Chapter 17 – Trying to tell me all along

Disclaimer – Not mine, never will be etc. etc.

A/N – Firstly , thanks for all of the great reviews I received for the last chapter – it really made my week.

Secondly, for those of you who questioned Jack's reaction in the last chapter, I wanted to let you know that I spoke to a number of male friends, including my husband, to gauge their reaction to Jack's predicament which is the basis from which I wrote. But Jack's thought process wasn't over …

To Jack it may have seemed like an eternity of anger and heart-break but in fact only six minutes had passed between the time that Teal'c left the office and Jack threw his fist into a wall.

The pain coursed through him as the sensation of bone hitting concrete triggered the nerve endings in his hand to send a message to his brain. He let out a strangled cry, grabbed his now throbbing hand, leant against the aforementioned wall and slid down to the floor. Using his 'good' hand, he rubbed it across his face up towards his hairline and ran his fingers roughly through his hair. He settled with his hands clasped together resting on his legs which were drawn up to his chest. His chin hung low as he fought hard to keep back the tears that had formed in his eyes, now caused not by anger but by pain. It was a toss-up whether the pain was more physical or emotional at that moment and the feelings that Jack experienced were overwhelming.

A single tear began the journey down his cheek and he scrubbed at it furiously, rubbing it out of existence. He wasn't a man who easily cried, but he had been on such an emotional roller-coaster over the last few weeks that it had all become too much for him. He had never felt older while realizing that age was irrelevant when you could still have your heart trampled whether you were fifty or fifteen.

How could he have been so misguided, he asked himself.

Jack cocked his head to one side, winced with the pain in his hand, and spoke the words again in his mind. How could I have been so misguided?

"How could I have been so misguided?", Jack said aloud as a frown formed on his face. He screwed his brow in concentration and tried to block out the burning emanating from the raw skin on his knuckles. He knew that he was a smart man and even if he accepted that Carter had manipulated the situation, he couldn't have simply imagined that she reciprocated at least some feelings of tenderness towards him. He was not that bad of a judge of character and he'd had a lot of time to get to know the woman who was Samantha Carter.

He remembered his confrontation with her on PX3-422 as if it were a flashback in his mind. He had asked her why she had set up the instant message profile and she had looked directly at him, pure despondency overwhelming her features and dampness blurring her vision. She had sniffed like an upset child and spoke quietly. "You kept saying you wanted me to get a life and it made me realize that you needed to get a life too. I was tired and not thinking straight and I thought that this might help. I'm sorry if I went about it all wrong. Can you forgive me?"

Could she have been trying to tell him something? Had she truly been trying to help him? To guide him to "get a life"?

He leant his head back to rest against the wall, raised his eyes to the ceiling and went back over their instant message conversations once again, this time searching for indications of her feelings. He thought back to their discussions regarding what they wanted in life, a discussion she had started and had been more than willing to disclose her feelings on.

Dorothy – Seriously. I want it all. I want the man. The children. The career. The happiness. As I said, I want it all.

Scarecrow – But what happens when you can't have it all

He chuckled slightly to himself as he remembered her answer, determination countering his negativity.

Dorothy – You make it happen. Whatever it takes you get it.

Scarecrow – You think it's that easy

Dorothy – No but you have to find a way to make it that easy

But what was her reaction to him telling 'Dorothy' that he loved Sam? He chewed his lip as a tried to remember her response. If his recollection was correct, she hadn't responded directly but instead had given him an answer that he had interpreted as being flippant at the time.

Scarecrow – Do you know how hard it is to love someone and no be able to be with them?

Dorothy – Actually I do have some experience with that, yes.

He wondered, with growing hope, if she had been referring to him. Jack sat up a little straighter and moved his elbows onto his knees leaning forward, subconsciously feeling that this position would help the memories flow.

He concentrated hoping to find other instances that would explain her behavior and as he did he recalled their IM session after Sam's 'brunch and run' and one very important fact about that particular conversation. He had been the one to initiate the discussion about Sam. Not Dorothy. In fact, he had just about begged for her to give him advice which she had obviously been hesitant to give. God damn it, he thought, as he came to the conclusion that 'Dorothy' had shied away from talking to him about 'Sam'. He had pushed her into it. Maybe she hadn't been manipulating the situation. Maybe she'd simply been doing as she was asked by a friend in desperate need of advice.

Giving advice, albeit with a little more insight than she should have had. What an idiot he'd been. She'd actually been telling him exactly what had been bothering her, why she'd fled their intimate time together and he just couldn't see it.

Dorothy – Did you ever think that's maybe how she feels right now too?

Scarecrow - Confused?

Dorothy – Yeah. And maybe scared too. You told me that if you begin a relationship that it would be against the regs.

Scarecrow – Yep.

Dorothy – So maybe that's what she's scared of. Maybe she had a wonderful time too and realized how perfect it could all be. But then she remembered that she wasn't supposed to feel that way, act that way … and she panicked.

Scarecrow – You think that could be it?

Dorothy – I think it's very plausible.

What else could she have done at that very moment. Confessed? Admitted there and then, after the weekend that they'd had together, that she was Sam. Would he have done any different at that point if he were in her shoes? He surprised himself by acknowledging that he honestly wasn't sure. He had been in many undercover situations where he had unintentionally hurt those that he was actually trying to protect. Sam had even been a victim of one of his undercover ops. Could that have been how this started for her? As a recon mission? Data gathering? Something that his actions had somehow taken a little too far by asking her out on a date? Correction. Two dates.

Scarecrow –So what do I do now?

Dorothy – I'm not sure. She did kiss you after dinner the other night so she definitely has feelings for you. And you said that you love her.

Scarecrow – I do love her. Very much.

A slight smile graced his lips and his frown began to dissipate as he absorbed the meaning of the words she had typed to him just the night before. "She definitely has feelings for you". He nodded to himself. He wasn't totally clueless after all. But why did she bail out on him if she felt something for him? He shook his head as he grasped the fact that she'd told him why in the same conversation.

Dorothy – So maybe she's just concerned about beginning a relationship with you at the expense of one, or both, of your careers while you don't know if it's a long term thing. Maybe she needs to be certain that it's for keeps, the whole works, before she would want it to become public.

Scarecrow – You think that could be it?

Dorothy – Sure. If I were her that's how I'd feel. I'd want to be sure that for both of you it wasn't just infatuation or worse, just a desire for what's not allowed, before I'd want to make it public and suffer the consequences.

And then he had to think about their conversation that morning. It had seemed to start off so well as if they were definitely on the same page. He'd thought that the discomfort from the day before was gone and that maybe they would be able to finally move forward. But then it went down hill so fast once they got talking. He remembered that she'd said, "Well maybe I'm way off base here but I think our relationship changed this weekend", and he's said something stupid like "Ya think?".

What the heck had she said then, he wondered "Yeah I do and now I don't know what we should do about it", she'd responded and he'd countered with a dismissive remark. "We have to "do" something about it?"

Crap! That probably hadn't been the best thing to say, he realized, which probably explained why Sam had reacted the way she had. She had shot him an icy glare and with a bitter tone had snapped back at him.

"No, Colonel, I suppose we don't. Let's forget about it. Actually let's forget about the whole weekend. It never happened. Ok?."

But what had Sam wanted him to do 'about it'? What did she expect that he should do? For that matter, what the heck could he do about their situation? She knew that he'd tried to resign and that hadn't worked. So what was the alternative?

Scarecrow – Assuming you're right, what's the alternative?

Dorothy – Maybe it's not simply all or nothing? Maybe there's something in-between?

Scarecrow – Maybe but will she think that there's a grey area? Will she think it's worth the risk?

Dorothy – I honestly don't know what she would think. But I'll tell you this. Based on everything you've told me about your circumstances and how you feel about her, if I were her, it would be worth the risk to find out if you were her road to true happiness.

The words ricocheted around the room as he spoke them out loud very slowly.

"If … I … were … her".

A smile began to spread across Jack's face as he finally realized what Sam had been trying to tell him all along.