Faye's Diary, Chapter Six: By Phoenix Pinion
May 5, 2073
It's been one day since Spike left.
After his ship roared out of the hangar, as I got the last glimpse of the man I love gliding away from me, Jett, dressed only in a pair of briefs and rubbing his eyes sleepily, ran into the hangar next to me. "What…what…?" he stammered, staring at the ship, then at my tearful eyes, then back at the ship, now a tiny blip in the blackness of space. It looked like a star…Then he realized. Jett realized what had happened, and he ran his mechanical hand over his bald head and cursed.
"God damn it! That fucking idiot…what is he planning to accomplish?" He continued raging as I stared at the spot his ship had used to be. I just turned and walked back into the ship, leaving Jett yelling out his fears, worries and frustrations.
"He's going to kill his rapist," I whispered, hugging myself tightly and feeling numbness wash over my recently revitalized thoughts and emotions. The world spun around me as I took one more shaky step. "He's going to…to kill…his…"
It was then that I collapsed on the metal floor, only a few paces away from the hangar.
I awoke God knows how many hours later lying on my bed. Jett had brought me there, I assumed. It was then that I scribbled my last panicked entry into this diary, sobbing unashamedly and whimpering Spike's name the entire time. I'm going to go back to sleep now. Maybe if I do, I'll wake up and find out this was all just a bad dream…
May 6, 2073
I haven't eaten a bite of food since Spike left. I am so fucking worried about him that I could hardly even uncurl myself from the yellow couch (the place where Spike first laid his head down on my lap, I rued mournfully) and drag myself to my room to fetch my diary. I have been curled into a little ball on the couch ever since I wrote the last entry in this diary, covered in the sheet that Spike used to use when he slept upon it, shivering and watching horrible daytime soap operas and talk shows. Neither Jett nor Ed have tried rousing me; I think they know that their efforts would be unsuccessful if they did try. I feel like I've just lost everything that's dear to me…again.
I mean, what if he's just gone and thrown his whole life away? What about the new love that we share? God, I am so worried…I know that I'm not supposed to lose hope, but it's almost impossible not to. All I can think of is his handsome face, his gentle smile, his romantic kisses. I have the most awful feeling I will never experience these things again.
I'm so scared…
May 7, 2073
It's been three days since Spike left. I look just as awful as I feel, with dark circles under my eyes, tearstains on my face, and body completely unwashed since four days ago. After all, why pretend that I'm fine and that everything's ok not only with Spike, but with me? Why bother?
The only thing I've done lately is write in this diary. It's my lifeline, my strength, the only thing keeping me alive through this terrible ordeal. My writing is terrible because I am shaking so badly, but what does it matter? Spike is gone. My life is gone.
Everything's gone.
May 8, 2073
After three days of laying on the couch staring with glassy and lifeless eyes at the television, I have snapped out of it. Jett finally convinced me to eat some lunch, and to show hope in the situation. He kindly brought me a tray with a glass of cool water and a ham sandwich on it, and when I refused, he said gently, "When Spike comes back he'll be disappointed in you. You need to keep your strength up so you can greet him when he returns." My lower lip began to quiver at that – he was absolutely right – and my hands shook as I took the tray from his hands. As I took a small bite of the sandwich, the tears started to flow, and Jett sat down next to me. In a gentle, fatherly manner, he put his arm around my shoulders and hugged me close, and it was then, as I chewed the sandwich and rolled the bite around in my mouth, and as I began sobbing in earnest, that I finally snapped out of my shock.
Jett is absolutely right; I need to be strong again. What kind of person am I to be so strong for Spike for all this time, for the months that he was torturing himself and struggling within himself, and break down into weakness just before the final battle is won? How can I claim to love a man so deeply and devotedly, yet lose all hope and faith in him when he finally decides to confront and defeat what has tormented him for so long? I feel like a traitor for my thoughts…
Now, I'm not saying that I'm not worried about him. On the contrary, I am so worried about him that I can hardly stand it. I don't know how I could have called myself alive before those lips of his kissed mine, and before he pronounced his love for me. And because of that, I have faith in him; he told me he was prepared, and I believe him. The only thing that worries me about that statement is that he has done some incredibly idiotic things in the past…and if this is one of them, then his life is definitely on the line…
I hope he returns soon.
May 9, 2073
It was a silly thing to try, but I did anyway. Just in case he left it on, I tried to get in touch with him through his communicator. Right as I switched mine on and started to dial his coordinates, I felt something wash deeply over me. I guess I had not realized until then just how much I yearned to see some sign that he was alive, anything to tell me he was still ok. I wanted to hear his voice so badly. Of course, I got nothing but static – he probably threw it away to make sure we couldn't talk with him – but at least I tried.
I also realized today that if I avidly watch Big Shots, maybe I could be the first to find out whether they will have an update on the man that Spike is hunting. They haven't mentioned him for a while, since he literally seemed to drop off of the radar, but maybe they would if Spike can kill him. It certainly would put my aching heart at ease if I could hear anything, good or bad (but hopefully good), about Spike.
It's only been five days, but it feels like a year. I'm praying for your safe return, Spike…come home soon.
May 11, 2073
I wish I at least knew which part of the galaxy Spike was headed for…then I could have some idea of where he is, what he is doing now, and if he is in any sort of danger. I mean, he may not even be halfway to his destination. He could have gotten there by the first day he left, but if that were true, he would be back by now…right? Unless…
It has been harder and harder to keep hope alive as the days have worn on…especially since Jett is obviously getting more worried as well. He refuses to show it when Ed is around, but the moment she leaves the room his face drops, and he looks ten years older. Obviously Spike's long absence is starting to wear on his emotions as well…at least Ed does not seem to notice anything wrong. She still bounces all over the place, tangos with Ein and makes up ridiculous nicknames for all of us. A few times, she has pounced on me (at the most inopportune moments, as always), and said in her oh-so-innocent child's voice, "Where's Spike-person?" I always have looked at her and tried to be as tough as I used to. "He's hunting a bounty right now…the stupid lunkhead." Of course, the comments I make to her while I'm trying too hard not to show my worry only eases hers all the more. She believes me so blindly because Spike has always done this, left without word and come back a month later either empty-handed and starving, or rolling in money. She is still such a naïve child, and I hope she stays that way until she is much older. Whenever I hear her prancing up and down the living room singing, "Lunkhead, lunkhead, lunkheadlunkheadlunkhead" it takes all of my energy not to cry. I want that lunkhead back…I want him to be alive and safe…
May 12, 2073
There is still no word from Big Shots. I'm also trying to look up the status of Spike's assailant on Ed's laptop, but since I have no idea how to hack into Internet files, I haven't been very successful. I don't want to remind Ed of the rapist, so I refuse to ask her for help. I'll just have to be patient and wait even longer, though I've tried my hardest to be patient this whole time. I know that tracking down a bounty takes time, I know that there are so many variables that could account for the fact that Spike isn't back yet, and I want to believe them. But as each day wears on with no Spike, no word at all, nothing, I find myself losing hope.
I remember that Spike once, long ago, in a rare bout of reassurance, told me that "some things just take time." This phrase is silly, almost ridiculous, especially because he was talking about his bowel movements at the time. (I smile a bit just thinking about it, though at the time I punched him instead.) But those words that had at the time only meant to irk me now reassure me. Some things do take time, and I believe that Spike has the foresight, the willpower, and the determination to kill the horrible man who almost killed Spike's soul.
I do believe in you, Spike. I just wish that, sometimes, things could happen faster.
May 14, 2073
I just realized that I'm running out of pages in my diary. Every page before this is filled with my scribbly writing, writing that I had hardly used before I got this. Every page after it is blank, but knows it will be written on someday. Someday soon, it seems, because not many pages remain. Funny, when I first received it I remember marveling at how thick it was, how many pages I would have to fill (if I even started writing in it, of course…back then I was very skeptical of the whole thing). Now I'm realizing just how much I've used – not just used, but needed – this little diary. All of my fears, my tears, my joy, my worries, I have recorded in this diary. I don't think that even Spike realizes how he's saved me emotionally by buying it for me. It's certainly saved my sanity since the rape.
May 16, 2073
Today seemed to be just another day waiting for Spike to return. I had no revelations, no breakdowns. I woke up, applied makeup just for the hell of it, and let the day pass me by. Jett mentioned a bounty for us to catch, because we're running low on woolongs again. But I told him firmly that I was going to wait on this ship until Spike came back. What if he came back and no one was there? What kind of a welcoming would that be, huh? I told him that if he wanted to catch a bounty, he was more than welcome to do it himself.
Was I being stubborn? Yes. A bitch? Probably. But I'm serious as well. When Spike comes back (I've refused to say the word 'if' in conjunction with that sentence anymore), imagine his sadness if he stepped foot into an empty ship, one with no one to greet him on his safe return. I want to be there. I want to be there to share his triumph and to love him.
After that, I lazed on the couch, watching pointless TV and an equally pointless episode of Big Shots. I ate dinner, showered, and watched the same episode of Big Shots over again.
Now, I'm about to sleep a troubled, dreamless sleep and wake up tomorrow to do it all over again.
I've realized that, without Spike, my life has no meaning or purpose.
May 18, 2073 (SPIKE'S HOMECOMING!)
It finally happened.
It finally happened!
SPIKE IS BACK!
After fourteen days, two weeks exactly, Spike has come home. Right now it's nighttime of the same day, and Spike is laying next to me in all of his handsome beauty, quietly sleeping. I'm only daring to write now because he's asleep and I can gaze at his marvelous features while I write. Before now, I focused all of my energy on him and being amazed that he's home, and now I can write this day down so I will never, never, ever forget it.
It started out the same as the last few days. Like I wrote earlier, I woke up, applied makeup just for the hell of it, and prepared to let the day pass me by. As we all ate breakfast (Ed making plane noises and whooshing spoonfuls of egg into Ein's mouth), Jett mentioned he had found a bounty that was worth one million woolongs. He said the man should be an easy catch, and he could get the bounty alone. Touched that he understood why I would not accompany him, I smiled and thanked him, feeling tears of gratitude stinging my eyes. When we were finished eating dinner, Jett arose and prepared to leave for that bounty as I roped Ed into cleaning up the dishes. (I still don't know how exactly I managed that.) As the sea shanties she was belting out drifted to me from the kitchen, I settled myself down on the couch to watch Big Shots. The familiar trumpet blast, then the two Cowboys rushed into the screen. The show had started normally enough, but then it suddenly took a turn.
"Hey there, all you bounty hunters! Have we got some news for you today!" A picture then flashed across the screen, a picture of a man I recognized so well. It was Spike's rapist, and seeing him on that screen suddenly made my heart stop. I didn't realize my hands were so tightly squeezing my knees that small drops of blood were dripping down my hands until I felt the liquid, but I didn't care. This was the news I had been waiting for for two long weeks.
"This man, one of the most dangerous bounties of our time, was found yesterday in a ship near Mars. He was found dead." The lady clutched at the man's sleeve in the show.
"Ooh, scary!" she simpered. "What about the bounty hunter? Didn't he want the huuuuge reward that's been offered for this guy's head?"
"I guess not. But hey, it's just one less bounty to worry about in the big scheme of things. And that may have been our big news, but stay tuned, because we've got some other bounties for you as well!"
The show cut to a commercial break, but I hardly noticed. All I could think about was Spike. He had done what he set out to do. He had killed the man who had raped him and taken away his dignity. Tears of helpless relief and joy streamed down my face. Everything was going to be ok…
I sat on the couch for the next hour in a daze. I remember Ed walking by once and commenting on the blood on my knees and hands. I can't remember exactly what she said, though. I remember Jett telling me goodbye, and he told me once more something about how I shouldn't worry. I can't remember his exact words either. I just remember that I never stopped smiling during that whole hour.
And, at 12:51 precisely, just as I had finished washing up my knees and hands, I walked out of my room to hear a voice that I have missed for two weeks hollering, "HEY, IS ANYONE HERE? FAYE? JETT? ED? ANYONE?"
Oh my God, I thought hysterically, and my heart stopped for the second time that day. I took one deep breath before running to the hangar, where his voice emanated.
Sure enough, Spike was there…standing next to his ship…looking hardly worse for wear. When he noticed I was standing there in the doorway with a panicked, relieved, so fucking happy look on my face, his yelling softened to a loving smile. "Faye…I did it." He said this as I ran to him, tears of joy leaking from my eyes, and practically leaped into his arms. Spike was back…everything was all right now.
And sure enough, it was. After he held me for minutes, gently mumbling into my ear how he was ok, how everything was fine, how the bastard was finally dead now and couldn't hurt anyone else, we walked hand in hand into the ship. No longer am I afraid to hide my love was Spike, and it seems he feels the same. We walked into the ship, and I breathlessly told him that Jett was gone to catch a bounty and that Ed…was Ed, and I had no idea where she was. Spike smiled at me again, and my knees felt weak with raw, crushing love. "It's ok," he whispered. "I only wanted to see you anyway."
We walked into my room then, I unable to keep my mouth shut and babbling to him everything that had happened on the ship in the past two weeks, he smiling at my enthusiasm and happiness and listening with love in his eyes. Once we were inside, we sat down on the bed, and I hugged him again. It only now was starting to sink in that he was truly here, that he was all right. A comfortable silence settled over the room as we sat and embraced. Finally he pulled back and held me at arm's length. It was then that I asked him what had happened.
"Well, I went to where Ed's laptop told me he'd be. That took about six days. Once I got there…we fought, and I killed him. He wasn't able to take advantage of me this time, though he got a few good licks on me." As he said that, I noticed for the first time the light-colored bruise that was underneath his right eye. "Then…I traveled back. I left his body there because I didn't want the woolongs, only the revenge. He's gone, Faye. I killed the bastard and neither of us have to think of him again."
"Oh, Spike…" I hugged him again, refusing to let him go, never wanting him to leave me again. Finally, I pulled back enough to where our faces were close, but not touching. Then I smiled at him and narrowed my eyes. "So, Spike, this is for leaving." As I said that, I slapped him across the face, and, clearly stunned, he stared at me. "But…this is for coming back…" I pulled him close again and kissed him hard, a kiss that he did not resist. When we broke the kiss, he smiled.
"Somehow, that was what I expected. Now…I have to take a shower. I stink."
As he showered, I got communication with Jett and told him the wonderful news. He, of course, called off his search and said he would be at the Bebop by tomorrow. I also roused Ed from her slumber (I found her dead asleep with Ein in a kitchen cupboard), and she eagerly waited outside of the bathroom for Spike to emerge.
The three of us ate dinner later on that day, after Spike good-naturedly let Ed hug him and crawl all over him like a monkey. (My hand is starting to get sore after all the writing I've already done, but I want to always remember this day…I want to write it down as accurately as possible.) The whole time during dinner Spike and I simply stared lovingly at each other, each affirming within ourselves the love that his absence had strengthened all the more. It must have been a sickening sight, but I don't care. All I care about is Spike, is the fact that he's alive, well, and back.
Now here we lay, Spike snoring gently and I right next to him, stealing glances at him as I write. He's back…he's back…I can't write that enough.
Spike has returned, and now I'm reborn.
May 19, 2073
Even though I was so furious at Spike for leaving, I can now say that it was for the best. His eyes are so alive, his smiles so genuine, his kisses so loving.
Today was wonderful. Jett returned, and he had a gruff, awkward, trying-to-hold-tears-in reunion with Spike. They stared at each other for a moment, then Jett said roughly, "I'm glad you're back, you old bastard," and awkwardly wrapped his real arm around Spike's shoulders. Spike just laughed and dodged his embrace.
"I'm glad to see you've become a softie in my absence," he teased. Jett looked offended, but didn't care enough to retort. I guess he's just like all of us: he's so happy that Spike is back.
I practically haven't been able to stay away from him since yesterday. (He certainly doesn't mind, of course.) The only place I do not follow him into like a lovesick puppy is into the bathroom.
Ah, I'm so happy he's back.
Finally, everything's back to normal.
May 30, 2073
It's been a while, I know. Everything has been so amazing, so awesomely normal and all right and ok in the past eleven days, that I am struggling even now to find something to write about.
Spike and I are becoming closer than I ever believed was possible. I don't have to be a haughty, selfish bitch to him anymore, and he no longer has to be an ass. We are simply ourselves, and our love is deep and irrevocable.
Spike mentioned yesterday as we lay on the couch together, watching a silly movie, that one good thing had come out of his rape: it had taught us both to love. And, in a way, he's right. I guess tragedy really does leave love in its wake. It certainly did for Spike and I.
Jett seems almost disgusted by us at times, by our love that so suddenly has sprung up, but he is happy too. I can see it in his eyes; he is so happy for us. He wants things in his life to work out and is delighted when they do, and the two of us were one of those things.
Ed, on the other hand, is still just Ed. A few days ago she knocked on the door to Spike's room. The two of us had been quietly talking about everything and nothing when we heard her knock, and when I answered the door, she asked with wide eyes, "Are you guys making babies?" Spike got me to laugh about it afterwards, but I was mortified when I first heard that oh-so-innocent question from her mouth.
Yes, things are still wonderful. I never thought that I would learn to love again, especially to love so deeply. But I do, and Spike does, and the whole thing is like a wonderful miracle.
If I believed in religion, Spike would be my angel…
June 5, 2073
Spike and I have decided to leave the Bebop.
"Too many bad memories," he told me, lolling on my bed yesterday morning as I squinted in front of my mirror, applying mascara to my eyes. "We don't need to be Cowboys anymore. Don't you see? We love each other." And I realized, almost stunned, that he was right. Though I have been a Cowboy since as long as I can remember, I now don't need to be one anymore. I'm no longer alone in life, and I don't need freelance work that hardly ever pays out to tell me who I really am.
We talked about it a little longer, to make sure it was what we truly wanted. "I have some woolongs saved up," he said quietly, "we can live off of that for a while until we find real jobs."
"I do too," I recalled. "I was going to buy you a gift, though…" Spike smiled at my downcast expression as I realized I had forgotten to buy him anything since I said I would long months ago. He told me that it was all right, that leaving this godforsaken ship would be more of a gift to him than anything my woolongs could buy. When we pooled our money, we found out we had enough to buy a decent place in maybe Venus, or Mars. Wherever we go, it will be amazing.
When we told Jett, at first he was angry, but then he realized it was for the best. I think he said something about how he'd rejoin the police force he left so long ago. Ed, of course, was terribly sad, but she's going back to Earth with Ein for more adventures. We're all leaving each other, but it's for the best. Everything will be fine now, and we all know it.
I've reached the last page of my diary. It seems as though I'm finishing this part of my life to start a completely new one, one I'm sure will be better than the last. Before Spike's rape, after Spike's rape and his revenge: it's all behind me now. Now I have Spike, Spike has me, and we can do anything together.
A new start for Faye Valentine, ex-bounty huntress extraordinaire. I like that.
Goodbye, for the last time.
She surveyed the last written page of the diary, reading it fondly one last time before closing the book and tucking it underneath her arm. Having already packed her meager possessions, she surveyed the room to make sure she did not miss anything else. It looked bare and emptily back at her. She smiled, however, at the emptiness. A new start…
"Ready to go?" Faye smiled at the lovely sound of Spike's proud voice, so beckoning and hopeful for the future, no longer laden with the woes of the past. She turned and smiled, picking up her single suitcase with her empty hand.
"Yep, I think I'm all packed. And hey…I do have a gift for you."
Still smiling, she pecked him lightly on the cheek, then she placed her diary in his hand. He surveyed it, at first confused, examining the hand-stitched vine of roses curling around the black cloth cover and the letters "F.V." monogrammed at the bottom. The recognition then dawned, and he chuckled.
"Oh! It's that diary I gave you! You actually used that old thing?"
"You'd be surprised," Faye laughed, putting an arm around him and leading him out of the room. "It's yours now to do with as you'd like. Now, let's get out of here."
Out to the hangar they walked to their respective ships, two lovers joined together by tragedy, starting anew in the sometimes cruel, sometimes lovely game of life.
The end of one story, the beginning of the next…
Author's notes: Oh my dear sweet God. I finished this story! Finally, eh? It's finally done. I'm kind of sad at that realization, but all in all, very satisfied and proud. I hope you guys liked reading this story as much as I loved writing it. I had fun every step of the way. Again, thank you all for all of your support. You guys are amazing. PP