Chapter 15 – And then it dawned
Disclaimer – Not mine, never will be etc. etc.
A/N – Firstly, I hope all of the folks here in the US had a wonderful Thanksgiving (is your tummy still full?) and I hope that everyone else around the world simply had great week. Secondly, thanks to everyone who sent get well wishes – unfortunately the little bug(ger) that got me doesn't seem to want to leave so I'm still a little under the weather.
Finally, I promise that once I feel better, I'll rewrite the chapters that I have written while ill if they are sub-par. I just wanted to keep the plot moving rather than waiting!
Sam and Jack avoided each other all day. She stayed in her lab the entire time she was on base, which in itself was not so unusual. However, Jack could only be found in his office doing paperwork, which anyone could tell you, was extremely unusual. Or at least he told people that he was doing paperwork.
He was in fact staring at the wall wondering what he was missing. He recognized that he was pretty dense where affairs of the heart were concerned but he was well and truly perplexed by Carter's outburst that morning. What the hell did she want from him? She knew the regs didn't allow for them to be together romantically, not that he had ever shown much deference towards the regs for a great deal of his military career.
But he knew that Carter did hold the regs up to be adhered to, even those with which she didn't necessarily agree. She made that very clear after the zay'tarc incident when she asked for their feelings to be kept in the room. He also knew how difficult it was for a woman in the military, especially for someone so young who held such a high rank. He'd heard one too many rumors in regards to his and Carter's "relationship" and he didn't want to give anyone ammunition to use against her.
If only she could feel the same as a woman like 'Dorothy'. That a relationship with him would be "worth the risk". Worth exploring the connection they felt in private, without the pressures of making life altering career decisions based on a heart felt wish that this was their 'happily ever after'. Jack knew in his heart that they were meant to be and, as he had explained to Dorothy, he had already tried to give up his career for her. He knew that the frat regs weren't going to change, at least not in his lifetime, and in most cases he felt that they shouldn't. An exception shouldn't be made for him.
If only he knew how Sam felt. She obviously cared for him but how much was she willing to risk for him. He wasn't naïve and, having been married and divorced, he knew that sometimes love just wasn't enough to make a relationship work. He had never actually sat down with Sam and asked her what she wanted from life but he knew she had worked way too hard in her professional life to give it up for a man. And an over the hill man at that!
He loved her so much but would never want to hurt her. Ironic really, he thought, since that was precisely what it seemed he was now doing. He had been a fool to get his hopes up and knew that he had to come up with a way to re-bury their feelings or else risk the future of SG-1.
Meanwhile, in her lab Sam was silently fuming at herself. Why the hell had she over-reacted like that she would never know. If he wasn't suspicious about her behavior before, he certainly would be now. Jack had shown himself to be relatively backwards in the romance department but this was getting beyond the ridiculous!
Her plan to have 'Dorothy' get to know him better had backfired. Her 'Plan B', which involved having Dorothy give him advice had maybe gotten her a couple of good meals but had it really been worth it? She had earned herself two amazing, but heart-breaking kisses, which left her for the first time truly understanding what she was missing by not having a romantic relationship with Jack O'Neill.
She found herself contemplating the Tennyson quote "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all". And as she sat staring at the piece of technology on her desk, she was erring on the side of "never loved at all". With that in mind, she made a rash decision. She was no longer going to subject herself to either relationship, or the hurt that she knew they would bring her. Neither the Jack/Sam one nor the Scarecrow/Dorothy one.
She couldn't bare to face Jack that night so she would apologize in the morning again and would respectfully request that they return to their usual professional relationship. That night she would log on one last time as Dorothy to day goodbye to Scarecrow. She couldn't dream of hearing one more gut wrenching confession of love from him and knew she needed to make a clean break. She would always know that he loved her but wasn't willing to take it any further than an unrequited yearning.
Sam left the mountain on the dot of 18:00 hours without having seen Jack since they argued that morning.
Around thirty minutes later, T'ealc decided that it was simply too unsettling for him that O'Neill had been in his office since early that morning. He found it even more perplexing that he didn't take him up on his offer of cake in the commissary in the middle of the afternoon, something that could always be relied upon if they were on base.
He knocked firmly on the Colonel's office door and entered with determination once he had heard the familiar "It's open!".
"Good Evening, O'Neill", he said opening the conversation with his typical sense of formality.
Jack looked up with a quizzical expression. As usual he could discern nothing from his friend's face so he simply said "Hi'ya T. What's up?"
"You have been in your office for a great deal of time today," the Jaffa answered without breaking a smile.
Jack had no idea where T'ealc was heading with the conversation so he merely responded by shrugging his shoulders and saying "Yeah, I know. Paperwork!"
"I see. Would you care to join Cassandra Frasier and I this evening for "dinner and a movie", asked T'ealc, which, with his sheer bulk, seemed more of a demand than an invitation.
Never the less, Jack was in no mood to hang out watching sci-fi with a couple of aliens.
"I'm sorry T, but I'm really busy and …"
"O'Neill. I know that Cassandra Frasier would enjoy your company since you have been unable to visit her in quite some time," the hint of irritability audible in his voice.
Jack put down the pen he was holding, but did not look up to look at the face of his visitor.
"Well … what movie are you guys gonna watch?"
"'The Wizard of Oz'. Cassandra received it as a present from Major Carter for her birthday and I have yet to have the opportunity to view this film. I am told that it is a classic", T'ealc replied with sincerity.
Jack's head snapped up to look his friend directly in the eye.
"Carter gave Cassie a copy of 'The Wizard of Oz'?", he asked barely hiding the sinking feeling that was beginning to overcome him.
"Indeed. She told her that it had always been one of her favorites".
And with that one sentence, everything became sickeningly crystal clear for Jack.
"Look T. I'll pass for tonight. Ok", mumbled the Colonel, trying to contain the emotions that were now writhing around within him.
T'ealc pretended not to notice the distress that was now evident on O'Neill's features.
"As you wish, O'Neill. I will leave you to your … paperwork".
And without skipping a beat, he left, closing the door gently behind him just as Jack began typing frantically on his computer keyboard as if his whole life depended upon it.
As he was walked down the corridor, T'ealc heard a cry of "Son of a bitch!" and a bang, followed by a sharp crack, as something shattered against the Colonel's office door. He paused for a moment, raised an eyebrow, shook his head, and continued on his way.