Hiding Under the Ninth Earth
Book 03 : Epithalamium

Part One : Into Every Life a Little Strain Must Fall
Chapter Eight : "The Girls"

26 September 2003

If Harry thought Albus and Severus were hard negotiators, he quickly revised his opinion when he started working with "The Girls". Poppy, Minerva, and Hermione were not only intent on getting their way in the fine details of his nuptials, they also had a secret arsenal at hand--feminine wiles--which they plied with heartfelt abandon.

The unexpected knock on the door to their chambers came while they'd been sharing their habitual snifter of brandy before the fire. Harry had just drawn breath to tell Severus about his latest and, as it turned out, final meeting with "The Girls" that afternoon. Severus, grumbling about the interruption, opened the door to a woeful looking Dumbledore. His brows raised, he exclaimed, "Albus! What are you doing here?"

"It's so good to see you, too, Severus." Patently waiting for an invitation to enter (but receiving none) he cleared his throat and managed to keep his dignity while looking sheepish. "Poppy 'locked' me out," he said indignantly, still standing in the dungeon hallway.

Given that no one could lock-out the Headmaster from anywhere in Hogwarts, Harry assumed it must have been 'voluntary' compliance. He joined them at the door, one inside, one still outside, shaking his head in mock dismay. "So you're the handy target for the evening?"

Albus smiled. "So it seems, since I can't think of a single thing I did to warrant her ire. I admit, it doesn't take too much to ignite her temper, but usually she yells a little, I apologise (for everything--no matter what--I've found it's easiest), she acts contrite, and then we make up. Fairly routine, but tonight she's really brassed off. Enough so she's not listening to reason, not that she really does in any event."

Harry chuckled wickedly and remembering Severus' manners, invited Dumbledore in. Severus sniffed sullenly and, after closing the plain wooden door in the Headmaster's wake, followed them into the sitting room where he veered off to the sideboard. Harry rearranged the furniture so there was room in front of the fire for the third chair Albus summoned while Severus got him a snifter of the brandy, refilling theirs as well, and sat down expectantly. He'd not long to wait.

"So what happened that she tossed you out?" Harry asked.

Dumbledore shrugged, sipping the brandy in undisguised relief. "I'd no more stepped through the door when she started whinging about the meeting you had with them today, shoved a piece of marked parchment in my face, and when I told her I thought all the cross-outs seemed fine and reasonable, she really got her knickers in a twist. Suddenly I was 'insensitive' and 'uncaring' and a whole lot of other 'ins' and 'uns' and before I knew it, I was back out in my office with the door shut behind me."

"Surely that can't be all," Severus said, his brow raised.

Dumbledore tilted his head, the mischief clear in his eyes, "Well, I think I might have said something like 'What's the problem? It's their wedding after all.' Or words to that effect. Maybe that did it."

Harry started chuckling. "Er, well, yes, we had a 'meeting' today--a meeting of the minds, that is--our last one. I don't think they were very pleased with me. How did Minerva say it? Oh yes, I was not--'cooperative'."

Dumbledore looked sympathetic. "That bad, eh?"

Harry shrugged, "Well, not for me. I did give 'The Girls' a bit of bother, though. And I'm quite sure they want to murder me. It truly wasn't anything too different from our previous talks."

"Oh, I know you've annoyed them before-repeatedly, if one really listens to Poppy's grousing (which, mind you, one does not)--but what did you say to them, Harry, that was so different?" he asked, sipping his brandy. "She was in a right snit before I walked in the door and I got caught in the--what is it you young people say?--lashback?"

Severus had been watching this exchange with interest and some growing irritation of his own. "Harry, why didn't you mention this to me earlier?" he asked.

Harry could 'feel' Severus rein in his annoyance and it amused him greatly, which he made sure Severus knew about in his own way. "From the beginning you said 'I leave it up to you--I don't want to hear about it,' so I took you at your word." He eyed him over his glass. "Right?"

Severus grimaced. "Hmmm, yes, I suppose I did say that, but I didn't know you would be so literal about it."

Dumbledore smiled and exclaimed, "Now that was an honest exchange! Tell me, why do women have to complicate it so much?"

Severus chuckled, "I think we've had this conversation already along with most of the men on the planet. Why do women do anything they do? It defies any known logic."

Albus almost choked on his brandy. "Logic? You assume perhaps too much, my friend, linking 'logic' with 'women' in the same thought."

Harry spoke up. "Oh, they have logic--convoluted, but if you follow it closely, it makes a queer sort of sense; that's not really their problem. It's--well--hmmm, how do I say this? They won't admit when they're wrong. Or least in this matter they wouldn't. I was very cross with them today--after all the times we'd met, they weren't listening to me (something, by the way, they're quick to point out when we don't do it) and were bent on doing it their female way with their female traditions. They were so convinced they were right, they ignored everything we wanted. I merely disagreed."

He eyed them both and then, coming to an obvious decision, asked, "One thing bothers me, though. I ask you, do I act like a girl?"

"No!" and "Absolutely not," were the simultaneous replies he got from both of them. Severus added with some irony, "I think I would've noticed by now. I'm not a misogynist, but we would not be going through all of this if you even remotely acted 'like a girl'." He eyed Harry with significance over his glass; a graphic image from one of their more memorable nights together floated lazily into Harry's head; he grinned while dampening the instant arousal it brought.

"Thank Merlin for that. I didn't think so, but they tend to think of me--us that way, and had me a bit worried there. They have some pretty weird preconceptions about both of us, who we are, what 'roles' we take, and what we 'do'--it's funny most of the time, but recently I've felt defensive. And surprised. I thought they were a little more liberated about 'roles' in a relationship since none of them are exactly the 'stay-at-home-and-raise-the-little-kiddies' types. It made me madder than hell they should think we would be any less independent."

Both men commiserated with him, Albus going so far as to comment, "It must have been dreadful."

Harry shrugged. "It wasn't too bad in the beginning. I mean I tried to approach it all with reason and good humour, but one thing I've learned over the last two weeks is you can't negotiate fairly with them and you can't let them know you're upset. They have this--way--of twisting your words around so that even though you're right, you're wrong, and it's all your fault. It's a game to them, I think--even Hermione plays it, and she's supposed to be one of my best friends. I almost feel sorry for Ron."

Albus chuckled. "Pity me too, Harry. Poppy probably taught Hermione."

"Poppy is, well, Poppy. She can reduce anyone to ashes with 'the look'--you have my sympathy." At Severus' snort, he finally took a swig of the brandy and resumed. "And McGonagall! Damn, she looks over those glasses of hers with that 'Head-of-House-I-remember-when-you-couldn't-wipe-your-own-sorry-arse--how-dare-you-disagree' look. It makes you feel like you're eleven all over again, standing in the Great Hall about to be sorted."

"An act she has perfected with everyone, I assure you," Severus commented. "It drives me into the dungeons when she gets in one of her 'snits'." He thought about it; the two sips of brandy went down easily. Finally, he asked, "If they're this upset, you obviously won--so what did you do?"

Harry's wicked face was almost answer enough. "Nothing more than I normally do. First I play dumb--not too hard to do with the subject matter since I don't know my arse from my elbow with it. That works about one in four. If I'm still unsuccessful, I threaten to walk out and do it myself--that usually gets apologies. And when all else fails, I strongly remind them I'm a man, I'm gay, but I'm not 'one of The Girls', and they presumed too much. That either earns me murderous looks, or stunned surprise, like they forgot it or something. But they usually cave or retreat in embarrassment and confusion. Works almost every time."

For the next hour, Harry kept them in stitches with his tales of their 'discussions' and how they'd come about in the first place.

When Poppy had first approached them about the planning, the day after the handfasting, she caught them at a time when they were struggling to control the internal and external havoc inflicted by the bond. Only half aware of what she'd been saying, they'd readily agreed to let her 'handle things' just to get rid of her so they could go back to their more pleasant distractions. And it had almost worked.

"I suspect Poppy had known all along how little we cared for anything else at the moment and used her momentary advantage to gain some ground while we were still befuddled," Harry said on a laugh.

Severus pulled back his head and sniffed. "Who was befuddled? Not me."

Albus gave him one of his 'looks', saying, "You were both fuzzled and yes, Poppy has the instincts of a niffler when it comes to smelling out weaknesses when she's on a 'mission'. You would have been prime picking for her. When did you finally cotton on to the problem?"

Harry chuckled, "About two weeks ago when she sent their first draft."

Severus shook his head, "It was the most inane drivel I'd seen since the First Year Hufflepuff essays two years ago. I had no time to argue with them--"

"--So I stupidly volunteered to help. I mean it was obvious our strategy of just letting them 'get on with it' had backfired. Based on what they'd outlined, I'd need Arthur to walk me down the aisle in my new, snowy white robes holding a bouquet of red roses while I discreetly wept for joy. Echh! The thought made me sick, so I told Severus not to worry about it. My schedule was fairly flexible at the time and I would take care of it."

Dumbledore slyly glanced at his friend. "What did Severus say?"

Noticing where Albus was sneaking a look, he replied blandly, "Not much. Just snorted and gave me that 'Go ahead--it's your life,' look." Harry laughed inside, thinking that while Severus had never thanked him out loud, he'd managed to convey his gratitude that night quite well.

"Taking Care of It" had turned out to be much easier said than done, as he'd soon found. At first he'd talked to Poppy and tried to tell her their wishes, thinking that would be the end of it. He asked her to send him regular updates and had been relieved when she didn't feel he needed to be involved any more than he wanted to, but when he saw the first revised draft he knew he would have to actively participate. He'd tried to spare Severus the agony of their almost daily gossipy 'meetings'. It was during these times he began to truly see the difference between men and women; he found them confounding and over time, as his irascibility grew, utterly resistable.

They in turn learned a few 'useful' things about Harry. The first being that all the female machinations used to great effect on other men of their acquaintance eventually made him laugh or left him irritated, depending on their strategy. And strategy it was, he soon found out; he'd never thought he'd be using his earlier 'The Art of War' lessons in quite this manner--and with such wily opponents. He soon discovered it was an ancient game with unwritten rules he made up as he went along, the object being to not only thwart their cunning plans, but to derive some personal satisfaction in besting them. If they cried, he'd hand them a handkerchief and kept a ready supply of them about him. If they pouted, he snickered. If they got angry, he yelled back, measure for measure; he cut them absolutely no slack.

The brandy was going down smoothly as Harry continued his story. "So, today, Poppy asks me about the flowers. I'm sitting there thinking, flowers? So I asked her, 'What flowers?' and she says 'You know, the flowers for the chapel.' And then I'm thinking, chapel? So I tell her my favorite flowers are none--I'm not a bloody girl.

"Too right," Severus replied.

"I thought she was going to turn as red as her namesake. And then she got that 'look'--you know the one I mean--where if she thought she could get away with it, she'd use you as a doormat on a really mucky day."

Dumbledore laughed drily, "Yes, I am somewhat familiar with 'the look'. I get it often enough."

"They're so thick. I must have told them a dozen times--no chapel, no flowers, no attendants, no pictures--even if it is Colin and he promises to 'keep it tasteful'--and no decorations. I was a little miffed with their presumption--they kept bugging me about our 'colour scheme' and seemed to think black and blue is inappropriate. Fancy that? I mean it IS the color of our robes. They seemed to think one of us should wear white (probably me since they all know better than to ask Severus) like I'm a bloody bride. You should have seen their faces when I told them there seemed to be some misconceptions about my 'orientation'--just because I'm gay doesn't mean I know how to colour coordinate--and I don't bottom. I thought McGonagall was going to swallow her lips."

It was quite a picture and Severus helped himself laughingly to more brandy, pouring more in each of their glasses, the level dropping very quickly. He went to the cabinet and got another bottle, just in case.

"Then there was the reception. They wanted to know about the menu. So, I asked them, 'What menu?' That was my first mistake. I'm looking through this--this--feast--they have planned with house-elves serving little platters of fancy food with French names, a cake, speeches, and planned toasts to the happy 'groom and groom'. It would take hours. So I really stepped into it. I was so irritated, I almost forgot my own rules."

His face was flushed with remembered anger and Severus was very glad he'd not been there. He suspected Harry had been much gentler with them than he would have been. "Please tell me we're not going to do any of it." He shuddered.

"No, we're not. The first thing I had to tackle was that 'groom and groom' thing; I told them point-blank there was absolutely no way anyone was to say it or even think it--it was wrong. They could use 'Couple', 'Partners', 'Husbands' (although not 'Husband and Husband'), or better yet--'Severus and Harry'."

"What did they say?" Albus asked, sitting forward.

"They were contrite. I was pretty adamant about it. It's just another example of the way they think about our relationship, like one of us is 'feminine' and the other 'masculine'. It never occurs to them we're two men, in all meaning of the words, who love each other. Silly really--they don't make those kind of assumptions when it's two women pledging each other--they pay attention to the people."

Severus was puzzled. "You mean they think we have a heterosexual relationship, only we're men?" At Harry's nod, he continued, "Well, that certainly explains some things. I mean, in some gay relationships I might think of it as dominant/submissive or top/bottom or maybe even as extreme as feminine/masculine, but it would never occur to me to classify one of them as the 'man' or the 'woman' in the relationship--well, maybe with the queens, I might. But, overall, how can you make that sort of assumption when both partners are men? Even if one dresses like a woman or acts like one, he's still male, still thinks like one. Unless he takes the Changing Potion, that is--then he's a she." He shook his head, "They truly don't understand, do they?"

"That pretty much sums it up. Don't worry, Severus. I explained it to them. In detail. They may never recover, but at least now they know and accept that we're equals.

"I'm very glad of it--you almost make it sound like they think one of is better than the other. That would be unacceptable." Changing back to the original subject, he asked, "What about the menu?"

I told them 'Give us plain food we can eat with our fingers, copious amounts of champagne, and an open area through which Severus and I can escape when the urge to shag gets too strong and we have to leave.' They were stunned, although I could see Hermione's lips twitching. Then I actually made McGonagall blush when I suggested a magical passage directly to our quarters so we wouldn't be tempted to 'do it' in the hallways."

"You didn't," Dumbledore chortled.

"I'd have paid money to see their faces," Severus smirked.

"Yep, sure did--after all, they were planning on keeping us for a long time at this 'reception' and after listening to them grouse for hours at previous meetings about how 'impulsive' and 'insensitive' men are about such things--even your Poppy, you little devil, you--I thought it a good idea to remind them of all their other comments at other times." He shook his head. "Damn, the things they talk about--there is NO detail too small for them. I think I know the mating habits of half the Wizards in Britain and a few of the Muggles as well. I half expected them to start grilling me about us. As it was, you should have heard the way they carried on about us not wanting children."

Severus gave him a sympathetic glance--he knew where that conversation had probably gone. "That at least is understandable. However, it seems to me just the thought of two men having a baby would, at least on the surface, appear somewhat unnatural."

Dumbledore admirably controlled the slight slur to his words. "What? You don't want any little Snaplings or Potlets running around?"

Severus glared at him. "Surely you jest."

Harry started laughing and then hiccuped. "I suppose I missed a golden opportunity to 'educate' them on the process." He took another sip of the brandy Severus had poured from the second bottle. "Ah well, given the freedom with which they frankly discuss their sex lives, even Minerva, I suppose I got off easy."

He studied the curious, inquiring looks he received from both of them and shuddered as he said, "No, trust me, some things just don't bear repeating." When they continued to stare at him in a 'you owe us' manner, he caved and gave them all the gory details, except for Poppy--Harry had said no more than two sentences when Albus realised his wife had been graphic indeed and he quickly changed the discourse back to Hermione and Minerva. Severus and Harry were, of course, not fooled by the detour, but Severus was satisfied yet repelled by a couple of juicy images Harry sent him including one that indicated Harry would tell him more later. They all had a good laugh and a few blushes over Minerva's 'proclivities', though. Who knew?

At the end, Harry mentioned how curious 'The Girls' had been about their sex life and preferences. "I didn't go into too much detail except to hint that ours was, in some ways, very different than theirs, which for some reason really surprised them, but they think it's very 'sweet' that we like a good cuddle in front of the fire."

Knowing he should be upset that 'The Girls' knew even that much of his 'softer' side, but beyond caring at this point, Severus chuckled wickedly, "You probably should have volunteered every sordid detail--all of it. I am willing to wager they would have only asked once."

"You're probably right." The brandy went down smoothly. "Then they kicked me out. All I said was 'See how simple all this is?' when I told them we would take care of the ceremony--all they need do was show-up. I did allow they could plan a 'simple' reception afterwards with 'simple' refreshments, preferably in English, with no service. I think they would have used my head for a Bludger if I'd stuck around any longer. I could hear them bitching about it all the way down the hall. Bloody birds."

Severus was concerned. "What about the ceremony itself?" he asked.

Dumbledore replied smoothly, "Don't worry. I've been taking care of it. Harry and I've met a couple of times to go over the details. We'll be using an older, lesser-used Closed Form to keep it interesting; I'm sure you've seen it before and I know you've reviewed and approved the guest list of 17 plus ourselves. I'll send you both a parchment soon so you have time to memorise your lines and know where to put in the things you've been working on like the Epithalamium and the Assimilation Vows. We can make changes if you see anything that overly bothers you. Once we finalise it, I'll send copies to everyone along with a list of their tasks a week before. That should give everyone plenty of time to practice their part."

"Don't forget, now that I've rejected 'The Girls' plans, we'll also need to discuss the setting and the other flotsam that goes with it--but no rehearsal--I killed that early on." Harry said, his head a little muzzy from the brandy.

Albus chuckled. "You let me worry about that. I'm quite sure the Room of Requirement will supply everything we need. I'll send you an outline when I send the ceremony details. And I promise--no white wedding frock, no chapel, no flowers, and no rehearsal. All right?"

Severus was reassured--at least one part of the nuptials would be easy and sane. He supposed he could handle a reception afterwards--it would only be their friends, although the reception with its free food and libations were usually all anyone ever remembered in any event. Unless of course Aunt Sophie got drunk and danced on the table. Then it became the stuff of legends; he just hoped theirs would be a quickly forgotten memory.

They'd drunk the brandy dry; it had been very late (or early depending on one's perspective) when Albus finally crept home, assuming Poppy would have cooled down by then.

He'd been very wrong.

TBC