Chapter 21: Understanding

Training ended at last, and Kaoru was the first one away from the scene. She didn't want to look at or see anyone, especially after her breakdown on the field.

She slowly built a fire for herself so she could see the shore after bathing. "I'm useless, I'm stupid…" She yanked her clothes off in frustration and threw them over a rock. "Why am I here!"

She splashed into the cold water and shivered as she sank into it. The dark sky was covered in clouds, and she heard a slight rumbling in the distance. "Damn…" She whispered. "A storm's coming." Scrubbing down her body quickly, she dunked her body under the water. "As if things couldn't get any worse…"

Her feet reached shore, and she walked across the ground while drying herself off with towels. She wrapped her bandages. "Shit, shit, shit," She cursed, pulling her shirt on. "I've never had so much self-loathing for myself! I've never felt so bad before!"

She yanked her hakama up around her waist. "I'm horribly sad… I'm angry… I'm confused… and I feel so…" Her eyes heated up with tears. "WORTHLESS!" She banged her fists onto the ground. "Why?" She yelled at it, as if it would answer her. "I thought in the beginning that I was doing something good! I thought I was helping the ones I love! Why don't I feel this way now? Send me a sign! Tell me WHY!"

There was no sign to send…

-

When she arrived back at camp, she was one of only four who had returned, none of them that she knew. Her stomach lurched at the thought of food. Her mind was telling her that at the moment she didn't deserve it.

Laying on her futon, she stared at the flight of steps, still badgering herself in her head.

You're such a fool, Kaoru… but what do I do now? She asked herself. Even if I run back home like the coward I am, they'll still know I've been here when they come back and see me with the cropped hair and all the other stuff I did…There's no way to escape it… They'll never trust me again…

She closed her eyes and pulled her blanket over her, not going to sleep, but pretending to be so no one would bother her while her doubt and guilt hung over her head like the rain clouds were hanging in the sky.

Yahiko's, Sano's, and Kenshin's voices rang in her ears like a nightmare when they returned, and she tried her best to ignore them.

Silence came on Kenshin's behalf, and he was in mid-sentence too.

Curiosity overwhelmed her, and she finally opened her eyes and peeked over her shoulder. He was looking right at her.

Her heart skipped a beat. He looked so incredibly gorgeous at that very moment, she could almost feel the dirty thoughts rising in her mind. Yet… he looked sad or disappointed, perhaps…. Concerned? She turned away in shame. How could she possibly think that she'd even deserve someone as wonderful as Kenshin. Even thinking about him that way should have been forbidden. She wondered if she'd ever be able to face him again.

After a few minutes, a soft, unsteady voice caught her ear. "K-Kahei?"'

"What…" She mumbled. Yahiko.

"I… I brought you some rice…" He muttered, sounding almost like he was ten years old again, maybe even five.

"I don't want it…" She replied coldly.

He didn't say anything, but he didn't move. After a moment, she heard the bowl be set down next to her futon. "You can eat it if you change your mind," He told her before starting on his own meal.

Kenshin's feet thumped on the stairs as he ascended them. "Goodnight, Yahiko, Sano," He said half-way up, then worriedly added"…Kahei…"

She couldn't answer him now. That name… Kahei… it was like being spit on. Another of her lies continuing to be shoved in her face.

After about an hour of laying in silence, she heard Yahiko sigh a bit. The bowl behind her was lifted and taken over to someone else, most likely Sano, and she heard them share it before Yahiko returned and crawled into bed. The candles were all blown out after about five minutes, and the room went dark.

I shouldn't…Her own voice spoke to her in her mind, breaking the silence. I shouldn't… hate myself this way… You shouldn't do this, Kaoru…

Her eyes opened to reveal her in a dream, standing on her dojo's porch. The colors around her seemed so much paler, as if painted in water colors, and she and the person there with her were the only things that seemed solid in this strange almost home. She was dressed in her Kahei garb, beaten and bruised. Before her… was herself, standing with her long hair fluttering with the sakura blossoms, dressed in the kimono Kenshin had given her. Kahei-Kaoru felt extremely ugly and plain compared to her other self, but knowing that it was indeed HERSELF was what made it all the more confusing.

"You shouldn't hate yourself, Kaoru," The beautiful Kaoru told her.

"But I," Kahei-Kaoru said, teary eyed. "I can't bare it. These lies, this guilt…" Her heart ached.

Kaoru stepped forward and took her face in her hands. Kahei-Kaoru remembered when her hands used to be that womanly, and she couldn't help but feel strange that she was looking into her own eyes yet she was unable to read her own thoughts. Perhaps it was because since this place and these versions of herself were created by her subconscious, they did not have thoughts, for thoughts they were themselves. "Don't let it tear you up this way. You did this for the love of your family, and they will never hate you for that."

"How do you know?" Kahei-Kaoru whispered tearfully.

"I know because I'm you, Kaoru. Nobody knows you better than yourself."

The words surprised her. "Myself…" She whimpered. "No… I… I still don't know about how they'll react…"

"They love you, Kaoru," She stated seriously. "You know more than anything in your heart that they love you. You've put this as your duty, and you will not fail. You were taught not to give up when you were very young, and you can't change that."

"It just seems so hopeless…" Of course they loved her. NOW. She couldn't imagine how they'd react when they found out. She didn't even know if she could trust herself, much less if anyone else could.

"Lots of the time things seem hopeless. Kenshin probably thought things seemed hopeless several times while in battle, but he didn't quit. Yahiko never even let the word hopeless cross his mind, and neither did Sano."

"-but I'm not Kenshin, or Yahiko, OR Sano!" She retorted, balling up her fists. How in heaven's name could she argue with herself this way!

"You're Kamiya Kaoru," Kaoru said, leaning her forehead against Kahei-Kaoru's forehead. "That's who you are, who WE are, and who we will always be. You can change your clothes and hair, but you can't change who you are on the inside. Nobody can."

"So… no one… can ever change…" Kahei-Kaoru said sadly. "Then, why am I trying to stop Kenshin from being Battousai… I remember Jin'e telling him that hitokiri will always be hitokiri… Does that mean that trying to help him destroy Battousai so he can finally live in ease… is pointless?" She couldn't understand herself.

"You can't change who you are," Kaoru repeated. "Yet, you can change what you do, how you influence people. You can't change you, but you can change the life around you. Do you understand?"

Kahei-Kaoru was silent for a moment, just staring in wide-eyed belief. "…Yes…" She whispered, closing her eyes.

"It's not right to hate yourself, or feel unworthy of Kenshin or anyone else."

"Yes…" Kahei-Kaoru agreed, putting her fist to her heart.

"It is okay… to love a man…" She told her, stepping back and stroking her cheek with her soft hand. "It is all right to love Kenshin."

"Yes…!" Kahei-Kaoru nearly shouted, fluttering her eyes open, a smile forming on her face at the thought of it.

"You can save him… Love him to save him from the killer within… Love him to save him… and love him to save yourself…" Kaoru said, beaming at her. Kahei-Kaoru remembered when she used to be beautiful.

"Save myself?" She asked, surprised. "I need to be saved?"

"You would know, wouldn't you?" Kaoru laughed.

Her eyes flew open. She wasn't sure how long it had been since she fell asleep, but it appeared that everyone else had dozed off. The only thing in her ears was the sound of her heavy breathing. The two sides of her, divided, had met with each other and come to a new understanding that she had never expected. One side of her was so doubtful and upset, while the other was loving and determined. These were her emotions coming together and finally empathize with one another. It all came together and clicked, like the last two pieces of a puzzle had come together.

Her heart pounded in her chest, when the thunder frazzled her even more. It was then that sound fully returned, and she could hear a heavy rain falling outside through howling wind and light breathing and snoring from the men around her.

She knew what she had to do.

Clambering to her feet, she got her land legs back (apparently that strange dream had knocked her out of her wits), then started up the first flight of stairs.

It was amazing that it was so dark on Aoshi's floor. The moonlight couldn't penetrate through the wood like it did through the rice-paper doors on the bottom floor. She slowly stepped up the second flight, making sure not to stomp in case someone woke up.

The third floor wasn't any darker than the second, but the people had laid out in strange arrangements, and she had to step over and around them as to not rouse them from their slumber. Up ahead was the door to the next room that would seal her fate.

The walk seemed to take forever even though it didn't, but she supposed it was because it felt like her heart was pounding faster than time itself. When she finally reached her destination, she heaved a sigh of relief and opened the door slowly.

She closed it behind her when the sound of a sword being pushed slightly out of the sheath by the thumb nearly frightened her into a heart attack.

The candle lit inside his room, and she peeked over her shoulder to see him in his night robes, sitting up on his futon with sakabatou in one hand and match in the other. "K-Kahei?" He questioned, blowing out the match and tossing it behind him.

"Kenshin…" She said, taking a step forward.

"What are you doing here?" He asked. "You should be downstairs, sleep-"

"I know," She interrupted. "…but I… I needed to talk to you."

He raised his eyebrows in surprise, then moved his legs so that he was sitting on his feet and leaving her room for a spot.

Kenshin was lucky. His room was very spacious. Of course, it was also very empty.

Just as she was about to sit down, the thunder boomed again, and she fell, gasping. She was much more panicky than she thought.

"Are you all right?" He asked worriedly. Typical Kenshin.

"Fine… fine…" She whispered, blushing.

"What did you want to talk about?" He asked.

"I… well… err… first of all… I wanted to… apologize… for earlier…" She explained, blushing in embarrassment and fumbling with her fingers.

"Apologize?" He asked, blinking. He looked genuinely bewildered.

"Yeah… I… was kind of giving you all the cold shoulder, but I was just to ashamed to look at you…" She replied rather solemnly.

"Ashamed? Kahei, what's there to be ashamed of?" He asked, smiling.

She smiled at him, though tears were welling up in her eyes. Damn, those women emotions. "Oh, Kenshin… if only you knew…" Her voice quivered when she spoke, and there was a thick feeling in her throat.

His smile faded, and his fingers lightly grazed her cheek. "What's wrong? Tell me."

"Everything!" She sobbed, pushing his hand away, though she kept it quiet enough as to not wake the others. Knowing how tired they were and how loud the storm was, it was a safe bet that she was safe. After she settled down, which only took a moment, she continued by saying, "Kenshin, I… I'm not who you think I am!"

He seemed a bit taken aback from this. He opened his mouth, but he couldn't seem to form words because he was so confused.

"I've… I've deceived you! I've lied and masqueraded and fooled you, and Yahiko, Sano, almost everyone this whole time! I'm not really what you think!"

Her heart banged against her ribs as she took in shaky breaths. "I'm not truthful. I feel horrible about what I've done, but you have to understand that I did it all for the love of my family. I did it all for you!"

"Me?" He whispered. "You did it for…" He trailed off, knotting his eyebrows.

"Oh, Kenshin… Don't you see?" She asked, and her voice then lifted into its original octave. "It's me, Kaoru!"

His eyes widened.

(A/N: Woo-hoo-hoo-HOO! How do you like them apples! I know the chapter's not exactly long, but I wanted to end it there so I had more freedom to write the next chapter without feeling restricted to a limit. Plus, it'd be a lot harder to cut it off from anywhere else. The next chapter, the real fun begins! I bet you're all just itching to find out! 3 Well, see you in the next chapter! I'll post it ASAP!)