Hiding Under the Ninth Earth
Book 03 : Epithalamium

Part III : The Beginning of Forever
Chapter Thirty Seven : Uncharted Waters

Monday 27 October 2003 HST (Continued)

Ben almost felt guilty about waking Severus and Harry this morning, but the overseas Owl late last night from Aunt Poppy had been quite specific. She was worried about them--their lack of sleep and steady sustenance being top on her list.

When they'd blessed the house yesterday, Malia had suggested they tie the wards around it to their own so they could monitor for intruders when Harry and Severus were away; Ben thought this a good idea since they couldn't exactly hide the house or Obliviate the whole community. From the stirring of the wards around the Snape-Potter home, he knew their two friends had arrived a little after three in the afternoon; with the time in Hana twelve hours behind Scotland and assuming they would have been exhausted, he'd been concerned they wouldn't bother to eat.

So fifteen hours after their arrival, with no word from their two friends, Ben and Kalani reckoned they'd fulfilled list item number one and they set off to rectify item number two--namely breakfast. Buying the fish from Kimo, fresh off his brother's tuna boat, had been quick; grilling them had taken the work of a few minutes since they, like Harry, wanted them really moist. While Kalani had manned the old rusty Weber, Ben had made the fried rice in a cast iron skillet seasoned years ago by his mother; as it browned, he scrambled the eggs, then cleaned the papaya he'd cut earlier from the trees in their backyard. The coffee finished dripping about the time the tea kettle went off and Kalani, bringing in the mouth-watering fish off of the lanai, set it down to assemble the baskets--one for them, one for their friends.

After delivering the meal and making enough noise to wake the dead, Ben and Kalani had sprinted away, jumping off the lanai like two naughty boys ringing the neighbor's doorbell. They settled off to the side of the house, where they spread a blanket overlooking the ocean and set out their own meal. Kalani had wanted to wait until Severus cooled down and go back to eat with them, but laughing, Ben had reminded him of their own honeymoon. Blushing, Kalani allowed they might not want to eat 'breakfast' first and tucked into his eggs without further argument. When finished, he packed all of the breakfast debris back into the basket, saying he going back to the shop to get the roofing materials and tools ready for transport. Ben kissed him, knowing the trip was just an excuse; Kalani was, as usual, giving him his early morning thinking time. He watched until Kalani disappeared from sight and sighed, wondering how he'd ever got so lucky.

Listening to Harry and Severus' chuckles and quiet conversation from the lanai, Ben thought on the remainder of Poppy's letter. Aunty had intimated (although she'd been exceptionally lacking in details) that some 'things' had happened before and after the wedding. Things that might have changed Harry and diminished Severus.

Ben knew more about diminishing than he ever cared to know, and, intimately, what it could do to a person. Ever since the fishing accident in July, with his now imperfect magic, Kalani had fallen back on his Muggle skills as a carpenter, which was how he'd always made his living when not working at the hotel. While he slowly learned how to 'borrow' new magical skills from their 'sharing', Kalani's labour had become his salvation as he'd thrown himself into it, the resulting work exquisite as if he was using one to compensate for his loss of the other. And Ben encouraged him; it was a positive outlet for Kalani's continuing frustrations.

His husband's most recent project had been 'the bed'. Kalani had gone deep into the mountains to harvest the wood, Ben and some neighbors helping him bring the raw timber to his workshop. Because of the small time available between the Banns and the Bonding, they'd trolled through Joseph's library until they found a spell (which Ben helped Kalani cast) to season the wood. Over the remaining few weeks, Kalani had cut, planed, turned, assembled, and finished the whole thing by hand. Malia and Kahealani had sewn the netting to keep the insects out; Ben and Kalani had hung it.

They'd all traveled to Kihei (Malia driving) for the mattresses and bedding; their ancient truck, rarely used and held together by a thread and a spell, barely made it back on the road to Hana laden as it was. When the bed was finished, even Ben had been stunned by its beauty. Running his hands over the fine koa wood the first time, he could feel the love imbued into its very fiber from all of them. Certainly it was a bed where no bad dreams would ever dare enter.

When he could hear no more voices, he figured it might be time for him to make an appearance. He checked his watch; yep, it had been almost an hour and a half since they'd left the food. Standing, he shook and folded the blanket, brushing the sand blown up from the beach off of his shorts. He pushed the blanket through the rails onto the lanai and, walking softly, peeked around the corner of the house to spy Severus and Harry sitting quietly on the bench up against the wall. He was about to call out when a hand fell on his shoulder. Jumping, he squelched a yelp when he whipped around to see Kalani grinning at him, a pile of tools at his feet.

"Gotcha," Kalani chortled, kissing him. "Thought for sure you'd heard me clinking my way over here."

"Why you--" Ben muttered, kissing him back, his heart still pounding.

"Ten points from whatever misbegotten house spawned you for snogging in the--garden." Ben looked over to see Severus standing with his arms folded severely over his chest, his mock glare belied by a small smile. "And another ten for your cowardly evasion of the detention I was going to give you earlier for disturbing our well-earned slumber."

"Don't we get points for breakfast?" Kalani whined playfully.

"I never give points," Severus said haughtily, his nose in the air.

"Except to his Slytherins," Harry said, coming over to stand in front of them, "which means further begging from us is pointless." He jumped off the lanai at the broken rail and reached for both men at once, unashamedly hugging them. Ben looked over Harry's shoulder at Severus and smiled knowing the taciturn man would never be so open, but he didn't mind--that Severus smiled was affection enough.

He pulled away and called out, laughter in his voice. "So, Severus, what was our detention? Cleaning the cauldrons? Packing the storeroom? Fixing the roof?"

Severus blinked, an evil smirk creeping up his lips. "Cleaning the girl's loo--with a toothbrush."

While Ben laughed, he could hear Kalani ask Harry, "Lu?" When he got Harry's snickering reply, Kalani looked wildly over at Severus, saying, "Ewwww. That's just nasty."

Ben climbed up on the lanai to stand next to Severus, placing his hand on his shoulder. To his surprise, Severus did the same, saying quietly, "It's good to see you, Ben. I had planned on spending time with you both before the wedding, but I--" he hesitated "--got side-tracked."

Ben nodded. "It's OK. I wasn't much concerned knowing we had this week together." He looked over at Kalani and Harry in avid conversation. "It's good to see them so easy with each other again." He turned his head back to his friend. "Kalani's so shy, although you'd never know it to look at him; it's--unusual--to see him so animated outside of family."

Severus nodded, paying attention for a moment to the two younger men. "Harry's much the same way. I take it Kalani has had--difficulties--adjusting?"

"You could say that. In fact, I was wondering if I could steal you sometime this week for a small while. Thought you might like to go riding and I wanted to talk to you about something without Kalani around 'listening in' so to speak. I know Harry's not too keen on the horses and thought maybe he might prefer keeping Kalani company in the shop."

Severus studied him a moment. "Tomorrow would be best, perhaps. Once we get started on the roof, I don't want to stop until we get it done."

"That works. My friends won't be available to help us lay the sheathing until Wednesday in any event."

Severus eyed the lanai. "That reminds me--I've been thinking of adding to the house. Which would be better? Up or out?"

Ben mulled it over. "It would have to be 'out'. This close to the beach there are land-use ordinances limiting height so one doesn't ruin the 'view plane' of the people living behind you."

"An upstairs would disturb the neighbors?" Severus asked curiously.

"Might. I'll ask Gary tomorrow morning--he's on the planning board." He eyed Severus dubiously. "Surely you're not planning on doing that while you're here, are you?"

"I'd thought so. I realise you said we needed to limit the amount of magic we do, but I'd thought we could at least add a small suite one night. We've been thinking about inviting Albus and Poppy out here at the end of the week, and the house is too small for visitors. Albus hasn't been--well--and Harry thought the sunshine might cheer him up."

"It might. Aunty's been giving us updates about his 'condition'. Doesn't sound too promising, though." He paused, thinking on it. "You know, they could stay with Malia. She and Joseph have plenty of room." When Severus shook his head and shot a glance at his husband, Ben suddenly understood. "How's Harry holding up? Must be rough on him."

Ben could see Severus formulating--and discarding--several replies before he finally settled on, "It's been hard on both of them." He turned his gaze fully to Harry as he murmured, "Time away from Hogwarts would be beneficial if only to heal some recent hurts between them--beyond Albus' illness." Returning his serious regard to Ben, he asked, "So is it possible?"

"Well, we'll need to rearrange some things, but sure, we can do it," he replied with a grin. "I'd assumed we would spend today cleaning up the house and planting the garden--" He stopped at Severus' raised brow. "Or not," he finished, chuckling. "Want a honeymoon, do you?"

Amused by the twitching of Severus' mouth, Ben continued, "Can we at least get the roofing materials over here today? If we shrink them, it shouldn't take too long to bring them over. Oh, and get your house habitable? You wouldn't believe what we banished when we cleaned yesterday--definitely not 'things' you'd want creeping in the sheets."

As they turned to join Kalani and Harry, Severus replied dryly, "You'd be surprised what I've found creeping in my sheets over the years." When Ben snickered wickedly; Severus rolled his eyes and gave a long-suffering sigh. "I do live in a dungeon, you know."

Kalani looked up quizzically when Ben shuddered, saying, "Let's not go there, OK? Suddenly our little centipedes look downright friendly."

"Oh, did you tell him about the red one we found yesterday? Ho--that mother was this big," Kalani said, holding out his fingers about eight inches apart. "As big around as my thumb."

"A red centipede?" Severus asked excitedly as they started walking to the Chan's home. "You have many around here?"

"Yeah, and the blue ones, too. Now those hurt." When Severus stopped and stared, Kalani asked innocently, "What? You need them?"

Severus shook his head, obviously tempering his first response when he bit his lip. "Yes, centipedes of any kind have uses. The large ones are very expensive, though, and they die in our cold, so I don't keep much stock."

Ben cleared his throat. "Do you need them dead or alive?"

"Both if I can get them." Ben could hear Harry chuckling--over Severus' eagerness he assumed.

Kalani laughed. "No problem. Aunty's always on me to come over and take them out of her garden--they like to hide in the wet soil under the lettuce. Might be hard to catch them live, though--they're fast buggahs." They reached the road and, after waiting for a few tourists to stop gawking, crossed. Walking backwards on the smooth shoulder, Kalani looked sheepish as he asked, "Eh, Severus? Is it OK if they don't have their heads?"

Eyes narrowed in confusion, Severus asked, "And why would they have no heads?"

Kalani grinned. "Oh, usually you scoop and flip them on a shovel and then smack their heads with a hammer or a rock. Bit messy, but it works every time." When Harry scrunched up his face in disgust, Kalani laughed. "So? Is this a problem?"

Severus sighed, shaking his head. "No, I think I can live without heads."

Ben hid his smile when Harry muttered, "I can't."

And the morning was fine with Kalani's burst of laughter.

After they'd cleaned up from the morning's exertions transferring the roofing materials to the back lanai, Severus and Harry had climbed into the bed (now properly placed in the bedroom) to rest during the day's worst heat. Severus couldn't help but notice the 'looks' Harry kept sending his way. Looks he knew well. Harry had something on his mind, something he was deeply afraid would upset him--usually with good reason. However, that never stopped Harry from asking.

"Severus?" Harry asked carefully, half laying on him, his fingertips running down Severus' side to play with the hairs by his knee.

It really wasn't fair, Severus thought. Harry's hands felt so good, but his voice felt so bad. Alerted more by the clear picture sailing into his head than the tone, Severus lifted his head to stare at him. He plopped it back down on the pillow. Oh good gads, they were going to go through this again. He should have expected it.

Harry pulled away, startled at his lover's reaction. "What?" he asked with some asperity.

Severus rolled over to face him. "You're sending 'graphic' images."

Reddening slightly, Harry said, "Oh. But you know, I was thinking--"

"--Always a dangerous thing for a Gryffindor to do--" Severus muttered.

"--Severus! Behave. This is important."

"Very well. What were you thinking?"

"Hmmm. Well, if we can feel each other's pleasure and pain--"

"Yes--"

"And pleasure can override pain--"

"Ummm hmmm. Go on--"

"Do you think the bond would make it possible for us to get past our previous 'problems' to, um, you know?"

This was certainly uncharted waters around a familiar island; question was, did he want to wade into it? "I have to admit, you may have a point," Severus said cautiously, thinking maybe he could talk Harry out of it. "But is it even worth it to try?"

"Well, if you don't want to--"

Severus stopped him with a hand on his mouth. "Harry, I have already enjoyed the admittedly extreme pleasure of topping with you. However, if you'll recall, the issues or 'problems', as you say, were not ones of physical pain or pleasure, but of memory and fear. Given that you had a nightmare as recently as last week about this very thing, are you truly ready now to overcome the emotional response you had the last time we tried?"

When Harry stared at him, his face flushing, Severus realised what he was really asking. "Of course, a case could be made that you have not yet had the--opportunity--to experience that particular pleasure--"

Harry nodded, his face showing his hesitancy. "It is an awful lot to ask of you. It's just that--"

Severus sat up, holding up his hand. He needed to think. Why did Harry worry this issue like a dog with an old mouldy bone? And why now? Surely he knew, with all they'd been through and their bonds, that he loved him, but that he had issues with having sex this way. He didn't want to bottom anymore than Harry did.

"Maybe this is a bad idea--"

"Hush, I'm just thinking," Severus said more harshly than he intended, but if it could buy him some quiet to think past the rising irritation, he wasn't quite sure he regretted the tone. "We already know your issues, I'm just considering my own."

When Harry nodded slightly, staying still, Severus made himself calm down and look at it rationally. It was true the only things, at least that he knew of, preventing Harry from topping were the pain penetration brought (although he normally felt nothing after a while), not to mention a real problem he had with domination. In fact, 'just thinking' about it sent a cold frisson of near panic down his spine; he didn't know why he felt this way--it was just something he normally avoided. But he did know the prohibition was so deep and profound he was unsure if the bond, filled with Harry's love and passion for him, could overcome those problems to make it a pleasurable experience for them both. The real question was whether he was willing to risk it.

He climbed out the bed, needing to pace. Vaguely he heard, "Severus, if you want, we can just forget ab--", cut off as he slashed his hand down through the air demanding quiet. He heard Harry's restless rustling behind him, but he didn't feel the need to comfort him for his abruptness; it was a little late for Harry to retract it now.

Did he want to? No. Would the bond would make a difference? No, he didn't think so--it might make it more pleasant, but he couldn't see where it would override the rest of the flotsam that went with it. Would he do it anyway, for Harry? The mere thought made him queasy. Would Harry understand if he said no? Only one way to find out.

"No."

"Pardon?"

Well, maybe it was a bit blunt. "No, I do not want to bottom." Wonderful--that was so much better.

"Why not?"

Severus sighed. There was that old bone again--he was quite sure the question slipped out with little to no thought. Patience--he needed to be patient. "Does it matter? You asked my opinion and I have given it." He stole a glance at Harry, hoping--no, still not satisfied. "This seems very simple to me. We made a mutual agreement about our sexual preferences, namely penetrative sex. We both agreed we had deep-seated 'issues' with it. We both agreed not to engage in that particular venue of sex out of respect for ourselves and each other. You have raised the question about the bond's role in our decision; a valid question to which I have given a valid answer."

"I don't understand. Why would you think this?"

Knowing how single-minded Harry could be when he'd sunk his teeth into something, Severus held onto his temper as he explained stiffly, "I concede that one facet of the bond does and has enhanced our physical relationship, one which has, to this point, brought mutual satisfaction; however, I do not believe the bond will make any difference in this respect because it is not a physical abhorrence we are both facing, rather it is an emotional one caused by problems and circumstances outside ourselves. With this in mind, you still asked the question, and I have given my answer--no. What is there not to understand?"

But Harry pressed on. "What makes you afraid to try it?"

Damned bond! No, he shouldn't say that--so far it had brought him nothing but pleasure and a sense of belonging he desperately needed. But he hadn't known it would let Harry strike so close to home in reading him. Especially on this issue, now, when he didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to remember what he'd tried to forget, didn't want to drag into the light those very things he was ashamed to see, things he didn't want Harry to see lest he think less of--

"Look, Severus. All I want is a straight answer; why are you being so secretive about this? Why can't you tell me?"

"I am not," Severus replied defensively, "being secretive. But I do have a right to my privacy, even from you. You used to know that. How could you have forgot so soon?"

"It's not an issue of privacy if it affects me, too."

"How the hell does this affect you, other than you can't bugger me?"

"Well, we're arguing for one thing, with you over there and me over here, instead of christening this bed the way we should be," Harry said with a sad smile. He was not going to be redirected nor distracted from his decision. He turned away to pace again. Harry called after him, "And it's not about the sex anymore, Severus. It's about honesty and being open with each other."

"Honesty? I have given you honesty. I said no! To have said 'Yes, Harry, I would love for you to fuck me!' would have been the lie."

But the stubborn prat obviously wasn't going to be side-tracked either. "No, you haven't been completely honest. You've told me nothing I haven't already figured out for myself. I deserve an explanation about those things affecting our relationship to each other that I don't understand."

He'd had it. It was far too late to stem the growing anger as he shouted, "You don't need to understand everything! You don't need to know every sordid detail, damn it! All that is necessary is to accept me--As I Am. Sometimes that is all I can offer." Gods, why did this hurt so much?

"I do accept you as you are," Harry retorted, his voice rising.

"Oh, really? And you show this how? By badgering me for a response to a question I've already told you I can't answer? This is your idea of acceptance?"

"I do not question who you are. I accept you fully. I am questioning what you are saying, or not saying. I do not accept your keeping me ignorant of things that are important to you--to us."

"Ignorant? I have told you more of my sorry life than I have to--to anyone. I have bared my self, my soul to you. You want more?"

"No, you haven't. I can feel you hiding something. I can sense it. Something I need to know to understand you better. If I don't know it, how can I avoid making mistakes with you? Gods, Severus, I don't want to hurt you--if you don't tell me the things that hurt you, then I always will and I won't find out I've done so until it's too late, and the damage is already done. I don't want that."

Harry crawled off the bed, his intent clear. Severus couldn't--he was too raw--the emotions sizzling through him would only burn Harry if he touched him right now. He walked out of the bedroom into the living room, trying to get space between them. Harry stopped in the doorway, slumping against the frame. Quietly, he said, "I thought we were supposed to share all the aspects of our lives, both the past and the present. I've shared everything with you, told you everything. Why can't I expect the same in return?"

White hot, the anger flowed through him. How dare he brag about his openness, his honesty. "Like you told me about your schooling? About your mastery? Oh yes, my love, you were so open and forthcoming. So honest."

Harry flushed, whether in embarrassment or anger Severus cared not. "That was then; we're talking about now." And how typical was that?

"No! That was then, and THIS shall remain then," he ground out, enunciating every word.

"I think you're overreacting."

"And I think you're being extremely insensitive. I said no. I have stated all the reasons I feel are necessary. Is this not enough for you? Why do you continue to doubt and discount MY feelings, MY reactions?" He whipped around to confront Harry head-on, his voice low and dangerous. "Or do you 'discount' them? Are the petty concerns and insignificant feelings of the poor old greasy git, to whom you have magnanimously bestowed your largesse, so low, so base, they are not even worthy of your smallest consideration?"

Harry's eyes went wide, his face ashen, as he cried, "No, Severus. Never. I would never think that. How could I? I love you, damn it! I've seen what Voldemort did to--"

Panic, full blown panic filled him and in its wake, Severus could almost see it come down--a heavy wall between them, blocking Harry from him, blocking the bond. He staggered in place, barely righting himself. Oh gods--he'd cut himself off from Harry, his lover, his mate. What had he done? Could anything Harry wanted be worth this--this loss. It hurt, a heart pain coursing through him as if half of him had been ripped out by the roots of his soul.

"Are you happy now," he snarled to himself, storming for the door. As he was about to leave the house, he turned to face Harry, the emptiness aching within him. Defeated and unable to stop the words coming out of his mouth, he said, "I can't fight with you about this anymore. I can't talk to you until you see, and fully accept, that sometimes the things you want from me, I can't always give you. I'm sorry, but I--oh gods--I'm just sorry."

Harry took a step to the door. Severus closed his eyes to the pleading confusion in Harry's voice as he cried, "Severus! Don't leave. Don't do this! We need to talk. We always talk--don't we? I thought I was your friend."

"We're not talking if nothing useful is being said," he said sadly, turning away. As he quietly closed the door behind him, Severus whispered, "And I thought I was your husband."

The lanai was uncomfortable and drafty, but not as painful and cold as this separation. Severus shifted, trying to find a better position on the futon he'd brought from the outside storage closet to sleep on. He'd tried the chairs earlier, but the curves hurt his back, so he settled for this thin mattress, a pillow, and a blanket to try and provide him with some solace and rest where there was none.

How had he let this happen? How had he lost all control over himself this way? Even in anger he'd always been open to reason, or maybe that had been as much of a self-delusion as his thinking that anyone could accept him as he was. And perhaps that had been the greatest delusion of all, fuelled by his desperate need to be loved--that Harry could do so without question.

He put it aside and gazed out over the top of the rails at the sky beyond. The stars were beautiful tonight. They used to be warm and so close one could almost touch them, especially when seen through Harry's eyes while making love under them; now they were cold and distant. A breeze stirred across the old wooden boards. It used to feel like hands caressing his skin pressed tight to his lover's; now it made him shiver with the chill of loneliness.

Would they ever get it back? Or had he broken it? Could he fix it? Not alone he couldn't, and not without Harry's cooperation. He knew this now. His delivery could use a little work, but the message was the same. Harry had to understand that they were two different people, with different needs, and that what satisfied one terrified the other.

Fundamentally, these differences were what had come between them. With each passing day, the bond opened them up more and more, pushing and prodding them to see and know and feel everything about each other. It would not allow them to blindly accept anything anymore, demanding instead a total mutual trust based on the truth of reality and not conjecture. This was its honesty.

Harry had already embraced the bond with an enthusiasm he could not match, and until he could overcome his own inhibitions and deeply embedded instincts, he never would. He knew he'd looked unflinchingly at Harry's past terrors and failures, but for him to bare his own? No, this he could not do--not yet anyway.

It was that simple and that difficult. He could not so easily comply with the Harry's and the bond's demands for openness. Perhaps later, but right now he felt like a man held for years in total darkness being pulled abruptly into the harsh blaze of the noon sun. He needed time--time to adjust his sight and perspective, to let the light seep into the dark places, illuminating them softly without glare, without the pain and the tears. He'd feared everything else in his life; he didn't want to fear this, his relationship with Harry, as well.

And until Harry could see this, could accept this, could let him take it at his own pace, and curb his impatience, then they had nothing to talk about and were left with nothing but this gaping emptiness.

The door to the lanai snicked softly as it closed. He could feel the vibration of Harry's feet through the futon. He felt them stop near him and he rolled on his side away from the sound. The sigh reached him as the thin mattress dipped, the other body lying behind him. Another blanket and pillow joined his. A tentative touch to his arm made him shudder with longing, but he couldn't ask. It wouldn't be fair to ask.

"I'm not talking so you don't need to listen," a voice whispered in the quiet. "The bed won't let me sleep in it alone, I swear." The hand on his arm slid slowly down until it rested on top of his hand, the fingers stroking and curling through his lovingly. "I made the mistake once of not touching you, I won't make it again." He believed it--it had been a mistake, a terrible mistake that had cost Harry more than he should have had to pay.

"I love you, Severus," was followed by a soft kiss to the nape of his neck, the body so close he could feel its warmth on his back. He was cold in spirit and heart. He was tired of fighting and being separate. He entwined his fingers in the hand of his lover, shifted his body back to touch the body of his mate, lifted the hand in his to his lips where he tasted the palm of his husband before wrapping their arms close around him, both holding tight.

And the night was no longer so empty.

TBC