OOOO

See part 1 for disclaimer…

Part 9

After a minute, Mac spoke up and Harm thought that he might have some idea about what Mac was thinking.

"You and Cate seem to get on well," Mac commented.

"Yeah, well Cate and I have a lot in common. She lives away from home, too. Her family live in Glasgow, in the UK."

"There's quite an age gap between the two of you…"

"Yeah, don't remind me…I know, Mac, I'm getting old…"

"No, that's not what I was trying to say…"

"Yeah, I guess the age gap is quite significant, but that sort of thing doesn't matter. Sometimes people just click, no matter what age they are."

"Aren't you worried about what people will say?"

"What?" Harm questioned, "Why would they think about the age gap between friends?"

Mac just took a deep breath, then told Harm, "There's more there than just friendship there, Harm…"

"No there isn't, Mac…Cate and I are friends. Where is this coming from? I thought you liked Cate. Why are you suddenly all concerned about who I make friends with and who I get involved with?"

"So you're admitting that you and Cate are more than just friends?" Mac persisted.

"No," Harm maintained, "I'm saying that Cate and I are friends, but I'm not totally opposed to the idea of getting involved again, some day."

He quickly added, "With someone other than Cate. We'll only ever be friends."

Mac shook her head, unconvinced.

"Harm," she began, not knowing quite how to go about telling him this, "I've seen the way you watch her, the way you two look at each other. There is definitely more than friendship there. I don't know how you can't see this!"

"How was I looking at her?" Harm questioned, now looking truly puzzled. It was obvious that whatever this was that he was feeling for Cate, he had probably not even realised it himself.

"I don't know how to describe it…" Mac thought about it for a second, "When you looked at her, your eyes lit up, like you were truly happy or something…You smiled this smile, like you understood her, like you'd known her your whole life…like…"

Here Mac stopped as she looked back at Harm, trying to see if he understood what she was saying. She saw something dawn in his eyes, but he remained silent.

"Really, Harm," Mac continued, "Is it just me? Am I reading something into it that isn't there? No, there is something between you and Cate. I see it in her, too, I just can't put my finger on it…"

Harm still ventured nothing, so Mac reached out and took his hand, pulling his attention towards her.

"Harm, please tell me," she beseeched him, "I know you understand more than you are telling me…What is it?"

Harm remained silent and pale for a minute, then cleared his throat and spoke up.

"Umm… you know when we were first paired together?"

Mac nodded and Harm continued, "The first time that you told me about your family?"

Mac nodded again.

"You know how I told you that I had always been an only child?"

Nod.

"…Well that's not true."

"Yeah, I know; Sergei," Mac started, "but you had no idea about him, back then…"

"No…" Harm continued, "Not Sergei, Mac…I had a little sister."

Mac found herself unable to speak.

A few seconds later, she managed to find her voice.

"You had a little sister? When…?"

"When I was seventeen, Frank and my Mom found out that they were expecting a child of their own. They had been trying, but nothing had happened, so they assumed that it was too late. But then, a few months before my eighteenth birthday, Mom found out that she was pregnant. Since Frank travelled so much, I promised that I'd take extra special care of her while he was gone. Surprisingly, I loved the thought of having a little brother or sister. I'd always disliked being an only child. This baby was someone to look after and share secrets with, to spoil and side with against my Mom and Frank…But it never got that far. A few months after I turned eighteen, I got called homefrom Annapolis. Frank was away on business and my Mom had gone into premature labour. She was only six months gone and it was way too early, but the doctors couldn't stop the labour. When my baby sister was born, she weighed just over two pounds. This was in the days before cutting-edge neo-natal care. By the time that I managed to get to the hospital, the baby had been put on a respirator, but her lungs were far too under-developed. My Mom was having blood transfusions and was too sick to see me or the baby…The poor little mite, she was slipping away so fast. It scared me to the bone to think of being there on my own, watching her die, but there was no way that I'd let her pass away with none of her family by her side…So, after she was christened and given last rites by a priest, I got to sit down and hold her in my arms as she went. She was so small and fragile, but she looked absolutely perfect. All her little fingers and toes had formed...she was so perfect…I named her Ella, short for Eleanor, after my Mom's Mother. After she…well, afterwards, Mom and Frank never talked about her or about what had happened…I think that they just found it easier, that way. I think Frank still feels guilty, because he thinks that he wasn't there for his family and Mom feels guilty because she couldn't be there as her baby girl took her last breath…"

"Oh, Harm," Mac breathed, tears running down her face, "I'm so sorry…that's what you feel for Cate, isn't it?"

Harm nodded, telling Mac, "I guess I just wish that Ella could have had what Cate has, could have become what Cate has become. Despite a really tough childhood, Cate's done something incredible with her life, despite the fact that she's still so young. I guess, without realising it, I was acting towards Cate the way that I had hoped to be with Ella…They would be the same age, too."

"I'm sorry that I never saw that…Looking back, it all makes sense," Mac told Harm, revealing, "When I was staying with your Mom and Frank at Thanksgiving, I saw that polleroid photograph in your old room. I'm sorry that I jumped to conclusions before putting together all of the facts."

"I'm sorry, too," Harm told Mac, "I haven't listened to anything you've been trying to tell me, Mac, but I'm listening now. I'm sorry that I've been so stubborn. And I really didn't mean what I said, earlier today. I was just hurting, I guess and because of that I kept trying to hold you away."

"We've both been rather blinkered to what's actually going on around us," Mac admitted.

Taking a deep breath, Mac continued to tell Harm the story that had been circling endlessly in her head ever since she'd returned from Paraguay. It took a couple of hours, but she was glad to finally get it out, after months of procrastination. Finally, she concluded, "But there never could have been anything between me and Clay. He's a kind, decent man, but…"

Here, she took a deep breath then concluded with finality, "He isn't the man I love."

Harm just sat in silence for a minute, knowing what to say but not daring to say it. At the questioning in Mac's eyes, he spoke up, "So who, exactly, is this man that you love?"

There was no way he was going to make any presumptions now and get the dream dangling before his eyes tugged away.

Mac just burst into a teary laugh at this question.

"YOU!" she exclaimed, joking, "You know, for a lawyer, you really are a bit dense at times! Why do you think I'd fly half way across the world to be near to you…Why do you think I'd resign my commission to be with you?"

Harm gasped, "You resigned your commission! Why?"

"Because I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get us back. Even if we do start out just as friends again, I want to show you that I'm willing to do anything," Mac told him, honestly.

"But giving up your whole life…" Harm began to object.

"It isn't giving up my whole life," Mac interrupted him, "As long as I have you in my life, I'm happy…you are my whole life."

Harm just looked at Mac in silence, finally letting the last barrier crumble.

"Mac," he told her, his voice tellingly husky, "I'm so sorry."

As Harm pulled her towards him, her arm went willingly around his waist and she clung to him tightly.

For once, Harm felt like he could breath again.

Now that they finally had the time to themselves, they could talk openly and freely without any interruptions.

OOOO

Things had improved considerably between them by the time that Harm and Mac got back to Sepadan, the next weekend. Harm took Mac's hand as he helped her from the speedboat over onto the jetty pontoon and didn't let it go, even after they got onto solid land. Looking around, the two of them were surprised to see that most of the British Red Cross aid workers were nowhere to be seen. Harm stopped Ridwan as the man was passing.

"Hey, Ridwan. Where is everyone?"

"They inside the aid worker hut. Cate packing her stuff up, Harm-man."

"What?" Harm exclaimed and Mac frowned, disconcertedly.

Gently pulling Mac by the hand, Harm made for the aid worker's accommodation, basically a mud-walled building with a tin roof. As they made their way inside, they could see that all of the aid workers were congregating in the hallway outside Cate's room. Only Cate's roommate was inside with her, although the door was ajar and everyone was peering in, curiously.

"Cate?" Harm approached, gently, "What's wrong."

Cate turned away from the backpack on the bed, which she was feverishly packing her clothes into. Her eyes were still quite wide with shock and still tearing and Harm could see that she had been crying, but it appeared that she was over the original shock that had brought about this sudden change of heart.

Cate took a deep breath and stated the obvious, "I'm leaving."

"But why?" Harm exclaimed, "You love it here. It's been your home for the past year. Why not wait until the Red Cross moves you on?"

"I can't stay here," Cate insisted, "I've got to go."

"Where are you going to go?" Mac asked, softly.

"Anywhere but here," Cate replied, then contemplated, "When I first got here, I could see myself staying here forever…But I guess things change, sometimes…"

"Cate," Harm insisted, trying to be practical, "Where are you going to stay? Think about this."

"I'll stay in a hostel," Cate replied, airily, "I have got a bit of money together in my time here, you know."

"And the children?" Harm stopped her short, "You're just going to leave them? You know they love you. How can you just decide to up and leave?"

Cate paused to contemplate what he was saying. But instead of softening her resolve any, it just cemented it further. Mac saw the barriers go up and just like that, her eyes appeared guarded and wary. Once Cate had finished putting clothes into her bag, shedrew in the drawstring, stapped thetop shut and lifted it onto one shoulder.

"No," Harm stopped her, grabbing her arm as she went to walk past him, "I am not letting you walk out of here until you have explained to me what is going on."

With that, he escorted an angry Cate all the way to the canteen, where he persuaded her into a seat. As he and Mac took seats at the table next to Cate, Mac finally realised with unbelievable clarity exactly what it was that she saw in Cate eyes. Cate was scared and she was doing the only thing she knew how to do; run. Mac knew from experience that in a situation like this, Cate probably saw running as her only option. But why?

"Alright," Harm told Cate firmly, "I'm not letting you leave this village until you tell me what is going on."

"Back off," Cate warned him, "I know you mean well, but this has nothing to do with you two. Talking it through with you isn't going to help at all. I know what I'm doing here. I know you see me as a coward and a deserter for leaving the children like this, but that is so not it. I think this is going to be better for them…"

"What? How could you possibly think that?" Harm persisted, "Cate, I've been through enough sticky situations to know that this is not the answer. Why are you doing this? Who's made you think that you aren't good enough?"

"You wouldn't understand," Cate maintained.

"Try me," Harm insisted.

Cate took a deep breath and spoke again with emphasis.

"NO! There's nothing you can do about this, Harm. This is my problem, I know how to deal with it. Please just let me get on with it."

With that, Cate stood up from the table and strode off towards the jetty. Harm let out a deep breath in anguish.

"What do you think is the matter?" Mac asked him.

"I don't know, but whatever it is, it's got to be big. Cate loves the people here, especially the children. She wouldn't leave without a very big threat."

OOOO

The weekend passed without Cate. By the time that Harm and Mac made their way to the jetty, on the Sunday evening, Cate had still not come back to Sepadan. Harm was really starting to worry, since he knew that Cate had very few friends outside the aid workers of the village and (apart from himself) none at all in KL, the nearest city to the village. He and Mac spent a very tense dinner that night going over unspoken fears in the back of their minds. Mac was just carrying their dirty dishes into the kitchen, when the buzzer went on Harm's front door.

"I'll get it," Harm told Mac, as she made her way out of the kitchen, towards the door.

Harm let out a gasp as he opened the door to find a wet and bedraggled-looking Cate on the other side.

"Hey," he greeted her, pulling her inside, "What happened to you? Where have you been these past two days? Mac and I have been worried sick about you. Are you alright?"

At Cate's silent nod, Mac left to go and get some towels out of the bedroom, so that Cate could dry off.

"I've been sleeping rough outside the British Embassy...I need to get my passport renewed," Cate told them, beginning to ramble, "They wouldn't let me in. They probably thought I was a terrorist or something. They've been on high alert over the past couple of weeks. Then I finally get up the nerve to come here and it starts raining! Who knew monsoon season would start this early?"

"Here you go, Cate," Mac told her kindly, wrapping a towel around her, "You're going to catch cold, wandering around soaked, like that."

"Thank you," Cate thanked her, quietly.

Harm guided her to the sofa and sat her down, taking a seat next to her.

"You want to tell me exactly what is going on?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Cate relented, actually glad now to have somebody to talk to.

After Mac had taken a seat beside her, Cate finally explained, "I'm sorry I was in such a mood the other day…I just didn't know what to do."

"You don't need to do anything on your own," Harm comforted her, "Mac and I will help you in any way we can."

Cate nodded in understanding then continued, "I got a letter on Saturday. It was from my Mother. It seems that she's been trying to trace me for some time, now." Cate's voice began to shake at the mention of her mother and she very obviously fought to try and get it under control.

Harm and Mac remained silent, listening to what Cate had to say first, though Mac supposed that, from what she could read into the situation, Cate's relationship with her Mother was probably the same as her own relationship with her Mom. As Cate continued, Mac found that she was even more right than she could have imagined.

"Things between my Mother and I are strained, to say the least. They always have been. Most people can say that they have a good idea of who their Mother is, but I'm afraid that isn't the case with my Mother. I barely even know her. But I know enough to know that, for as long as I can remember, my Mother has flitted off, whenever it took her fancy. . I spent much of my young life in my Grandmother's care, because my Mother had done another disappearing act. But more often, she tried just taking me out and getting shot of me that way. The first time it happened, I was only a month or two old. She pushed me into a hospital accident and emergency department and left me there. It was only when she went to visit my Grandmother, two weeks later, without me that my Grandma got the truth out of her and persuaded her to go back to the social services to get me. And being the stupid bastards that they are, social services gave me back to her! Imagine the trauma that I could have been spared if I had just been placed in a nice home with a nice family. But no, I went back to the dingy one-bedroom flat in the roughest council estate in Central East-Scotland, to wait for the next time the stupid cow abandoned me; that was when I was six months old, then again when I was a year old, then again when I was two. It happened on a regular basis from then on. In the mean time, she found a new boyfriend and eloped abroad to marry him, leaving me with my pensioner-grandmother. The poor old lady had heart disease and was constantly crippled with arthritis, how was she meant to take care of me I don't know. A day before my Mother and my new Stepfather got back, Grandma had a heart attack and died and I couldn't get help. I wasn't even three yet, I couldn't manage to open the lock on the front door and we didn't have a phone. The telephone company had cut it off because my Mother never paid her bills…I still remember that week as the worst of my life. Finally, when I was twelve, my Mother decided that I'd be better off without her and disappeared again. I got left with my alcoholic Stepfather, to fend for myself. I was doing pretty well until I turned sixteen. Then my Mother decided to get in touch again. She even talked about coming home. That's when I split. I got myself a passport andbought a ticket and came here. The Red Cross took me on as a volunteer, agreed to give me training and teach me Malay. These last few years have been the happiest in my whole life…and now this…My Mother says that she's going to come here and see me. She says that she's got her life in order again, that she's divorced my Stepfather and has remarried. But I'm not interested. I don't want to see her, I just want to get on with my life."

"Are you sure that's what you want?" Harm questioned, gently.

"I'm positive," Cate insisted, "I feel no desire whatsoever to see her again. Every time she left me, she would come back, promising that she'd changed, swearing to me, "It will be different, from now on." And it would be, for a while. She'd really try to be a normal Mother, to take interest in my life. Then, she'd get bored with it again and she'd disappear. Maybe it wouldn't so bad if she only ever left me. But it wasn't like that, was it?"

Harm and Mac didn't realise at first what Cate meant.

Cate continued, "She didn't just leave my life. She removed me from hers. It's one thing to run off and leave your own child. But it's completely different if you take your child out and abandon them somewhere. It's not that she didn't want to be a part of my life, it's that she didn't want me as a part of hers. An innocent child, her own blood...and she didn't want me..."

Cate sat in silence for a moment, contemplating. Mac felt her heart ache with sympathy for her, because she knew better than anyone where Cate was coming from. But she could also see what Cate meant. As much as she faulted her own Mother for leaving her with her alcoholic father, Mac appreciated on some level that at least Deanne had never tried to remove her from her life. She had thought of her daughter every day that had passed since she had left, missed her every single minute, but had thought that Sarah had been better off with her Father. Was that how Deanne had phrased it?

Poor Cate. She had been through so much in her short life, more than any child should have to. Mac felt like crying all the more when she realised why Cate had thought the people of the villageand their children would be better off without her. Cate thought that she wasn't good enough to be a part of someone's family or their life. She had been told so every time her Mother had attempted to remove her from her life.

"I definitely don't want to see her," Cate spoke up, resolutely,"When she wrote to me when I was sixteen, to tell me that she was coming home, I sent one right back to her to tell her not to bother. But she did anyway. I knew she would, that's why I left. I called the house from the airport and my Stepfather told me that she was already there waiting for me to come home and welcome her back with open arms. I told him that I wasn't coming back, that I never would. Then I hopped onto my flight here. I'd never felt so free, so happy. It was like this weight was lifted from my chest. Now it feels like she's come and placed it right back on again."

"You could phone her," Mac suggested, "and tell her how you feel. Tell her that you need space."

"That wouldn't work," Cate dismissed, "She'd come anyway. I know she would. It would be just like it was when I was a teenager. I just can't seem to escape her."

"You can't run away from everything in your life, Cate," Harm pointed out.

"You did," Cate raised a fair point.

"Yes, I did," Harm admitted, "but eventually I couldn't run anymore and had to face things. In the end, they seemed to turn out for the better."

"There'll be no happy, fairytale endings for me," Cate told them quietly, "Things just don't work that way in my life."

Mac just gave into her overriding impulse and pulled Cate into a hug. Finally, Cate gave into the feelings and emotions that had been bouncing around inside her, all of her life. She broke down and sobbed like the little girl she still really was, deep inside. When she had finally gotten it off her chest and gotten herself together again, Harm pulled her into asupportive hug of his own.

"Let's just deal with the important things, first," Harmdecided andasked Cate, softly, "Whatabout goingback to Sepadan? Do you think you're up to that?"

"I think," Cate said softly, from her place in his arms, "that I want to go home...But tomorrow. If I could, can I stay here tonight and go home tomorrow morning?"

"Of course you can," Harm told her and got up to go and get the spare sheets for the couch, from the linen closet.

"Uh, Harm," Mac approached him, quietly, a few minutes later, "Who's going to take the couch?"

"Cate is," Harm replied to her, obviously having some logic in mind that Mac didn't.

"Where am I going to sleep?"

"In my bed."

"With you?"

"Yeah. I promise, I'll be on my best behaviour, Mac."

As he disappeared back into the living room with the sheets, Harm perked to attention at Mac's next comment, which was said quietly, probably not meant for his hearing.

"It's not your intentions that I'm worried about."

He heard it and he couldn't help smiling.

OOOO

Okay, this has been the longest chapter yet, but I just couldn't find any other logical place to finish the chapter off. Hope you all enjoyed!