Part Two

Pooh was a bear of little brain, and his only worry in the world was whether or not there was a pot of honey in his pantry.

Pooh had the life as far as fat silly bears are concerned. He lived in a very cushy house that his roommate retired NFL running back Shawsey Sanders mostly paid for. He spent his days watching Shawsey's sixty-five inch home theater with surround sound TV, going to parties, playing the inactive game of "Pooh Sticks," having tea and goodies with Piglet, and stuffing himself with honey until he felt if he ate a bite more he would puke. While this lifestyle is as desirable to old bears as Hugh Heffner's is to old men, it was not a healthy existence.

Winnie the Pooh had always been on the portly side because of his love for food, and his corn fed ways. But in his adult years smackerals of honey became one smackeral of a problem. For one thing Pooh was always splitting open his silky red lounge shirts that he liked to bum around the wood in. As an adolescent he wore an extra large. That soon became XX large, then XXX large, and now he wore a XXXX large. He would wheeze and huff and puff even during the least demanding physical activity such as getting the mail, bringing his empty honey pots to the dishwasher, or having a bowel movement.

Pooh's friends were concerned for their favorite silly bear's health. One time Pooh, Tigger, Christopher-Robin, and Eeyore went out for dinner. Pooh demanded they go to Old Country Buffet because it was all–you-can-eat fried honey battered shrimp night. At $6.99 all the food you could possibly want at the buffet there weren't any complaints, except from Old Country Buffet when Pooh nearly ate them out of business. Pooh piled his plate high with fried shrimp, fried chicken, potato salad, onion rings, french fries, pot roast, mashed potatoes and gravy, biscuits drenched in honey, BBQ, coleslaw, corn with butter, macaroni and cheese, cold mayonnaise loaded salads, cornbread, prime rib, pork chops, and this was just his first trip up. He hadn't yet tackled the desert, pasta, or sandwich table yet.

"Hey Dude leave some for the other customers," Tigger said as Pooh scraped up all the broccoli cheese soup out of the pot.

"Tigger," said Pooh. "I know I'm a bear of little brain but how can I pass it up at only $6.99? I need to get my money's worth. There's always room in my tummy for my money's worth."

"Yeah but is there room in that tight red shirt?" Tigger replied. Pooh's face turned as red as his shirt, and he felt rather embarrassed. His shirt was bulging at the seams from Pooh's honey gut. But that didn't stop him from running the soft serve ice cream machine empty building world's largest ice cream cone for dessert. He also took two pieces of every pie and cake on the table, made a huge ass sundae, scoffed up all the pudding, and ate seventeen cookies.

After their meal they went hot rodding in Christopher-Robin's red pickup truck around the Hundred Acre Wood. After an hour of driving, Pooh demanded they stop at Bennigans so he could order a few plates of appetizers. Eeyore, Tigger, and Christopher-Robin were quite full. They sat and sipped cokes while Pooh scoffed down plates of potato skins loaded with sour cream, cheese, and bacon, spicy chicken wings, creamy spinach dip with tortilla chips, and french fries loaded with cheese and chili.

"Pooh you're such a gluten pig!" Christopher-Robin announced for the whole restaurant to hear. "I bet the clothing that sumo wrestlers wear would be too tight on you. You're so fat they'd charge you for five seats on Southwest airlines!"

"Fuck that dude," said Tigger. "They'd need to fly in a separate jet bigger than Air Force One to fit Pooh in!"

"And Pooh's weight would cause it to crash during take off," Christopher-Robin chimed in. "Then there would be nothing but Pooh's lard seeping all over the runway, and eventually seeping over the whole Hundred Acre Wood!"

"It would be okay if Pooh's lard drowned the whole wood," Eeyore said. "The force of impact from Pooh hitting the ground would cause us all to die anyway. Our bodies just would be covered in lard for all eternity instead of being eating by worms and slugs. The Hundred Acre Wood is an armpit anyway."

"Is not," Christopher-Robin retorted. "I can't imagine a worse way of dying then being slimed to death by Pooh's blubber."

"Well Pooh will probably die one night late in his bed of a heart attack," said Eeyore. "Happens to the obese all the time. "Every time my phone rings I expect it to be a frantic phone call saying that Pooh has keeled over."

Pooh's other friends had more humane ways of letting Pooh know he was beyond big boned. Once Piglet dragged Pooh to see the ballet Giselle. Pooh was saved from having to sit through it for three hours by his blubber. Pooh's ass took up five seats in the theater, and Piglet had only bought two tickets. Others had bought the seats around them, and Pooh and Piglet were escorted out.

"Oh bother," Pooh said once they had been kicked out of the theater and all Piglet could do was peep at the ballet through the crack in the closed theater doors. "I guess I'm just a little bit too chubby."

"Chubby?" Piglet asked. "Oh Pooh I don't think I'd call it that."

"Really Piglet?" Pooh replied. "You don't think I'm chunky?"

"No," said Piglet. "I think, I think."

"What do you think?" Pooh demanded.

"Oh dear. I'm afraid to tell you," Piglet cried. "I'm afraid you won't be my friend anymore."

"I'd be your friend even if you told me you crashed one of the planes into the World Trade Center on September 11," said Pooh. "What is it?"

"Well Pooh," said Piglet. "You're grossly overweight and I'm worried about your health. I think you should see a nutritionist and go on a diet."

Owl also confronted Pooh about going on a diet. They were at a party at Kanga's house and she served cake. Pooh was standing there gobbling down his fifth piece when Owl who had a little too much cognac came up to Pooh and announced very loudly

"that piece of cake is the last thing a fat hog like you needs! You shouldn't eat anything but lettuce and carrot sticks. You should give that piece to one of the anorexic bimbos with the fake boobies that Tigger dates. Have you ever thought about going on this really great cabbage soup diet? My great uncle's godfather went on it and lost thirty pounds in two months!"