Disclaimer: You all know the drill.
Chapter 5
Harry shifted his weight from his left foot to his right. His new shoes were un-comfortable. They pinched. As did the collar to his new robes, and the collar to the shirt he wore underneath. Despite his profound discomfort, he was in no mood to complain.
After having endured nearly four hours of being poked and prodded into outfit after outfit by dowdy old hags, he would have agreed to anything if it would get him out of the fitting room of Madam Malkin's. Snape hadn't been kidding about Harry getting a new wardrobe. The mounds of trousers, shirts, ties, shoes and under things had been massive enough, but the sheer number of robes that were purchased at the end of the day was astounding.
Harry had never worn any aside from his Hogwarts robes and what he'd worn to the Yule Ball, and it was completely beyond him to think of what on earth he was going to do with any of these new ones. Not wanting to receive another scornful look from his father, Harry hadn't asked. Not that he really cared by that point anyways. Clothes were clothes, after all.
Wiggling his toes once more in a last-ditch attempt at comfort, Harry stood beside his father on the doorstep to a massive stone structure-his Uncle Atticus' home. Snape Sr. cast one last warning glare at his son and pulled the bell.
Almost immediately the words, "I'll get it!!" were screeched from the interior, followed by the thumps of running feet.
The door was flung open by a small girl, about eight or nine, with her jet-black curls caught up in pig-tails. A grin stretched all the way across her flushed face.
"Hi Uncle Severus," she said, bouncing slightly and swinging on the door handle.
"Hello, Philom..." started Snape, but was cut off before he could finish.
"Is that him?" she demanded, staring rapturously at Harry, who was strangely intimidated by this tiny pig-tailed ball of energy.
Before she could be answered, footsteps sounded swiftly behind her, and three adults came into view.
"Philomena, manners," a tall, dark-haired woman chastised gently, drawing the girl away from the door, "this isn't your house, it's impolite to answer the door. And I'm sure we can wait a few moments for your uncle and cousin to get inside before you start your interrogation, hmmm?" she finished with a smile, which she turned to the two still on the doorstep.
"Yes," said a man at her side, "please come in, Severus, Harry...welcome."
Snape stepped inside, drawing Harry with him.
"Thank you, Atticus," he said, shaking the man's hand. "And it's wonderful to see you, Adara, as always." He leaned forward and kissed both of her cheeks.
He then looked behind them to another woman, who was peering over her husband's shoulder.
"Calliste..." he said through a strained smile, "how are you?"
Calliste managed somehow to look as if she'd just noticed him,
"Oh, hello, Severus," she breathed, a wide smile on her heavily painted face, "so nice of you to come. You really do need to get out of that ghastly castle more often...you look like death. Honestly, would a little sunshine really be so bad once and a while?" She finished, smiling pleasantly.
"It's wonderful to see you too," Snape answered through his teeth, then turned to Adara.
"And where is Oddyseus tonight? Not still at the Ministry, I hope?"
Adara smiled and rolled her eyes,
"No, not likely. Nothing short of another goblin revolution would keep him in the office past hours. He's just having a little talk with Myles...he'll be down in a minute."
Unlike Calliste's, this woman's smile was warm and genuine, and Harry couldn't help but smile back when she directed it at him.
"And who is this young man," she joked, giving her brother a little nudge.
"Ah...yes," said Severus, "this is my son Heroditus. Heroditus, these are your aunts Adara and Calliste, and your Uncle Atticus...and your cousin Philomena," he added after the girl in question had not-so-subtly cleared her throat.
"It's wonderful to welcome you to our family, Heroditus," gushed Calliste, as she seized Harry in a dramatic, floral scented embrace and planted several sticky kisses on his cheeks. "I just know we're going to be wonderful friends. Now," she continued, holding Harry firmly by the shoulders and looking him in the eye,
"I know that you must feel bound to be loyal to your father, but if ever you need help with anything, don't be afraid to ask...he really can be quite silly sometimes, and he doesn't know what he's talking about half the time. And whatever you do, don't let him dress you all in black. I'm always telling him he needs a little colour in his wardrobe, but he is set in his ways..."
Harry risked a bewildered glance at his father, who was positively seething. Atticus saw the glance, and the look on his elder brother's face, and moved quickly forward. Gently nudging his wife aside, he shook Harry's hand.
"Welcome, Heroditus. It's a pleasure to finally meet you." He seemed very stern; businesslike, perhaps. Harry wondered if there was an equivalent in the wizarding world to a Muggle stock-broker.
Adara cast an annoyed look at her brother as she turned to her new-found nephew, but smiled as warmly as ever when she looked at Harry.
"Hello, Harry," she stressed his name, making him smile back, "I'm also very pleased to meet you, and I can't wait until we have a chance to get to know one another better, just you and I."
She smiled conspiratorially and leaned in to whisper in his ear as she hugged him,
"I must warn you, I'm nothing at all like my brothers...sorry if that disappoints you."
"Not at all," Harry grinned back, returning the hug full strength
The second her mother let go of Harry, Philomena had pounced, and had unleashed a torrent of questions that Harry had no time to answer before another one was asked. Thankfully, as he was struggling to come up with answers to seven questions at once, the final Uncle appeared and rescued him.
He came from behind Philomena and grabbed her, scooping her up into the air and temporarily distracting her from her victim, who was beginning to resemble a deer caught in the headlights of a car.
"Mena," he said, tossing her over his shoulder and tousling her hair, "quit dazzling the lad with your repartee and introduce me, would you? No fair you hogging the new family members...you need to share him with your old dad.
"Hello Heroditus," he said, shifting his wriggling daughter to allow him to shake hands, "or is it Harry? Or maybe Ditus? I'm your Uncle Oddyseus, but feel free to call me Odd. Everyone else does, among other more...colourful names, but you're a child, so I shan't tell you what they are until you're older. Of course, you're likely to hear a few of them from your father eventually...How are things, Severus?"
"Never better," Severus answered, in the same voice he'd used earlier with Calliste.
"Glad to hear it," Odd answered, smiling as if his brother in law wasn't glaring daggers at him. He turned back to Harry and said, in a mock-serious voice, "On behalf of the Alexandros family, I formally welcome you, and charge you with a sacred mission. You must uphold the Snape family honor, comport yourself always with the utmost dignity, and try your level best to dislodge the giant potions text which has been rammed up your father's ar..."
"Anyways," interrupted Adara, who was glaring at her husband, "I think perhaps you'd like to meet the boys."
Harry was glad for the interruption. It gave him a chance to recover from the coughing fit which had come over him at his Uncle's last comment.
"Oh, dear," said Calliste, concern on her face, "are you alright Heroditus? Do you need anything? I hope your father hasn't gone and let you catch cold..."
"No, no, I'm fine..." Harry answered quickly, glancing nervously at his father and edging away from the scowling man.
Atticus again noticed the tension between father and son and came to the rescue.
"Castor's bedroom is on the second floor; Myles is with him. Philomena, would you be so kind as to show Heroditus the way?"
"Okay," came the response, muffled since the speaker was still hanging upside-down over her father's shoulder.
Harry was happy to follow his bouncing little escort out of the entrance hall, leaving the increasingly hostile group of adults.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
As they approached Castor's bedroom, Harry could hear voices in what sounded like a quarrel.
"...was I supposed to know it would do that?" came the first voice.
"Because it says so on the package, genius! 'Not for consumption by any non-human magical beings'! Right there!" the second voice shouted back.
"Well it should be more specific!" the first boy was sounding indignant, "It should add, 'Or else your house-elf will grow five feet and develop a severe personality disorder.' I'm just supposed to guess that?"
Harry looked at Philomena and raised a questioning eyebrow. She grinned,
"Myles wanted to see what would happen if one of Uncle Atticus' house-elves ate a handful of Pepper Imps from Honeyduke's." she giggled, "He was almost eight feet tall, and he went downstairs and told Uncle he was tired of taking his orders, and then he..." she paused and lowered her voice, grinning nervously, "he gave him the middle finger."
Harry gaped, then laughed out loud.
"You're kidding me! Did it wear off?"
"Yeah," she answered, grimacing slightly, "it only lasted a few minutes, and then there was this huge hiss of steam, and Derkins...that's the elf...sort of fizzled down to his normal size. He had this horrified look on his face, and he started crying, and bashing his head on the wall...it was pretty bad. Dad and Uncle Atticus were really mad. Anyways, want to go in?"
She knocked vigorously on the door before he could answer, and pushed it open without waiting for an invitation.
Inside were two boys, who halted their conversation when Philomena burst in. Harry hung back, suddenly nervous again.
"How ya feeling, Myles?" the girl asked smugly, referring to her brother's earlier "talk" with their father.
"Just fine, Phil," answered a boy with a curly mop of jet-black hair that hung in his eyes and over his ears. "Thanks for asking. You know they made doors for a reason, right?"
"Hi kid," said the second boy, one with sandy hair and glasses, "what do you want? If you're wondering if you can borrow Montrose, the answer is still no!"
"No, I don't want to borrow your stupid snake, Castor. Uncle Severus is here with Harry Potter! Come in, Harry!" she gestured grandly in his direction and waved him into the room.
Feeling very self-conscious, Harry took a step inside and gave a feeble little wave.
"Hi."
For a moment nobody spoke, and then Myles said,
"Oh...my...gosh! Harry Potter? The Harry Potter? Omigosh, I don't know if I can handle this!" He gripped the side of the bed dramatically and clutched at his chest, gasping for breath. "Please...someone get me a paper bag...I think I'm hyperventilating. Mr. Potter, sir, would you please give me an autograph? On my back, so I can get it tattooed later? My best friend Colin Creevy would just be so jealous...can I lick your boots?"
Harry must have looked so appalled that Castor couldn't help but laugh.
"He's joking mate! Philly's been going on about you coming for ages. I don't think she's quite grasped the fact that cousins can't get married."
Philomena turned bright red and glared fiercely at her cousin, whose chair suddenly tipped him onto the floor.
"I hate you! She yelled, then stormed out of the door and slammed it behind her, leaving Harry alone with the two laughing boys.
Castor was able to talk first, and introduced himself from his new seat on the floor.
"Hi. As you probably gathered, I'm Castor, and that snorting idiot over there is Myles."
"'Lo," Myles managed to choke out, "sorry 'bout 't resist."
Harry still eyed him wearily.
"You aren't really a friend of Colin's, are you?" he asked, eyes narrowed.
This renewed Myles' snorting, prompting Castor to reach over and pat him (more punch him) in the back.
"Ow, fuck, Caz! No, I'm sorry to say I've never had the pleasure or privilege. Sorry, dear cousin, but I'm afraid I have better things to do than worship the ground you walk on. No offense."
"None taken," said Harry, greatly relieved. "You really had me worried for a second there, though...you know how he is..." he slid down the wall until he was sitting across from Castor on the floor.
"Oh, yeah," said Myles from his seat on the bed, "I'm in his year. Ravenclaw has Potions with Gryffindor." He grinned evilly, "Your dad doesn't like him too much...he caught him with a bunch of those "Potter Really Stinks" buttons in class last year, and he made him wear them all on his robes for the whole class. Creevy kept going on about the injustice of it all, said that your dad was committing defamation of character...he ended up getting a week's worth of detention."
"Nice!" was all Harry could think to say. These cousins seemed alright. This might work out after all.
"So," interrupted Castor, "enough of this Hogwarts talk. Not all of us go there, remember."
"Yeah," said Harry, "Sna...my father mentioned that. Why don't you?"
"Because his mother's a psychopath," Myles answered.
"Fuck off," said Castor mildly, then shrugged. "Yeah, okay, she sort of is. I don't know...I think it might be partly to piss off your dad. They don't really get on all that well..."
Harry laughed, "Yeah, I kind of noticed that. Is there a reason behind that?"
"He thinks she's a vapid, self-centered drama queen, and she thinks he's an anal-retentive, greasy vampire-wannabe." Castor answered simply.
"Well," Harry blinked, "that sums it all up nicely, I should think."
Myles smiled pleasantly,
"So, you met all the parents? What did you think?"
"Well," he started carefully, not wanting to offend, "they all seem...very nice."
"HA!" Myles snorted, "You just heard Castor admit his mum's a psycho. Don't give us 'nice', what did you think? Honestly."
"Umm...well, honestly..." he looked at the boys to make sure they weren't going to attack him, then took a deep breath. "Like you said, Aunt Calliste seems kinda...like what you said she was, and Uncle Atticus is a little, umm, serious, I guess. Uncle Odd, well...he told me that my father has a potions text shoved up his arse."
The two cousins burst out laughing at that. Apparently it was one of the man's favourite jokes when Severus was around. Harry grinned and continued.
"And Aunt Adara is just...she seems really great, to be honest. She made me feel really happy and welcome." He blushed, "I sound like a girl."
"Yes you do." Castor said seriously.
"Completely," agreed Myles. "Want a Pepper Imp?"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
As the two children disappeared up the stairs, the adults were left in un-comfortable silence. Ever tactful, Odysseus decided to bring up a topic of conversation.
"Awful handsome mistake you have there, Severus."
A chorus of objections broke out,
"For Merlin's sake..."
"Really Odd!"
"Is that really appropriate..."
"Odd, that's enough!" snapped Adara, slapping her husband on the arm. "Look, why don't we all go sit down and have a drink. Don't you think that would be a good idea, Atticus?" The look on her face let her brother know that it was a damned good idea, and he quickly led them all into a sitting room.
It angered Adara to no end that she was always forced to act as a mediator whenever her family got together. If Odd wasn't making some asinine comment or Calliste sending barbs at Severus, Adara was forced to make small talk to fill the icy silences made by Severus and Atticus' glowering.
How she alone of the Snape children had managed to develop any sort of social skills whatsoever was beyond her. It was a sad fact that her two younger brothers were completely incapable of carrying on a civil conversation. With a sigh, she brought a smile to her face and launched into her usual role.
"So, Severus, when did you go and collect Harry?" There. Conversation started.
"I had Borrible fetch him at five this morning," came the curt reply.
Adara felt her smile slide off of her face.
"Oh, Severus, you didn't. How could you? That awful creature? Surely you could have spared the time...the poor thing must have been absolutely shaken by it. You did at least write first to tell Harry what was going to happen..." No answer. "Oh, Severus."
Severus bristled and sat up straighter in his seat.
"Not that I feel it is any of your business, Adara, but no, I did not. The boy is not an infant. I doubt that he was "traumatized" in any way."
"Au contraire," said Calliste from the settee where she sat, the folds of her robe arranged elegantly around her, "my dear Severus, how little you know about child rearing...it's shocking, really. Children are so incredibly delicate...that's why I cannot allow my dear Castor to be educated outside the home. Why, one week of your classes would, I'm sure, so damage the poor child's psyche that..."
Atticus looked up from where he was pouring himself and his seething brother another drink.
"I hardly think Castor is that fragile, my dear. In fact, I was wondering if it might not be time to think about having him enrolled in Hogwarts..."
His wife sat up abruptly, completely disrupting the careful arrangement of her robes.
"What? A child of our Castor's sensibilities..."
"Yes, a child of his sensibilities who is nonetheless capable of turning a house-elf of exemplary character into a hulking, eight-foot beast. I think he can handle a year or two of traditional education." Atticus was interrupted by the indignant screeching of his wife.
"My Castor had nothing to do with that!! It was their little monster who..."
"Now see here," said Odysseus, starting to show a rare frown, "I think you're getting a little..."
"I don't doubt for a second," said Atticus, raising his voice to be heard, "that Castor at least egged Myles on. And furthermore..."
"Severus," shouted Adara, loud enough to be heard over the other shouting voices, "what did you do today with Harry? It looks like you went shopping."
Severus saw the desperate pleading on his sister's face and grudgingly played along.
"Yes, we went shopping. He was in desperate need of some new clothing."
"And...?" Adara looked about ready to tear her hair out.
"And...we met Chastity DesFois in Madame Malkin's."
"Oh, how lovely," said Calliste, her attention diverted for the moment, "I absolutely adore Chastity. What did she have to say? She always has the most interesting news..."
Adara breathed a small sigh of relief. Crisis averted. Merlin, she needed a drink.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Oi! You're seriously going to be escorting at the cotillion?" said Myles, eyes wide.
"Yeah," Harry shrugged, leaning his chair back on two legs, "I just found out...this woman met us in Madame Malkin's, and the next thing I knew, it'd been all arranged for me to go with her daughter...not much I could do, you know. Why? Aren't you two going?" he asked, suddenly concerned.
"No, not me, mate," said Myles, grinning and stretching theatrically, "tragically, I am deemed MUCH too immature to be considered an appropriate escort for a young lady of society. More's the pity..." He winked, and stuffed a handful of Bertie Bott's Beans into his mouth.
"Yes," said Castor, rolling his eyes, "that's what happens when you spell the backs of all the girls' robes to flip up in unison on the dance floor."
Harry whipped round to stare at his cousin, who was grinning through a mouthful of candy.
"Seriously? You did that? That's brilliant!"
Castor interrupted before Myles could launch into a play-by-play,
"Not nearly as brilliant as how fast he ran out of the ballroom after Uncle Odd caught on it was him." Now it was his turn to grin at Myles' scowl.
"Anyways," he continued, ducking a hail of beans, "I won't be going either...Mother is suspicious of all those cotillion mothers...she doesn't want them to get any ideas. She feels I'm too young to be betrothed..."
"Wait, what?" Harry cut in, righting his chair with a thud, "betrothed?"
"Oh, yeah," said Castor, "that's what a cotillion is, after all...a sort of...mating dance, if you will."
"Mating dance!?!" Harry screeched, leaping out of his chair.
"Yes, yes," put in Myles, "parents bring their children to try and make a match with the highest person on the social ladder as possible. Then, there's a series of negotiations between parents, a weighing of assets and, if all goes well, the union will be consummated before the night is over."
"Consum...ated...?" gasped Harry.
"Well," said Castor, "That's only in case of a successful negotiation. Sometimes, two girls will want the same boy, or vice versa, in which case there's a really brutal three-way, in which whoever "comes off" first is eliminated. This can really cause problems when it's the bloke who does, because then the two girls have to fulfill the marriage contract. Same for if it's two blokes and a girl who comes first..."
Harry narrowed his eyes and glared at his cousins, both of whom were trying desperately to keep their faces straight.
"You gits!" he growled, taking a menacing step forward, "You're having me on!"
"Not at all," said Myles, carefully edging toward the door, "We just wanted you to be prepared, being concerned cousins and all..."
"Yeah," said Castor, not even trying to hide his grin, "didn't want you to make a fool of yourself on the night you meet your future wife."
"Or husband..." finished Myles.
Harry advanced on the grinning boys. "Dead. Both of you bastards are fucking dead!"
Laughing and whooping, the boys chased out of the room and down the stairs, not noticing the little curly-haired girl crouched beside the door.
They burst into the sitting room and ground to a halt before the startled and disapproving stares of their parents. Castor and Myles opened their mouths in unison to explain, but were cut off by a great howl from the direction of the kitchens, followed moments afterward by the familiar "pop" heralding the arrival of a house-elf, twisting his tea-towel nervously as he glanced at Atticus.
"Master, Terwilliger is being very sorry, but...but, Derkins is still feeling very badly, and is still punishing himself...He is dumping all of the hot soup for Master's supper on his head."
Atticus closed his eyes and put his hand to his face.
"Tell him I order him to cease punishing himself. This has gone on long enough. And don't worry about the soup. I'm sure whatever other courses you've made will be excellent, even without the soup. Alright?"
Terwilliger looked very much relieved, and finally disappeared back to the kitchen after many a squealed thank-you.
Without further mishap, the entire family was soon seated at a long, elegant table and diner was served, with many apologies from the elves about the lack of soup. Everything went relatively smoothly. Small talk was exchanged that was at least less-than-hostile, and everyone enjoyed their meal. The three boys almost choked, however, when Philomena asked, as she handed her father the potatoes,
"Daddy, what's a "brutal three-way?""
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Okay. I hope this chapter was okay...I've been busy, so I'm sorry it took a while longer to get it posted. Let me know what you think of the Snape/Alexandros families.
Thank you so much to all my reviewers, you guys are absolutely great! You put me over 100, I love you!