Chapter 20: The Feeling of Guilt

Two full weeks went by with nothing eventful happening whatsoever. They would see Shoji some days, much more often than before, but a few days he didn't show up at all, and Kaoru would snag a nap near the edge of the training ground with Sano and a few other guys. Needless to say, she was very well rested as of these days and stronger too. She could feel the muscle in her arms. She wasn't quite so skimpy anymore.

Day after day, it was the same old stuff, and it got tedious after awhile. Once she tried spicing it up by imitating one of Kenshin's moves. If Yahiko could do it, why not her? She ended up totally screwing it up and falling on her face and being laughed at by a few of the other guys. She dusted off her pride and stuck to what she was originally doing, mastering Battou Jutsu.

After a day of napping with little bits of training in between, she found herself in bed that night, completely and utterly unable to sleep.

Lying there, staring at the ceiling, she did all she could to fall asleep, yet sleep would not come. She was restless.

It was then that she felt it…

This must have been this ki thing that Kenshin had talked about. He'd been trying to help her sense it over the week, but she hadn't had much luck. Yet, this one stood out clearly, as if it was calling to her.

She soundlessly got up and walked across the floor, concentrating on the source. Once she got onto the porch, she could tell it was coming from her left, near the poles where men were punished.

She slowly and cautiously found her way over. The moon was bright on this night, so things were easy to see.

When she reached the edge of the wall, she was just about to turn the corner, when a voice said, "You're fine. Stay there."

She gasped.

"Don't be afraid, Kaoru-chan."

She recognized that voice.

"Soujirou?" She whispered fiercely, peeking around the corner.

"Long time no see, Kaoru-chan," Soujirou said beaming at her, but soon his face darkened to a serious expression. "Unfortunately, I'm not just here to chit-chat. I can't stick around long or I might be caught."

"Caught by who?" She asked.

"That's not important," He replied quickly. "Just listen…"

She placed her back against the wall and did so.

"It's not safe here anymore… I want you to run away from this place, Kaoru."

"What!"

"I mean it, Kaoru. This is no place for a woman, and I can't let you get hurt. Pardon my language, but some bad shit is about to happen."

"What makes you think that?" Kaoru asked angrily.

"I can't disclose any information yet because I'm not positive that it's accurate. I do, however, know that there are quite a few people that could hurt you, and I can't let it happen."

She came around the corner and pinned him against the wall. "If you think I'm going to leave because you tell me to, you've got to be insane."

"-but, Kaoru-"

"Listen to me. I'm on a mission. I've got to protect the ones that I love at no matter what the cost, and I will not abandon that mission because you think danger is approaching me. Danger is the thing I have to face, not run from. Why did you think I'd listen?"

"I-- I was hoping you would," He said regretfully. Her hands loosened on his shoulders when he reached up and touched her face. His hands were surprisingly soft. "Kaoru…"

She knew exactly what was going on. She had felt the same way on occasion with Kenshin…

"I'm in love with Kenshin," She said, putting her hand against his wrist. "I'm sorry."

He smiled. "I knew that… but please… at least think about what I've said."

The sound of the front door sliding open startled him. "I must go," He said, and escaped without a sound into the bushes. She stared after him.

"Kasuhige," Shoji's unwelcoming voice called. "What are you doing?"

"I--- I was just going to pee, sir," She lied. It was strange how easy it was to lie to him.

He glared at her. "Were you talking to someone?"

"Just myself, sir…"

His eyes narrowed more if possible, and he left her alone. She breathed a sigh of relief and looked back towards the woods. Soujirou was long gone.

Lying in bed again that night, she thought about what he'd said. When did he fall in love with her? -or was she just imagining it and got nervous? It made her a bit uncomfortable, thinking about that. He had told her to leave, and that made her angry, yes… but what was about to happen? Maybe she could get Kenshin, Yahiko, and Sanosuke to go too if things did get too serious…

She rolled on her side and stared at the stairway, remembering the conversation she and Kenshin had had there. Suddenly, she felt even more wracked with guilt… It came upon her like a wave, and she hadn't felt this bad about it ever. Her opening up to Yahiko had really made her realize just how many lies she told, just how much she'd deceived them. How would they react when they found out that she had deluded them in such a way? Would they ever trust her again? Would they even let her explain?

Kaoru pulled the blanket over her head and put her hands over her mouth, hot tears burning at the edge of her lashes. I just want to help them so they come back to me… but what if I'm the one who pushes them AWAY! She shook violently to hold back her sob, and eventually, she had to get up and run out of the building.

She rushed down the steps, then flung herself around one of the trees at the edge of the training area and sobbed, slowly dropping to her knees. "What have I done? What have I done!" She swept her tears away with the edge of her sleeve, but they instantly returned. "How could I have been so stupid… I can save them, I know… but somehow I feel like I'm going to fail… I feel like I've failed… They'll hate me… when they find out the truth…" She calmed down and settled to sniffling. "I don't know if I could bare it… if they hated me… I just don't want to be alone again…"

She turned around and placed her back against the tree and took a few deep breaths. "Now, now, Kaoru," She told herself. "I need to calm down… I know they wouldn't react that way, right?… I mean, surely they'd allow me to explain… and Megumi! Megumi will back me up…" She shook herself and smacked her cheeks, then wiped them clean. "It'll be okay…"

She stood up and sighed. "…but… what if it's not…? Just imagining them not being in my life… especially Kenshin…" She put her fists to her chest. "My heart aches…"

After standing in silence for a moment, a thought came across her mind. Should I… tell him?

She shook her head. That would jeopardize the situation… or… had it already gone to far to even make that much of a difference…?

As she entered the temple again, she decided to think about it. This was a decision that had been haunting her since day one, and it required a lot of thought before just rushing into things. Would she, or not? If she did, how would she do it? Would she be discreet or open? What time? What place? What would she say? The questions alone made the 'keeping it a secret' part a lot more appealing.

She laid down on her futon for the third time that night and curled up under the covers. How could only one night bring so many questions to her mind. Soujirou's voice in her head was still begging her to leave this place, and if she was not determined to help out, she would have in a heartbeat. What she wondered was… would she be any help at all?

-

Training continued the next morning, and surprisingly, Shoji decided to show up to this practice. Kaoru didn't pay him any regard as she worked her way through the entire workout. Yet, she couldn't help but fill that there were eyes upon her. Whenever she glanced over her shoulder, she would see Aoshi, standing with his arms crossed, his cold eyes upon her. His icicle-stabbing stare sent shivers down her spine.

Why was he watching her? What was he trying to pull out of her brain?

A man's fist landed in her stomach while she was distracted, and she crumpled to the ground. Yahiko appeared from nowhere and nailed the guy in the face.

"Hey, Kahei, are you okay?" Yahiko asked, helping her up.

"Bastard," She muttered in the other guy's direction. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Usually you're not so distracted," He said as she dusted herself off.

"Aoshi's been staring at me. It's freaking me out," She told him.

Yahiko glanced over her shoulder, and Aoshi looked away.

"Well, he's not now… Come on, we'll go to the other side of the field so he can't distract you."

"Yeah, thanks," She said, trailing him at the edge of the crowd.

"This is a good spot," He said once they were far from everyone else and plopped down on the ground. "I need a break."

She stared out at the crowd that was pretty much nothing more than men beating the crap out of each other and enjoying it way too much.

"Yahiko…" She spoke wistfully, not looking at him.

"Yeah, what?" He asked as he drew figures in the dirt with a stick.

"I was wondering… if you ever wanted to ask someone something, but you were afraid that after you asked it… they wouldn't like you anymore…"

"I dunno…" Yahiko said, tossing the stick down. "I've always had a rough life, up until the point I met Kenshin and Kaoru… After that, I kinda just learned not to face my life with fear. I act on impulse. I do as I think is best. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, shit. I'll face my own consequences. I don't let anything hold me down."

She smiled. "I figured you'd say that…"

"So, why do you ask?"

"I've… not been entirely truthful to someone close to me…" Talk about an understatement. She'd been untruthful to three people close to her, and it was more than what she said. "I feel like if I tell this person the truth… they'll hate me for deceiving them…"

Yahiko stared at her for a long time. "You… you're not a spy, are you?"

"NO!" She screamed. "I'm not a spy! It's something entirely different that has nothing to do with that!"

Yahiko rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry… I was just making sure."

She crossed her arms and pouted. "I'm not. This has something to do with my feelings, not this stupid training camp."

"Your feelings…?" Yahiko asked. "You're not a homosexual, are you?"

"No!" She growled. "Just forget it. Forget that I asked."

He dusted himself off as he stood and put his hand on her shoulder. "Hey, Kahei, I trust you. You'll tell me if you want to."

"You wouldn't trust me… if you knew me…" She mumbled, feeling guilt-ridden and somber. She walked away without another word to him. He called out, but she did not look back. He was good enough not to follow.

This feeling gets worse and worse… This pain… This guilt… I'll go insane if I keep this up… All these lies…! She walked quickly as she could.

BAM! Unexpectedly, she was knocked to the ground in the middle of the brawl. Her mind erased the current thoughts she was carrying, and she immediately threw her hands over her head as men fought each other, unnoticeably stomping all around her. She felt feet start to pound upon her back, but someone snatched her by the ankle and yanked her out.

She looked up hopefully, expecting to see Kenshin, but her smile faded quickly. "Kasuhige," Shoji said, looking delighted that he had her at his control. "I see you're proving just how useless you are."

The words shattered her. She truly was no help…

Shoji smirked and threw her down, then gave her a good, hard kick in the stomach. "Get up and try to be useful, boy!" He yelled, marching away.

"Kahei!" She heard Sano's voice as she pulled herself onto her hands and knees, trembling. Then, as soon as she was in position, she vomited. "Are you all right?"

She let out a bit of a moan as she wiped her mouth. "Yeah… I'm fine…"

"You should go see Megumi," He said.

"Go see her yourself! I said that I'm fine!" She yelled, smacking him away as she stood up.

"-but-"

"Leave me alone!" She shouted, running away. Sano started to chase after, but he got caught in the crowd.

She bumped into a person and fell. When she looked up, her vision was blurry with tears. "No…" She whimpered. "Not you… not now…"

Kenshin kneeled down in front of her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing…" She said. He stared deep into her eyes, and she realized that she was indeed… lying again… "Everything! Okay!"

He put his hand on her face and wiped her tears away. "Maa, it's all right."

"It's not all right! You don't understand! You can't!"

Kenshin didn't respond. "Maybe sessha doesn't, but he wants to help."

"The only one… who can help me now… is me…" She told him, hanging her head. "You can't help me…"

He nodded and stood up. The sun sank behind him.

(A/N: Not this chapter, I'm afraid! Please don't hurt me you guys. Oh, man, can you believe it? Twenty chapters! …and a prologue! You guys are awesome for sticking with me through all this. Next chapter will be up as soon as I can get it up, possibly tomorrow or even today. The next chapter will probably be longer than this one, or at least that's what I hope for. I really, really love you guys so much for reading and reviewing. You guys are so cool.)