Part 39
The sun was high in the sky and the days had all merged into one another, as the city of Edenia now appeared to mock them, holding them hostage. Beka carried as much as she could, still taking from the Gilad's generosity but it wasn't nearly enough to keep them all fed and watered. The past day had been uneventful, and whilst Harper had slept through most of it, Dylan, Rhade and Zal had been sat together discussing plans for getting into the building they suspected held the defences.
Beka had decided a few hours earlier that she didn't want any distractions, and had opted out of planning a recon mission. Harper was consuming her thoughts and concerns, and she trusted the boys to do what needed doing, so she could concentrate of making sure Harper survived another day. She had never considered herself a mothering type, but as she hauled the supplies back, and with her thoughts only on what she could do to make Harper recover faster, she rapidly realised that she was quickly adapting to the role, and to her surprise, she wasn't freaked out.
On entering the house, and quickly offloading the supplies, Beka only glanced at the circle that Dylan, Rhade and Zal sat in, as they barely noticed her return. She picked up on their conversation as the discussed possible ideas for getting into the house, but quickly she moved to the back room.
She was surprised to see Harper was now clothed and out of bed for the first time since the traumatic events in the woods. He was sat quietly, with his legs drawn up and his back against the wall. He was positioned at an angle to the window that allowed the sunlight to bathe him where he sat, and his eyes focused on a point far away from where they were. Beka paused and just looked at him, seeing the distance in his eyes, and she realised he was miles away within his thoughts.
"Hey," Beka broke the silence and Harper was suddenly aware of her in the room.
"Hey," he simply returned, his eyes quickly returning to the window.
"Managed to get up then I see?" Beka idly spoke, as she took a water bottle and a ration pack to Harper.
Harper simply offered a shrug as he took the pack and water. "It was getting uncomfortable lying down," he answered.
Beka sat next to him, taking a pack of her own and they remained silent as they ate the meagre offerings of food.
"So what are the others up to? I can hear their voices, sounds important," Harper then spoke quietly, before taking a sip of water and Beka couldn't help but notice how Harper's eating habits had adapted so quickly, he didn't destroy ration packs or gulp his water despite his hunger and thirst, instead he gently sipped and took tiny portions of the food.
"They are discussing plans for that building that they discovered and suspect is the defence controls," Beka answered.
"So Zal's a fully paid up member of our gang now? It is his voice I can hear as well, right?" Harper checked.
"I don't think we had a choice, he's adopted us," Beka partly smiled. "To be fair, he's growing on me."
Harper just stared ahead, looking deep in thought before he answered. "We need to find Asa," he then stated, and his hand came up to the collar he now wore, and for the first time he showed that it troubled him.
"Why?" Beka was unsure.
"He removed one of these once before, and it's too tight, I don't want it on," Harper answered with a hint of agitation, as he tried to shift the collar but it clearly wasn't for moving.
"We haven't seen him for a while," Beka realised. "But we'll try and find him, and maybe he could help us find a new place."
"Its no use," Harper offered, still trying to adjust the collar, moving it as much as it allowed, just so he could be more comfortable. "I have this thing in my back remember? No matter where I go, they'll find me."
Beka had forgotten about the tracer, and she let her hand fall back against the wall. "Crap," she offered simply. "Maybe we can destroy the unit that tracks it?"
"Zal might know how to get hold of it," Harper agreed, and then suddenly yelped and tensed up.
"What is it?" Beka was quick to his side, as Harper appeared to slump slightly to his right. His hand was still holding the collar, but his face was scrunched up in pain. "Harper, speak to me!"
Slowly Harper appeared to recover, as his face and body relaxed and was able to move again. Taking deep breaths he focused on Beka. "I must have knocked my port with this stupid collar, man that hurt," he offered with some surprise in his expression.
Beka took a closer look at the collar and saw how it was designed to go up slightly behind Harper's ear on the right side, specifically to cover the port. "This isn't an ordinary collar," she noted.
"Tirus made it especially the first time to cover the port because it disgusted Kenan," Harper seethed. "He must have kept the specs, and made a few," he shrugged.
"I honestly don't get why they are so pre-occupied with your port, when it's the most useless thing on this damn planet," Beka stressed.
"When did Rhade leave?" Harper asked, and then smirked.
"You know you shouldn't keep mocking Rhade," Beka warned lightly. "He saved your life the other night, you owe him."
"He's an uber, I owe him nothing," Harper was quick to return.
"At least lay off him for a while," Beka requested and Harper showed reluctance, before agreeing with a slight nod of the head.
Another silence descended between them as they simply sat quietly, hearing the low murmur of voices in the next room.
"Have you had any more dizzy spells since that thing has been on?" Beka then asked towards Harper, gesturing to his collar.
"Been too tired to notice if I have, but man my head still aches," Harper admitted rubbing his temples, and then turned to Beka before she could comment. "Can we go for a walk? I really need some air, and to feel human again, just to get out of this room," he added with a serious expression.
"Sure," Beka agreed and got to her feet, helping Harper the rest of the way when he struggled to find his balance momentarily.
After quickly explaining to the others about their intentions, they left the house and Beka checked on Harper as they moved through the narrow stone streets, seeing him walking a lot slower than she was use to, and he also appeared troubled by something but she was simply amazed he could move at all, and she guessed that those who didn't know him like she did, probably wouldn't even be able to guess the wars he'd been in lately.
"So come on, tell me the truth, how are you feeling?" Beka requested finally, once they had walked a short way.
"Honestly?" Harper checked bringing his hand up to shield his eyes, squinting slightly as the sunlight reflected brightly off of the stone streets and buildings of Edenia that surrounded them, his eyes needing time to adjust after being either inside or asleep for a long period of time. Harper could see however that Beka meant business as she nodded her head. "My back is absolutely killing me, by feet feel like lead weights and everything else is crying for attention but not getting any," he answered truthfully, and then sighed. "I feel worse than crap, no energy, no nothing, I just feel empty."
Beka was slightly taken aback by how frank Harper had been about his feelings, and it took her a moment to respond once he had finished. "Anything I can do?" Beka could only offer.
"Walk with me," Harper half smiled, but Beka was already looking around before she settled her attention back on her friend.
"Harper, sit down for a moment," Beka requested on seeing a small wall near to them.
"No to the walking then?" Harper teased, but did as Beka requested, who remained standing, and then she started to pace the area in front of him.
"I want to ask you a question ok?" Beka stressed, clearly not comfortable.
"I told you, me and Zal are not an item," Harper mocked.
"Harper, please," Beka returned, her tone strained, and Harper realised she really was troubled by something. "After what happened with you and those girls," she began.
"OK, it was more Tarah than Junia, not that I expect that means much but you know I don't really remember much, except those kisses and-" Harper stopped and looked at Beka, realising he was talking himself into corner but thankfully Beka took over.
"I don't want to know about that, exactly," Beka stressed, gesturing him to stop talking. "But now I have this opportunity to talk to you, without fear of the others disturbing us or overhearing," she continued.
"Get to the point, Beka, it'll be easier," Harper warmly smiled, sensing his friend's trepidation.
Beka took a breath, and sat next to her friend. "Why weren't you freaked out by what those girls did to you, or were about to do?"
Harper took a deep breath, clearly taken aback for a moment by what she was asking, it felt too personal, but he quickly recovered as he smiled at Beka, keeping eye contact. "Maybe I'm beyond freaking out now, this whole planet is whacked beyond belief," he figured with a smirk. "I've done something to seriously piss off just about anyone who is sick or demented around here, that nothing is surprising me now?" he offered with a shrug. "Reminds me of Earth, though this place is nothing like it," he added quickly. "Least on Earth I knew what my problem was."
"Your problem?" Beka was intrigued now.
"I was scum, well, I kind of lost my head for a few years," Harper considered as he gave it some thought, his memories of those times returning. "Between about the age of twelve till just before I left I wasn't a real nice guy," Harper admitted avoiding Beka's stare. "I used to get myself into all kinds of trouble, with all manner of different people, I was angry and hated just about anyone or everything," he sighed. "Its how I got mixed up with Bobby," he then grinned bitter sweetly.
"I still remember what you were like when you first boarded, cocky little bugger," Beka remembered with a fond smile. "But even still, and even though I know you can have your moments of blind fury; I never pictured that," Beka admitted with surprise. "I thought you were the joker or the one who baited others from the sidelines, avoiding trouble, took stupid risks for a laugh," she added.
"You really don't know me, do you?" Harper grinned but soon lost his smile. "I had no one to tell me right or wrong, to control me or tell me to stop. I was of the age where I no longer listened. I was a kid who thought I was already grown up, and in some ways I was old beyond my years, but I just wanted, needed, to push all the limits, it's why Brendan would fight me so much."
"I was going to ask more about that, when you said he hit you," Beka spoke up.
"I needed it a lot of the time, on reflection, I was certainly out of control for a few years," Harper returned keeping his head down as he talked. "I wasn't nice and I deserved nothing, and I certainly didn't deserve a cousin like Brendan," Harper frowned sadly. "He should have just snapped my neck a thousand times over for the things I got messed up in, always getting into fights, scams, dirty deals and mixing with the wrong people," he stressed, clearly angered by his own actions. "And he definitely didn't deserve to die because of me," he then added.
Beka saw the hurt in Harper's face, and she quickly put an arm around his shoulders seeing his emotions threatening. "You didn't kill your cousin," Beka soothed. "He died for a cause, and one he believed in."
"He believed in the cause that I stupidly started on a wing and a prayer, I gave him some stupid hope that they could win, and it was all lies, got caught up in Captain Hunt's big ideas," Harper sneered, and then it turned into a mocking laugh. "Just like the mess we're in now, all based on false hope and promises with some fake reassurances as topping," he stressed.
"Harper, it's a bad place you're heading for, just don't go there, you don't need it on top of everything else," Beka warned, and held Harper tightly, thankful when he responded by hugging her back.
"Sorry," Harper offered weakly and they remained silent for a while, before Harper spoke again. "This place is doing my head in," he frowned, pulling away from Beka and getting to his feet again.
"I'm not surprised, it's hardly been fun for you," Beka noted.
"Or you," Harper gestured, and he looked with care at Beka now, before his expression changed. "But this place, it's almost like a wannabe Earth, and it'll never be like it, never," he stressed.
"You make it sound like a competition," Beka was confused.
Harper smirked now. "This place, it doesn't bother me," he continued almost flippantly.
"Harper, what are you talking about?"
"You want the next lesson in the Harper history of crap?" he asked aggressively now, his anger rising. "Seven thousand, three hundred and ninety seven days," Harper simply said, with a proud and determined stance.
"Since you had your last shower, what does that mean?" Beka was still confused, and attempted to shift Harper's latest mood swing back to light hearted but she failed.
"You want to know about me on Earth, right, that's what you asked before?" Harper checked, acting as though the previous conversation never happened. "Why? Because you think it will make you know me better?"
Beka feared the mood Harper was in now, trigger by his thoughts about his cousin and she regretted that it had steered to this obvious dark place for Harper, with the mindset he was in, as he appeared mixed and confused. "I just needed to know, but maybe it's not important now," she tried to explain.
"I'll tell you something," Harper stepped closer to where Beka was still seated. "Who I was on Earth, it makes no difference to who I am now, I'm not that kid anymore, so why can't you focus on who I've become since leaving Earth, the actual person you know?" he asked. "Why focus on my past to try and figure out who I am?" Harper questioned with some force.
"Harper, what is this about?" Beka asked as she got to her feet. "If I've somehow offended you, I'm sorry, but don't talk like this, like I'm bothering you."
Harper took a moment to compose himself before responding. "You're looking at me like a victim, but I'm still breathing, still mobile even after the crap they've done, I've survived another day and I'll continue to survive, just watch me!"
"This place has nearly killed you, you haven't eaten a proper meal for days and you are not well," Beka countered. "Of course I'm concerned, but I am not looking at you like you're a victim," she lightly argued.
Harper just smiled. "It's you I'm concerned about, Beka, because you seriously think this is like Earth, that this is hardship," Harper gestured with a mocking air. "No proper food for a few days, so what?" Harper frowned. "I went weeks without food in Boston, and you know why?" he asked pointedly. "Because the ubers didn't regularly supply it, not like here, sometimes there was nothing but dead rats that had also died from starvation, and that was only if you were lucky enough to find one, and if you were prepared to go to the dirtiest unsafe places possible, and clean water?" he scoffed. "Actual clean water, I never tasted my first drop till I was on the Maru, so this place is like a goldmine of food in comparison."
"Harper," Beka tried to stop him, but he was now on a roll.
"The torture?" Harper now questioned, with no intention of stopping. "It's nothing, sure it hurt like hell but if this had been Earth I wouldn't have just been able to walk away, I'd still be strung up and being taken to that last millisecond before death each time just to give the uber fat head their kicks, perfect their techniques, we weren't even deemed worthy of the title torture subject, we were just bodies to practice on whilst they waited for the genuine articles, the ubers actual enemies," Harper fumed, and took a deep breath. "And I was never assigned a fricking carer!" he stressed, clearly worked up now, and Beka could only sit and listen, taking it all in.
"If I wanted to live, the only hope I had of that was to be rescued or die in extreme pain hoping, and you know what?" Harper brightened. "I was rescued three times, Beka, three times, you know what that means?" he asked, and Beka shook her head unsure. "It meant people cared enough about me to rescue me, three times, no one came to rescue the ones that no one liked, there was no reason to, and that was just the way things were," he stated again. "Does that sound like I had it tough? No, because I was surrounded by people that gave a damn, who actually liked me, and I'd earned that privilege, and maybe I liked them too, hell maybe they even loved me, and I just didn't realise it," he stressed with confusion now.
"You said you were scum," Beka countered and saw Harper suddenly hesitate.
"I was, as far as I was concerned, I hated myself," Harper simply answered, his voice lower now. "I hated that my parents had died because of me, I hated that after that I was just a stupid kid who needed looking after, and I really hated that once I could look after myself, I had others that relied on me and I always failed them," Harper sneered, and ran a hand through his hair. "I hated that I was so weak, and needy, and sick most of the time in all senses of the word," he offered without further explanation. "And I hate that I never realised that the only person who probably hated me on Earth, was me, and I didn't realise any of this until I'd left all of that life behind, friends, family, my life, to find some stupid promised land in the stars, well here I am, right?" Harper gestured madly, with a manic grin. "This is that promised land and look at me," he continued to vent, Beka unable to stop him. "Maybe this is all I deserve after all," he finished, and looked away from Beka with self hatred evident.
"So what are you telling me?" Beka asked unsure, moving closer.
"You wanted to know about me and Earth, then that's all you need to know," Harper returned with an emotional packed smile. "All I ever wanted on Earth was to survive each day, and I did that, I survived seven thousand, three hundred and ninety-seven days at best count, Beka, and each one of those days was a good day because I woke up the next morning," he stated with passion. "All that happened in-between were just means to an end in reaching my daily goal, regardless of who I hurt or abused to do so," he took a breath. "That's who I was, and who I used to be. I wasn't a victim, I was a freaking legend and scum with it, and you know?" Harper showed a mocking frown. "I'm actually proud of that because it meant I did achieve my goal, so forget all about that freaky shallow crap you're so consumed by right now, and just remember that last bit, ok?" he finished strongly.
"I will remember that," Beka answered with care, but she was at odds as to what Harper was actually confessing to.
Harper took a deep breath, and his voice was softer now, and less confrontational, but it was clear he still had things to say as he paced the area they were stood in. "I grew up fast, and I guess I had to do stuff kids anyplace else never had to face, I know that now, but I didn't then," Harper spoke with a shrug. "I know no different, I can't change my past. I saw stuff that to this day still freaks me out, had stuff done to me that I can't even begin to explain but it means nothing to me now because no matter what, I still achieved my goal at the end of the day," he enthused brightly. "I survived until I could leave it all behind."
Beka moved in front of Harper and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, as he continued talking. "I am who I am because of Earth, not in spite of it, and who I am now is the person I became after I left Earth, so Beka, you already know all you need to know about me because I'd like to think I'm not that kid anymore, and I'll never be that kid again, that kid has no business in my life now," he stated firmly.
"I know," Beka could only say, as Harper continued.
"I'm not perfect, and I know a part of that kid still exists inside me, and you probably could hazard a guess at which part, I guess, after what happened earlier," he couldn't hide the smirk, remember Beka's reaction to the girls, mixed with his own. "I'll say I'm perfect, but I'm lying, and parts of Earth will always be with me, and I can't help those parts, but Beka, you know me more than anyone possibly could, and that's why it's confused me why you feel this need to know that kid from Earth again, because you moulded him out of me to be more like this, this me and not that stupid kid, the acceptable me."
"Harper, stop," Beka finally spoke and put her hands on his arms, and Harper looked at Beka expectantly. "I think I've heard enough," she simply said, but Harper shook his head and continued.
"You've been on this quest to find out more about me when you've known as much as you need to know all along," Harper offered a little more controlled now.
"You really think I made you who you are today?" Beka asked.
"You, Rev, even Trance and Vexpag, you all chipped away at me, broke me down until I understood. You all took me aside at some time or other to tell me 'that's not acceptable' or 'this is how it's done around here," Harper shrugged awkwardly, remembering those tough early days away from Earth. "And you, Beka, you made sure I smartened up, that I could survive the drifts, knew the language at least, and that I got this port," he added. "You encouraged me to get this, because you knew I was struggling," Harper gestured to the port, and finally he seemed to relax his stance and smile. "You gave me a reason not to return, and to try and fit in, you gave me a purpose by letting me be your engineer," he sighed. "All my past on Earth represents now is semi-interesting stories to scare the kids with, or you, whilst I wait for Mrs Harper to show up and give me those kids," Harper now grinned.
"I guess after that first night here, when you revealed that stuff about your childhood, it just threw me a little," Beka offered with a sigh. "And if I'm honest, as much as it freaked me out, I was also fascinated by what you said, just trying to comprehend what you went through."
"So what you really want is some more campfire stories, right?" Harper guessed with a smile. "Admit it, you just like the young adventures of Harper man, right? Even though they freak you out and make you question whether you even know me," he smiled warmly now, all his anger worked out.
"But you don't like sharing them, do you?" Beka returned, offering a caught out smile.
"Hell, I thought they bored you to tears, that's the only reason I never shared," Harper mocked, with a broad smile. "You know, this whole experience though, the stuff that's happened here, it hasn't all been about me or you discovering the inner Harper," he gestured. "It's been much more about me discovering about you," he stated with confidence.
"Me?" Beka checked.
"Yeah," Harper agreed, and turned away. "I've never really noticed before, didn't realise that you did actually care, I mean I knew you did in some ways, but I never realised just how much," he offered awkwardly. "And I never wanted to know to be honest, the fact you gave me the time of day was more than enough for me, but now I do know, it's sort of nice," he shrugged, and cautioned a look to see her reaction.
Beka just smiled. "We've never been much for these deep conversations, not when we could be out hunting treasure," Beka then smirked.
"Any treasure here, you think?" Harper idly asked, gesturing around him.
"There must be a lot over the other side," Beka considered, with a knowing grin, and Harper could only smirk, and look away.
"How about we just go back to the house and play dumb to another of Dylan's plans for now?" Harper suggested.
"You're not going straight on me are you?" Beka questioned, with a teasing smile.
"Hey, you're the one who caught me kissing some strange guy, you tell me," Harper mocked back. "But maybe we can go treasure hunting tomorrow?" he suggested.
"Yeah, sounds like a plan," Beka agreed and walked with Harper back to the house, deciding to let things drop for the moment having never expected the conversation to be as telling as it had been, but secretly hoping Harper would share more stories now he knew she was actually a sucker for them.
TBC