Faye's Diary, Chapter Five: by Phoenix Pinion

April 23, 2073

I lost my hairbrush this morning. Normally this announcement would have been nothing but a minor annoyance to me, something that would not have even received the privilege of getting written in this diary. If anything, I would strive not to write such a silly irritation in these pages…except for the fact that my missing hairbrush drove Spike to do another amazing thing today.

He laughed!

When I first heard the clear sound, I could hardly believe it myself.

You see, I have a small vanity in my room – a little dresser with a tri-fold mirror and a makeup bag on top of it. This is where I usually spend my mornings, squinting disapprovingly at my face and trying to erase any signs of blemishes or wrinkles with my anti-aging powders and creams. (Do I really need them? I sometimes wonder. Ah, but that is beside the point.) Besides those items, there is supposed to be a brush on top of it as well. However, this morning, when I woke up again in my own room (and rejoiced accordingly about that) and ambled to my vanity, I could not find the thing. Normally I would not feel so anguished about such a silly triviality, but my hair was unusually tangled today. Sighing to myself about my own ineptitude, I began hunting in the drawers, before I heard it.

There was a soft, but nonetheless very real and amused, chuckle behind me. With my head buried in my underwear drawer as it was, I could not see the being behind me, yet I knew exactly who it was anyway. With a gasp, I raised my head, and, just as I expected, saw Spike's reflection grinning at me. He held my hairbrush loosely in one hand.

"Lose something?" he asked me, voice as sultry as it always was, an undoubtedly amused tone to it making it soft. I was too shocked to even turn and face him – I simply stared at him in the mirror, my jaw stupidly hanging open in astonishment. Did I really just hear from him what I think I did? A laugh? It's been over five months since I've heard such a thing from him. Moving forward, he held out the brush to me, and finally I snapped out of my daze, turning to meet him. He continued to smile at me as I, in a complete and total daze, took the brush from his hand.

"Th-thank you," was all I could stammer.

"You're welcome. Man, your hair! It's so long," he replied, quietly laughing again. I didn't say what I thought – I haven't cut it since the incident – but instead managed to smile back.

"I need to get it cut…" I started, noticing how my voice was trembling, but he quickly stopped me.

"You shouldn't. This length is pretty." With that jaw-dropping statement, he turned and walked out of my room.

He smiled! He laughed! He complimented me! He teased me!

What a momentous, pleasantly surprising day. I would write more, but I'm shaking so badly with excitement that it's hard to get my thoughts on paper! I need to start helping Jett with dinner anyway, so I'll write back tomorrow.

April 24, 2073

Nothing of great importance happened today. Well, maybe I should scratch that. Today was, in effect, a normal day. When I write that, I mean 'normal' as in 'how things were before Spike was raped'. I woke up at the usual time. I changed clothes and did my makeup, then helped Jett to fix breakfast with our dwindling supplies (we really need to start watching for another bounty). I ate with everyone, enduring Ed's mindless chatter and happy antics – watching happily whenever Spike smiled or laughed at what she had to say. I was also pleased to note that Jett seemed to notice Spike's improvement, as well. After clearing up the table after my friends and teammates, I parked myself on that horrible yellow couch to watch some gritty crime drama on the television (I hate daytime shows). After I fixed lunch, I retired to my room for a few hours and flipped through this diary, reading all of my entries up until now. It made me very pleased to see how much Spike really has improved. He has gone from a soulless, depressed shell of a man with nothing to live for to a happier, more cheerful guy all in the space of a week. It's amazing, but exciting, how one thing changed his outlook so much.

And dinner was the same as well. Spike actually dug into the meal with gusto, showing the appetite he used to have, instead of picking at it and barely eating a forkful. For once, we didn't have any leftovers! I also have the feeling that, for once, I can go to bed with a smile on my face and know that things are going to be all right.

April 26, 2073

Today I noticed that Spike was looking at something on Ed's laptop. This was strange to me, because I know that Spike is not as advanced with computers as Ed. Usually he asks her to find anything he needs instead of searching for it himself. This event was slightly strange, as well, because when I approached him, he quickly shut the lid and tried to act like he had not been doing anything of importance. I asked him what he was doing, but all he told me was "not to worry about it". I would have been a lot more suspicious if he hadn't given me that charming smile…he used to smile like that whenever he wanted me to stop pestering him about something. Well, I'm sad to say, it worked, and I left him alone for the rest of the day.

But somehow, I feel that I should be worried about what he was doing…

Oh well. It's probably just my paranoia acting up again. I'm sure it was nothing of importance.

April 27, 2073

Our food supplies are starting to run low again, and I saw a bounty worth a good amount of woolongs today on Big Shots. I think I'll send Jett and Ed out to catch it so we can buy more supplies. I would accompany them, but I still feel uneasy about leaving Spike on the ship alone. I will let Jett sit out on the next bounty and just take Ed along to compensate.

April 29, 2073

Ed and Jett still have not returned, but I am not worried about them. Every hour or so they send in a message to us via Ed's laptop; the last one that they sent in told us that they still are tracking the man, but they are getting very close. They expect that they will catch him sometime in the next three-four days. I'm glad about this; now I get to spend more time alone with Spike. Of course, I won't do anything – I certainly cannot make a move on him, his emotions are still too fragile for that – but I can at least admire him from afar. Lately, he has not changed startlingly – nothing like the day I lost my hairbrush – but he is at least able to smile, and for that reason I can smile too.

I think I've already accepted in my mind that he does not love me, and will not. My heart still aches when my eyes catch a glimpse of him, see his perfect body and want to hold him, comfort him and take away any pain he has. I'm afraid that ache and want will always remain in me, but I really don't mind it. As I have already stated, so long as Spike is happy, I am happy too.

God, I sound so sentimental. These past few months really have opened up my heart and mind to new emotions. Who knows? Maybe it is a time of healing for both of us.

May 1, 2073

Well, I officially take back everything that I wrote in that last post. It's hard to write right now through the tears, but I don't ever want to forget what just happened between Spike and I. I will describe all that happened in chronological order so I will not leave one moment out…

Spike and I had just finished clearing away and washing the dishes from dinner (it was generally easy, because the two of us are still the only ones here). I turned around to ask him if there were anymore dishes left that had not been cleaned, but instead bumped against him unexpectedly, and he gasped. Immediately I realized what I had done, and started to apologize; I was so shocked and angry at myself for my stupidity that I was almost crying, and I looked down, trying to keep the tears in. Suddenly, to my surprise, I felt Spike's long fingers gently brush against my chin, pushing it up until I met his eyes. It was then that I noticed how…alive those eyes of his were. The amber in them seemed to positively glow with energy. His mechanical eye, though a few shades darker than his real eye, was still just as passionate. With a loving glance he murmured, "Don't apologize. I should have told you this before, but…none of this was your fault. If anything, I should be apologizing to you…"

Up until that precise moment, that moment that I was staring into those oddly animated eyes of his and listening to him confess his sorrows to me, I had been able to hide my emotions from him. All the tears that I have ever shed were not in his presence; from the very beginning I promised myself that I would never let him see my weakness. I need to be strong for him, I always told myself. Well, I suddenly could not hold any of that strength in anymore, and almost without realizing it, I started to sob. All of my emotions that I ever held in were suddenly released, as if a faucet was turned on in my mind. I fell to my knees in front of him, right there on the kitchen, as I shuddered and the tears rolled down my face.

A second passed, and then he was right there in front of me, kneeling as well, grabbing my trembling form in his strong arms (even after this whole time his arms are still just as muscled as they were before) and holding me tightly against him. I could hardly believe it. I cannot count how many nights that I did this exact same thing with him, clutching him and whispering reassurances into his ear. Our roles had suddenly reversed, and that fact in itself made me cry even harder. Some of my tears were from happiness, others from sorrow. The emotions running through my head were too numerous to count, and my mind barely registered his words as he began to speak to me.

"Faye, I'm sorry," he whispered. "I've put you through so much shit in these past few months. I've put myself through a lot of shit in these past few months…hell, I've put everyone on this ship a lot of shit in the past few months. I want to apologize, but I also want to thank you. This whole time, you've put all of your emotions on hold so that you can care for me. You devoted all of your time and effort to make sure I was happy – well, as happy as I was capable of being, at least. That's a lot more than anyone else on this ship did. And I thank you for it."

That speech that he made left me astonished, and, still crying, I stared at him in shock. His little smirk served to reassure me as his thumb rose to my left cheek and gently brushed away the tears on it. Then he continued to speak in that soft, but powerful tone of his.

"Faye, I was raped. Yes, I can admit it now…to myself as well as others. It was a terrible thing…but it doesn't mean that, because of it, I am incapable of loving you."

"Spike…" How could one man be so full of surprises, and be able to reveal them all in less than five minutes? I did not know, but that thought, as well as any others that I may have had, was soon pushed completely out of my mind as he leaned forward. His eyelids slowly flickered shut, and, of their own accord, mine did as well. It was a magical moment as his lips gently brushed against mine and his arms tightened around my waist; it didn't matter that my cheeks were wet from crying or that we were both kneeling on the floor of an extremely small kitchen. All that mattered to me was that I was finally getting that kiss, that show of love and affection from the only man that I've ever loved this much. Even the aftermath of a rape could not break his love for me, or my love for him. His rapist tried to ruin Spike's life but he obviously did not succeed, because here he was, kissing me, showing me through one gesture that he truly was recovering.

When he finally pulled away – God, those seconds seemed like an eternity – I stared at him, then burst into tears again. This time, however, my weeping was of joy rather than sorrow. Communicating worlds with those loving eyes of his, Spike slowly arose, taking my hand and helping me up as well, then walked away from me into his bedroom.

I can no longer write anymore – my joyful tears are beginning to smudge my writing. All I can do tonight is rest assured in the fact that Spike really does love me, that there's an enormous weight off my chest, and that I love him more than I ever have before.

May 2, 2073

Jett and Ed returned today, and now we are seven million woolongs richer. I wonder if they have noticed (or, if Jett has noticed at least) the difference between Spike and I. We definitely have chemistry between us; I still am giddy over the events that took place yesterday. Not only that, but I am so excited that Spike can actually admit that he was raped without getting distressed or bursting into tears. Have they noticed the way that I grin in a silly and excited manner whenever I see him? Have they noticed, as well, the fact that Spike chuckles and blushes whenever our eyes meet? If they have, I don't mind at all. I don't even mind that I'm acting like a stupid schoolgirl. A change really has come over me…but I know it's for the better.

May 4, 2073

Oh God, Spike is gone.

Now I know why he was looking so intently at Ed's laptop: he was looking for the location of his rapist. He was looking for it so he could leave, alone, and kill him!

I can't stop shaking. Oh God, oh God.

When he woke me up early this morning to tell me, I honestly did not believe him at first. "I'm going after him, Faye," he whispered, gently shaking my shoulder, and I remember chuckling at his seemingly ludicrous statement.

"Spike, get back to bed…it's too early in the morning…" I groaned, shutting my eyes again and figuring that was the end of it. However, the incessant shaking of my shoulder did not cease.

"Faye, I'm serious. I know where he is – I hacked into Ed's database. My ship is ready to go. I just…" his voice broke for one second before he swallowed and got it back under control again. "I just wanted to say goodbye to you."

Suddenly I realized just what he was saying. He was going to leave, alone – I already knew he would not accept my help if I offered it – and fight against the man that had nearly destroyed his entire life. "I'm going to kill him, Faye. I'm prepared this time. I won't let him…I won't let him rape me again." I realized that my abrupt trembling was not because of the cold, and looked up at him with tears in my eyes.

"Spike…you don't have to do this," I begged to him, even though I could tell by the look in his eyes that no amount of talking I did would persuade him from doing it. His mind was set; he had not come into my room to be talked out of his plan, but had simply come to say goodbye. With a last-ditch effort, I tried again. "I could follow you," I said desperately. "In case you need backup…"

The steely look in his eyes did not diminish. "Faye, I have to do this alone. You know that just as well as I do. If…if anyone tries to follow me, I'll shoot them down."

He got off of my bed to leave, but I desperately pulled him back down and kissed him deeply, feeling my eyes tearing up and wondering to myself if this was the last time that I'll ever see him. "Spike…I…I…" I began to confess my love to him, but he stopped me before I could choke it out.

"I know…save it for when I return."

And then he arose from my bed and walked out the door. A few minutes afterwards, when my body wasn't quite so shaky anymore, I got up and chased after him. I got to the hangar just as his ship was leaving, and I screamed at his retreating back, "You'd better come back alive, you…you…lunkhead! Especially after all that's happened between us! If you don't I'll…I'll…" I could not finish my thought after my voice trailed off – I don't know what I'll do.

God, I'm so worried about him. What if he doesn't come back? I know I need to keep hope alive…but I'm not sure I can.

I hope he's ok…I don't know what would happen if he isn't.

Come back soon, Spike…oh God, please come back soon…because…

I love you.

To Be Continued

Author's Notes – I UPDATED!! YAY!!! Does the happy authoress update dance... And this chapter is long, but boy is it sappy! Muahaha! Let yourself be immersed in the sappiness of Spike/Faye romance! I'm really proud of it, actually. I hope you guys like it too, and I hope it makes you feel better about Spike's well being. Now you just need to worry about whether he'll make it back safely or not…

Ok, so I really hope you guys liked this chapter, because it's certainly happier than the other four by a long shot. Maybe I moved things a little bit quickly, but I kinda liked the pace of the story. There's really only one more chapter left for me to write anyway, so I also felt I kinda had to quicken the action. If you feel differently about it, then why don't you review? And for all of you that reviewed me telling me how much you liked it, thank you! And I hope that you notice that yes, I did indeed update. So…sorry it took me so long to update! I promise updates will at least get a little bit more regular. Thanks for reading, guys! Until the next update (the final chapter, guys! Isn't it crazy? 'o'), PP