A/N: Shall it be an ungoing fic? Or shall it not? I really don't know. Tell me if you like it.

Disclamer: All Middle-earth and it's history and people and gods and etc belong to Tolkien, the lucky dog.

Chapter One: In Which Questions are Asked and the Secretary Deals With A Legolas Fangirl

"Next," The lady at the desk drawled.

A teenage girl with brown hair so strait it looked like it had been ironed, gap teeth and a cowlick stepped forward excitedly. She beamed at the secretary and clapped her hands. "Okay, so how do we do this? It wasn't very clear on your brochure."

The secretary stared at her over her square-ish, sensible glasses. Oh, boy, she thought. Here's another one, and she's about as bad as they come, I'd bet.

The secretary's name was Nina, and she worked for the Inter-world OCC&T organization. (AKA the Inter-world Original Character Creation & Transportation organization.) She specialized in teenage girls from earth who wanted to turn beautiful, sassy, brave, witty, talented, spunky, and other various adjectives before going to another world to fall in love with a handsome man and save the universe. (AKA Mary-sues.) She'd about seen it all with this job, and her previous one at the Crossovers Department, and she recognized the new applicant as someone who would want to become to become one very, very hardcore Mary-sue.

"Okay, hon, let's start with the basics. What's your real name?" Nina opened a new window on her laptop and popped a piece of spearmint gum into her mouth.

"Uh… do I have to tell you? It, like, really sucks."

Nina rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you have to tell me. No name, no game. We have to have all the information to fill out this form or else we can't do the transformation." She gestured at her laptop, whose screen now sported a word file with loads of questions pre-written on it.

The girl sighed. "Oh, alright then. It's Maude Ingrid Livingston. I hate it. I mean, like, Maude and Ingrid? Come, on."

"Ingrid isn't that bad of a name. Rather pretty, actually." Said Nina distractedly, typing away with her perfectly manicured fingers. (Being around Sues all the time hadn't cured her of her inherent need-to-be-classy gene.)

"Nuh-uh," said Maude Ingrid Livingston in disgust.

"Yeah-huh," Nina countered.

"Nuh-uh."

"Yeah-huh."

"Nuh-uh"

"Yeah-huh."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yeah – oh, whatever, you think what you want, Maude, honey. Moving on…" Nina glanced at the computer screen. "Okay, so how old are you?"

"Fifteen."

"Birthday?"

"May 3."

"Any siblings?"

"An older brother."

"D'you guys get along?"

Maude shrugged. "Sorta."

"Do you have any previous emotional scars?"

"Er... no. But can my new Sue-self have them? They're sooo romantic!"

Nina sighed. "Sure whatever you want. I personally disagree. Suicidal thoughts and abusive parents etc strike me as being just plain pitiable and wrong, not romantic. But it's your 'story'. So, let's see... where're you from?"

"Kentucky, but I wish I was from England 'cause they have such cool voices."

"I really don't care," Nina muttered. "Um… let's see… hair color: brown… skin tone: pale and rather freckly… height:… unbecomingly tall, that's what…. Um, right, how tall are you, hon?"

"I heard that," Said Maude indignantly. "And I can't help it that I'm tall and gangly and ugly!" She began to sob.

Nina rolled her eyes and put 'N.A' for height. The authorities would probably think she was a flea or something when they looked at her papers. "Okay, hon, forget height. And forget weight too, come to think of it. You probably won't like that, from the way you're carrying on."

Maude wailed.

"Listen, we're almost to the fun part," Nina said impatiently, "and I've got people waiting to be Sueified so just cooperate for a little longer, kay?"

Maude sniffed, but stopped the major dramatics.

Nina sighed. "Eyes: um… what is that, brown? Yeah, brown… Overall beauty before Sueification: erm… zilch."

Maude began to cry again.

"But you will be lovely in just a sec, here comes the fun part!" Nina said hurriedly, typing rapidly. "Okay, hon? Here it is…"

Maude didn't stop crying, but she did stop gasping for air like a dying fish.

"Right. First off, what fandom do you mean to be transported to? That is, what world?"

"Middle-earth because Elves are hot and Legolas is my soulmate." Said Maude.

Nina stared at her in disbelief for a minute. Even after so long, it was still amazing how stupid these girls could be.

"Right-o…" She finally managed, snapping back into reality. "That also answers the reason you want to go and who your specified lust-object is, I suppose?"

"Well, sorta, but I, like, want to go for another reason too," Maude said earnestly, leaning forward. "I know that I can like really help Frodo with the quest because I can tell them I'm a prophetess – because, I like know the story, right? – and save sooo many lives, and cheer up everyone with my beautiful voice, and make Leggy happy because he will love me and-"

"Okay, hon, that is enough info, believe me," Nina interrupted as she recorded everything on the ever-faithful laptop. "So you want to enter during the War of the Ring?"

"Duh."

Nina ignored her. "When in the War? Be specific, or I choose for you."

"Ummm…. Errrr…… I dunno…. Um….. Oh, okay! How about that part when Frodo's about to die and then Arwen comes and saves everyone's skins? I could be found in the woods when they're looking for that plant thing, and I could help them and impress them with my skills and then they'll-"

Nina rolled her eyes. It was time to really get down to business. "Okay, Maude, hon, I've got to make something clear before we actually transform you and all that jazz. Okay?"

"Er… okay."

"We are letting people from various worlds enter new ones in whatever form they like; it's our job. But here's the thing: we transform the customer, not the universe they're entering. We don't do anything at all to it. We can't. It just doesn't happen that way. You guys have to survive on your own. And weirdly enough some of you do. But anyways… So, hon, just want to warn you that this is the real Arda you're entering, and first off, Arwen did not rescue Frodo."

Maude blinked. "Really? Wow. I guess that's in the books right? And what's Arda?"

"Arda is Middle-earth. Man, you're going to have it rough." Nina almost pitied the Sue-to-be.

Almost.

"So I take it you haven't read any of the books, or tried to?" She continued briskly, typing away.

"Er… no. But I watched all the movies more than twenty times."

No wonder your brain's fried, thought Nina, but she just said, "Okay, well, that's all right. So… you will be entering the world at the Fords of Bruinen. What do you want to look like?"

Maude's dull eyes brightened. "Oh my god, I'm so excited! So, I want blonde hair…"

And on she went for the next twenty-six minutes and thirty-one seconds, at the end of which Nina sighed and pulled a strange metal rod out from under her desk. It glowed with a faint pink-purple light and almost seemed to whisper: Perfection… perfection… perfection…

Good luck.

"Done," said Nina, and pointed the rod at Maude.

There was a flash of light, and Maude Ingrid Livingston was no more.

Dun dun dun... How horribly exciting. The thrills of Sueification just make me shiver with anticipation...

Well we'll get to torture poor Maude, at least. Review, please, and let me know what you think of this. I'll probably continue but I'm not sure how far I'll go. The more feedback, the more likely I'll take it through to whatever end I brew up for it.

Oh, yes, and the Ingrid argument with the "Nuh-uh's" is tribute to my best friend. You know who you are, miss almost-an-Ingrid...