Disclaimer: Not mine.
I just sit here holding her. Her body is bloody and lifeless in my arms – dead weight holding me down. She leaves her baggage here too. Three little words seal my fate, a death sentence on a slip of paper in blue ink. Ink, not pencil. I can't erase the past.
"Roger, the paramedics are coming," he says from the doorway. I look up at him and he sees the tears, the fear, and the worry dancing through my eyes. He nods and leaves the bathroom to wait. Wait for the paramedics, wait for me to come to my senses.
I look back to her. Our past flashes before my eyes. How we got the way we did. Why I am who I am.
--
"What's a pretty girl like you doing here by herself?" I broke the ice.
"Who says I'm alone?" she shot quickly, sipping her drink with wisdom and experience.
"Tell your invisible friend I said hi then, sweetheart," I leave the bar, looking for my band mates.
--
"Invisible friend still with you?" I ask another night.
"You just missed him," she smiles. She had me there. That smile, red lips curled up in a perfect semi-circle, showing perfectly straight white teeth. "April," she reaches out her hand.
"Roger," I take it, sitting down next to her. "Can I buy you a drink?"
"Ginger ale," she replies.
I nod to the bartender and order myself some champagne. We got a slightly larger check than usual tonight, so I decided to treat myself.
"Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody," she says.
I laugh. "Make that two ginger ales then."
--
"Why, baby?" I hold her close to my chest, ignoring the blood that is staining my shirt. "I loved you, I did."
I guess it's stupid of me to think we had something. Yeah sure, our first few months were amazing. I was happy. She looked happy.
Once July rolled around, her flaws came out. She revealed to me her deep dark secret. Not on purpose of course, I found out on my own.
--
"April, baby, where are you?" I call, walking into my room. I catch the light coming from the slightly ajar bathroom door. I grin, waltzing in to surprise her. "April, baby…"
She looks up at me, an elastic band tight around her left arm and a needle in her hand.
"April, what are you doing?" my eyes widen. Not so much as what she's doing with the needle, but just the needle itself. "Oh god."
She puts it down. "Roger, I meant to tell you, I just…"
"Needle…" I back against the door, sliding to the ground.
"What? You're afraid of the needle?" she grins, picking it up again and walking over to me. Her pupils are dilated. Oh god, she's high.
"April, no, get that away from me!" I'm in a ball now. My tough guy rockstar façade crumples into a pile of dust as the needle comes closer. I've always been afraid. My band mates shoot up after the show sometimes. I always find a way to leave just so I don't have to watch. Ever since I was little, I've been afraid. I used to freak out when I had to go to the doctor's.
"It only hurts for a second," she sits down in front of me, untying the elastic band from her arm. She manages to get my arm in her grip. She's strong. The band goes right above my elbow. I cringe and whimper as the needle comes closer. "We can't afford to be innocent, baby," she whispers. "You only live once." As I close my eyes, April sticks the needle into my arm and hits the plunger. Whatever is inside surges through my veins. I feel great now, my fear of needles washing away until next time.
--
It becomes a ritual. Every weekend we sit in my room, pouring shit into our veins, savoring the high.
"We're invincible, baby, we're invincible," she whispers, climbing on top of me, kissing me hard. And we are invincible, if just for this moment.
--
I'm still holding her. The paramedics aren't here yet. Mark is still waiting. Mark knew about all of this. He knew about my addiction, my problems, my weakness. He never tried to stop me, never tried to help me. Maybe he was afraid of me.
--
"Roger, does it hurt?"
"Does what hurt?"
"The needle," he says.
How does he know? I wonder. "Not really. Why, wanna try?"
"No, I just… be careful okay?" Mark warns. "I worry about you."
"I don't need your preaching."
--
Maybe that's why. Because I treat him like shit sometimes. I need to fix that. It's gotten me far, hasn't it? There was nowhere to run anymore. I hit a dead end and all she left me with is a broken promise and shattered dreams – not to mention a severely fucked up immune system. Invincibility only lasts so long.
Fin