Hiding Under the Ninth Earth
Book 03 : Epithalamium

Part III : The Beginning of Forever
Chapter Thirty Nine : A Paradigm is Just a Nickel Short of a Quarter

Tuesday 28 October 2003 HST (Continued)

Severus had enjoyed this spot last summer when Kalani had brought them up here to go sliding. Private, the lush forest surrounding it made it feel as if they were the only two people on earth. The crystal clear water, sweet to the taste, was shallow enough to easily see to the bottom, which at its deepest came to his chest; it was cold, but one got used to it after a while. The wide waterfall off to one side, started from a rocky ledge a few hundred feet above to fall gracefully into the pool below churning the water at its foot into a white froth. On the opposite side, the stream the pool fed wandered off in a series of long shallow drops; it was here that Kalani had shown them how to use the thick cardboard squares to slide down the resulting white water to the next pool hundreds of feet below.

True to Ben's word, Severus was able to clean up, although he had to admit he'd never had a more unusual bath before in his life. He worked the lather up in his hair, impressed that the soapy substance had come directly from a plant Ben had collected on their way up. In fact, despite Ben's earlier teasing, it had been his friend who'd stopped 'every five feet'--a ripened red mango here, a plump papaya there, several tiny but fat bananas, and one odd little yellow fruit he'd tried (unsuccessfully) to reach balanced standing on the back of his horse. Severus had barely suppressed his laughter at Ben's sheepish expression as he'd coolly pulled his wand and brought down two of the starfruit Ben wanted.

Further on, he'd climbed into the foliage on the side of the path to harvest four pods of Awapui which resembled nothing less than tightly closed, bright red pine cones. Breaking the heavy blossoms in half had yielded a white juice with which he now bathed. Finished, he moved to the side, letting the roar of the waterfall cover his howls as the icy water, fresh from the higher altitudes, rinsed the soapy sap off of him.

When he came out, Ben just grinned at him as he cut the fruit he'd harvested with a wicked, long-bladed knife he'd carried sheathed in his pack. Severus dried quickly sitting in the sun, his skin smelling almost sweet from the plant. He briefly wondered what Harry would make of it and slumped on the rock he was sitting on in defeat. No, he wasn't going to be able to forget for very long.

"You all right?" Ben asked quietly, not looking at him as he stripped the mango away from the hard core.

Severus sighed. He supposed he owed Ben some sort of explanation. "I'll be fine as soon as Harry realises that what he wants from me is something I can't give him right now."

"Oh? And may I ask what could Harry possibly want that he doesn't already have?"

Well, it was his own fault, making such an open-ended statement. Haltingly, Severus replied, "Harry wants me to 'give' him--well, actually tell him something he already knows."

Ben lifted his head from his task to gaze at him seriously. "And he 'already knows' this because you've explained it clearly to him or because he's managed to piece it together from little things you've dropped over the years?"

"Both, I suppose. We've discussed bits of it ad nauseum, I'd thought, or at least as much as I'm able to without opening some very old wounds."

"Hmmm. Difficult for you both. At the risk of dragging this farther than you want, can I assume you don't want to tell because it has something to do with your past?" When Severus nodded dolefully, Ben continued, "Never easy that. And you've not told him 'everything'?" Again Severus nodded, unable to voice what the problem truly was. "And Harry 'pushed'?"

"I don't know why it upset me so this time, he always pushes, as you say."

"Ah, yes, maybe, but before it was only verbally. Now you have a bond between you. That changes everything. Now he can feel everything you feel but can't see, unless you let him. And I suspect, given how much like Kalani you are, 'showing' him is the part you don't want to do. Am I right?"

"As usual," was all he could say.

Ben looked to the side, obviously debating something within. "Hmmm. You know, I understand where Harry is coming from. Want some advice?"

"Not really, but you're going to give it to me anyway, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I guess I am because I've been through this; every bonded couple I know has. It's not fatal, even 'severing' the bond, as you said. Can't begin to count the number of times Kalani or I have cut the other off because we were getting too close to things that really hurt inside." He hopped into the water, wincing and letting out a whoosh of air at the cold.

Severus chuckled. Served him right. Wading over to him, Ben brought over a paper plate with the cut fruit on it. "Nothing better than messy fruit you can bathe off after eating," he said, putting the plate down on the rock before hauling himself up onto it, not too close, but close enough that if someone else came along, they wouldn't overhear them.

"It's about validation, my friend, and you can stop me anytime you want--but only if I'm wrong. So let's see. Harry has been an open book with you, there's not much you haven't seen of his past, not only because he's so young, but also because it's not in his nature to hide things." Severus opened his mouth to speak. "Eh, none of that--his mastery was another thing altogether and you know it." Severus had to agree. "So the bond comes along; Harry feels 'this' and you can connect it to things in his past that explain it to you. Harry feels 'that' and it's the same thing." He ate a slice of the mango, the juices dripping down his chin. Reaching down, he scooped up some water into his hand, rinsing his face off.

Picking up a piece of papaya, he pointed it at Severus. "Now you, my friend, are another matter altogether. You have a history, one that started long before he was born and got interesting while he was just a baby. And you? You keep things inside tighter than a drum and you're pricklier than a cactus sometimes." He chuckled. "Anyway, Harry feels 'this' from you and he thinks he knows what the problem is, but he's not sure. Harry feels 'that' from you, and he still isn't sure because you haven't told him what he really needs to know."

"And what is it he needs to know?" Severus asked with asperity.

"See, there's that cactus again, and I can tell you that because I have zero stake in your relationship. But Harry? To his mind he stands to lose everything if he makes the wrong move because you'll bite his head off at the slightest invasion into what you consider 'your-life-thank-you-very-much'."

"I do not bite off his head!" Severus spat.

"No, you're too busy trying to chew mine off." He smiled. "It's OK, Kalani will put it back on."

"Sorry."

"No harm done. See?" He rotated his head on his neck. "Still attached."

Severus had a sudden vision of Nearly Headless Nick and smiled.

"You're going to have to give on this issue eventually, Severus. I know it's hard--I've watched Kalani struggle with it for years. And I know you need time. Harry needs to learn patience, something I suspect he's a little shy of, but you're going to have to show him, fully reveal those episodes of your past that make you feel the way you do. He needs validation; you need purging. Whatever the issue was that started this whole thing must obviously be important to both of you--" he held up his hand "--and no, I don't want to know. I'm not that curious. That's Kalani's department."

He rinsed off his hands and rubbed them dry on his swim trunks. Ben's gaze bored into him, the seriousness of his expression sending a shiver down Severus' spine. "However, I will say this. Perhaps you've been so busy protecting those sordid memories of yours that you've lost sight of one very important little fact. I was there, Severus. I Felt It. I know how deep your bond is with Harry. Hell, we ALL knew it. And you could not have bonded with Harry as deeply as you did if BOTH of you did not have absolute trust in the other!" He paused to let this sink in; Severus was stunned when he continued with raw anger in his voice, "So--just who is it you don't trust, my friend? Who the fuck are you afraid of? Harry? Or yourself?"

Ben pushed off the rock abruptly and swam to the far side of the pool, leaving Severus to his raging thoughts.

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Ben wasn't very happy with his anger there at the end, but it had been an automatic reflex and he knew some apologies were due. While he was quite sure his husband's 'secrets' were nowhere near as serious as those he suspected Severus concealed, the stubbornness at revealing them was definitely the same, something he'd been fighting for many years; the irate response was just a part of it.

His temper firmly back where it belonged, Ben swam back over to Severus, heartened by his thoughtful mein; hopefully he hadn't pissed him off too badly. He really did need to talk to him. Standing on a rock under the water, Ben ducked his head, embarrassed that he'd lost control. "Ah, I'm sorry--didn't mean to--"

"It's all right, Ben. I underst--"

"Sheesh, you're a tough crowd. Do you even know how to accept a full apology?" When Severus just stared at him, Ben grinned. "Now do you think you can shut up long enough for a body to get a word in edgewise?" Good, he had his attention, although that brow thing of his was annoying, but since everything about Severus was a package deal... "OK, then. I'm not sorry about what I said, but I probably could've said it better and you certainly did not deserve my--irritation. It's just that--eh, never mind--it's not important. It was a knee-jerk response; I'm sorry I got angry."

Severus was obviously waiting to see if he was finished before he replied drolly, "Apology accepted. However, you didn't just bring me up here to discuss my--habits?" he ended with a question.

Ben hauled himself back up on the rock and, after shaking the water off his hands, ate a slice of starfruit. "Yes, there is that," he said softly. Where to begin. "Ah," he looked off to the side, "can I speak frankly here? I guess you figured I wanted to talk about Kalani?"

Severus nodded, "That was my assumption when you said you didn't want to speak to me where your husband could 'listen in'. As to speaking 'frankly', I did not assume you brought me all the way up here to prevaricate."

Chuckling, Ben said, "Assuming anything about Kalani and me can get you into trouble. We're slightly kapakahi." Now that he'd got Severus up here, he didn't know where to start. It had seemed fairly simple to him when he first thought of it, but now? He ate another slice of the sweet starfruit, spitting the seeds into the water when he finished. Surprised and somewhat relieved at his friend's silence and neutral gaze, Ben began, "Last summer, when Harry healed Kalani, I didn't know he'd also healed some other--ah, things--beyond his obvious injuries. But what I did notice was that right afterwards, Kalani was more physically--affectionate--than he had been for--well, for quite a while." He could feel heat fill his face--damn it, he hated it when he blushed.

"Anyway, at first I thought it was because our bond was--tighter--than it had been before. You know--some of the--physical--ah, side-effects of a bond--they can be pretty amazing and when you're both in tune? Aia! I guess I also thought it was Kalani's way of--avoiding--any confrontation about his--limitations--by distracting me. After a while, we went back to our more normal--ah, routines--sometimes less, especially when he'd get really frustrated with his loss of magic and would shut me out. You know what I mean?"

Ben didn't think he'd ever seen Severus at a loss for words and hoped he wasn't embarrassing him too much. But he really needed an answer, one he couldn't ask Harry directly. Thoughtful, Severus said slowly, "I believe so. I've personally--withdrawn--physical affection--when I've been extremely upset with Harry and I certainly know of what you speak when you say 'physical side-effects' of a bond, although I've don't view it in quite that manner, but perhaps that will change--it is still rather--new--in my experience. You are implying it is more than Kalani's--frustration, though. What's the problem?"

"I am indeed. It got pretty bad a few weeks ago, about the time Kalani started working on the bed. He'd leave early, come home late--I just figured he was concentrating on it because he was OK otherwise, but he'd come home--exhausted--and just fall asleep. It got worse, and every time I'd get close to an answer, or I 'pushed' a little on the bond to try and find out what was going on, he'd shut me out. Over the years, it's not so hard to do and Kalani has always been a very private person, but this was getting old fast, so about four weeks ago, I finally confronted him on it."

He remembered the argument; it had been vicious. They'd not had one like it since the one on their honeymoon and it had scared him. "Took me a few days to wheedle it out of him, but that's when I found out about the things Harry healed, one of them being some rather serious rectal damage called a prolapse, I think." Damn there was that blush again. "I was really pissed that Kalani had never mentioned it to me before and wasn't planning on telling me now."

"But with the bond, how could he hide it?" Severus asked incredulously.

"Oh that's actually pretty easy. He 'rode' the bond--used my pleasure to cover his own discomfort. It's not hard to do at all." And that had hurt when he'd found out. To him it was almost like lying.

"Isn't that a bit dishonest?"

Ben laughed grimly. "Trust you to see it that way--so did I. But he can't hide it anymore and I can tell it's starting to really bother him again. It hurts him to the point where I can feel it, now that I know what I'm looking for."

"How can I help?"

The almost horrified, quizzical expression on Severus' face was one Ben would remember for a long time. Severus Snape, sex counselor. He decided to rescue him. "I just have two questions. Should I ask Harry to look at Kalani again? And if I do, how can I approach Kalani about this? I haven't a clue how to broach the subject, but I'm worried. The problem has only been 'fixed' for a few months and it's already coming back with a vengeance, maybe worse than before."

He looked away. "I don't know what to do, Severus. Kalani is so touchy about his privacy, it will be difficult to approach him; he'll look on this as a gross invasion, since it's his body and he's always felt it's his decision what to do with it." Looking back at Severus, he was glad to see him frowning thoughtfully. "It's especially hard to know since sometimes I think he feels his control over his own person is all he has left now that most of his magic is gone."

Severus stared at nothing. Ben broke the heavy silence. "I'll tell you what. I'll get the rest of breakfast out. You, think. Deal?"

"A cup of tea would be most appreciated," Severus said, bemused.

As Ben unpacked the sack, he stole a few glances over at his friend. His face gave nothing away; this was not a man with whom he'd play poker. After a few minutes, Severus waded across the pool to take a seat on a rock near him. He took the black tea Ben had prepared and, sighing with what Ben could only assume was pleasure, sipped the beverage, deep in thought.

Ben had consumed a cup of black coffee before Severus asked quietly, "Is all your sex anal?"

Ben couldn't have been more shocked if he'd stuck his finger in a socket. Was this a trick question? "Ye-esss. What else would we be talking about?"

Severus chuckled, replying, "You'd be surprised what one can do when both partners are true, dedicated tops and both have serious issues with both penetration and being a bottom." He took a sip of tea, glancing sideways at him.

Huh? Ben stared at him and then it dawned on him what Severus was really saying. Incredulous, he asked, "You and Harry?" Ben couldn't believe it when Severus nodded. "But--how do you--handle it?"

"It's really very simple. We don't do penetration."

"Ever?"

"No."

"Never?"

Grim, Severus' face changed. Ben suddenly wished he'd never brought it up; this was obviously a touchy subject. "Only once. It was not--pleasant--for Harry, although I admit I enjoyed it. I have--physical damage--that prevents Harry from topping. And we both have--personal--issues--with being a bottom."

Without thinking, Ben asked, "Can't Harry heal you?" He put his hands over his mouth--stupid idiot! "I'm sorry--none of my business."

Severus shook his head. "You said frankly. That has to work both ways. To answer your question--I've never asked. It would be pointless to do so. The--damage--is too old and still has too much of Voldemort's intent in it to heal it." Severus faced turned bleak as he murmured, "He promised me a lifetime's retribution for my defiance." He glanced at Ben and hesitated. Then determination filled his face and he continued. "The memory of how it was damaged is ever present; it never goes away. Harry's never asked outright, but I think he knows now as pieces of the memories recently became as much his as mine--" he looked away and said so quietly Ben thought he must have misheard him "--although I never thought he'd invoke them."

Invoke them? Something stirred in the back of Ben's mind, but he pushed it back for the moment, knowing it would come out when it was ready. "But what do you--do--instead?"

"Frottage, oral--things you probably only consider foreplay." A secret thought and a small smile flitted across Severus' face as his eyes glazed momentarily. Something he especially liked to do? Or have done to him? Damn he wished he had the balls to ask. Well, why not? The worst he could do was tell him to go to hell.

"What are you smiling about?"

It had to be a fluke, he must have startled the answer out of him. "Kissing. Harry likes kissing." Then, as if he realised what he'd said, his lips thinned and he remained silent, his stare the equivalent of shaking a finger at him, saying 'Bad boy!' He unexpectedly chuckled. "Surely you've used the physical 'side-effect' of the bond, as you call it, to your advantage before? Even before we were bound, our sex life satisfied."

"Except once?"

Severus hesitated. "We tried three times. Twice when we first got together, once later. It was miserable."

"I'm sorry."

Ben didn't expect the sharp flash of angry impatience that disappeared as soon as it came. But it prepared him for the intensity of Severus' question. "Tell me, Ben, which is more important? The sex or the closeness?"

"Both, I suppose."

"Fair enough. And if you could have only one thing out of your physical encounters, what would you want? That one fleeting moment of orgasm or the hours of contentment that follow?"

That was an interesting question, one he found surprisingly easy to answer. "The contentment."

"Precisely. This is a lesson I've learned from Albus over the last few months as he's weakened. When the body no longer quickens, when the touching and the closeness are all that is remaining, it's all right because that is the part that endures forever. One can touch until one dies, but the sex is only for when one is able to do so." He looked at his tea cup. Ben took it from him. As he poured the water, Severus said quietly, "And when one is like me, unable to participate in what most consider the only way to have 'real sex', to find someone who is not only willing, but prefers not to do it at all is priceless."

His wistful tone added to the thoughts in the back of his head and he began to wonder if this had something to do with the fight Severus was having with Harry. But now was not the time to pursue it. "OK. Assuming I agree with your premise, how can I tell Kalani we're not having anal sex anymore without making him feel inadequate?"

"I've found the unvarnished truth often helps. Might be uncomfortable in the beginning, but in the end?" Was that a joke? "Sorry, didn't mean that quite the way it came out," he said with a rueful smile.

Ben chuckled--didn't think so.

"But who says you have to give it up entirely? Perhaps Harry can refer you to a specialist who can repair the damage and from there you agree to a lesser frequency for Kalani's continued health." When Ben didn't respond, Severus exclaimed in exasperation, "Surely you're not saying that the two of you don't enjoy anything but anal?"

Ben grinned. "Oh, no. There's other--aspects--of sex we both enjoy. I don't know. I think I'm more worried about his reaction to all of it. He's so sensitive about this sort of thing, even after all these years. I mean he's like all of us, he sometimes ties his value and worth as a person to how he perceives his desirability as a mate and partner physically."

Severus looked at him in surprise. "People do that?"

"What? Equate personal worth with physical desirability?" When Severus nodded, Ben added, "Sure. All the time." Ah, he hadn't expected that. "And you don't? What do you base your worth on?"

"What I have done and accomplished, or not; my successes and failures are what build my value as a person."

"Ah, then you are either very lucky, my friend, or very blind. Most of us aren't that strong and need validation from other people--almost like a mirror to see who we are." Severus was leaning towards him, his concentration intense. Could this be the reason? "Are you saying that how Harry views you has zero effect on how you feel about yourself?"

Severus started--got him! "No, of course not, but--"

"'But' nothing. We all do it; some more than others maybe. Which is why I'm worried about Kalani. I'm afraid that if I tell him I don't want to have sex the 'old' way anymore, he won't see the real reasons, but only the ones he's built around it. Kalani's a true bottom. He views his body as a means of expressing affection, of giving me something of himself when he can't say it any other way. I understand what you're saying, and I agree--to a point, but Kalani's young, he's not built his own sense of self-worth and is still partially reliant on the opinions of others, mostly me. To him, my rejection of his body's offerings would be a rejection of his person, regardless of why I feel that way. And with his accident, it's even worse because some of the very things that have defined him over his entire life are now gone. He feels all he has left is his body, for work, for pleasure, for everything now that most of his magic is gone."

"And if no one has helped him define who he is other than in terms of what he can do for them, then a rejection of any part of him would be untenable--and personal. I see that now."

"We're not talking about Kalani anymore, are we?"

Severus glanced at him, his expression sad. "No, I suppose we're not, but--it explains so much. After our--I've always told Harry I didn't want him to bottom, my reasons being that it hurts him, emotionally, and me as well. And when I turned him down--he must have--oh fuck. If that's how he perceives himself--that would be why he keeps bringing it up, why he won't let it go. Damn it!"

"And you can't--because of what happened in the past? With Voldemort?" Severus looked at him sharply but nodded bleakly. "And you haven't told Harry this?" Again, another nod. "Man, you have a problem. Is this what you fought over? You told him 'no' when he asked again?"

"Fairly obvious, isn't it? He wanted to know if the bond would make a difference and what made me angry was that he would not just accept my answer at face value and leave it be."

"No, I suppose he couldn't if he thought you were rejecting him and not the act--or the memories." When Severus said nothing, Ben continued. "You both can't, you both have good reasons, but only one of you really knows why. I have to say this is not a good thing. You know, I'm a big believer in privacy, but you're going to have to address this with him. One cannot escape one's past when it is as much a part of the blood as that which flows from one's parents. And you need to do it soon. A blocked bond is not unusual, but it's not healthy either, especially as new as yours is."

"It seems to me you should follow your own advice and just tell Kalani outright," Severus remarked without rancor.

He couldn't help but smile. Just like Kalani--redirect if you can't answer it. "Yeah, my pot's pretty black isn't it?" When Severus chuckled, he added, "However, having said that, I don't think Kalani's going to be as reasonable about this as your Harry--he at least still has those things that have defined him most of his life. Kalani doesn't anymore. The timing really sucks. I might have a better chance at it in a year or so, but now--?"

"Hmmm. Are you prepared to always bottom then?" Severus chuckled at what he was sure was another of those damned blushes--must be the haole part of him. "Didn't think so."

"Yeah, well--." Ben looked at his watch. Damn, where had the time gone? "I'm really sorry, Severus. I didn't realise we'd been here this long; I need to get back--have classes to teach this afternoon at the Halau."

"No problem. Shouldn't take more than a moment to pack up."

It didn't. Severus gathered all their garbage and banished it while he packed the remainder of the fruit and the other foodstuffs he'd brought. They resaddled the horses and were soon picking their way down the mountain path and in no time had crossed the field. When they were once again walking the horses on the verge, Ben said, "You know, I can always use another set of hands. We've got a festival coming up and some of the parents of my travelling group are coming over to repair some of the equipment and work on costumes. You're welcome to join us."

Severus shook his head. "The offer is kind; maybe later this week, but I think I need to follow my own advice and talk with Harry."

"I have to agree--that's certainly more important."

They fell into silence again until they were almost to the house. "I've been thinking," Severus began, "I don't believe Harry will want to heal Kalani--you're both too much like family to us, but I'm certain he can recommend a specialist as I said before. However, perhaps, if--when Harry and I get this resolved, he can talk to Kalani about whatever his physical condition is, what his choices are, and what can be done. Maybe if it is just the two of them talking about it clinically without all the emotional baggage, he can accept your suggestions better afterwards. Especially if he knows they may be his only options. Then you would be supportive, not dictatorial."

Ben was pleased they considered themselves family and felt a surge of hope. "Sounds like a good idea. Thanks, I would appreciate it."

"No, thank you. It's only recently I've thought of such things and I would not have had we not talked."

Ben nodded, it had been enlightening for them both, giving them much to think on. As they approached the house, he saw Kalani's scooter parked to the side; ah well, they would have to return the horses tonight after classes were over. He and Harry were sitting back on the beach much the same way they'd left them only this time, when he and Severus dismounted, their husbands rose from the sand and walked towards them.

Ben could almost feel Severus straining to hold himself in check, to curb the impulse to rush to Harry. He knew he would feel the same way. But what did surprise him, and Kalani, too, was that when the two stood in front of each other, the unexpected embrace was fierce, possessive, beautiful even, but only briefly glimpsed before they Apparated away--into the house he assumed.

Kalani came over and gave him a brief hug. "You're late. Want some help returning the horses?"

"It'd be nice, but what about your scooter?"

Kalani laughed. "It ain't going anywhere. I can always come back and get it later. I'm sure Mom will drag me back over here for one reason or another."

"Probably. Well, c'mon then. I only have an hour or so."

They mounted the horses and walked out of the yard, both men looking at the house as they passed it. "Think they'll work it out?" Kalani asked.

Ben shrugged. "Don't know why not. They love each other, right?"

Chuckling, Kalani replied, "Oh yeah. Harry positively drips da kine once you get him started. You should see what he did to the leg of my table."

"What? Gnaw on it?"

"I wish--may take me days to get the other three to look like it. But I can't complain--seemed to help him."

"Yeah, Severus was out of sorts, too."

"You talk to him like you wanted?"

Ben started and stared at his husband's wise-ass grin. "I'm not blind, Ben--been with you too long to not notice when you're being sneaky. I know you're worried; so was I, but I talked to Harry a little about it."

"And?"

"Well, he said he'd try and find me a healer on O'ahu, but--" he drew a deep breath and let it out on a sigh "--I'm going to have to change my thinking; it's going to be 'different' for a while, I guess. There's not a whole lot of options open and I don't like most of them." He looked off to the side. "Maybe we just need to talk about it. Not my strongest suit, I know, but don't see much of a choice here."

"Kalani? Look at me." Reluctantly his husband did so, his face closed. "It's OK. We'll talk; we'll do whatever you feel is best."

"That's all I ask." He looked back at the house, now in the distance. "Glad we don't have their problems."

"I hear you on that," Ben said, laughing inside.

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TBC

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Definitions:
Awapui Zingiber - Shampoo Ginger
ad nauseum Latin - To the point of nausea
kapakahi crooked, twisted