A/N: Well, here I am, carrying on with this. It's kind of fun to write... I like torturing Sueified teenagers, bwahahaha! ...Anyways, R&R and we'll see exactly how far I can take Miss Stupid Snowflower Sue in her quest to marry and do unspeakable things to Legolas Thranduilion.
Disclamer: Arda and all of its poor, Sue-ridden inhabitants belong to JRR Tolkien who was genius enough to create them. All I own is the miserly Maude Ingrid Livingston and her Sue form, plus the organization that created her.
Kiricat
Chapter Two: In Which Our Protagonist Gets Lost and Glorfindel Is Suspicious
When the light faded Nina blinked twice rapidly, and then adjusted her glasses to examine her work.
Maude Ingrid Livingston was now a tall, slender young woman who looked to be about sixteen or seventeen. Her skin could be likened to flawless porcelain, and it seemed to glow with love, happiness, and wisdom. Her long, silken wavy hair was a rich sun-ripened gold that fell like a waterfall cascade to her trim little waist. Her eyes were large and a deep blue-violet that turned slightly redish-pink when she was angry, and her lashes were so thick they looked like an advertisement for hair implants. Her lips were full and crimson, and her teeth were strait and sparkled like snow. (A tribut to the OCC&T's newest dental and orthadontic transformation program.)
That wasn't all, either. She had a tragic history full of heartbreak and heroism to go with the princess apparel. And she had an Elf's delicately pointed ears.
Maude had become Princess Snowflower the Very Lovely and Powerful of the far eastern kingdom: Snowflowerland. She was the Elvenking of Snowflowerland's beautiful, disowned daughter.
Welcome to the world, Mary-sue, thought Nina, and printed out the paperwork from her laptop.
"Right-o, hon, just take these and give them to the lady at the Transportation Department desk, and here's your ID." Nina handed Maude/Snowflower a packet of papers and a small, glossed ID card with before and after pictures.
"Thanks!" Snowflower said brightly. "Oh my god, I can't wait!"
"Then get to it. If you ever need help along the way, tap your 'Before' picture on the ID card three times fast and three times slow and you can talk to one of our officials, who just might be able to help, but do try your best to do things on your own. Thank you for choosing the OCC&T."
And so Snowflower glided away, her lovely white silk, besparkled gown trailing elegantly behind her. Nina's bored call of "Next!" faded away as the Sue dissapeared from sight.
She found the Transportation Department and approached one of the secretaries eagerly.
"Hi! I'm headed for the Fords of Bruinenen… Bruineni… Brui…. Oh, well you know what I mean!" She babbled.
"I sure do. I've seen it all," The new secretary sighed. Her pink nametag said 'Bridget'. "All right, sign the liability papers and I'll get your baggage."
"Oooh, goody!" Snowflower squealed, signing away without reading the terms of agreement. Bridget rummaged around under her desk and produced a similar wand that Nina had used to transform Maude into Snowflower. She pointed it at the newly-made Sue, and after another flash of light, a lovely sword, just as it had been described to Nina, appeared at Snowflower's waist. An amulet materialized on her neck, and a cloak suddenly wrapped itself around her fragile shoulders. The Sue clapped her hands in glee.
"OH, SOOO COOL! Can I go now?"
Bridget sighed again and rolled her eyes. I need to move to a less involved Department, she thought wearily.
"Yeah, sure. You're all set, missy. Please step up to the platform, stand still, and prepare yourself to be transported."
Almost bursting with excitement, Snowflower bounded up to the strange white platform to the side of Bridget's desk. A beam of light shot down from nowhere and lit her up eerily. She smiled widely and fought the urge to squeal.
"Now don't fidget," Bridget instructed. She reached down and pulled down a lever under her desk that read: "Arda."
The light grew brighter. The air trembled, and then a deep, all-powerful voice boomed out: "You have contacted the Maker of Arda. Where is the Demon to learn her lesson this time?"
Demon? Thought Snowflower. Lesson? But she decided the voice was probably delusional and didn't say anything.
Bridget popped her gum, looking totally unconcerned. "Hey, Eru, what's up? This one's headed for the Fords of Bruinen during the War of the Ring. As usual."
The voice chuckled, making the floor shake, and Snowflower covered her delicate ears. "So be it." Eru rumbled.
Snowflower the Sue disappeared as the last chuckle died.
"Next," said Bridget.
Snowflower re-materialized in a wooded area with birds tweeting in the trees and the sound of a river roaring faintly in the distance. Anyone less obsessed with finding and marrying a certain Elf prince might have been awed at the unspoiled, wild beauty of the place: at the sunlight filtering gently through the trees, at the ferns, wild grass and vines creating a carpet on the ground, at the sound of a hawk crying out overhead, at the smell of pine in the air - but Snoflower was focused only on her goal: get to Rivendell and seduce the Prince of Mirkwood.
Right, thought the Mary-sue, so what time is it? When does Aragorn come looking for the plant majiger? And where am I?
Oh, right. The Fords of Whatchamacallit.
…Where is that?
Snowflower set off in the direction she thought Rivendell was in. It couldn't be that hard to find it, right? She had Elvish senses now, so she could magically feel the place's presence, right?
Maybe not.
She wandered hopelessly for hours. The sun began to set, and Snowflower wanted to cry. It wasn't supposed to be this hard! Aragorn was supposed to find her right away, be stunned by her beauty, and then ask her to heal Frodo! Then they'd sashay on to Rivendell after she defeated the Ringwraiths, and then Legolas would see her and fall in love with her and they could make out all night!
Instead, she was dirty, tired and hopelessly lost.
However, a Sue is nothing if not stupidly persistent, so Snowflower wandered on, and eventually happened upon a road. Delighted at the sight of something even vaguely familiar, she ran to it, and promptly almost got run over by a huge white horse.
"Ai! Daro, Asfaloth, daro!" A deep voice commanded, sounding slightly panicked.
Snowflower flung her arms over her head and fell to the ground with a shriek of "Stop the car, stop the car!"
The sound of hooves reverberated in the ground. They came closer, and then they stopped. She heard someone sliding off the horse, and the next thing she knew someone was kneeling beside her and speaking to her rapidly in an unintelligible language.
Gaaah! Thought Snowflower. Gaaah, I forgot to ask to know how to speak Elvish! Dammit!
She looked up and tried to appear beautiful and tragic. Instead she looked like some drooling fangirl, because the man next to her turned out to be the most gorgeous creature she had ever laid eyes on. He had shining golden hair, and eyes the color of lakes at dusk set in the most handsome face the Sue had ever dreamed of.
I love you, thought Snowflower, and some of her drool dripped down unto her dress.
Glorfindel of Rivendell eyed the maiden in front of him apprehensively. He had thought she might have been a lost elleth from Gildor's wandering people, but instead she appeared to be slightly insane. Her eyes were locked on his face and were wide as a deranged bat's, not to mention she was drooling.
Ugh…
She didn't appear to understand Elvish either, which was odd. How could an Elf maid not know Elvish? He switched from Sindarin to Quenya, in hopes she would understand that, and received nothing but the same blank stare. Suspicious now, the Balrog-slayer stood up and drew his sword.
What if she were possessed by one of Sauron's spies?
What if she was not possessed but actually was one of Sauron's spies? He pointed the sword at her throat and spoke in Westron.
"Madam, you are treading on dangerous ground. Why have you not answered me when I have spoken in what should be your native tongue, and why are you behaving in such an animalistic manner?"
The maiden seemed to shake out of her trance. She stopped drooling, at least.
"Oh, dear sir, I apologize most profusely for my despicable behavior! To think I frightened such a wonderful lord as you!" She exclaimed dramatically,climbing to her feet.
Glorfindel noted that her gown was of a strange fashion: not similar to Rivendell's ladies, or Lothlorien's, or any other Elleth's he could think of. It seemed to…. To sparkle? If Glorfindel had known what they were, he would have identified the sparkles on the gown as rather gaudy sequins. As it were, he merely found them distasteful and suspicious.
"Stay where you are, madam! Why do you wander so close to Imladris, a haven of your people, and yet appear lost? Why do you not know Sindarin or Quenya? Explain yourself. These are not times for foolish apologies."
Snowflower, confused and irritated at the Elf's behavior (he wasn't asking her to marry him!) babbled senselessly about how sorry she was, but she had been banished from her Father's kingdom of Snowflowerland when she was but a child, so she had been raised by humans who beat her and they had not taught her Elvish. Also, they never taught her where Rivendell was. (Snowflower, surprisingly, had figured out that Imladris meant Rivendell. She did have a brain, however incompetent it usually was.) Then she asked who "this fair lord may be?"
The 'fair lord' did not look pleased with her story. His eyes seemed to pierce through her and find all her faults in one penetrating glance. Snowflower shifted uneasily under the Elf's hypnotic stare. She smiled weakly and said, "I may look different from some of your people, but different is good! And it's because I'm part Faerie, by the way. Faeries are sacred, you know, so you should show me more respect!"
She knew she was in trouble when his eyes narrowed and he got the rope out from one of his saddlebags.
Ten minutes later found Asfaloth galloping along again, only this time there was an elleth sitting sulkily behind his master with her hands and feet tied expertly with elven rope.
Remember to review! Constructive critisism and opinions are very, very welcome. Put down some ideas, if you'd like. What torture should poor Snowflower encounter next? If it's good I'll save it and put it in somewhere, maybe not the very next chapter, but somewhere.
Kiricat