Ashley was in the midst of her usual routine of listening to loud, angry indie music and sighing to herself about Spencer when there was a knock on her door.

"Come in." She said, she would have gotten up but she felt more depressed than usual and didn't have the energy to get up. Someone opened the door and after softly padding across the room, flopped down on the bed next to her. Ashley turned her head to see Spencer. It was strange having her that close; Ashley could see every freckle on Spencer's nose. Finally Ashley could look into Spencer's eyes without worrying about her noticing. Ashley examined every nuance, every part of Spencer's face, every fault—finding them all to just add to Ashley's ever-growing love for her friend. She could feel her heart begin to beat quicker and quicker. Her stomach felt like it was in her throat. Being this close to Spencer makes her want things…things that she couldn't allow herself to want. Ashley wanted to turn her head, but something kept it where it was, inches away from Spencer's, unmoving. Something inside her caused her to breathe a little faster and suddenly she leaned forward. But Spencer was too fast for her. She sat up as Ashley leaned over and got up quickly as Ashley pulled away. Spencer began pacing the room. She shouldn't have gotten that turned on from just lying next to Ashley, but she could feel how flushed she was. She had a million emotions running through her head. She had wanted Ashley to kiss her. To be perfectly honest, right then, she wanted nothing more than to jump on her friend, kiss her for hours and make passionate love. Unfortunately that was something Spencer couldn't give into to, no matter how much she wanted to. She had her back to Ashley when she started talking.

"Ash…I just wanted to come over to see if everything was ok. You didn't seem to happy at lunch and…I can understand if the hallway thing would cause you to be awkward." Spencer started. "We haven't really talked in a while and I just wanted to make sure that things are good." She sat down chastely on the bed next to Ashley.

"So are we going to pretend that the little moment we just shared just happened?" Ashley asked. Spencer didn't answer. "This is so childish, Spencer." She got up and began pacing uneasily herself.

"I just…I just don't want Aiden to find out…we've very committed to each other." Spencer murmured; she avoided looking into Ashley's eyes. "How have you been?" Ashley was sick of editing everything for Spencer's benefit. If Spencer was here to see if Ashley was ok, Ashley was going to tell her. Tell her everything.

"To tell you the truth, Spencer, things haven't been too good." Ashley started. "But I'm guessing things haven't been too good for you either."

"Why do you say that?" Spencer said in a very small voice. Ashley knew she was getting somewhere.

"I'm sure it must be hard…pretending for four months." Ashley almost regretted starting up this conversation, almost. If she was going to get the truth out of Spencer, she had to not be afraid to hurt Spencer's feelings, even if that meant accusing Aiden and her relationship of being a scam.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Spencer responded indignantly.

"Oh I don't know, maybe just the fact that you've been lying to yourself and everyone else for months now…" Ashley trailed off.

"If you're accusing me of something, Ash, you better just come out and say it." Spencer warned her. Ashley knew more than Spencer gave her credit for.

"Spencer, I know that you aren't into Aiden. I have been in the same situation, worried about coming out, worried about parents…and thinking that hiding is better than letting everyone know the truth." That shut Spencer up. "I have been in that situation. I understand it. I know that this must be easier for you than anything else right now."

"Ashley, I don't know what you're talking about. I care about Aiden, we're very happy." Spencer backtracked, trying to get out of this trap somehow.

"I know you're faking your emotions for Aiden. I know that you are doing it to avoid coming out to your parents, particularly your mother." Spencer's eyes fell from Ashley's. "I also know that seeing the two of you together…has been killing me for months." Ashley took a step closer to Spencer. "There hasn't been a day that's gone by where I didn't wonder how things could have been different."

"Ashley…I…" Spencer stuttered.

"I should have told Aiden to go to hell. I should have kicked him out and swept you off of your feet. I should have told your mother to go to shove it." Ashley said, trying to lighten the mood with her last comment. "Spencer, it's ok. I understand it all." Ashley pulled Spencer close to her in a tight embrace. Spencer could smell Ashley's perfume and the way her hair smelled. It nearly drove her crazy, but she couldn't give into it. She wouldn't. She didn't have to listen to Ashley. She could keep pretending, she reasoned. But all of a sudden, she wasn't sure if she wanted to. Ashley could feel Spencer start to cry before Spencer pushed Ashley away.

"No…no…I can be happy the way things are." Spencer muttered. "I'll learn to love Aiden…in time…" Ashley looked at Spencer incredulously.

"You don't have to be afraid of being who you are, of being gay."

"Look, I've gotten myself into this, but I can't just tell everyone that what Aiden and I have is really me trying to hide. What do you want me to do?" Spencer demanded, frustrated. She had been caught in her lie, in her attempt to cover up who she really was. Ashley looked like she was close to throwing in the towel, like she was about to give up and accept that Spencer and she could never be together.

"I want you to be honest with everyone. If you were honest, we could be together." Ashley reasoned. Spencer turned her back to Ashley, trying not to think about how hurt Ashley was.

"What would you have me do, Ash? Break up with Aiden? Tell the whole school and my parents that I'm gay…" Her voice lowered to a whisper. "Be with you?"

"Yes!" Ashley said, turning Spencer around to look at her. "Yes. Come clean, dump Aiden, and be with me. That's exactly what I want. I'm sorry for being so selfish, but I can't go on like this, Spencer. I can't keep dreaming that one day you'll wake up and realize that you've missed out on this…that you'll want to be with me." Ashley wanted Spencer to understand every thought running through her head at that moment. Peering into Spencer's eyes, she wished that Spencer could read her mind so she wouldn't have to say what she had to say next. "This is it for me, Spencer. I can't keep killing myself over you. I can't keep waiting for you, I can't keep hoping. I've been doing that routine for four months while you and Aiden have been dating. I can't keep worrying about you! I can't." Ashley wanted to cry; she swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. Spencer didn't want to look Ashley in the eyes either, but Ashley's firm grip on her shoulders prevented Spencer's escape. Ashley lifted up Spencer's head with her fingertips so she could look into Spencer's eyes.

"This is it, kid." She whispered. "This is now or never. If you ever have any thought that this…" She motioned to the two of them, "could work, tell me now. If you have ever thought of kissing me, touching me, being with me…tell me. I have to know if all of my worrying was in vain. I have to know if there's a shot in hell for us. If not…I'm sorry. I can't just be your friend, I don't want to be just friends. I can't sit here and watch you destroy yourself and everyone else." Ashley finally got it all out. Spencer didn't know what to say. Sure she'd thought about Ashley, all the time in fact, but being with Ashley meant that she was gay, she was out. She remembered Ashley's comments about how her family…friends…people she didn't know would hate her if they knew she was gay. They would all hate her because of who she loved. Spencer found it almost ironic that love could cause so much hate. But she didn't want this. Not now. Maybe later in life…in college…in twenty years…she could cope with this. When I'm out on my own, she reasoned, when I am away from my parents, when I am out of high school…then I can be myself. But that was such a long time to wait in order to do what she wanted. She'd been following orders since she was little, and love wasn't something she thought she'd have to follow orders with. She didn't want to be told whom she could and couldn't date. She didn't want that, but…then again… still dating Aiden would buy her some time. But wasn't that what she'd been doing for four months now?

"I…I…" Spencer didn't have the words to say to fix this. Yes, she wanted to be with Ashley. Yes she wanted to lie in bed with her, fingers intertwined, kissing and being in love and being together. She wanted to sit in movie theaters and hold Ashley's hand, she wanted to touch fingers while reaching for the popcorn. She wanted kisses underneath the mistletoe, sleepovers, and a couple's song. She wanted to go to dinners and dancing and be in the arms of the most gorgeous girl there. She wanted to drive forever and kiss at all the stoplights. She wanted to lay on the grass on a blanket with Ashley, peering up at the stars and staying out until dawn only to collapse into Ashley's arms in bed. She wanted that. She wanted that and so much more. She wanted love…she wanted Ashley. But did she want that enough to give up her life, as she knew it?

"What, Spencer?" Ashley demanded. "Do we have a shot?"

"I'm sorry…" Spencer mumbled, starting to cry. Her chest was heaving and it seemed like the room was getting very small. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry…" was all she could repeat. Ashley watched Spencer sit down on the bed, cupping her head in her hands. Ashley knew what that answer meant.

"So this…" Ashley pulled Spencer to her, holding her head in her hands, their lips inches apart. Ashley leaned in, rubbing the tip of her nose against Spencer, daring her to lean forward—to kiss her. "This doesn't feel right? Being this close doesn't make you want to kiss me?" She asked. Spencer's eyes were closed and she was trying not to concentrate on the fact that every part of her body was begging her to lean forward, to kiss the girl she'd been dying to since that night in Ashley's room when Aiden interrupted them. Spencer turned her face away from Ashley's. It was Spencer's answer…Ashley had the closure she thought she needed to get on with her life.

"Goodbye, Spencer." Ashley said, walking over to Spencer's door and with one last look at Spencer, walked out.