of moving and then smoothed her expression, closing her eyes and concentrating on mastering herself. Not for the first time, she wished for the detachment of Vulcans, the ability to distance herself from herself.
If only…but she isolated that wistful thought and dismissed it. It was impractical- inefficient, as Seven would say, to dwell on what was beyond her control. She could not alter her circumstances, so she would not obsess over the matter, centre her life around it and in doing so, give up more of herself to something that had already claimed too much from her…
hinking in this strain for a few moments, Janeway was startled to realize that her normally
sharp senses had taken a brief detour; the sudden realization caused the drowsiness that had overcome her to pass as she was shocked back to full consciousness with an involuntary flinch. She called to the computer for the time, and realized that more than an hour had passed in those 'few moments'. It was a further sign of the physical deterioration of her body, she knew, and despised that weakness.
At last, she mustered the energy to move, and she made her way to stand outside Chakotay's door. She wondered absently what was taking so long for him to respond, and then heard mingled laughter from the inside. Who was he with?
Curiosity stirred into life- at least it took some edge off the lingering pain- and Janeway was quick to enter when Chakotay finally answered, "Come in." Looking around, she saw him with two unlikely females-
"Naomi? Mezoti?"
"Hi, Captain!" Naomi greeted her cheerfully, echoed by her friend in a less enthusiastic voice. Mezoti, while growing fully into her childhood, was still capable of reticence at times.
"I was just telling them a story," Chakotay said, face expressionless. "Was there something you wanted, Captain?"
Janeway studied him, and for a moment, felt regret over the decision she had made a few
years back. The friendship and support that would have been available to her, that he still
offered at times, may have moderated the sharp edge of her ailment. But, at first, her
thought had been for him; she would never want him to suffer right alongside her, only able to watch her die slowly…and afterwards, she had managed to cope with it in her own way. She no longer needed him, and she reminded herself of that.
"Captain?" there was a trace of concern in his voice this time that he could not hide, and
Janeway was discomfited at this evidence of the generosity of his spirit. It reminded her
that despite the numerous times she had increased the distance between them, either by sheer stupidity or deliberately, for his own sake and for hers, Chakotay still cared about her.
Was there something?" he repeated.
aneway glanced thoughtfully at the two girls beside him, looking at home cuddled to
his side. They carefully avoided expressing their dismay over her interruption but she could tell they felt it. As she suddenly felt a stab of pain. So soon after the treatment? Her brow furrowed. This was not a good sign- her condition was increasing its hold over her.
"No, Commander, it can wait," she covered, not letting on her distress. "I'll brief you along with the senior staff tomorrow," Janeway said, nodding at him. "Good night, all of you." She dredged up a convincing smile with the ease of long practise at maintaining composure at the expense of her true feelings, and then left.
As they watched the Captain leave, Mezoti spoke up, "Commander, the Captain did not wish to speak with us present."
It was a question presented as a statement. The young girl, a former Borg drone, was still a little insecure when it came to her position on Voyager, and her stilted manner expressed her concern that she was in the way, something that she could not bear. She knew that she owed much to Voyager's crew and this knowledge sometimes prompted her to withdraw behind walls of polite detachment and willing seclusion.
"I agree with her assessment," Naomi added solemnly.
Naomi Wildman, who formerly staked a claim on being the only child on the ship, had taken to the girl immediately, and her friendship aided Mezoti's adjustment to her new life. Still, Chakotay worked on reassuring her that she had a home with the crew.
"Well, if it was something urgent, I'm sure she would have spoken to me," Chakotay said in a suitably grave tone. "And she said she would brief the Senior Staff tomorrow morning anyhow."
"You'll stay with us?" Naomi asked.
"Of course."
A shy smile graced Mezoti's face, and Naomi beamed at him. Chakotay tried to smile back, now more to reassure himself than them; the Captain's mood had been a little odd. Oh well. I guess I'll find out tomorrow…
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Janeway sat at her monitor, its light the only source of illumination, casting her slight figure in a grim tableau against the rushing stars that formed an indifferent background. Even as she mechanically reviewed various tasks that required her consideration, her thoughts turned inward. Much of her contemplations of late had been dismal; as her condition worsened, hungrily consuming her body, she became more aware that she was no closer to attaining her goal- to return to the Alpha Quadrant- than she had been upon first falling ill. Janeway grimaced as she made the mistake of calling attention to the omnipresent pain, causing her fingers to cease their efficient movement on the panel before her as it flared beyond her ability to disregard.
At first, she had reacted by drawing her knees up and trying to make herself into a small ball, to quench the struggle that waged continually between her decimated immune system and the attacking virus. Of course, that had no effect, not that she had ever expected it to, but it had been instinctual for her to respond that way in the past. Now she simply froze in place, barely twitching a muscle as she breathed sparingly, accepting only the minimum intake of oxygen necessary for her body to continue functioning. These days, when nothing could help her, when even the serum that had initially kept it under her control was failing to counteract the effects as it once had, even the smallest movement triggered a larger flare-up of agony throughout her body. It paid to keep very, very still.
Nausea rolled over her in waves. Janeway ruthlessly quashed the urge.
Long moments passed, and still her body fought her will, testing her resolve, seeking to humiliate her. These moments sickened her, where she could no longer compartmentalize her illness and thus control it, when she was undeniably affected by it, made helpless… She had been betrayed by her own internal system- subsumed by the alien virus and then brought to bear against her- and it showed no signs of abating.
"Janeway to Sickbay," she forced out, hating having to seek the hologram's help.
"Sickbay here," the Doctor's voice responded immediately, suggesting he had not been
deactivated when she called. "What can I do for you?"
She did not answer.
"Captain?" sharp alarm sounded in the hologram's voice. "Captain, respond!"
Not waiting for even a few seconds- the fact that the Captain had called Sickbay suggested the matter was out of control- he ordered an emergency transport. When Janeway's body appeared, stretched out on a bio-bed, she did not move to reprimand him as he had half hoped she would, hoping he had overreacted. But the Captain was barely even breathing.
It gave the Doctor pause. "Oh, no," he muttered under his breath. "No, Captain, you are not about to die on me, I refuse to allow you to die in my Sickbay." Briskly, he set to work,
not allowing himself to speculate on the likelihood of her survival.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Doctor?" Commander Chakotay barrelled through the door. "What's going on?" He stopped short at the sight of his Captain on the bio-bed. "What happened to her?"
"I believe you should wait until the other members of the senior staff arrive, so that I will not have to repeat myself," the Doctor said, his voice lacking the usual acerbic tone.
That made Chakotay nervous. The Doctor could always be relied on for his acidic remarks, the general air that he was superior to any and all others aboard Voyager and that that fact should be acknowledged by all. The reality that they did not disappointed him, making conversation with him consistently hazardous, though many found it fun to aggravate the hologram, Tom Paris being the main antagonist.
Speaking of the devil, the blond chief helmsman walked through the doors with B'Elanna
Torres, both irritated by the late night call.
"Doc, is this necessary?" Paris asked, yawning.
Torres glared, "Because if it isn't, I swear that this time, I really will disassemble your
matrix, piece by-" the couple froze in shock as they became aware of the Captain's state, and the disheartened look on the Doctor's face.
"What happened to her?" Paris unconsciously repeated Chakotay's words.
"I've been informed we should wait til the others arrive," the Commander said tonelessly.
"So that he doesn't have to repeat himself."
The younger man nodded slowly. "Fair enough, though I would've thought you the last person to give up this opportunity to lecture to a captive audience a couple times over."
"I'm not the one with the big mouth, Mr Paris."
Torres murmured aside, "That shut you up," but before further debate could occur, Tuvok
stiffly entered the room, followed by Neelix who had evidently picked up a point of
long-standing contention between them, judging by the Vulcan's tight expression. Kes
followed behind, trading an amused expression with Ensign Kim, and Seven entered after them, an eyebrow raised in bemused nonchalance.
Then the exuberant Talaxian, along with the remainder of the senior staff, noticed the situation. "Doctor?" he appealed to the uncharacteristically sombre hologram. "What happened? Is she going to be all right? It's not serious, is it?"
"Undoubtedly the Doctor would not have required our presence here at this time had it not
been serious, Mr Neelix," Seven said sharply, staring at the woman who had acted as a parent to her, easing the transition from Borg drone to human, with concern that rapidly turned to anger as her head snapped back to the Doctor. "Explain."
"As most of you would remember, although Seven, you weren't aboard at that time," the Doctor started with difficulty, "the Captain and Commander, while on an uninhabited M-class planet, succumbed to a virus transmitted via insect bite. The severity of the condition resulted in an enforced stay on the planet, which possessed an environment that somehow neutralized the effects of the disease."
"She's suffered a relapse?" Chakotay asked, eyes intent on the hologram.
"We contacted the Vidiians and they, having more advanced medical knowledge, provided a cure for the virus."
"You're cutting out all the good parts," Paris muttered, recalling the vicious battle they
had engaged in when the Vidiians decided to set a trap for them.
"It seemed successful in curing their condition, however, later, the Captain admitted to suffering from similar, though subdued, ailments. I thought that the differences between
Vidiian and human physiology had been accounted for, but apparently," he glanced over at
Janeway, "I was in error."
"When did you realize this miscalculation?" Tuvok enquired.
The hologram hesitated. "When the Captain reported similar, albeit diminished, symptoms…" he looked around at their faces, knowing they weren't going to be pleased with his answer, "which was approximately a fortnight after she and the Commander returned to Voyager."
Kim frowned, "But that was-"
"Two years ago," the Commander whispered. Anger and disbelief appeared on his face as he said more loudly, "You mean to tell me that she's been suffering from this thing for two years?"
"Two years? Yes. Suffering? Not exactly, not until more recently," the Doctor said. "The
treatment, courtesy of Danara Pel, strengthened her immune system against the effects of the virus, however, it did not eradicate all traces of it. The virus simply retreated into hiding, til it could regroup and launch a new attack. Viruses have a history of ferocity, adapting to new circumstances and overwhelming the patient's immune system by mutating faster than it can recognize the threat til it eventually- collapses."
All eyes involuntarily returned to Janeway.
"She's been taking the serum I synthesized, after exhaustive study of what I received from Danara, modifying it to better suit her physiology, but after such a prolonged exposure…" the Doctor heaved a sigh, "all I could do was treat the symptoms, not the cause."
"Why weren't we told about this?" Torres demanded. "All those times that she's pushed herself to the limit, and she had this virus to deal with as well! She shouldn't have been out there, putting herself on the line-"
"And that's why she didn't want anyone to know," Chakotay said under the Chief Engineer's tirade but they all heard him.
Torres bit her lip. "She didn't want us to worry." Fortunately she only allowed herself a mild oath, controlling the inclination to violent behaviour that tended to appear when emotionally perturbed, which she was indeed at the moment. Meditation with Tuvok seemed to be working wonders.
"Did she know from the start that the likely outcome was- this?" Chakotay asked.
The Doctor nodded. "It was unlikely that she could recover from such a virulent strain of disease. She knew the probable end result."
"But Doctor, I was in Sickbay, and then Tom more recently," Kes said in her gentle voice,
"why didn't you allow us to help you? We're not trained in the finer points of this illness
she's suffering from, but we may have been able to see something that could help, relieve some of the pressure you were under."
"She didn't want anyone to know," he said adamantly. "Since she was prepared for it, the
Captain felt she would prefer to remain in full command of her ship til the very end, rather than alarm the crew and be forced to pass the mantle…"
"Clearly, her judgement was affected," Tuvok said.
"What would you have me do?" the Doctor asked, annoyed. "Doctor-patient confidentiality. It's not something I just ignore when it suits me, not to mention the fact that my program's ethical sub-routine wouldn't allow it anyhow."
"This is really very interesting, but uh- what are her chances?" Neelix asked, his slight wince as he posed the question signifying he did not expect a positive answer. And in the increasingly tense atmosphere, the silence that ensued spoke volumes.
"Ah, all right then," the Talaxian subsided, troubled.
"She contacted me about an hour ago, but could barely even speak and when I received no further word from her, I was alarmed to the extent that I ordered a transport," the Doctor filled them in on recent events. "When she got here, there was nothing I could do. The Captain lapsed into a coma, and although her autonomic nervous system is still functioning, there's minimal brain activity and her cortical functions- well, you don't need to me to dress it up. After this entire discussion, you should know that things aren't looking very good. It's just a matter of when, now."
"If you don't mind, I'm going to try and be positive," Kes said resolutely. "Captain Janeway didn't give up on me when I was comatose after that incident with the shrine on the Nechani homeworld. Perhaps I can't do as much now as she did for me then, but I can still have faith."
"Faith is irrelevant," Seven's voice shook and her repressed emotions, the anger at what had happened to the Captain, rebounded in a verbal attack on Kes. "It will not restore her to us. And no matter how positive your attitude, it will not cure her."
"What do you suggest, Seven?" Kes asked her.
Seven remained silent for quite a few moments, striving to keep control of herself. Unfortunately, losing that control was a human weakness she was susceptible to.
"Her death is unacceptable." With that, Seven strode out.
The others looked helplessly at each other, and Kim murmured apologies at the abrupt departure and went after her. The others also gradually, reluctantly, dispersed. The Doctor
deactivated himself, muttering about how Janeway always seemed to be the cause of extended activation.
Soon Chakotay was the only one in the room with her. He slowly walked to her side, looking down at her pale face. "You could have told me," he said softly. "You should have. I said I would do whatever I could to make your burdens lighter. That your needs would come first. I didn't realize that you thought more for the crew's peace of mind and wellbeing than your own, not to this- unimaginable- degree."
She didn't respond, and Chakotay sat, watching her mechanically breathe in and out, utterly still other than that movement. "Was that why you decided to distance yourself? Tuvok was right; your judgement must have been affected. We would have rather known, than let you suffer alone." Thoughts of her in pain in the quarters right next to his filled him with anguish. "Why, Kathryn?" her name felt odd on his tongue, after couple years disuse. It filled him with long locked away memories of New Earth, times then that he treasured, andwhich were years later tinged with bittersweet emotion. "Why you and not me?"
He took her hand in his gently, and bowed his head over her, wracked with guilt.
-End Prologue-