Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion, because it belongs to Gainax, ADV Films, and Hideaki Anno. If they ask, I will remove this story from view and possibly from existence should the need arise. I also do not own Nightwish or anything related to Nightwish except for a couple of CDs. Should they ask, I'm screwed, because the lyrics to the songs are important for the story.
Wish I Had An AngelChapter 3: Higher Than Hope
Shinji Ikari's eyes fluttered open, meeting the almost sheer darkness of the early morning as the events of the previous evening came back to him. She hates me now, he thought sullenly, rubbing his eyes and allowing them to adjust to the low light of the room. Shinji banished thoughts of Asuka from his mind as best he could, though the ache he felt in his heart refused to leave entirely. The young man ran a hand through his brown hair, though the shape did not change very much; dressed quickly; and left his room, deciding to start the day early rather than attempting to sleep and going back to fighting his nightmares away.
Shinji slid two pieces of bread into the toaster and began making a pot of tea as he checked the living room clock. He had at least a couple of hours before his roommates awoke, and he would be long gone before then. The door to the second fridge slid open, and Shinji could see Pen-Pen waddle out of the green door, making his way to the beer. Sometimes, the similarities between owner and pet were too eerie for words.
"Morning, Pen-Pen," Shinji greeted the penguin halfheartedly, an almost invisible smile on his face as the bird squawked a reply. "Did you have a good night's rest?" Shinji asked. Pen-Pen replied with a nod and the sharp snap of a beer can being opened.
"I'm glad someone did," Shinji said, laying his head in his arms.
Pen-Pen turned his gaze upon the boy, cocking his head bewilderedly. He tapped his beak against Shinji's knee affectionately and then scampered up the chair opposite from the young man.
Shinji raised his head to look at the penguin. "You know, I realized something last night," he said. "The only person who ever really cared for me… is dead."
The penguin made a befuddled noise, and Shinji kept talking. "My mother… she cared, but no one else seems to. I've made friends since I've been here, but I haven't found anyone who really loves me at all. And then, when I finally find someone who I think I can love and who might learn to love me…" He didn't finish his sentence as his body was wracked by anguished sobs, tears falling from his eyes and dripping gently onto the table. Pen-Pen, sympathetic in his innocence to heartache, patted Shinji's arm gently. The pot on the stove boiled, and the toaster ejected the slices of toast, but Shinji barely noticed.
"Why?" he cried. "Why can't anyone do anything but hurt me?"
( 0 0 0 )
Kaworu's eyes found two highly unusual things when he awoke: an absence of light and the roof of a car. Wondering for a moment why he was seeing these things, Kaworu took a moment to survey his surroundings. As he did, he found nothing terribly out of the ordinary except for Maya's sleeping form, latched onto his right arm. It was then that Kaworu fully remembered the events of that night; he remembered everything that Maya had confided to him about her past and the discussions that had followed… and the gentle kiss that she has placed on his cheek. At some point, he reasoned, they must have fallen asleep in the backseat of her car after they had continued talking.
Kaworu looked at the watch that Maya was wearing. It read 4:17, which meant that Kaworu had several hours before school was supposed to start. It would not do to miss my first day, Kaworu thought to himself. But I also cannot simply leave her here, he thought, looking at Maya's sleeping face. She had a contented smile on her face, and a slight blush tinted her cheeks as she nestled her head in the crook of his arm.
The young man smiled and leaned his head against the door. School is not important, he decided. I do not need to go; I was only planning on attending school because it was the Chairman's wish. He thought it would help me blend in. He heard Maya mumble something and sensed that she would awaken soon. Kaworu used his free hand to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear, lingering around to stroke her cheek gently. She grumbled unhappily when he removed his hand, which made Kaworu smile. What is this feeling? I don't understand—this was not supposed to happen.
Kaworu thought for a moment about this strange feeling that was welling up inside of him. He had been feeling this way since the night before, and he understood it about as well now as he had then. Emotions were not part of the plan that he had been given; he would not need them to accomplish his purpose. No, he corrected himself, I will not need them to accomplish theirpurpose. My own purpose… I do not know my own purpose. My own path has been hidden from me. I've lived my life according to their scenario.
Kaworu, as he gazed upon Maya's peaceful expression, made a decision that he would not fully know the consequences of until much later. It changed fate and his own destiny.
To hell with their scenario.
Kaworu felt satisfied with his choice. I am the Angel of Free Will. If anyone has the right to a choice, it should be me. The thought of being in control of his own path excited him greatly and gave the young man a strong sense of hope. Kaworu looked at Maya again. There are still obstacles, but now they will be much smaller.
His introspection came to an abrupt halt as he felt Maya stir, and her chocolate-brown eyes creaked open drowsily. She yawned, and Kaworu repressed a laugh at the sight. The woman looked at him with an expression that told Kaworu she was having difficulty remembering things.
"K-Kaworu? " Maya said, her eyes beginning to widen. The gray-haired boy's face changed to one of shock. Surely she didn't suspect him of anything indecent!
"W-What am I doing here?" Kaworu could sense a note of panic in her voice that confirmed his suspicions.
Kaworu hushed her quietly. "Calm down. You are in your car, remember?" He refreshed her memory of everything that had occurred, effectively putting any doubts she might have had to rest.
"I'm so sorry," Maya apologized. "I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that." In her haste to reconcile with the young man, she had apparently failed to notice that she was still clinging to Kaworu's arm.
"Do not worry," he replied. "I understand that the circumstances appear… awkward," Kaworu said with a chuckle. "But I would never do anything to hurt you." He emphasized the word "never," making it blatantly apparent to Maya exactly where he stood on that subject.
Maya smiled. "I know," she said, resting her head on his chest.
Kaworu wondered for a moment why Maya was acting more comfortably around him, and it only took him a few moments of thought to understand. This is her true self. This must be what she is like without any kind of façade or anything. Kaworu's heart warmed at the fact that he was so privileged to see this side of Maya. This is who and what she is: an errant soul, looking for companionship.
Just like me…
"Kaworu?" he heard Maya say, her voice hushed and sounding slightly fearful.
"Yes?"
"Please… don't tell anyone about what I told you last night."
Taking a somewhat bold move, Kaworu wrapped his now freed right arm around Maya's shoulders, cradling her gently. "Of course, I will not tell a soul," he assured her. "But thank you for trusting me enough to tell me."
Maya, for her part, did not object to the Fifth Child's hug. In fact, she seemed to welcome the closeness. For what seemed like hours they laid there, content and protected in the others' presence. A thin line of orange appeared on the horizon, the rising sun peeking over infinity's expanse onto the world. Kaworu watched the sunrise for a few moments, basking in the radiance happily, his smile widening.
Breaking the silence, Maya chuckled. "I wonder what the others would say if they saw us together like this?"
Kaworu very briefly wondered whom "the others" applied to, but he dismissed it as unimportant. "I do not know. But does it really matter what anyone else thinks?" he asked, being sure to keep his tone comforting. "It is not as though we…" Kaworu blushed, unable to get the words out.
Maya giggled at Kaworu's modesty. "Yeah, I guess you're right." She looked up at him, staring into his red eyes as though she was searching for something. Finally, after a moment of this, she sighed and spoke. "Kaworu?"
"Yes, Maya?"
"Since we're… not caring what anyone else thinks…" She trailed off and instead of speaking, placed a hand on his cheek and touched her lips to his.
Maya had intended for the kiss to be a short one, but found that once she had started, her body simply would not respond to her commands. After a few moments, the kiss deepened, and Maya found herself enjoying it more than she had expected. Kaworu, on the other hand, was extremely nervous but tried his best to make the pleasure he felt reciprocal.
Maya ultimately forced herself away from Kaworu's lips, regretting that she had to stop. "I don't wanna go to work now," she whined comically.
Kaworu laughed. "Yes, I know the feeling." Despite the positive turn of the circumstances, however, Kaworu felt guilty about keeping his true nature from Maya. She has been open with me, he thought to himself. I have to tell her the truth; I owe her that much.
Kaworu resolved not to spoil the moment and to tell her when the time was right.
Leaning his head against the car door, Kaworu silently wished for the moment to last forever. In a way, it did.
He never forgot that first kiss.
( 0 0 0 )
The entire student body of class 2-A rose as one languid mass of humanity, bowing to the teacher and then returning to their seats, preparing for another of their teacher's tiresome lessons. Shinji's head fell as soon as the old man began speaking, knowing full well that the teacher would not pay him any heed. His laptop beeped, and he opened the chat window, shutting off the volume so as not to attract any unwanted attention. The message was from Kensuke.
Hey, the message read, are you feeling alright?
Shinji sighed, typing back, Yeah, I'm fine.
Because you don't look so good.
I just didn't sleep much, that's all. I'm fine.
Well, okay, if you're sure. With that, the spectacled boy closed the connection.
Shinji placed his head upon the desk and promptly fell asleep. In the back of the room, Asuka was not faring much better. Her eyelids drooped, but she bolted upright when she felt Hikari tap her on the shoulder. "Asuka, are you all right?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Asuka mumbled. "I just… didn't sleep much last night."
"How much sleep did you get?" Hikari whispered.
Asuka paused. "None."
Hikari's jaw dropped. Asuka waved her hand dismissively.
"I'll be fine." Asuka placed her head down and drifted off as quickly as Shinji had just a moment ago.
Hikari looked at Shinji from across the room. And then back to Asuka. I wonder what happened…
And in the corner, no one noticed Rei Ayanami staring at Shinji, her face concerned and her red eyes threatening to fill with tears.
( 0 0 0 )
Once the dismissal bell had rung, Hikari cornered Asuka in the hallway. "Okay, Asuka, spill it—what's wrong with you and Ikari?"
Asuka averted her eyes, refusing to look Hikari in the face. This worried the brown-haired girl to a degree; Asuka was never one to shy away from anything. Whatever the problem was, it must be a big one, and it would be hard to coerce it out of her.
"It's nothing, Hikari. I'm fine."
"Asuka, don't lie to me," Hikari replied sternly, going into Class-Rep Mode. "I just want to help, okay? I won't tell anyone else."
Asuka hesitated before replying. "All right, all right, I'll tell you, but not here. Let's go to the courtyard."
Hikari nodded and began following Asuka to the outer courtyard near the school, wondering what she was about to find out. It had been easier than she had thought to convince Asuka to tell her what was wrong, and that unnerved Hikari even more than she already was. The fact that her best friend, the stronger of the two, was having a problem that could affect her like this made the class-rep nervous.
They took a seat, leaning against the big sakura tree in the courtyard. Hikari looked out into the distance for a moment before speaking. "What's bothering you, Asuka?"
"Last night… something bad happened."
Hikari looked at the redhead, who was still not looking her in the face. Instead, the German girl was looking outward onto the cityscape, watching the flood of students pouring out of the front doors. "Something bad? What do you mean?"
Asuka paused again. "It's all that idiot Shinji's fault. All of this."
Hikari's eyes widened. "Ikari? What did he do?"
"He told me… that he… that he…. loved me."
Hikari tried to find a way to reply, but words just wouldn't come for the moment. Finally, she managed to speak. "But… why is that bad? Ikari's a nice guy."
"I don't care. He doesn't understand."
"Understand what?"
"Anything about me! He doesn't know me well enough to say that and mean it." Asuka sighed. "And I don't want him to know me well enough."
Hikari looked at the ground for a second. "Why not?"
"There are too many things about me that I don't want to share… with anyone, and especially not him. How do I know I can allow him that close? It will all end with me getting hurt, I know it."
"How can you know if you don't try?"
"Because that's the way it always works. Closeness causes pain, inevitably."
Hikari looked at her friend again, concern filling her features. "Asuka…"
"Hikari, drop it. I don't want to talk about it anymore."
She nodded and looked away from Asuka. "I still think you should give him a chance. But I can't make you."
The discussion ended there as Hikari gathered her things and left. Asuka did not leave for several minutes, trying to sort out her friend's words, desperately looking for the solution to her dilemma.
It never came.
( 0 0 0 )
Shinji felt a tap on his shoulder as he walked down the sidewalk away from the school. He turned his head and looked into a pair of red eyes. Expecting Kaworu, he was surprised to find that they belonged to Rei Ayanami. "Oh, hello, Ayanami," he said dully, and Rei could sense that something was wrong with the Third Child.
"Hello, Ikari," she said in her usual tone. For some inexplicable reason, her voice seemed to soothe Shinji a bit, and he felt a bit better just from having her around. "Is something the matter?"
Shinji avertedhis gaze, avoiding the piercing eyes of the First Child. "Why do you ask?"
"You simply appeared to be having problems, as did Sohryu. I simply wondered if something was the matter."
Shinji sighed. For a moment, he wondered why Rei was confronting him like this. I guess she just doesn't know anything about being discreet, he decided. Not that it mattered much. "I'm just… having some problems with Asuka, that's all."
"Is it something you could share?"
Shinji thought about this for a moment. "I could, I guess, but I don't want to get you involved in this, Ayanami."
Rei nodded. "I see. I merely wondered if sharing your problems would help any."
Shinji had never spoken to Rei at length about anything before, so naturally he was a mite hesitant to share his heart's inner workings with her. However, Shinji could sense that Rei was right. I need to get this off of my chest somehow if I'm gonna get over it. Might as well give it a shot.
He told her everything he could stand to about what had happened the night before and his feelings for Asuka. Somehow, Shinji found it incredibly easy to talk to Rei, mostly because she did very little talking herself, making her a great listener. She watched him carefully as he talked, which did not escape the Third Child's attention. Why is she so concerned about this? She's never really shown any interest before…
"I see," he heard Rei say, her voice ringing like bells again. "What do you intend to do?"
"I'm not exactly sure, Ayanami. I think with the damage I've done and what happened to her a few days ago… I don't think there's a chance of making things better."
Rei nodded. "Understood."
Shinji faced her and smiled. "Thank you, Ayanami."
The red-eyed girl looked at him somewhat quizzically. "For what?"
"Listening. I needed to tell someone other than Pen-Pen, or I might have gone insane. Knowing I can talk to you means a lot to me."
To Shinji's surprise, Rei smiled. The same smile he had seen when he had forced open the Entry Plug hatch after the Fifth Angel's attack. Though it barely registered to Shinji at that moment, this smile was one of the few that Rei had ever given to anyone.
Rei looked into his face. "Is there anything else that I can do?"
Shinji thought for a moment. "Well… no, never mind, I would hate to impose on you like that…"
"What is it?"
"It's just that… Asuka is going to be at my apartment when I get there, and I don't want to face her. Then Misato is going to come home and ask all sorts of questions. I'd rather not go back for now, and I don't really want to be alone."
Rei nodded. "Would you like for me to accompany you someplace, then?"
Shinji smiled genuinely for what felt like the first time in years. "Yes, Rei. I'd like that."
( 0 0 0 )
A silence had fallen over Kaworu and Maya as the car coasted down the street toward the NERV complex, and the lack of speech was beginning to make Maya uncomfortable. Taking a moment to glance to her left, she noticed Kaworu's head propped up on his palm, his eyes closed and a half-smile crossing his ethereal features. She could not be sure if he was asleep or not, but his even breaths told her that the Fifth Child was indeed in a state of slumber. I wonder how much sleep he actually got last night. He was awake before I was, but for how long?
The bridge tech pulled the car to a stop outside the gated entrance and shut the ignition off, shaking the young man gently. "Kaworu, we're here."
He mumbled something that Maya could not quite understand, and his eyes flickered open. "Huh?"
Maya giggled for a moment at seeing the normally cool and collected boy do something so comical. It was not often that he did such things, as far as she had seen. "We're here," she said, repressing her short fit of laughter.
"Oh," Kaworu responded, rubbing his eyes. "Curses. I wish we could spend more time together."
"Who says we can't?" Maya responded in a singsong tone.
Kaworu cocked his head. "What do you mean?"
Maya leaned in to him, her voice level and serious, but Kaworu could sense that she was not nervous anymore. He was greatly relieved by this. "You taught me something valuable today, Kaworu. You showed me that good things can be hidden anywhere, and you won't find them unless you step out of your comfort zone and take a chance." Maya put her hand on his cheek, and the young man briefly considered looking to make sure they weren't being watched, but then he remembered his own advice. It does not matter what anyone else thinks.
"Just because the night is over doesn't mean that we won't have another chance," Maya said.
Kaworu nodded and smiled. "You're right. When can I see you again?"
Maya smiled. "Soon, I hope. We'll work it out later."
Kaworu popped the door open, but before he could go, Maya kissed him again. Not much more than a short peck, but it was more than Kaworu would have dreamed of asking for.
"Just in case I don't get to do that for a while," Maya explained, a blush tinting her cheeks. They said their goodbyes, and Kaworu walked to the entrance that would be the shortest route to his bunk while Maya drove into the parking lot of another area of the complex.
Kaworu thought over the events of the evening as he slid his ID card through the reader, the massive metal doors opening almost soundlessly. He remembered the kiss that they had shared earlier and again just now, and the memory stirred an odd reaction in the Fifth Child. While he felt happy, he could feel a single tear fall down his cheek. He knew the explanation immediately. It is guilt, Kaworu thought as he walked the length of the hallway in a dazed state of half-awareness, too immersed in his thoughts to care where he was going. I have not been honest with her, and now… this is a horrible feeling. I have to tell her the truth.
But how much damage would it do?
Kaworu knew that he had no choice but to find out.
( 0 0 0 )
The door of apartment 402 creaked open, the old hinges of the door making a hideous noise that made Shinji wince. He did not remember the place being this decrepit when he had been here last, and the lack of maintenance was starting to unnerve the boy greatly. Shinji removed his shoes at the door, as did Rei, and the two of them entered the apartment. Shinji was appalled, though not surprised, that the remainder of the apartment was suffering the same lack of attention as the door and outer building. The ceiling tiles were beginning to change colors, which he could be sure was not a good sign of any sort, and other various small things made Shinji wonder about the safety of the First Child's home.
Before he could meditate further on the security of the dwelling, however, he heard Rei's voice. "Do you know how to make tea, Ikari?"
"Yes. Why, do you have any?"
"I do, but I do not know how to make it. How many leaves should I use?"
Shinji went into the kitchen to help her and noticed that she had scooped a massive amount of leaves onto the spoon, making a stack that would certainly make tea, though it would likely be hazardous to drink. "Is this too much?"
Shinji laughed. "Yeah, I think so, Ayanami. Here, let me get that. He took the spoon from her and dumped its contents into the container. The girl moved to the other side of the kitchen and began boiling a pot of water. Shinji fumbled over his words, trying to think of a suitable icebreaker, but Rei beat him to the punch.
"Why do you not wish to return home, Ikari?"
Shinji hesitated before replying. "I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have come here."
"That is not why I asked. I do not mind having you here; you are more than welcome to stay as long as you like."
Shinji nodded and whispered meekly. "Thank you, Ayanami."
"I asked simply out of concern."
"You're concerned? For me?"
Rei nodded. "Yes. Why, should I not be?"
"I'm not saying that," Shinji responded quickly, "it's just that… well…"
"You did not believe that I would be the one to show concern for you, am I right?"
Shinji nodded in response.
"I understand."
There was a silence for a while, until the pair heard the kettle on the stove reach boiling point. Rei reached around but missed the handle, brushing her hand against the heated metal. She gasped, and Shinji panicked. "What happened?"
"I burned myself. It is not serious."
"Let me see," Shinji urged her, and she showed him her hand. The skin on the back of her hand and the top part of her wrist was an inflamed red. It was partially accentuated by the pale tone of Rei's skin, but Shinji was too alarmed to think about this fact. "Here, put it under some water!" Shinji pulled Rei's hand under the sink and turned on the cold water, allowing the liquid to wash over the red portion. They stayed like this for several moments, before Shinji realized exactly how close he was to Rei. Inclining his head, he stared awkwardly into her red eyes as she smiled at him.
"Thank you," she said, her soft voice ringing like silver bells in Shinji's ears.
A blush tinted Shinji's cheeks almost the same color as the burn on Rei's hand. He could feel the cold water contrasting with the warmth from Rei's hand; for being as pale as she was, her touch was pleasantly warm. Shinji let go of her hand, most regrettably to both of them, and took a step backwards. "I'll just… make the tea" He finished making the drink, and the two of them waited on the cups to cool.
Before the tea was drinkable, the Angel alert klaxons sounded, and the two of them rushed out of the apartment, the cups lying entirely forgotten on the table.
( 0 0 0 )
Kaworu sat in the Entry Plug, an odd expression on his face. He had luckily been inside NERV already when the klaxons had alerted them to the presence of the Sixteenth Messenger, and he had rushed to the cages as quickly as he could. Kaworu was inside of Unit 02 upon the Commander's orders. He remembered Gendo's cold words very clearly.
"It is better to have a pilot who could possibly do some good than a decoy who cannot even move."
Despite Kaworu's rocky past with the Second Child, he felt a measure of pity when he had heard Gendo say this. No one deserves to be treated that way, he thought.
So here he found himself, about to sortie against one of his own. But are they really my own now? I do not know whom to call my own anymore, Kaworu mused silently. The catapults launching Unit 00 had reached the surface by now, and he could tell from the radio transmissions that Rei was in position, awaiting orders. He then heard Misato's voice.
"Rei, we're going to wait and watch for a while."
Rei's cool voice responded with what Kaworu could take as a note of slight panic.
"No, it's coming."
Mayhem ensued that Kaworu could not see, but he could hear it. It's beginning, he thought. The final run began with Arael. The destruction of the Second, now the First… and the Third must come final. At my hand, no less. He regretted this turn of events. What am I going to do?
Rifle shots rang out, coupled by the frustrated cries of the technicians as they struggled for a solution. It will do no good, Kaworu thought to himself. This is inevitable.
Or is it? That small part of his mind nagged at him again. These arguments were becoming more and more frequent. Whose side was he on now?
Finally, he heard the words he had been awaiting and dreading. "Launch Unit 02! Send him out to rescue and support Rei!"
The catapult engines fired, and Unit 02 was sent hurtling toward the surface, the g-forces pressing on every inch of Kaworu's body. I dislike this sensation, he thought ruefully, fighting the urge to be sick. After no more than a few seconds the lift came to a stop, and the shutters opened, allowing Kaworu a view of the situation. Unit 00 was curled up into a fetal ball, while the Angel's tail was penetrating the Eva's stomach.
"Kaworu, close your distance by 300, deploy your AT Field at maximum, and fire the Pallet Rifle into the target's exposed areas!"
"Yes, ma'am," Kaworu replied, focusing his mind and synching with Unit 02.
He heard one of the technicians shout, "The Fifth Child's synchronization rate is at 97!"
"That's impossible!" Misato screamed.
"Don't complain," Ritsuko said, we need all the help we can get at this point.
Kaworu reached for the Rifle and grabbed it, leaping out of the tower over several buildings and astonishing the bridge crew. He squeezed the trigger on the Rifle, tumbling end over end through the air and landing a short distance from the Angel.
"I'm sorry," he said. "This is the way it must be, Armisael." Kaworu pulled the trigger back and unloaded the clip into the Angel's slender body. He heard Rei scream over the channel. He knew how this worked: the Angel's body was fusing itself to the Evangelion and the pilot both. What he did to Armisael, he did to Rei as well. Shortly after this, as he had predicted, he received a ceasefire order. He backed off, maximizing his AT Field and attempting to separate the two by this method. It failed.
Try as they might, Kaworu knew that the First was doomed.
The channel crackled to life again. He heard the slightly distorted voice over the other end speak words that bored into his heart, despite the circumstances.
"Is this a tear? Am I the one who's crying?"
Unit 00's body then erupted from the back, a massive form sprouting out of the blue Eva's back. Within the crumpled mass of flesh, Kaworu could see recognizable portions, pieces of the Angels that had come before him. Sachiel… Leliel… Arael…Zeruel… my brothers in arms… The perverseness of the thing revolted Kaworu. How could this be?
"The freeze on Unit 01 is hereby lifted. Send him out at once," Kaworu heard Gendo say. He knew that under no other circumstances would he have done this; when his precious Rei was in danger, Gendo would spare nothing.
The purple form of Unit 01 became visible. Kaworu knew that the end of the battle was drawing nearer; he paid no attention to the communicator, his full attention on the actions of the Third Child. The air around Unit 01 shimmered and vibrated as the AT Field came up, grabbing the attention of Armisael, which erupted toward Shinji. He dodged, barely, and his Pallet Rifle exploded into fragments of metal. He grabbed the end of the Angel, and Kaworu could see the vein like lesions appearing on the Eva's arms and spreading up its body. Unit 01 deployed its Progressive Knife and jammed it into the Angel's side, a fountain of red erupting from the wound. Rei screamed, and Shinji let off.
Then something happened that surprised even Kaworu. The end of the Angel's body began shape-shifting, changing like clay until they formed the features and torso of Rei Ayanami. When the being touched Unit 01's face, more of the raised veins appeared. Without warning, the creature was whipped away from Unit 01, and Kaworu could see that it was being held in a bulb of flesh in Unit 00's chest. He knew what would happen now.
"Ikari," came Rei's voice over the link, "I'm sorry we didn't get to finish our afternoon together."
"Ayanami! What are you doing?" came Shinji's frantic reply.
"I am merely doing what I must."
"NO! There has to be another way!"
"There isn't," said Rei calmly. "If I leave, the AT Field will disappear. This is the only way."
Kaworu closed his eyes. Much to his surprise, he felt a droplet of water slide down his cheek.
Now it is I who is crying, he thought fleetingly.
The still form of Unit 00 rose up, seemingly against its will, reaching toward the sky. All involved were being called home.
"Ikari… I… love you…"
"NO!"
All that came next was a white light that burned the senses, and Kaworu blacked out.
( 0 0 0 )
When Kaworu awoke, another harsh light met his eyes – the light of the NERV medical ward. The blue overtone of the room reflected off of everything and made the room appear even blander than it already was. He sat up and surveyed the room more thoroughly and at once noticed his visitor – Maya was asleep in a chair next to his bed. How long as she been there, I wonder? Kaworu smiled; seeing her was a pleasant change from the earlier events. The pounding headache forced the young man to lie back down and once again stare back up at the boring ceiling. Kaworu glanced over in Maya's direction. I should let her sleep. She's had a long day as well. His eyes drifted shut for a brief few seconds before he heard the door open and then shut almost noiselessly once more.
Kaworu opened his eyes and glanced to the doorway, finding himself looking at Gendo Ikari. "Hello, Commander," he said as pleasantly as he could.
"You have not been truthful with me… Tabris."
Kaworu flinched at the mention of his real name, rising to a sitting position in the bed and staring at the man with cold, hardened eyes. He could tell that Gendo wasn't bluffing. "How did you find out?"
"It wasn't entirely difficult, once you began changing your synch ratio." Kaworu would have to take his word for it—his memory of the events was a bit fuzzy. "It seems that your superiors are getting foolish, sending you into the lion's den as they have." Gendo's expression was as cold as Kaworu's; the two seemed locked together by the eyes.
"Foolish? You know what the Scrolls say better than most, Commander," Kaworu said evenly, his voice carrying a somewhat dangerous edge – a risky gamble when in a conversation with the stone-faced NERV Commander. "I would think that you of all people would know how this will all turn out. Am I wrong? Does your reach not extend as far as you would have most people think?"
Gendo glared at him again. "It is unwise to make such statements, Fifth Child. One might take them as a threat."
"A threat? I have little use for them," said Kaworu playfully, dodging another bullet and annoying the Commander even further.
The bearded man looked at the sleeping woman in the corner. "Will you tell her? Or will you lie to her to keep her in the dark?"
Gendo smiled when Kaworu winced.
"That is my concern, not yours, Commander," Kaworu said boldly, his hands clenching into fists despite his best efforts to remain calm.
"I see," Gendo responded in a mocking tone of voice. "Consider it, Fifth Child. The time is drawing near, as we both know. I have made my move—now it is time for you to make yours." With that, the man left the room casually.
Kaworu took a deep breath as Gendo left, trying to clear his mind and calm himself. What am I going to do? The most powerful person in NERV is challenging me, and he knows my true nature. This is bad… the Council never said anything about this. Kaworu looked to Maya, who had slept through the whole encounter. When she wakes up… I'll tell her everything. I can't keep lying to her like this; it's not right.
Kaworu fell back onto the pillows and waited for the inevitable.
( 0 0 0 )
Shinji tore down the hallway, nearly barreling into a nurse as he ran toward the Cranial Nerve unit of the NERV hospital. He didn't care about the looks he was receiving or anyone that he ran into. All that mattered was getting to where he was going. Shinji could still remember Misato's frantic words from not too long ago.
"Rei… She's alive!"
It seemed like ages ago that Unit 00 had been destroyed and Shinji had thought Rei to be dead. It must be some kind of miracle, he thought to himself as he dodged another nurse with a trolley. She said she loved me… What do I do when I see her? What am I supposed to do? Something told him to accept it and return the feeling. His relationship with Asuka, as much as he had wanted it to work, was something that Shinji had since deemed impossible. In Shinji's mind, pursuing Asuka was a fruitless endeavor. Rei, on the other hand, was a completely different matter.
Shinji rounded the corner and almost cried when he saw a familiar blue-haired girl standing at the window, staring out onto the grounds of the hospital. "Ayanami!" he shouted, the happiness at seeing her again beginning to overwhelm him. She turned, one of her cherry eyes obscured by a patch and bandage. She spoke three words.
"Who are you?"
The smile on Shinji's face turned sickly. At that moment, he felt his heart snap.
"You… don't remember me?"
She shook her head. The emotionless expression on her face told Shinji that she clearly was not the person he remembered. "No. Should I?"
He ran.
( 0 0 0 )
Ritsuko sipped from the coffee mug on her desk, even though the coffee had gone cold at least an hour ago. It was another long day; damage reports, forging information about the Angel's attack, repairs to be done on the Evas, and other such tedious business. Ritsuko was glad that there was only one more Angel left until the whole thing was over. Goddamn, I hate paperwork, she thought angrily as she filled out one of the reports, putting it into the rapidly growing pile of completed documents.
The door to her office was thrown open. She whirled around in her chair to face the person who had entered and saw Shinji standing there, gasping for breath.
"Shinji?" Ritsuko said bewilderedly.
"Where… is Ayanami?"
She sighed. She should have known he would notice the changes. "She's at the hospital, Shinji. You know the standard procedure."
"No. That…. thing at the hospital is not Ayanami."
Ritsuko looked into his eyes. Something about them was different, although the doctor couldn't exactly put her finger on what. She ignored it and went with the lie she had been given. "I don't know what you mean." She kept her voice level, betraying no hint that she was lying.
Shinji snapped. "You know damned well what I mean! Rei Ayanami is dead, and she's been replaced by some… some doll!" He was furious, and he was showing every bit of that anger to the blonde woman in one shot. "I want the truth! Now!"
Ritsuko was astonished by the display of intense emotion she was receiving from Shinji. His face was turning red, and his knuckles were white from his fists being clenched so tightly. The young man's eyes burned into hers, never breaking contact with her.
"Shinji, I can't tell you anything."
"Why not!"
Ritsuko sighed. "The information is highly classified. I can't give it to you."
A moment of silence passed, and Shinji exploded. "Damn it! This whole thing is nothing but smoke and mirrors – nothing but lies! Why can't anyone here tell me the truth!" His eyes burned like hot coals as he continued to glare at Ritsuko. "I want an answer, and I want it now! I think I'm entitled to that much!"
Again, the woman considered the situation. From Rei's last words before Unit 00 self-destructed, she could feel some sympathy for the Third Child's frustration. How would she feel in his shoes? She would demand an answer, and she knew that well. It was risky, but Ritsuko knew that showing him the truth was necessary. She had been planning on going down there anyway; taking Shinji was a simple matter. The woman also expected another visitor, judging by the way that Misato was acting lately.
"Fine. Come with me." She led him from the room, already regretting her decision. I hate to do this to him, but he needs to know.
She swiped her security card at the elevator, and the two of them entered it, descending into NERV's belly.
( 0 0 0 )
Kaworu stared out of the window, a sullen expression tainting his features. He hated this feeling that had welled up inside of him since Gendo's visit: guilt. He had planned on telling Maya his origins, that much was true, but the fact that it had been brought so blatantly to his attention was causing the shame to well up in his bloodstream. Darkness was settling, as he had watched it do for several hours. Maya was still asleep in the chair, and he dreaded the moment when she would wake up; that was an inevitable moment that the Fifth Child wished he could avoid but knew it was beyond his power. I started this, Kaworu thought with some semblance of assurance, and I'm going to finish it… come what may.
The tightening in his chest intensified when he heard a yawn from behind him. Kaworu could not bring himself to turn around at the moment; seeing her face would only make matters that much harder. He heard her stirring, and eventually he could deduce that she had stood from the chair.
"Kaworu? You're awake!"
He nodded, his voice barely above a whisper as he replied, "Yes, Maya. I'm awake."
"Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Her voice carried a tone of worry that made Kaworu's heart ache even more. I don't deserve this kind of caring…
"… No, I'm not okay, Maya."
The weight of the bed shifted, and Kaworu could tell that she was seated next to him and very close. "What's wrong?"
No longer able to bear the pain, he turned to face her. Maya was stunning, even when she was distressed. Her hair was ruffled from sleeping in the chair, and her eyes shone with an emotion of concern that pained the young man deeply. "Take me to the bridge, Maya… I have something I need to show you."
"The bridge?" she asked him, confused by the unusual request. "Why do you…"
"Maya, please," Kaworu interrupted, his voice firm. "I have to do this… before it's too late for me to show you the truth."
"The truth?"
Kaworu fixed his gaze on hers, standing from the bed shakily. "Take me to the bridge."
Not seeing any reason not to, Maya nodded and handed him his clothes. "I'll wait outside so you can get dressed."
He took the clothing from her. "Thank you," he said, walking into the small bathroom. Maya exited, leaning against the doorframe, wondering what was about to happen and why the Fifth Child would be so serious.
Her answer would come soon.
( 0 0 0 )
The door to the bridge slid open, and Maya and Kaworu walked through it, stepping into the almost sheer blackness of the control room. Kaworu could see the three massive box-shaped forms of the MAGI units, silhouetted by the minimal light and looming ominously over the form of the gray-haired young man. Rare was the occasion that the Seventeenth Angel felt fear – now was one of those times. Maya walked to her terminal, assuming that Kaworu would need her to use it.
"Maya, I know this will seem odd," he said, the quiet and almost fearful tone still lingering in his voice, "but I need you to deactivate the sensors that detect AT Fields."
She faced him, her eyes wide. "Why do you need me to do that? It's dangerous; what if an Angel attacks?"
He shook his head, refusing to meet her eyes. "It won't."
There was a silence as Maya considered the request. "I don't know… This doesn't seem right."
"I know," Kaworu replied, nodding solemnly. "But I need you to do this. Please, Maya. For me."
He raised his face to meet hers, his red eyes glittering with something that Maya was sure were tears. Why is he so worked up about this? If anyone found out that she had shut down the security systems, she'd be in big trouble with the higher-ups. But the pleading red eyes in front of her were compelling her to do what the young man asked, despite the consequences. She nodded.
"Okay," Maya said. "Give me a moment."
"Thank you," Kaworu whispered.
Maya typed furiously, and after a few moments, she looked at Kaworu. "Okay, we have a window of a few minutes during which the system will be inactive. Now, tell me what's going on."
Kaworu took a deep breath, trying to release the tension in his muscles. Resigning himself to the fact that he was scared to death, the young man released his breath in a deep sigh. "Maya… I've lied to you."
"What do you mean?"
"There's something I should have told you before, but I was afraid of how you'd react. That's no excuse – this is something you have a right to know." His red eyes drifted shut for a moment.
An orange hexagonal pattern materialized around him, causing the air to shimmer like the heat waves coming off of a hot sidewalk. Maya recognized what it was immediately.
An AT Field.
That meant… No, it couldn't be…
"You're… you're…" she stuttered, finding that she could not bring herself to speak.
"I am. I'm the Seventeenth Angel."
The AT Field faded, and a pregnant silence hung in the air for what seemed like an eternity as Maya simply gawked at Kaworu and Kaworu stared at the floor near Maya's feet. As he did this, a small droplet of water fell from his eyes.
A tear? I didn't know that I could…
"Why?" Maya said, her voice now a whisper. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I was scared. I didn't want you to hate me."
"I can't believe that you would keep this from me!" the woman shouted at him, her eyes beginning to fill with tears as well. "You're one of them, and you make me believe you're just another guy! No… you were more than that. I trusted you; I thought you were different! But you lied to me… just like everyone else!" Her voice was full of fury now, and Kaworu stood there and took it. It was all that he could do to keep from breaking down, but he refused to do anything more than shed silent tears.
"Maya… I…"
Maya slapped him, cutting him off in mid sentence. The force of the blow caused him to recoil, turning to the side and collapsing into a heap on the ground.
"I can't believe you, Nagisa." He flinched as she used his surname. "And to think that I…" She stopped herself and strode from the room without another word.
As Kaworu lay there on the floor, the tears flowing from his eyes, he wondered what she had been about to say. She liked me, he thought to himself. He could feel the emotions streaming out of her heart – the pain, the disbelief… and what he had thought might have been affection. Could it be that maybe, just maybe, she had some kind of feeling for him?
Not anymore, Kaworu thought as he continued to lie on the floor, lacking the strength to stand. Maybe never again…
( 0 0 0 )
Shinji could feel the threads of his sanity beginning to snap, one by one.
The many pairs of red eyes stared at him from behind the wall of glass, the eerie smiles on their faces burning themselves into Shinji's memory. He had seen the Eva graveyard and the room where Rei Ayanami was born and had learned the secrets of Unit 01. But nothing could have prepared him for this. This was just… sickening.
By the time that Ritsuko destroyed the Rei clones, Shinji was too far gone to care.
The young man felt his knees buckle, and he fell to the floor in a heap, clutching his head and trying to drown out the demonic-sounding laughter of the clones in the tanks as they met a death they neither understood nor deserved. Shinji could feel the beginnings of insanity beginning to worm their way into his mind, infiltrating the deep recesses of his subconscious and tearing his brain apart from the inside out. In the midst of this, he felt something break.
It was his heart, snapping under the strain of loss.
"Shinji," he could vaguely hear Ritsuko's voice say, "I know that this hurts, but…"
"Shut up."
The blonde woman faced him, but said nothing. Shinji stood from the floor and faced the doorway. "Where are you going?" Ritsuko asked him.
He peered over his shoulder, and the expression that met her gaze struck an indescribable fear into Ritsuko's heart.
From the cobalt eyes of Shinji Ikari came an expression devoid of all emotion. She was looking at Rei Ayanami through his eyes. It's like he just cut his heart out, Ritsuko thought, the very notion of such a thing sending a chill down her spine.
"I'm going out. I don't know where." Without another word, Shinji exited the room, leaving Ritsuko alone with the black walls and green light of the Dummy Plug room.
Unable to stand the place any longer, she too left, knowing what would be waiting for her in her office when she returned.
( 0 0 0 )
Perched atop one of the MAGI terminals, Kaworu stared at the ground beneath him as he had for the past several minutes. I hate this feeling, the young man thought resentfully, cursing fate for presenting him with such a choice. But at least now she knows the truth. She deserves that much, after what I did.
His red eyes were now swollen with tears, but Kaworu no longer cared. I wonder… I thought that I was incapable of crying. What does this mean? Somehow, he already knew the answer. It is the human part of me. It does exist; I had thought it only an illusion until now. But I see… I really do have a human side of me.
Kaworu stood on top of the computer and looked at his hands. I know what I have to do. For my own sake… and hers. He could no longer deny it.
Against all odds, he had fallen in love with Maya Ibuki.
The Seventeenth Angel outstretched his hand… and delved it into his midsection.
The unnatural strength behind the blow caused Kaworu to fall backward onto the red roof of the terminal, the pain blurring his senses. But despite the ache, he persisted. Fishing around until he discovered a smooth orb, Kaworu gripped and pulled on it, ripping the sphere from his belly.
He stared up at his S2 organ, his right arm limp and his vision beginning to fade.
"Maya… forgive me…" Kaworu's body became limp, and his arm collapsed, the bloody ball rolling across the smooth metal and falling to the floor, miraculously surviving the drop and disappearing into the shadows.
Kaworu could feel life fading from him fast. It doesn't matter, he thought as he felt consciousness beginning to fade. My cure lies higher than hope now.
It always did.
His eyes closed, and consciousness finally passed out of Kaworu Nagisa, leaving him in a crumpled heap atop the form of Casper. Blood continued to flow from his wound, pouring over the side of the computer and onto the floor.
The Seventeenth Angel had truly fallen from Heaven, his wings crumpled and his halo shattered.
Author's Notes: (dodges the volley of vegetables from the audience) What! Did you honestly think I was gonna let him get off that easy? No way! Where's the fun in romance without the turbulence? Besides, the fun's not over yet.
Thanks to all the people who reviewed the last two chapters, I hope this one didn't disappoint you. I ask for your patience with the next installment—it might take me a while to get out.
Prereading credits go to Scout and That Other Guy, as always. Thanks you two.