Chapter One: Selective Memory

People have selective memories. They can remember what they want to remember, and forget what they don't. Also, people who've gone through traumatic experiences tend to… well, forget things. People, memories, whatever. They usually don't forget everything, just certain things.

Apparently, I've been through a traumatic experience, it's just a shame that nobody – including myself – knows quite what that experience was. My memory has also decided to be selective, thus there are some things I can't remember. Quite a few things, actually; people and events, mostly. Apparently, I got knocked about a little, though so there were some things I forgot just for a few moments. You know, like when you wake up and then remember a couple of minutes later, something that you'd forgotten. Then there are these other things, which don't appear like they're going to be remembered anytime soon…

Let's backtrack a little, shall we?

When I woke up, I was in an oddly familiar place: I was in a hospital. This was a little odd, because I could swear I wasn't in a hospital before… And my head hurt like heck. The rest of my body was really achy too (I won't pretend it didn't hurt; it did. It hurt a lot.), but particularly my head. I didn't even know why everything hurt so much.

I first guessed something was badly wrong when I spotted the amount of people in the room. I mean, I've been in hospital before and everything, but I've never had this many people around, and definitely not all at once. I knew very few of the people, but there were some I didn't recognize.

I knew David, my stepbrother. I like David: he's really smart but doesn't show off or anything, and helps me sometimes. He, unlike most of the other people in the room, was grinning at me. He'd obviously realized I was awake. He didn't really say much to me, or anything at all actually, but he pulled on the sleeve of the strange man behind him, pointed at me and said, "She's awake." And that's when everybody else in the room started looking at me, all smiling. It was kind of creepy, actually. I scanned the room as swiftly as I could, to see if I actually knew anybody else. I did, but only one other person. The only other person I knew was…

"Jesse?" I asked groggily. I didn't even know if I could sound groggy before, but apparently I could. This, although it was only one thing, appeared to be the wrong thing to say. The people I didn't know were giving each other quizzical looks, and David was looking around like he was scared of something – or someone. Was he scared of the air or something? He was just looking around, seeming pretty much terrified.

Then all of a sudden, it hit me. I don't know why. I was just lying there wondering why everyone was looking at me like I'd suddenly spouted out a foreign language, and then it was just like oh yeah, I'm a mediator. Nobody else can see Jesse. It was just as well I did work this out and didn't say anything else that was obviously to Jesse, him being a person who didn't seem to exist to anybody else but me, because one of the people I didn't know who looked… well, about my age, said "she's delusional."

He didn't really sound all that concerned. He sounded… well, sort of amused. Like he'd been waiting for a day to prove that I was crazy or something.

Jesse and David both frowned at the boy, and David went into this lecture about how I probably wasn't delusional, but I wasn't really listening. I was watching Jesse. He was walking up to me, looking thoroughly concerned. "Querida, what happened to you?" He asked, seemingly bewildered that I was in this mess.

I was kind of bewildered myself, too, come to think of it. I didn't know what had happened, really. It was just… nothing. All gone…

"I don't know," I said, truthfully. This time, I had the sense to speak in almost a whisper, out of the corner of my mouth. I really didn't need people to have concerns about my mental well-being as well as physical. The only thing I could remember… was the falling. And the guy. He could well be the nicest person in the world, but he still looked like the devil to me. Why? Because I'd been falling and he'd just stood there. I may not know whether he was concerned or satisfied, but it didn't really make any difference to me. He'd still just stood there.

Seeing as I had no clear idea of what had happened, maybe he wouldn't have been able to help me. But he could have at least tried. Okay, I'm an independent person. I can fight my own battles and everything. But it doesn't mean that when I'm obviously in some sort of trouble, that everyone should just stand by. Maybe the 'everyone' is an exaggeration as there was only one guy as far as I can remember, but you know what I mean. It's just called decency, helping people when they obviously need help.

But did I obviously need help? Hmm. That was something to think about…

I guess things like that can often depend on people's perspective: maybe it seemed like I was fine, but somehow I highly doubted that. Maybe it was for my best interest I was left alone, the same way that it was apparently 'in my best interest' for… I don't know, seeing a psychiatrist because of my tendency to talk to myself. Even if I don't talk to myself, it might seem like that, but I still never thought it was in my best interests to be shut up with somebody who thought I was crazy.

Anyway, I did consider telling Jesse what I could remember. The whole falling thing. I know it would sound weird, and I had no idea what to say. To be honest, I took it a step further than considering, and said it…

…Or at least, I tried to.

I had no idea what I was going to say, but I thought I could at least say something even if it came out as a load of babbling nonsense… but no. I opened my mouth and said. "I can…" remember something about falling, is what I was probably going to say, but my mouth just seized up. Damn, don't tell me my mouth was injured too? Now I really wanted to know what happened – not that I hadn't before.

But, the thing is, I guess it must have looked intentional, as Jesse said "Yes?" in his soft tone of voice. The strange thing was that it wasn't. I did try to say it again, as my jaw had loosened again, but it became seized up again. I couldn't even get past 'I' that time. It was very strange, like it was a conspiracy or something. I couldn't really work it out: my brains were still in a scramble from the whole unconscious thing, so I just shook my head.

"Nothing," was all I said, shaking my head. Jesse frowned slightly again, and I first thought he wasn't going to believe that I'd forgotten or whatever, but apparently he did. I don't know why he changed his mind, though. My jaw was fine then. My whole mouth was fine then. Odd. Very odd, but I never had any idea of what had happened.

I was about to say something again, but Jesse spoke, saying, "Susannah, I must go and see Father Dominic." He leant down and kissed my forehead gently, smiled, and dematerialised.

I blinked.

I know, not the most intelligent thing to do, but I was still a bit – a lot – shaken by what was going on. It felt as if it was one of those out-of-body experiences, actually – not that I'd ever had one - except that I could still feel the pain, so I knew it was real. It didn't really make much difference, anyway; real or imaginary, it was still weird.

Anyway, David came over to me, with a bunch of the people I didn't know. They all seemed to have gotten over the whole thing of me seeming delusional, as nobody was looking the slightest bit amused now, not even that boy who had before.

"Suzie, thank goodness you're all right," said the woman. I was wondering dimly why on earth she was calling me Suzie. My name was Suze – well, all right, Susannah. But most people just seemed to call me Suze. The woman was smiling down at me, looking extremely happy for some reason I couldn't fathom. There was just one woman. She was with a man and two other boys. David seemed to be with them as well, but I couldn't for the life of me work out who they were. It was something I realized I probably should know though, if David knew them. But the fact remained; I had no idea who they were.

That was probably why I didn't tell them I didn't know who they were. The fact that I should know who they were, I mean. I didn't know what to say…

"I'm all right," was what I ended up saying. I know, I know, I probably sounded stupid but I didn't know what else to say. This was really ridiculous. I think that the fact it seemed so ridiculous was why I asked David, "Who are they?" to their faces. He knew whom I meant too, because I pointed to clarify that it was them I was talking about.

The woman and man, who had been smiling in something resembling relief, exchanged worried glances and their faces fell. I couldn't really read the expressions on any of the boys faces – David's included. It's no lie that I was very confused. I was beginning to feel like I knew them quite well, actually – not because I remembered them, but because of the concern they were showing. Well, the concern the adults were showing anyway.

Confusion is not fun. It's downright annoying, to be honest. I frowned. David wasn't answering my question. The woman tried to, though. Her words meant something, but I didn't know whether or not she was telling the truth. I didn't know whether I heard them right or not, to be honest, as the dull pain in my body heightened and I started to feel dizzy. Everything was spinning out of focus. I did not feel good…

…Suzie, it's me, I'm your mother…

My mother? I blinked. Was I hearing her right? Was she even saying it? The room was rocking crazily now. It was stupid: there wasn't even a reason why it was doing it. I felt sick.

I must have looked pretty terrible, as I could feel myself being shaken. Or maybe it was just anger. The woman sure seemed angry enough.

Suze, why don't you know me? Are you joking? I'm your mother, I'm your mother, I'm your mother…

That's all I could hear except a strange buzzing sound in my ears as the room completely tilted to one side and I blacked out.

Author's Note: Thank you very much for the reviews, guys. :) Any other commets would still be much appreciated.

Revised 07/01/06.