Hiding Under the Ninth Earth
Book 03 : Epithalamium
Part III : The Beginning of Forever
Chapter Forty : Love is Always Saying You're Sorry
Warning: Chapter contains semi-graphic descriptions of violence and rape.
Edited for FanFiction-net: 107 sexy words were sacrificed on the altar of the rating gods. I apologise if this feels choppy in any way, but coitus writus interruptus is never a pretty thing. Remember, if you are of age, the full version is available at my site.
Tuesday 28 October 2003 HST (Continued)
It felt so right to hold him again, to feel his body pressed tightly against his own. Hearts pounded against each other, seeking a common beat. Lips and tongues caressed while hands held on tightly, fisting clothing, pushing, pulling--trying to fill the emptiness. They struggled to stand from where they'd fallen to their knees, legs having given out under the onslaught of their impatient reunion. Step by step, kiss by kiss, touch by touch, they made their way back to the bedroom, sagging against a wall when their legs threatened to buckle, leaning on the dresser when dizziness threatened to spill them; stopping only to toe off their shoes, they finally tumbled through the open curtains into the downy softness beyond. Side by side, limbs entangled, each kissing the breath out of the other, both suffocating from the raw need--the need to touch, to connect--to bring back to life within them that which was still dead inside.
They stilled, eyes searching the face of the other. Severed, cut off from each other, they were left with only feeble words and touch and sight to express the emptiness and sorrow inside where once lived the wondrous connection they desperately wanted to regain.
"I'm sorry--" was spoken on a whisper, together. "You first--" in unison brought the first small smiles. Silence reigned as both waited for the other, both wanting the other to speak first, both wanting to be heard first; a contradiction as profound as the separation within them.
"I'm sorry." He moved his lover's hair out of his face with tender fingertips.
"I'm sorry, love," he murmured, bestowing a soft kiss to willing lips.
"I shouldn't have--" they said, chuckling weakly as hands drifted and soothed flesh trembling with trepidation.
They both sighed, faces so close they blurred.
"I shouldn't have pried--"
"I should have told you--"
"--I should have respected your privacy."
"--I shouldn't have kept it secret."
A kiss bestowed, so tender it made his soul ache; he wanted his lover to know how it felt to him, but he couldn't, not without the bond. And that hurt more than anything else.
They needed to be one again. Could he bring them together? Could he say aloud the things holding him back? Dark eyes closed. "I'm afraid--"
Trailing fingertips across his cheeks and brows compelled him to open his eyes. Soft lips at the corner of his mouth whispered, "Go on, my love--" He couldn't bear to watch.
His eyes fluttered shut. "No, love, let me see."
Another sweet press of lips lovingly encouraged him to try again. "I'm afraid you'll see how ugly I am inside--"
Gentle fingers slid through his hair. He whispered, "Never! I think you are beautiful--Tibi insum."
"--and you'll decide you hate me after all--"
A hand cupped his face, quietly demanding he not look away. "Semper te amabo."
"--and when you realise what I did--" He faltered.
"Te apud constanter manebo."
"--and I'd die if I ever felt that from you." No, he couldn't--his eyes slid away, keeping the illusion.
"Look at me," was whispered, as feather touches of lips nudged his face. Troubled eyes returned to see green ones, bright and shining. "I Love You."
The fear, so strong, receded as his mouth was taken in a loving kiss, light and tender; emerald eyes held his dark gaze, full of promise. Could he? Non iam solitarius sum.
"Tell me, love."
Mihi insum.
"Please, don't cut me off."
Tibi insum.
"Don't walk away from me."
No, he couldn't do that.
"It hurts when you walk away."
Did he really whisper, "It sometimes hurts more to stay."
But to be alone forever? It hurt more than leaving. "I will give you this--" Severus whispered "--myself, my memories." He quietly spoke the spell, "Legilimens," and opened his mind, felt it give way as Harry gasped, felt the invasion as his mate sank reluctantly into his memories.
.o0o.
The beetle crawled along the floor behind his heels; he could see its slow progress as he watched it from between his knees as he huddled in the corner of his father's study. Each time the switch stopped falling on his thin shoulders, the beetle would move a little farther as if knowing that those were the only times it was relatively safe to move.
"No, Father, no, please no more. I'll be good, I promise!"
"Good? You lie! Liars must be punished"
The beetle stopped and turned towards his bare heel. He could feel its long antennae tickling his ankle, its tiny legs prickling his skin as it climbed upward, distracting him from the blows bruising his back. He instinctively dodged from a swipe at his head and the beetle fell off, landing onto the floor on its back.
"I thought you loved me."
"You? You are nothing."
The beetle struggled to right itself where it lay on the hard stone behind his heel. He tucked himself tighter to get his lips between his knees and blew on it as the pain whistled down his crossed arms. The gust of air flipped the beetle upright and it moved as quickly as its little prickly legs could take it. He watched it move to safety, wishing he could go with it.
.o0o.
Falling, further, deeper. The years sailed by. He could almost hear his husband whimper over the roaring in his ears.
.o0o.
The beautifully manicured hand callously dug sharp pain, like broken glass, into the newly burned Dark Mark. He didn't know which was worse--the horrible pain throbbing in his arm or the nausea remaining from its inception. Strong hands, once gentle, now inexorably dragged him to the throne where the Dark Lord surveyed all the new recruits, his feral eyes glistening in the torchlight. They made him shudder and not for the first time since he'd come here, he wondered why he was here and how he could get out. "Lucius! What are you doing?"
Lucius shook his head, his grip firming on his arm. "You belong to Him now."
What did he mean? "Of course, I do. I just took the mark didn't I?"
He tried to stop and touch him. Who was this stranger wearing his lover's face. Who was it smiling at him in such contempt when only this morning those same lips had brought such sinful delights to his body, had whispered words of endearment in his ears. "For gods' sakes, why? I did what you wanted!"
The world whirled around him as he was thrown to the floor like offal. The toe of a booted foot on his shoulders held him pinned to the floor. "Why, Severus?" Lucius pushed with his foot, rolling him over onto his stomach. "Because you are a valuable coin I can spend."
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his lover, bend his knee to the Dark Lord, his head hung low. "He's yours, my Lord; do as you will--he is not unskillful if one can see beyond his looks."
His clothing stripped from him, rough hands hauled him up, standing. "I thought you loved me. How can you do this"
The raised brow, the chin lifted in derision. "Love you?" A cruel laugh. "Look at you. Did you think I could ever love someone like you?" The hated cane came up under his chin. "No, I owned you, boy. And now, I've given you freely."
Pitiless hands pulled him in front of the Dark Lord. If he shook anymore he would fall apart. A skeletal hand came out from under layers of robes and ran long fingers down his naked body from shoulder to hip. "Yes, Lucius, I see what you mean. So pale, so smooth. He'll do just fine."
Silently begging with his eyes. No! Lucius! Please don't leave me here!
The look of disdain, feeling love inside shrivel. A hand, strong despite its frail appearance-- "How touching, Lucius. He misses you already." --twisted his head around to look at lust-filled eyes. "On your knees, boy. Show me what you do best on your knees--"
.o0o.
Wading into the deepest recesses, a pile of jumbled memories. He shrank back from them, willed them away but could not; it was too late.
.o0o.
The Muggle woman died screaming as the creature ripped through her. Bloody hands held the monstrosity out to him. "Use it, it's fresh."
His stomach heaved in protest. "No, never!"
He struggled to control his rising gorge as 'The Pet' again tried to hand it to him. "But our Lord wishes the potion. I grew this especially for it."
Retching on the floor. "Our Lord can go to hell along with that--that--thing!"
.o0o.
Horror, not his own, filled him. He felt Harry struggling, trying to pull away.
Oh gods, would he lose his husband, too? End it, idiot! End it now, before he sees your shame.
NO! Even if it meant losing him, he would not back down now. He was committed--neglegens si magno mihi stetit--regardless of personal cost.
.o0o.
The master was so angry.
"Use it! Make the potion."
"No, you have my life, you may not have my soul."
Sneering Death Eaters bound him to the posts.
"Too late, you fool. I already own you."
Perfunctorily twisting against the bonds. Rape was nothing new after all; this body of his was only a shell. The true difficulty lay in acting at school as if his concerns were as small as the other seventh year infants.
Fear! The whip cracked on the stone. Oh gods, not this.
"Avery, talk some sense into him."
"With pleasure, my Lord."
Whistling pain cracking across his body, blending into such a monotonous undertone, he could almost ignore it. Regardless, he would not yield.
.o0o.
Harry's determination to see it through, no matter how much it hurt, held him captive. If Severus had lived it, had the courage to show it, he would watch it, live it. He was committed--neglegens si magno mihi stetit--regardless of personal cost.
.o0o.
A sibilant whisper in his ear from behind. "You will learn not to defy me, my love."
Pain exploded as the hated body of the Dark Lord forced its way inside him.
"It's really quite simple, Severus--"
The body behind thrust as the whip sliced his skin.
"--You--are--mine."
Blood ran down his legs.
"You will do my bidding."
Like knives going in, cutting.
Like fire coming out, burning.
He bit back the screams.
"I will give you a lifetime of retribution for your defiance!"
.o0o.
They watched, together, lived it again--Partes capimus et nos adligamus--taking each part and binding it unto themselves.
.o0o.
Each stripe precisely split unwilling flesh.
"Do as he says."
Each thrust relentlessly split deadening flesh.
"Yield to me!"
The resistance was instinctive.
"You can only have my body!"
Gods, would it never end?
"Make the Potion!"
Torn inside. Deeper. Harder.
"No, Master."
Torn outside. Faster. Longer.
.o0o.
Their bond stirred through them, coming to life unnoticed.
.o0o.
Fingernails digging, slicing ragged furrows in his hips with each thrust.
Stroke for stroke they broke him.
He was too weak to resist.
The words of the curse seared through him.
Tendrils of malice ate his soul.
How much can a person take?
"Mercy, Master!"
The unbidden screams echoed around the chamber.
"Oh gods, just stop. Please. I'll do as you ask."
.o0o.
Their bond wrapped around them, gathering strength from their fortitude and commitments.
.o0o.
"You lie."
All for nothing. Too late, his capitulation would not save him.
"You will regret this the rest of your miserable life."
Shamed, he was too weak to stop the curse.
Mortified, too weak to stop the assault of body and mind.
Broken, too weak to fight anymore.
"You will never feel pleasure from this again."
With a cry of triumph, his 'master' took his pleasure from him at his body's expense.
"When you least expect it, it will remind you of my penalty for resistance."
.o0o.
Their bond burned within them, exposing the true nature of the past.
.o0o.
He ached with the pain of his failure.
Sagging against the cruel bindings, almost gone.
Surely he'd die, a welcome thing.
Whispering to himself as they left him, "But I kept my soul."
.o0o.
Their bond was relentless in its commission--Praeterita, praesentem tempum... ad posterum nostrum adligo meo sponte--to freely bind their past to their present and future. It was ruthless in its honesty. It expected nothing less than they feel it, live it, understand it until they both owned and accepted it--together--regardless of origin, for they were now one--Unus iam sumus--one past, one present, one future. It demanded they keep their vows, to take the risk of stepping off the precipice of what had made them and to find the inner strength to catch each other as they fell into their present. And in return, it granted them the peace of mutual absolution and the liberty to move into their future, free of the shackles of the past.
Severus understood this now as the inner vision faded. His forearms hurt from the bruising pressure of the hands holding him there, a pressure he could see he returned, the trembling flesh beneath his hands darkening purple from his own grip. It hurt; he could feel his mate's pain.
He could feel it.
Harry was crying. "Oh gods, Severus, I'm so sorry, my love. I didn't know--never would have--never made you live that again."
Severus embraced his sorrow, his compassion. His beloved's head was buried in his chest. Severus revelled in his mate's abiding love and knew elation.
But Harry still hadn't found it. His voice was muffled as he said, "I understand. I'm such an idiot. How can you stand it?"
It seemed so simple now. "Because I have you."
Can you feel it, love?
Harry lifted a jubilant face to him, happiness and joy shining through the old tears. "Unus iam sumus. Oh, Severus! It's back!"
"Unus iam sumus, my love, it never went away. We just--forgot it--for a while." He waited patiently for Harry to work out the truth he already knew.
"We had to see, didn't we?" he asked finally, running his hand up Severus' arm. "We're no longer alone, no longer separate?"
Severus nodded. "What belongs to one, belongs to the other. We had to own it to accept it to move past it."
Harry kissed him, a light pressing of lips, filled with a jumble of feelings, all of which Severus could feel coursing through him. It was the most wonderful thing.
His mouth graced with that boyish grin that always made him melt, Harry asked, "We're not going to be doing this every day, are we?"
"Gods, I hope not. I think this was enough to hold us for a while. That is, until the next time--"
"--I get a bug up my arse."
"Something like that," Severus said dryly, moving closer to take Harry in his arms.
Harry murmured, "Probably one of your centipedes," as Severus, smiling, took his mouth in a serious kiss. It felt so right to hold him again, to feel his body pressed tightly against his own, their hearts beating as one. Lips and tongues caressed while hands held on tightly, fisting clothing, pushing, pulling--trying to contain the fullness bursting out of them. Side by side, limbs entangled, each kissed the breath out of the other, both rejoicing in the renewed feel of each other.
Suffusing through them, the bond brought a new peace and freedom. The frantic urge of raw need faded, the kiss deepening to something more. Hands soothed and comforted; thoughts gave way to feelings. No longer separate, no longer alone, no longer restrained by the past. Cherished, they partook of the loving bond within them, fully aware of who and what they were. Together, they accepted wholly their respective limits, understood their choices, knowing that being one inside, that sharing themselves, was far more important than how they shared their bodies.
They shifted, easing into a position of comfortable familiarity. Tired nips followed their movements, tiny kisses placed wherever lips fell. Severus took Harry's hand where it rested on his chest, and after kissing the palm, placed it firm against him. Harry raised his face for one last benediction, which his husband gladly gave him, one hand luxuriating in his hair, the other lightly touching the vulnerable throat, his lips gentle as he joined their mouths reverently. "You still love me," he whispered in wonder as if he still couldn't believe it.
And as he drifted off, Harry's sleepy, "How could I not," sang him a new lullaby.
.:o:. .:o:. .:o:. .:o:.
The sun was galloping towards sunset when Severus woke first, smiling. Harry was sprawled on his stomach next to him, recently moved, the sweaty warmth along his side cooling slowly in the still air. Yes, it was a little warm and humid to be cuddling right now.
He studied the beloved face turned to the side. Harry's lips and cheek were squashed against his nose from the pillow, his hair smooshed on one side and flying wild on the other; he really needed a shave not having done it since they'd arrived, the 'shadow' now a full-fledged darkness. He supposed the whole could be considered comical, but in reality, he found the trusting laxness endearing.
The bond lay open between them, Harry's end bringing sleepy thoughts and hazy images of pleasant dreams. He was relieved; it was--uncomfortable--to be cut off from his mate; the bond had subtly let him know he needed to stop whatever he was doing to push them apart. The only problem was he hadn't done it on purpose. It had just--happened. Unsettling to someone who insisted on personal control in every aspect of his life. Well, maybe it wasn't as involuntary as he supposed. He knew why it happened, just not how.
Which brought him to the other aspect of the bond's presence. When Harry woke, he would not be able to deny the disturbing swirl of determination he'd felt, nor his burning curiosity. Sneaky brat, his Slytherin tendencies were quite maddening at times. Oh, he wouldn't prod too much, not this time, but he would still get his answers. Quite unfair and inconvenient really, especially if Severus didn't necessarily want to go through the inevitable search, but still, Harry's doggedness was another thing to love about him.
Harry stirred next to him, waking thoughts surfacing with half-somnolent images as his dream refused to yield to reality. Severus held still, needing this small time to accept his own decision to let Harry have his way. He didn't want a repeat of yesterday when the bond had fallen in defence. And who was he defending himself against? Harry? Totally absurd all things considered--they were married, for Merlin's sake. He already trusted Harry with more than his life; now he had seen and accepted everything. So what was the problem?
He sighed, the bond again making the suggestion for him that this was Harry's need, not his and, when he accepted it, the peace that followed was as pleasant as it was rare. He'd no more touched the tousled hair, wanting to bury his hand in it, when he found himself held captive by blinking eyes, the green peeking through half-mast lids. Harry rolled over on his side, yawning, a bone cracking stretch followed; Severus smiled at the pillow-crinkles lining one side of his face.
"What's so amusing?" Harry asked with a grin.
"Your face--it's--never mind. Let's just say, I'm feeling exceptionally well right now."
"Hmmm. That's always a good thing," Harry murmured, scooting over. He wrinkled his nose. "You smell like Bella," he said on a laugh. Spelling all of Severus' clothes off, he sniffed delicately. "Much better--now you just smell like--ginger? Where'd you get ginger?"
"Awapui--it's a soap plant and you are seriously overdressed," he replied, smiling, Harry's clothes flying across the room.
They exchanged a few languid kisses, hands passing randomly over unaroused bodies. It felt good, though.
"Um, Severus, you know, I was wondering--"
"Just get on with it," he groused good naturedly, "you won't be satisfied until you do."
"How do you--?" Harry's eyes widened with the image Severus sent him. "Oh. All right then, you do. But you do understand that this is not about what started all this in the first place? Right?"
"Come on, love. You can say it, I know you can." Severus couldn't help but tease him. "Sex. Penetrative sex. Anal sex. Buggery. Fucking. Anything I missed?"
Harry blushed. "No, I think that about covers it. And it's still not about any of them. I just want to see if I can heal it enough to eliminate those attacks you have, now that I know what causes them."
Severus answered him by flipping over on his stomach, a pillow under his arms supporting his head. Of course he would never make an issue that it was Harry's pillow and smelled good.
Trailing his fingers along his lover's back, Harry felt the hidden tension in the muscles under his hand. Feeling a bit guilty, Harry massaged the tightness until Severus was purring, not in a 'you're-making-me-hot' kind of way, but in a 'you're-about-to-put-me-to-sleep' manner. Good.
He fanned his hands out at Severus' waist, his thumbs in the small of his back. Sinking into the pathways, it took him little time to find the physical damage and the curse. As he read the Schema of the scarring, he barely stopped himself from jerking his hands away--it was almost identical to the eyes on Severus' chest. When he tried to tweak it, nothing happened. So he 'dug' deeper. Senses straining, he tried to read the curse still lodged deep within the scars; similar in nature to the curse he'd removed less than a week before, it was different only in form. And old--nearly thirty years old and deeply set, he instinctively knew his skills would never remove it.
Stunned and disappointed, he withdrew. Harry crawled back up the bed to lay down next to his husband. Severus had his head turned away from him; Harry hesitated to troll the bond to find out whether this was just the way he was laying or if he was upset. He extended his arm and tenderly placed it across Severus' back, his hand resting lightly on his nape. "No, Harry, I'm not upset," Severus declared, his voice muffled by the pillow. "Did you find what you were looking for?"
Harry sat up, coaxing him to roll over on his back. Straddling him, he bent at the waist, ghosting his lips around the dark eyes that hid such intense emotion behind a piercing gleam. He feathered kisses along the harsh lines framing brows and nose, lines that others believed cruel, but that he saw as stripes of honour which could deepen in delight with just the shadow of a smile. He touched his lips to the mouth which, for others, could purse in disapproval and speak in censure, but for him alone whispered words of love and comfort and, as right now, kissed him blind.
Harry smiled. "Yes, love, I found what I was looking for--right here in front of me. I love you."
Severus closed him eyes tight. "You can't heal it, can you?"
"No." Harry's fingers delicately pushed the hair off his lover's face.
Severus sighed, eyes opening to watch him warily. "And?"
"And what? You have a curse. It hurts you. It hurts me. What else is there to say" His fingers carded through the hair around his lover's temples.
Severus raised a quizzical brow and opened his mouth to speak, then closed it, his face thoughtful as he pulled Harry down for another kiss. "I love you," he murmured, their kiss almost chaste. "I suppose I regret you will not get to experience what I have enjoyed. On a purely physical level, sharing your body like that was exquisite, but it's worth nothing if I can't have you along with it."
He moved to lie again by Severus' side, cuddling close. Severus shifted to accommodate him. Harry yawned, settling his head on his spot. His fingers playing with the hairs on Severus' chest, Harry murmured, "I finally understand, love, and I'm sorry I didn't trust you to know what was best for yourself. Tibi insum. I already have all I've ever wanted."
Severus' arms came around him, holding him close, a sigh running through his body as if in relief. He knew it would be all right.
A few minutes later, Harry started to chuckle. "I had the strangest dream. The bond looked just like Albus and he was standing in front of a blackboard using his wand to point out all the other body parts we could be 'examining'. Then he chastised us for being stupid about the whole thing and said one would think we would have learned our lesson by now."
Severus squeezed Harry's hand. "Perhaps we needed a refresher course," he said, his own humour showing. "Although the thought of Albus anywhere near our respective body parts--"
Harry raised his head to look at him, his eyes sparkling. "Ewwww. Talk about continuing education. Can't we just skip the class and still get the grade?"
"I don't know," Severus replied drolly. "You'll have to ask the instructor."
Harry laughed. He tugged on Severus until they close together on their sides. He tickled his fingers down Severus' arse as he asked, "Oh, Professor? Can I trade sexual favours for my marks?"
Severus shifted his grip, sliding his hand down Harry's thigh and leg, pulling it over his hip. With a shift of his pelvis he choked out, "I'm not sure, Potter, you've always rubbed me the wrong way."
Harry wiggled against him playfully, earning a strangled cry. "Oooh. Can you show me the right way then?"
Severus did so. "I suppose I could, providing you pay attention."
As he pleasured them, Harry gasped, "Oh! I promise I'll hang onto every--ahhhh--word."
Severus could feel the bond pervading their love-making, enhancing it, as the pure joy his husband felt rode side by side with his own delight. This was what he'd missed most, the sharing, and he spared the thought that perhaps the damn thing knew them together better than they did, before he stopped thinking of anything other than the sensations.
"Ahhh, Sev feeling this way inside ourselves, through you, through me, will always be more satisfying than just being inside our bodies." :: Oh godsss, I burn. ::
Severus could only agree. Sensation built on sensation until they shared a perfect moment of passion, together, the liberation of body and self and heart so intense it stole the very air from their lungs.
Arms and hands loosened, wrapped around each other, and breath returned as slowly, muscle by muscle, their bodies relaxed, hearts still pounding. Hands caressed and kneaded flesh, bodies tensed when flashes of pleasure shuddered through them unexpectedly as they savoured the closeness their loving had brought them. Later, when all that remained was the loving warmth, Severus dragged Harry half on top of him so they could enjoy some languid kisses, saying it was a myth that he always liked to finish on top. Their hands sliding randomly along satiated skin, the feeling of togetherness continued with short nips of contented lips.
With a gusty sigh, Harry said with some self-deprecation, "I can't believe I'm so stupid at times."
Severus snorted. "While I might have agreed with you when you were a student, I've discovered since then that you have your moments of clarity. What's the problem now?"
"One would think that by now I would know what I want."
"Harry, Albus doesn't fully know what he wants. I think you're being a little hard on yourself."
"Perhaps so, but--"
"But what?"
"I can't help thinking that I should have known that going against a decision so deep-seated as ours would be a bad idea. And while I now know for certain that we'll never experience each other that way, damn, after this--gods, it was extraordinary--I have to ask--what's there to miss?" He sighed again. "Perhaps this--joining--will never happen again, although I certainly hope not. Who knows? I'm beginning to think this bond of ours has a mind of its own. Maybe this was its reward to us for a lesson finally learned?"
Severus chuckled as he ran his fingers down Harry's cheek. Softly kissing him, he said, after Harry had settled into his spot, "I think you can move to the head of the class now."
.:o:. .:o:. .:o:. .:o:.
TBC
.:o:. .:o:. .:o:. .:o:.
The Vows (by Alpha):
Mihi insum :: I am a part of myself
neglegens si magno mihi stetit :: regardless of personal cost
Non iam solitarius sum :: I am no longer alone
Partes capimus et nos adligamus :: We take each part and bind it unto ourselves
Praeterita, praesentem tempum... ad posterum nostrum adligo meo sponte :: My past, present... I freely bind to our future
Semper te amabo :: I will love you always
Te apud constanter manebo :: I will steadfastly stand by your side
Tibi insum :: I am a part of you
Unus iam sumus :: We are now one
.:o:. .:o:. .:o:. .:o:.
Author's Note:
While I do not normally indulge in such things, I would like to extend my heartfelt thanks to my betas Aseneth, Delphi, and Lydia Lovestruck for their endless support and tireless patience in reading, and rereading these last three chapters, which as a triad, form the cornerstone and foundation of the entire series. If you 'see' them, you might want to let them know their efforts are greatly appreciated.
And to you, dear readers, thank you for your support as well. I Got Tired of Waiting