April 15, 2073
Damn, Spike is going to kill me. My nerves have been so shot after his suicide attempt, I've been smoking twice as much as I usually do. I've gone through five packs just in these last three days; I can practically feel my insides rotting.
He's such a fucking…fucking idiot! I can't believe he would do something so stupid as try to take his own life! I used to think that, no matter how bad things got, there would be a shred, just a little bit, of life inside of his ravaged mind that told him no, things will get better. But now I don't know. His willingness to kill himself certainly contradicts that fact!
I want to be angry with him at doing something like that. I want to not be able to understand how he could be that depressed. I want to slap him across the face, and yell, "Lunkhead! Things will get better eventually! Don't you dare try to check out now!" But I could never be angry with him. How could I? He was raped, for God's sake. That's just so tragic and sad; not something to get angry with another person for. And I do understand how he could be that depressed; it's just common sense that someone would feel worthless as hell after something like that happened to them. And as much as I'd like to keep preaching that things will get better, and that suicide is not the answer, I'm beginning to think it's the only way out for poor Spike. His suffering has been unbelievable. I don't know if there's any more I can do for him. Things are just hopeless…
And don't get me wrong; I don't want Spike to die at all! It's the last thing I want. But…maybe it's for the better. God, how could I be admitting that it would be in Spike's best interest to die? I'm a hopeless coward…
April 14, 2073
I'm so frightened. Spike locked himself in his room again, and I don't know what he has been doing for the past day. Jett refuses to even acknowledge that Spike tried to kill himself, and Ed, of course, doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation. I'm totally alone in dealing with Spike's depression. I…I don't think I can do it. I'm…I'm so scared! I don't want Spike to die. I don't want him to be depressed. Why did this happen to us? We were fine, before that bastard bounty showed up on Big Shots. Why…?
Damn it, I promised myself I'd stop crying when I wrote.
April 15, 2073
Spike finally left his room today, and he looks none the worse for wear. Well…as I wrote that sentence, I just realized how different he is since the rape. The physical changes have been gradual, but now I notice them. Spike has large gray circles under his eyes, from not getting a good night's sleep for two months. Believe it or not, he used to spend almost an hour every morning styling that afro of his to perfection. He does nothing with it now (though it still looks almost the same). Another thing I've noticed: his hands shake. They never did beforehand. He takes no pride in his appearance anymore.
But, now that I think of it, I've changed too. Just like he, I have dark circles under my eyes. I haven't had time to cut my hair, so it's almost shoulder-length (it grows fast). I'm a much more anxious and worried person than I was. Also, I think I'm getting more emotional. Before the incident, I couldn't have cared less about anything. But now…
It's amazing how one moment in time can change your entire look on things, isn't it…?
April 16, 2073
I finally confronted Jett today about his attitude towards Spike. I'm furious at him for pretending that Spike is fine, and that the rape didn't even happen. "He needs you, Jett!" I yelled at him. "He needs all of us, especially now! How dare you treat him like this?" Jett didn't even blink at my onslaught. All he did was give me a tortured look, catching my eyes and holding them in his gaze before walking away without a word.
I was feeling so enraged when he walked away, I could have ran to him and punched him, right then and there, but I let him go without even a parting word. His look had shaken me. Something…in those eyes…
Jett is afraid. Afraid that Spike will die. That he won't ever be the same. Afraid…that it was Jett's own fault.
I know how he feels. The same thoughts plague me all the time. I wonder…I wonder if he and Spike see that same look in my eyes?
April 18, 2073
Spike seems…different. Since I've last written, he's changed; I don't know if it's for the better or worse, but he is certainly not the same as he was. I can't pinpoint exactly what it is. He just doesn't have this air around him that he used to have. Maybe his suicide attempt shocked him so much that he…well, I honestly don't know. Perhaps there is a shred of life inside of him yet. I'd love to think that was actually true.
He's also started rolling the sleeves of his suit down. Now it is impossible to see the scar on his wrist. (It's now just a few shades whiter than his skin.) Maybe…maybe… he's ashamed of it? That would be a large step in the right direction if he were; I just hope that he's not rolling his sleeves down to cover more than one scar…
April 19, 2073
Something amazing happened last night. Something that astounded me and made me believe that what I said yesterday was true.
Spike didn't have nightmares last night.
This is the first time he hasn't woken up screaming since the incident.
It's the first restful night we've both had.
It's…crazy. Could Spike possibly be…getting over the incident? I'm shaking so badly with excitement that it's hard to write right now!
This is a big deal. This is…such a big deal!
I didn't notice that he didn't have nightmares until I actually awoke this morning in my own bed. Every night, I'd come from my room, comfort him, and then fall asleep on the floor next to his bed, ready to comfort him again if need be. But I actually awoke on my own bed! That means I didn't have to wake Spike from nightmares at all! Oh my God, it's so…fucking awesome!
But there could be some sort of catch to this…I'd better go see Spike (it's still the morning right now…I couldn't wait to get this phenomenon on paper) and see what's going on with him.
April 19, 2073 (continued)
Spike was asleep when I walked into his room. He was actually asleep! That's another very, very good sign that something incredible is happening. I walked to him, eyes wide in shock and happiness, but ready for anything. He opened his eyes, sat up and yawned; when he saw me, he just smirked a little and said, "No nightmares…a good sign." Before leaving, he gently put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed for a moment. Then he walked away.
First of all, Spike didn't have nightmares! This may not sound like such a big deal, but it is. It means…he's getting over the rape. This is one small step in the right direction, and after all of the big ones Spike took in the wrong direction, this is a very good sign. And he smiled! The first smile he has used for almost a month. The smile that turns my bones to jelly, that makes my heart beat at five-million beats per minute, and that is just so…sexy!
Oh my God. I just wrote that as if nothing had ever happened to Spike. I wrote it as I would have written it before the rape. I think that's the best sign of all…I am beginning to act like Spike really is getting better. That means I'm beginning to believe it myself…
April 20, 2073
Another night without nightmares! This is so amazing!
When I talked to Spike yesterday morning, he seemed almost…surprised. He still seems shocked that he almost killed himself. I think now, in hindsight, he realizes how stupid that idea (which seemed brilliant to him at the time, I'm sure) actually was. I'm glad his eyes are finally opened. I hope that he just gets better and better from now on, and maybe…
…the way he was before?
April 21, 2073
I cried today when I saw Spike. It was the first time that I've ever cried for joy; all these months I've been sobbing from anguish at his inner death, but now…I think he was reborn.
He's recovering so quickly. Now I know why: he shocked himself so much with his suicide attempt that he also…shocked himself out of his despair from being raped. It may sound crazy, but I looked something like this up on Ed's laptop, because I had to know exactly what was going on with Spike. Here is what it said:
"Many survivors of such horrors as rape and sexual molestation can feel paranoid, threatened, and depressed. This depression, at first, can even go as far as these victims taking their own lives. Almost all victims do feel suicidal and depressed, as far as a year after the incident. But they also report that, now, they feel a genuine joy of being alive. Sometimes suicide attempts can even shock victims out of the worthlessness they had once felt, and change their mannerisms on their outlook on life."
I just know this is what happened to Spike. He so surprised himself with his suicide attempt that he doesn't feel as depressed anymore. It sounds crazy, I know, but it has to be true! It's so amazing…now, there's only one thing left to do so that Spike can heal completely from the rape. If we could just find the bastard that did it to him…maybe we could begin to act like nothing had happened again.
~To Be Continued
Author's Notes: Well, here's another chappie. Getting lighter and lighter, though! It's gonna have a happy ending. ^_^ I can't allow Spike too much suffering, as he is so very cool. So, yeah. I think I owe this fic a little happiness, after all the angst. Oh, and that little blurb in the last entry was copied word for word from my brother's college Psychology book. So it is actually true.
I hope that the ending wasn't too boring. I just want it to be a sufficient lead-in to the next chapter. (hint, hint)
The next chapter will get pretty happy, though. I'm going to end it in probably two chapters, so yeah. Cool! I want to thank every single one of you for giving me all those positive reviews!! I love you all! Thank you again! huggles Well, expect the next chappie in two to three weeks. Thanks, all! bye ~PP