Disclaimer: All JKs. I make no money.
A.N.: This is my take on how James and Lily finally got things working. I know it's been done to death, but a lot of the J/L stories out there annoy me for one reason or another and I just wanted to put my own spin on it.
If anyone can recommend a good J/L fic for me to read I'd love you.
Oh, and before people start throwing rotten tomatoes at me….I will get back to Marauders eventually. It's been on hiatus while my life has been crazy, but it is not forgotten and will be finished eventually.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
James watched Lily from across the great hall. This was it. No more fooling around. No jokes. No audience. He just had to get her alone somehow. Away from the people. Away from peering eyes and gossips.
"Don't do anything stupid," said Remus, appearing unexpectedly at James' shoulder and reaching over him to grab the gravy boat. He proceeded to smother his entire, very large, meal with the stuff. He must've been close by, piling that plate up, completely unnoticed by James for some time before making his presence known. He was smirking.
"Like what?" asked James, unreasonably annoyed. He was trying to gather his courage. Couldn't he have a moment to himself?
"I dunno," said Remus casually, "like standing on the bench and yelling 'Will you go out with me Evans?' at the top of your lungs?" He dropped the gravy back down and took a seat by James.
James frowned, "Tell me I was never that bad," he said.
"And then some," Remus chuckled as he began to shovel food into his mouth. "You're not eating?" he asked thickly through his potatoes, indicating James' empty plate with his fork.
"Oh," said James, distracted, "yeah". He mechanically began to assemble food. He'd come to dinner on his own. Sirius and Peter had become occupied with adding some newly discovered passageway to the Marauder's Map when James had noticed the dot representing "Lily Evans" moving among the few in the Great Hall. She was having an early dinner it seemed, and to James it had been an omen, or at least an opportunity to get the girl alone.
By the time James arrived at the Great Hall however, Lily had been joined by some friends, and while, encouragingly, his entrance had not gone unnoticed – Lily had given him a tiny wave and a smile – he'd felt that moving to join the conversation would be intrusive, and somehow embarrassing, so he'd chosen instead to sit by himself and gaze.
"You think she's warming to me?" he asked Remus hopefully, placing the serving spoon back into the peas, his eyes never leaving the object of his affection.
"Yes," came the glib reply as Remus continued to focus on his food.
James blinked and faced his friend, "Seriously," he said, "I'm thinking of asking her out."
Remus laughed. "Just now?" he asked, "Just today? Thought you'd try something different? You thought 'hey, what have I never done before? I think I might just . . ." he broke off without finishing the sentence. Perhaps he'd realized that this was not the time to make fun. His mischievous smile betrayed his continued amusement though.
James glared, but knew he'd walked right into this punishment. It wasn't so long ago that he had been yelling after Lily to go out with him at every available opportunity - classes, quidditch games, in the common room – and every time she had rejected him. Every. Single. Time. He'd viewed it as a kind of ongoing joke between them, a joke he'd been convinced Lily had appreciated on some level. Looking back now though he wasn't sure whose expense the joke had been at.
"You done?" James asked.
"Yes" Remus replied, giving James his exaggerated full attention.
"Thanks," said James dryly.
"No problem," Remus grinned before becoming more sympathetic. "Look, you've been working together right? Doing the whole head boy and girl thing."
"Yeah."
"She hasn't shot you down? Called you names?"
"Well, no."
"You haven't done anything stupid to piss her off yet?"
"Are you insinuating I did something stupid to piss her off in the past?" James did his best to look innocent.
Remus chose to ignore the question. "I think," he said "she might very well be warming to you."
"Right," said James. He wanted to believe him but also realized that Remus could not possibly understand what was really going on. Not fully. He shook his head and turned his attention to Lily once more.
She was laughing at something the boy opposite her had said, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear as she did so. Although James couldn't help picturing his own hand running through that hair, he also couldn't help but suspect her of laughing at his expense.
Before he had time to fully appreciate how ridiculous that was, Lily happened to glance his way. She caught his eye briefly and her laughter died. She turned away with a guilty look and suddenly became very interested in her soup. James' heart sank. Maybe she really had been laughing at him.
He sighed. Despite what Remus might think about the decrease in public arguments, James and Lily were no closer than they had ever been. While Lily had never said anything so direct, James had no trouble understanding that she disapproved of Dumbledore's choice of head boy. He understood it through the tension in her greetings, the polite frown she wore whenever he demonstrated his lack of experience as a prefect, and the stony silences that followed his occasional jokes regarding their responsibilities.
She was never anything but courteous to him when they had to work together, but James was under the distinct impression that Lily was only handling the unexpected situation by pretending he was someone else. It seemed she found it easier to treat him like a stranger than to truly acknowledge that James Potter had been chosen to lead the student body with her.
When he'd first received his badge in the post James had been terrified. Not of being head boy (he knew he was up to that) but of the look of horrified shock he'd imagined Lily would wear when she heard about it. Admittedly the terror had fought a battle with the part of James that loved it when Lily got fired up (the inner eleven year old who'd once enjoyed burning the girl's hair) but the terror had won out. For the first time in his life he'd dreaded arriving back at school.
Sirius had laughed at him. "This is a good thing, right Prongs? You'll get to spend hours on end with her. Just think about it. She can't run away any more. She'll actually have to get to know you now."
Which was true, but more problematic than Sirius could have known.
James had spent the last two years building a protective wall around himself, the construction of which had been so subtle that it was only as it came crumbling around his shoulders that he realized he'd built it at all. In spite of evidence to the contrary, he'd managed to convince himself that Lily's invectives, criticisms and rejections were simply her way of hiding her attraction to him. The public nature of his advances had been his way of maintaining that illusion. It made his obsession with her, and by extension her rejections, more funny than hurtful. Audiences made everything funny. It made the whole thing less real.
Faced with the prospect of meeting her in the prefect's compartment for a discussion he'd felt sure would include a rundown of all his shortcomings and a questioning of the wisdom of Albus Dumbledore, James had been forced to admit the truth. He'd always known Lily's harsh words to be sincere.
Once that admission was made, Lily's disapproval became exponentially more difficult to laugh off. Her opinion meant far too much to him.
Thankfully James had been spared Lily's initial reaction to his news. It turned out someone else had informed her of the appointment before he'd arrived at King's Cross Station. James and Remus had entered the prefect's compartment to find Lily had already decided on a strategy of professionalism. She'd greeted Remus with her usual warm enthusiasm and behaved almost as though she were meeting James for the first time. Gone was the fiery, animated girl James had fallen for - the girl who glared at him disdainfully, lectured him on right and wrong and put him in his place whenever he went too far. She'd been replaced by a business-woman, efficient and neutral.
More familiar with the prefect's agenda for the first day of school than James, she had charismatically talked the new prefects through their duties and sent everyone else off to patrol the train before sitting him down for a long chat about his new responsibilities. James had played the good student, much, he sensed, to Lily's relief.
Two months into the term they'd continued to play their roles to perfection. James had quickly recovered from the disadvantage of never having been a prefect. He was a quick study and charming to boot and the younger prefects followed his lead without issue. The seventh year Slytherins were less enthusiastic, watching his progress somewhat contemptuously, but thankfully their objections had come in the form of snide comments rather than hexes and so far there had been no serious incidents. There had been no actual complaints yet from Lily, a gratifying relief, and Remus had even commented that the mood of prefect meetings had improved dramatically this year. James prided himself on bringing his natural humour to the otherwise dry table.
Despite all this, he knew there was something about him that still bothered the head girl. There was an uneasy air about her whenever he approached. A stiffness. She was waiting for him to drop the act, to start making her life difficult or to undermine her somehow. She wasn't afraid of him, she never had been, but her apprehension hung in the air whenever they spoke, and if they were ever alone together uncomfortable silences were the norm. James' attempts at jokes or conversation seemed to crash apart as they came into contact with iceberg Evans.
It made James feel like shaking her, or maybe pushing her against the wall and kissing her until she just got over it and relaxed. He almost wanted the angry Lily back. He craved real attention from her. A reaction. Any reaction. He knew he could provoke one – the inner eleven year old was just dying to break free and run riot - but he resolutely refrained. As he'd said to Remus on several occasions, the world was different now and the school needed strong figureheads. Picking fights with the formidable head girl was the last thing he should be doing.
He fondly remembered those moments when she had genuinely smiled at his humour. Despite Lily's outward dislike of him he'd never missed the reluctant way her lips twitched at the more outrageous things he'd said or done. Each twitch had been a small victory to be treasured. Her smiles were merely polite now.
Was she glancing at him again? Were they still talking about him?
Remus snorted, "Are you trying to burn a hole through the side of her head Prongs?"
James managed to tear his attention away from Lily's fingers as she absently began to massage her neck. "How would you do it?" he asked.
"What? Ask her out?"
"Yeah."
Remus lowered his utensils and gave James a hard look. "You're really serious about this?"
"Yeah. I figure I have to get her alone. You know, she doesn't like the whole public displays thing."
Although Remus had the good grace not to begin laughing again, he did pause for a long moment before answering and James could have sworn he saw his shoulders shake just the tiniest bit.
"That sounds reasonable," was the calm response when it came.
"Right," said James. "So what would you do?"
"Me? I'd avoid her entirely and never get anywhere," said Remus, and James detected hints of reproach in his tone, "but I have issues."
James smiled in a long-suffering way, forgetting Lily for a moment, "I have no sympathy for you Moony. Nothing risked, nothing gained. You can't hide forever. That Ravenclaw girl, Elsie, she's been watching you . . ."
"Take a risk then," Remus interrupted hurriedly, "Don't ask Lily out here, but ask to see her in the prefect's office after dinner. Tell her you need to talk about something ….. prefecty."
"Then what?"
"Ask her to Hogsmeade!"
"That doesn't work. I've got to try something different."
"Try the honest approach then. Tell her how you feel. Tell her you'll never burn her hair again. Girls like that." He grinned again.
"That's good," said James sarcastically, hating him for being so entertained, "I'll write that down."
"I try."
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
"Did you want to talk to James Lily?"
Lily frowned, "Not particularly. Why do you ask?"
"He's coming over."
A fluttery feeling came over Lily as she glanced up. James had indeed risen from his seat and was approaching them in his casual way. He'd caught her glancing his way before. She hoped he hadn't misinterpreted it as an invitation.
She nodded congenially as he reached them. "Potter."
He nodded back, "Evans."
An awkward moment passed as James unabashedly let his gaze rove over her friends.
"Is something wrong?" she asked him eventually. He was making her nervous. He always made her nervous and she'd just noticed that Remus was watching them intently from across the hall. What was going on?
"Oh you know," said James, his eyes now oddly fixed at a point just above her head. "Nothing huge, I just need to see you in the Prefect's Office. There're some things we need to sort out. Can you meet me around seven thirty?"
"Oh," she said, and found herself desperately casting about for a reason why she should not meet him. "Sure," she heard herself say. "Seven thirty. I'll just finish eating shall I?"
"Yeah, good," he said, as though it didn't matter to him much. He sauntered off.
"What was that about?" asked Michael curiously. "Sounded mysterious. You two planning something? You know as head girl I think you should be arranging a school dance. Maybe two. We could use them with all the bad news that keeps arriving."
"What?" asked Lily, who had been preoccupied watching James' departure. He was now sitting with Remus who appeared to be holding in laughter. Were they laughing at her? It wouldn't be the first time she'd been the butt of one of James' jokes.
"I still can't believe they made him head boy," said Lucy, who seemed to have caught on to Lily's train of thought. "Completely full of himself."
"You know," said Lily thoughtfully, "I get this feeling from him sometimes. . ."
"Like what?"
Lily shook her head, "I'm not sure. Like maybe he cares more about what people think than he lets on."
"Lily, this is James Potter we're talking about. Everything he does is about what other people think. It's all a show. You know that."
"Maybe," Lily conceded, "but something's different. You guys haven't seen him in prefect meetings. He's actually quite good." She thought about that for a moment. "It's quite maddening actually. I keep wondering if it's not just a new tactic to drive me mad. He won't just make fun of me or pretend we wants to ask me out any more. He's either holding back or building up to something. I keep waiting for the bomb to drop."
Michael laughed. "It can't be that bad. Danica said she thought he was doing a great job and she was really nervous when she found out it would be him. She thought he'd be biased and Danny should have gotten the badge."
Lily snorted. "Danny? There's house bias for you. Ravenclaw would have gotten all the favours. James and I had to sit him down the other week to chat about uneven point awarding. He was giving them out to Ravenclaws for eating quietly and stacking books neatly. I ask you."
Michael shrugged. "I guess the right guy got the job then."
Lucy shook her head. "Whatever. Like everyone doesn't know he's broken every school rule and hangs out with a family that practices the dark arts."
"Sirius hates his family," Michael countered. "He ran away from home over the Summer."
"Really?" clearly this was the juiciest thing Lucy had heard all day.
"Yeah," said Lily, "He moved in with James. I overheard him talking about it with Remus. It was pretty messy apparently."
"Wow," said Lucy.
She and Michael proceeded to discuss the dastardly doings of the Black family and the implications of Sirius' escape while Lily wondered what James might be up to. He and Remus had now left the hall but she gazed at the spot they had vacated as though their empty place mats would give her the answer.
James had been different this year. The arrogant bully seemed to have been replaced by a well balanced and thoughtful individual. His attitude toward her had certainly changed. He'd gone from singling her out as target number two (Severus Snape had always occupied the position of target number one) to responding to everything she did in a fashion she could only describe as careless. He wasn't rude or patronizing, but the spark seemed to have gone out of him where she was concerned. It was a relief to say the least, but Lily couldn't help feeling that it was the quiet before the storm.
She was confidant she'd done the right thing when she'd greeted him so civilly on the train. She'd decided that morning as she'd packed her trunk, after a week of nausea, that she wouldn't rise to the bait this year. Whatever he did to provoke her, she would keep her cool. She would behave as though he'd done nothing and smile. Her logic had been that he'd become bored if she ignored him. That was how you dealt with bullies and egotistical teenage boys wasn't it?
As it turned out he'd done nothing she particularly needed to ignore, but she still felt his good behaviour was somehow reliant on her ability to separate their past from the new professional relationship.
With the wizarding world in chaos and many students turning to the prefects for unofficial counselling, Lily was beginning to feel the strain of her position. She could feel herself slowly beginning to rely on James in a way that troubled her. She wasn't sure she'd easily cope if the straightforward James Potter she'd come to depend on suddenly regressed to the James Potter who'd teased her mercilessly for two years running. She was both glad and wary of his support.
She glanced at her watch.
"I have to go," she told her friends.
Five minutes later she entered the Prefect's Office to find James pacing in front of the crackling fireplace. It was a cosy office she reflected. Two large, ornate desks (one her own, the other belonging to James) and a range of mismatched chairs and couches cluttered the room. The walls were covered in schedules and the strategic plans they'd put together in the first week of term. The desks were decorated with personal knick-knacks and photographs, James' more so than Lily's.
He gave her a brief smile and moved quickly to close the door behind her.
Despite the comfortably large size of the room she immediately felt trapped. The way he had asked her to meet him had been unusual and memories of pranks James and his friends had gleefully pulled on so many unsuspecting students over the years flashed through her mind's eye. The framed photograph on his desk of the four marauders laughing together by the whomping willow only served to underline her fears. She shifted uncomfortably.
"You wanted to discuss something?" she asked.
"Yeah. I did," said James, running one hand nervously through his messy black hair.
The action was quick and unconscious but it gave her pause for thought. She had always associated it with his attempts to publicly humiliate her. It was usually followed by a mock invitation for a date in front of a large crowd. She knew the dance. He asked her out, she said "no", his friends and everyone else laughed at the hilarious joke, and she got her own back by making some scathing comment.
But there was no crowd here. It was just a bunch of empty chairs and James. A very anxious James. But James was never anxious. He was over-confidant and conceited to a fault. Even this year. It was in the way he walked. The way he grinned. The way his voice rang out so clearly when he had an audience. Granted it was more often the assembled prefects he performed for these days than students gathered to enjoy the pandemonium created by his latest antics, but his demeanour was the same.
"I wanted to ask you something," he was saying.
"Go ahead," she said. Somewhere in her brain she registered that he was standing quite close to her, just barely intruding on her personal space.
"I'm not sure how to say this," he said, shifting his feet ever so slightly. He really was nervous.
Still wary, Lily took pity on him "It can't be that bad," she said kindly. It was the nicest thing she'd said to him all year she realised. The first thing she'd said to him in that tone at least. He seemed relieved at it and, unexpectedly, she felt a little guilty. Had she been so cold to him? Did he need to hear that tone sometimes? She'd been thankful for his cooperation during this difficult time but she'd never wondered how he might be handling the whole thing. She realized suddenly that she may have let their past dealings effect their new 'professional' relationship after all.
"Okay," he said, more confidently now, "I need to ask you something. All those times over the last few years when I asked you out. Why did you say 'no'?"
She gaped at him, all thoughts of sympathy forgotten. "Are you serious!"
"Deadly." He held her gaze.
"You were playing for the crowd! You were being an attention seeking git, and you know it! What's this really about?" She had a sneaking suspicion she already knew where this was going but she needed a second or two to sort it out in her head. He'd had enough. He was bored. The bomb was finally being dropped and she could feel her heart sinking with a sick sort of dread.
He was now grinning in a way that made her very uneasy. He was elated. "There she is!" he cried, "I missed you."
"What?" she demanded, supremely annoyed now and more distressed than ever. Why, oh why had she let herself depend on him? Were those tears she felt rising? No. God no. She wouldn't cry in front of him. She never had before and wouldn't start now. But he'd never meant so much to her before. There had never been so much riding on his shoulders. Damn him!
James seemed to see that he was treading on dangerous ground and his grin faded. "Evans it's okay, don't… I just meant I missed you. You've been this different person all year and it's been driving me mad. I didn't mean to say the wrong thing, I just… I had to break though this," he gestured vaguely at her, "this act!"
"Well then," she said acidly, still close to tears, "Maybe you could hex one of the fifth year prefects! That might bring the old me back. I could yell at you in a meeting. Things wouldn't run so smoothly but it could be really entertaining for everyone. Is that what you want?"
He looked taken aback. Hurt even. "That's not what I meant," he said quietly.
She nodded, a little ashamed of her outburst. "Look, James," she said forcing herself to calm, taking control of herself and the situation, "We can't just go back to how things were. It would be ludicrous, the head boy and girl at each other's throats when everyone needs us."
"I understand that," he said.
"I can't do this on my own James. You've been great so far -"
"Thank-you,"
" - and I really need you on my side."
He frowned, "I am on your side," he said. "I'm not going anywhere. This has been hard for me too you know. Everything's such a mess and everyone's upset but you and I have to stay strong because we're the ones that everyone else looks to. I get it Lily. I do. The thing is I feel like I'm on my own out here."
"What!" she gasped in disbelief. "I've done as much as you! More!"
"I know!" he said quickly, "I know that. That's not what's bothering me. Really. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't just need a head girl here. We're going through this together and I need a friend. I need you to talk to me without sounding like a textbook. I need you to have a sense of humour."
"You mean you want me to laugh at your jokes," she said sourly, not feeling entirely sure why this was a bad thing.
"Yes!" he said. "And tell a few of your own! You used to do that you know. That's what I miss. That's what I want back."
She felt the tears dry up before they were shed. He hadn't wanted a fight after all. Just a human reaction. "A few jokes?" she asked with a weak smile as the fight went out of her. He nodded. "I can do that I suppose." She laughed at herself, embarrassed to have overreacted so badly.
He seemed pleased with that and took a cautious step toward her. She fought the urge to move back and lifted her chin so she could look him in the eye. When had he grown so tall?
"I want to ask you out again," he said. She stared at him. "It's just us," he continued earnestly "Just us, no crowd, and this time it's real. I really want you to go to Hogsmeade with me."
The image of Peter Pettigrew jumping out from behind one of the couches and crying "April fool!" came unbidden to Lily's mind and she stomped on it quickly before she unintentionally laughed.
James was biting his lip, waiting for a response.
"I…..I don't, I can be here for you but I…" she railed off, completely thrown. If she was honest she had to admit that this wasn't entirely unexpected, but she wasn't prepared for it. Not right now. "James you've been making fun of me for two year's straight. What's going on here?"
But suddenly, seeing the look on his face, everything clicked into place. He was the little boy who pulled the girl's hair because he liked her. He always had been and deep down she'd always known it. She wondered if his friends knew. Probably they did. She wondered why Remus hadn't told her. She'd often bitched to him about James' behaviour and hotly questioned Remus' friendship with him. Remus had always smiled sadly and never given her straight answers on the topic. She suddenly thought of his laughing at dinner. She'd have words with him later.
"I never made fun of you!" James was saying in surprise. He sounded like he meant it too.
"What would you call it then?" she asked sharply. He most certainly had made fun of her.
"I…I don't," he was looking anywhere but at her. Looking for an exit maybe. Clearly this conversation wasn't going the way he'd hoped.
"Don't what?" she asked.
His eyes met hers, "I call it asking you out!" he said. "It wasn't supposed to be a joke. I wanted to ask you out but I knew you'd say no, so I did it front of other people."
She shook her head, "That makes no sense!"
"I know," he said, and to her surprise a blush began to creep up his neck, "That's kind of why I stopped doing it."
"Oh."
"Yeah." He shuffled on the spot for a second. "So will you go out with me or not?" he blurted.
He looked so hopeful and not a little scared. It was so unlike anything she had ever experienced with him before that she couldn't help but take a moment to examine it. Where was the over-confidant prat? He was still in there somewhere, she felt it, but all of a sudden it was not such a repellent thing. It was doing something to his physicality. She was noticing his collarbone, the way his belt rested on his hips and the shape of his hands in a way she never had before. When had he grown up? And why had she not noticed it before now?
"Alright," she said quietly. It was almost a whim. She felt as though he were pointing out a new road she might like to travel down, one she hadn't perceived before, and she had to at least inspect it before continuing on her regular way.
"What was that?" he asked. He seemed confused.
"I said 'alright'," she repeated.
His eyes darted about and she had the distinct impression that even now he hadn't registered her words. She grew nervous. "That was what you wanted to hear wasn't it?" she asked, praying that this hadn't been some elaborate set up after all.
"Yes!" he cried, startling her as he got it at last. "Ha! Haaa! Yes!" He laughed and it was a joyous sound, both relieved and ecstatic, and she couldn't help but be drawn into it. She smiled with him and laughed too. "You really said yes?" he asked, still beaming.
"Yes!"
And suddenly his lips were on hers.
She was so shocked she didn't move at first, but slowly she became aware that his hands were on either side of her face, his fingers sliding into her hair. Slowly she moved to place her own hands on him, mirroring the action, and kissed him tentatively back.
The only word she could think of to describe it was 'sincere'.
And then it was over.
"I'm going to leave before you have time to rethink this," said James. A second later the door slammed shut behind him.
Lily stood still in the odd silence that followed, her heart beating loudly in her ears, part of her wondering if she might have imagined the whole exchange.
She put her fingers to her lips and smiled.
What had she done?