AN: again, thanks for all of the great reviews! This is the second to last part in this story. I'll be posting the last part sometime tonight...
OOOO
Harm and Mac had not been asleep long when they heard the knock on the apartment door, very likely set off balance by the events of the day. Harm stumbled out of bed to answer the door, while Mac took a moment longer to wake herself up fully. Harm got the surprise of his life when he opened the door to the sight of a shell-shocked Cate. The young woman stood in front of him for a second, staring unseeingly at some point inside the apartment.
"Cate? What's wrong? Are you alright?" Harm brought her out of her reverie.
Cate startled back to the present and looked up to him, seemingly in shock.
"What is it, Cate? Are you okay?" Harm repeated, this time with greater emphasis.
"Huh? Oh, yeah…maybe…I don't know…" Cate simply told him, suddenly uncertain herself.
"Come on in, come talk to us about it," Harm opened the door wider and Cate caught sight of Mac making her way out of the bedroom, dressed in a robe."
Cate backed up, realising the situation for the first time.
"Oh, … I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here…It's way too late, I don't know what I was thinking…"
Harm quickly stepped forward, grabbing Cate gently by the shoulder.
"No, Cate. It's no problem, really. Come in, we can have some coffee and talk about this. It's okay, really."
Cate looked at him, then Mac, unsure at first. Eventually, after assessing the situation, she gave in and allowed herself to be steered inside.
"What is it Cate? Is there something wrong?" Mac asked her gently, as she patted the couch beside her, inviting Cate to sit.
Cate took the proffered seat then gave a deep sigh.
"Yeah, I think there is…I think I may not have been totally fair to my Mum…" she told them.
Both Harm and Mac noted the way Cate referred to her Mother. This was the first time either of them had heard Kim being referred to as 'Mum.' Giving Cate a kind, encouraging look, Mac put her hand over Cate's, but said nothing, not wanting to push Cate on the subject.
"What I said about her this afternoon was true," Cate continued, "She did leave me in a hospital when I was six weeks old. She did leave me in various supermarkets and high street shops, when I was between one and three. But that wasn't a full picture of my Mother…Up until now, I thought she was childish and irresponsible, all of the time. That was why I've been so angry, all of these years. I couldn't get past all of this anger. But, by telling her all of this, this afternoon, I think I've managed to see further through it. I'm not saying that I'm past it, that I don't feel it any more. But I can see beyond it. Tonight I remembered something. When I was about three, I was really sick and my Mum had to get help. And she did…she was a grown up, she was responsible. She was everything that I needed, everything that a Mother should be. And until quite recently, I thought that I was nothing but a burden to her. I was wrong, I can see now that it wasn't what she thought I couldn't be. It was what she thought she couldn't be. What she couldn't be for me. She didn't think she was good enough for me. She was so frightened of failing me. You know what she said, though? She said I was her whole world. That's what she said; 'she's my whole world.' I can see now, she was young, she didn't know what she was supposed to do. She was too scared to try, because she didn't want to let me down."
"Your Mom did tell us that she's always had self-esteem issues," Harm told Cate, "She took care of you, when you were sick?"
"Yeah, when I started having fits because of the fever, she couldn't call anyone. My Stepfather was gone, my Grandmother was dead. My Mum was all on her own. She was scared witless, but she did what she needed to do, she brought me to someone who had medical training and who could call an ambulance. She was so scared…"
"Your Mother was only eighteen years old," Mac added, " yet she did what she had to. I'm not surprised she was scared, any parent would be, even veteran parents would be."
Cate nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, she kept me calm, singing to me while we were waiting for the ambulance. It took so long to get there, but my Mum kept everything under control. I can't remember her ever being like that again, while I was growing up, just that one time…not that I remember of, anyway."
"When things are good, we sometimes take it for granted," Harm pointed out, "We remember the times most when things spin out of control."
Cate nodded, agreeing, "Yeah, I know. Before today, I couldn't remember my Mum ever being a proper Mother. But I know that she was, that time when I really needed her…It's all made me think, I don't know very much about my Mum at all…"
"Is that something that you think you could ever see yourself doing?" Mac asked her, gently.
Cate just sat and pondered, silent. Inside she was agonising, in turmoil.
Should she let this person back into her life? Could she? This was a person who had caused her a lot of hurt, over her twenty-two years of life. Internally, her body was conditioned to recoil, to avoid any further hurt. But what if this was a chance worth taking? Could she do this? Suddenly, Cate thought about the preliminary, more practical implications to be considered.
"How am I even supposed do that anyway?" Cate asked, in response to Mac's earlier question, "She's probably on a plane back to Glasgow, by now. Even if she isn't, how will I find her? I don't know where she's staying and I can't check every single hotel in KL…"
"Your Mom's at the Shangri-La," Harm cut in.
At Cate's questioning look, he explained, "It came up in conversation."
OOOO
After a good half-hour of contemplating, Cate finally crossed the room and hesitantly picked up the phone. After a couple of false starts, she called information and got the number for the Shangri-La hotel. After ascertaining that her Mother was still in the hotel and wouldn't be checking out until the next day, Cate crashed on the couch, to try and get some sleep, however futile the suggestion seemed. And to her surprise, Cate did sleep.
OOOO
It was early the next morning that Kim Anderson made her way out into the lobby of the Shangri-La hotel. She took a deep breath and made her way to the hotel reception desk, resigning herself to the fact that she would be checking out and journeying to KL International Airport so soon after arriving. Had she known this would happen? "Yes," she told herself. Subconsciously she had known. Her husband Jamie had told her that things would go fine, that Cate would accept her for the wonderful person that she really was, deep inside, just like he had done. But secretly, there was still that overpowering voice inside her head, telling her, "No, why would she want someone like you? You're a mess, a sad excuse for a Mother, for a human being. Always have been, always will be. A leopard can never change its spots." How had she ever thought that this could ever be any different? Sure, the people at her self-help group had told her that she had everything going for her, that she was in control of her own fate and destiny. But they were wrong. She was beyond help. Now, she just had to go home and hide herself away. Stop destroying people's lives. Had to stop inflicting herself on people. How could Jamie even stand to be with her?
She avoided eye contact with the hotel manager on the reception desk.
"Leaving us so soon, Mrs. Anderson-Scott?" He asked her.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. Things to do…" Kim trailed off.
"Well, please come and stay with us again. We'll always be glad to see you. Sometime soon, maybe?"
"Perhaps…we'll see," Kim answered, her tone non-committal.
She walked away after handing over a generous tip. She wouldn't be needing it, not now that she was leaving. She didn't even have any idea what she would do once she got home. Go back to life on her own? Perhaps that would be best. Goodness knew, she would never be able to make anything work with Jamie. Sooner or later, she'd mess that up, too. Breaking it off sooner would save him the pain. God, would she ever be able to do anything right?
Kim had been absorbed in her self-depreciating as she walked out to the automatic front doors of the hotel, towards the taxi pick-up point, where her bags had been dropped off. Just as the doors opened with a quiet swish, Kim was confronted by the last person she expected to see.
Cate had the same hair, same eyes, same mouth and pretty much the same build as her Mother. She and her Mother were pretty much identical in many of the aspects of their physical appearance. Both halted dead in their tracks, face to face. Kim's mouth dropped open a little, though her brain was unable to generate any words. Cate was the first to speak.
"I was unfair to you," she told Kim, quietly, "You weren't all of those things I told you…"
"No," Kim interrupted, her brain caught up, "You were right, I was all of those things. I was a terrible Mother."
"Maybe, at times, but not all of the time," Cate cut her off, determined to have her say, "I realised that I know very little about you."
"I never stayed around long enough," Kim dismissed, "I never gave you the chance to get to know me. It's probably better, I'd have just messed it up anyway. You were better off without a Mother."
"No, no I wasn't…But that's in the past, now," Cate insisted, "We can deal with that later. I don't know that I'm ready to have a Mother, yet…"
"Wise choice, Petal," Kim smiled as she went to move around Cate.
"But I want to know who you are. You're a person, too, not just my Mother. Do you think you could deal with that, letting me get to know you as a person? Getting to know me, as a person, too?"
Kim just stood and stared blankly, for a minute. Slowly, she spoke up.
"There's nothing I'd like better than to get to know the person you've grown up to be…But it's not something I deserve…I'd only mess it up, like everything else I've ever managed to do in my life."
"Maybe I think you do deserve it. I think it's something you can do," Cate disagreed, firmly, "In fact, I think that it could turn out pretty well."
Kim just looked at her, only half-convinced, so Cate continued.
"Please, don't leave again…I think that we could make this work…Don't think of this as you and me; mother and daughter. Think of it as Kim and Cate; two haphazard, crazy chicks, out to have a good time in KL. Could we give this a try?"
Kim felt the compulsion to say yes, but held back, thinking of every time she had managed to bungle the situation;
In Glasgow Royal Infirmary, when Cate was six weeks old; in Tesco's supermarket, when Cate was barely a year old; again when Cate was a year and a half, in Debenham's, a high street shop; when Cate was not even two, when she and Tam had eloped, leaving her sickly, ailing Mother to care for her child. No, Cate deserved better than this, better than her.
"I remember."
At first, Kim didn't comprehend what Cate had said. She leaned forward, as if to strain and catch some kind of explanation in the silent air between them. When Cate said nothing, Kim's head tipped to the side of it's own accord, mirroring the same action in Cate, the day before. Her puzzled face changed to one of comprehension, as she regarded Cate's rich, expressive eyes, eyes so like her own, eyes that she alone could read. Not that time when Cate was about three? Was that what Cate meant?
"Wuh…" she garbled, fishing for a word more appropriate. None were forthcoming.
Cate nodded, knowing exactly what her Mother was thinking.
"You were a Mother, that time…A Mother to be proud of, despite the fact that you were only eighteen years old…You see what you can do, if you just stand up to the challenge? You didn't fail that time, did you? You got everything right. You didn't even have to think about it. You just went with your instincts. You can be a good Mother. All you have to do is let your fear go for a minute, stop thinking so much…What do you say?"
Kim couldn't say anything. As a tear trickled down her face, she simply smiled.
OOOO
A few weeks later, Harm awoke as the first rays of the sun filled the bedroom. Looking to the pillow beside him, he focussed on Mac's face, close beside his own. He felt the breath catch in his throat as he regarded her silently.
"My God," he thought to himself, "It's been weeks now and I still can't get over how beautiful she is."
In her time with him, she looked much better-for-wear than she had when she had arrived. Though she was as svelte as ever, she didn't have the gaunt look her frame had displayed, after months apart from him, worrying about him. She was sleeping much better now, too. Better than she could ever remember. Her problems most likely stemmed from her troubled childhood, when she was kept awake at night by her parent's fighting. Perhaps she was now finally truly happy…But Harm knew that there was one thing that still really bothered her; her family back in DC. Their family in DC. Every time Mac made a phone call to Harriet, Harm noticed a faraway look in her eyes, as Harriet recounted amusing tales of little AJ or baby Jimmy. Harm only had to see the look on Mac's face and he knew. He couldn't force her to stay in KL. She wanted to be with him, that was true, but her life wasn't here. Despite what she had said about him being her whole life andher being happy as long as she had him in her life, Harm knew that Mac felt like a spare part. She didn't have a real purpose here. She didn't know the way of life, didn't interact with all of the people through work, as he did...No, it wasn't right of him to keep her here. He was going to have to make a tough choice.
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