PartSix

One Saturday afternoon Shawsey tired to figure out a way to get Pooh out of the house for the evening. He had a brand new honey he wanted to have over for dinner and champagne and a big fat Pooh bear sacked out on the couch didn't fit with the ambiance that Shawsey wanted to create. Pooh was lying on the couch eyes glued to the sixty-five inch TV screen, watching Ohio State get creamed by Michigan. A baby size empty bowl of Special K cereal sat next to him. Pooh hadn't showered or changed his red shirt in weeks. Shawsey could see dandruff flakes in his golden fur, and his sweat smelled like a combination of dirty socks and vinegar.

"Hey Pooh Bear have any plans for tonight?" Shawsey asked.

"Yeah," Answered Pooh. "Children of the Corn is on HBO tonight."

"I think you should go out instead," said Shawsey. "Why don't you call up Piglet, or Tigger and have a little fun. I'll give you some cash."

"Can't" Pooh replied as he stared at the TV and scratched his privates.

"Why not?" Shawsey asked. "I'll give you some money."

"Because," said Pooh. "I can't eat nothing."

"You can eat a little," said Shawsey. "You don't have to eat every last morsel of food they give you on your plate at a restaurant."

"But then it goes to waste," Pooh whined.

"Bring it home to me in a doggie bag," said Shawsey. "We'll have it for breakfast tomorrow."

"Oh bother you don't understand," Pooh moaned.

"Pooh you need to get out of the house. You've hardly moved from the couch in weeks." Shawsey said.

"Get your stomach stapled and see how you feel," Pooh replied.

"You need to go out with your friends. See a movie. You don't have to get popcorn at the movie," said Shawsey.

"Yeah I do," said Pooh. "All of my friends will and then the buttery smell will drive me crazy until I get some and then my stomach will ache and I'll puke."

"Go to the mall. I'll give you my credit card. Buy some new clothes. Something besides red shirts," Shawsey pressed.

"Oh bother," said Pooh. "I detest shopping malls. I went to the mall with Piglet once. I thought I died and went to hell." He began to play with his privates, while still staring blankly at the TV. Sanders was ready to shove a brick through the TV screen.

"Then go to a night club, or go bowling, or go to a play," Shawsey snapped. "But get out of my living room! For the past few weeks I've been dying to have this chick over and I can't because I know you'll be here sacked out on the couch pissing and moaning about your surgery!"

"But I had my stomach stapled and my intestines tugged and tweaked at," Pooh yelled. "Think how you would feel if that happened to you!"

"I don't care," said Shawsey. "It's time to move on! Al Roker had the same surgery as you did and he was back on The Today Show within three days! It's time that you go out and do something! Go sit in a church for a few hours but get off of my couch! I did not want a Pooh Bear as a permanent fixture in my living room!"

"Fine!" Pooh screamed. "Have your ho over! I'll just go sit in my room for the evening like Harry Potter does at the Dursley's and I won't make one little peep until your whore is gone!" Pooh got up and went stalking off to his bedchamber, and slammed the door. Shawsey sighed.

"I think I liked him better when he was fat. I guess I'd rather have him eat me out of house and home than chase me out of house and home. "

Shawsey Sanders climbed up the ladder and rapped on the door of Owl's tree house. He had to do something about Pooh. He couldn't spend another day having to tippy toe around the house while Pooh lay on the couch watching soap operas and talk shows while eating little portions of fruit and salad.

"Shawsey what brings you here?" Said a very surprised Owl. "Have you come to hear a story? You know my great great nephew played football in college. He was a full back and a very talented one. He ran for"

"I need to talk about Pooh," said Shawsey who was sick of football stories. "He has hardly left my house since his surgery. I have no privacy at all!"

"Well I haven't seen Pooh at any parties or gatherings lately," said Owl. "I figured since he had his stomach stapled that he had more important things to do."

"No he just sits on my couch all day and night watching TV and feeling sorry because he can't eat like a pig anymore," Shawsey answered.

"Come have a spot of tea," said Owl as he put the tea kettle on the stove. "Let me tell you about my second aunt Owlina who was bulimic."

"I don't want to be an asshole Owl but I don't really care about your bulimic aunt," said Shawsey. "I want Winnie the Pooh to be back to his old self. The old Pooh loved to go out and see his pals. He liked parties, and playing Pooh sticks, and going to football games. I mean he's always been a couch slug but at least before he'd usually go out on a Saturday night and he wasn't always so crabby. He's like living with perpetual PMS!"

"My grandmother used to have terrible PMS," said Owl. "She went on birth control for it. Maybe that's what Pooh Bear needs."

"Oh god," Shawsey sighed. "I almost wished he was fat again. At least then I never had to feel guilty if I wanted to eat a cookie in front of him. Now he gives me this pitiful look like he's an orphan child or something." Owl poured Shawsey a cup of Assam tea and brought out a plate of jelly cookies.

"You don't have to feel guilty for eating cookies here," said Owl. "My sister Owla made these cookies from an ancient family recipe. I don't see why the doctor couldn't just reverse the surgery. It's not like they took parts of his stomach out. They just stapled it. They should be able to take out the staples."

"That's a great idea!" Shawsey exclaimed. "Pooh's already lost some weight since the surgery. He'd be able to eat again and go out with his friends! Do you really think they could do it?"

"Even though I have my Ph.D. in Civil War history, and a bachelors in military history I don't have an M.D," said Owl. "However I did graduate with a bachelors from West Point, a masters from Harvard, and the doctorate from Yale, and I know a lot of medical doctors. I don't see why not."

"Thanks Owl," Shawsey said as he finished his tea. "I'm going to go over to the hospital right now and see. These cookies are real good. Mind if I take a few?"

"Not at all," said Owl. Shawseyy Sanders shoved five cookies into his pocket and headed over to see Doctor House. Pooh would be overjoyed when he received the good news.