A/N: Hi, all. Here's chapter three of Snowflower's misadventures in Arda. Let's see how the she fares on the road with nazgul on her tail and then in Rivendell, where, we all know, Prince Legolas is. R&R please.

Disclamer: Tolkien's poor characters and poor world are all his, and they are enduring this torture as best they can while probably being infinately thankful that I do not have license to get money for this.

Chapter Three: In Which Snowflower Unwillingly Flashes Her Bum and Legolas is Attacked

We've been riding for, like, ever! Thought Snowflower grumpily. And now my butt hurts.

She wiggled slightly, testing her bonds. They held fast. That Elf knew what he was doing…

He sure is one hot guy, she thought wistfully. To bad he doesn't seem to like me very much. Oh, I know! It'll be one of those really tragic, interesting hate-at-first-sight romances. We'll hate each other at first, but then he'll slowly fall in love with me, but I won't forgive him, and I'll marry Leggy-poo and then he'll die of heartbreak.

Ha.

Snowflower managed to ignore the fact that, with the way things were going, she was lucky if she survived until Rivendell, let alone long enough for two sensible Elves to fall madly in love with her. She focused only on her groom-to-be.

He's going to think I'm so pretty, she told herself happily. So pretty, so pretty, so charming. She grinned widely, and began to sing, in her new Sueified voice. (The Kelly Clarkson model)

"I feel pretty,

"Oh, so pretty,

"I feel pretty and witty and bright!

"And I pity

"Any girl who isn't me tonight.

"I feel charming,

"Oh, so charming

"It's alarming how charming I feel!"

"Hush!" The Elf snapped, shooting her a hateful glance over his shoulder. "Do you wish to alert every foul being in a seven mile radius of our presence? Quiet yourself, madam!"

"But, but-" Snowflower stammered. Why hadn't he been entranced with her?

"I asked you to be silent," The Elf-lord hissed, and spurred Asfaloth on faster. Snowflower was jostled most uncomfortably, and her poor little tushy was bruised even further.

Stupid hottie, she thought irritably. Stupid hottie, with his stupid shining golden hair, and his stupid sculpted face, and his stupid blue-green eyes, and his stupid fit body, and stupid Elf ears…

Snowflower began to drool again.

They rode on, Glorfindel growing surer of the fact that the hobbits were nearby, and Snowflower contenting herself with imagining him without a shirt.

The collar of her gown was now very much drool-covered, needless to say.

They rode on through the rapidly falling evening, and Asfaloth was urged ever to go faster. Snowflower guessed they were anxious to get to Frodo.

Maybe the hobbits will appreciate me, she thought to herself sulkily.

Then she started and tumbled with a shriek from the horse, for Glorfindel had suddenly halted and dismounted, and ran out to meet a black-clad man who was running towards them, a look of utter relief on his face.

"Ai na vedui Dunadan! Mae govannen!" Glorfindel called, and embraced the man quickly. He then began speaking very rapidly and urgently to him, his fair brow furrowed.

"Argh…." Snowflower moaned, struggling to sit up. It was rather hard, seeing as her hands were bound behind her back and her feet were tied so tightly they couldn't move. To make matters worse, Asfaloth snorted and stepped backwards. Snowflower gasped and rolled out of his way, but his hoof caught on her gown and…

Riiiiip! A huge chunk of besequined silk tore of the dress, showing a scandalous amount of the Sue's bruised backside.

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! You f----ing horse! God dammit, you ---hole, you f---ing a---hole! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!" Snowflower howled, thrashing about on the road in an attempt to cover up her exposed behind.

A stunned silence fell. And then a flurry of mystified murmurs broke out.

"Oh, dear! Poor Mr. Frodo has been startled, look at him! Strider, Strider, help me, he's falling!"

"Who is that… that… interesting creature, Glorfindel, pray tell?"

"By the Old Took, Merry, look! Her dress is falling off, and her bum is showing! Ha!"

"It's rude to point Pip, but I must say, that is one of the most bizarre things I've seen in my life!" A series of half-frightened giggles followed this statement.

"Why is she tied? Is she from Rivendell?"

"Is she evil?"

"What are those weird shiny discs on her clothing?"

"STOP IT! Mr. Frodo needs help! Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo, sir, just a little longer, I promise. Help is here – don't look at the strange lady, look at Mr. Glorfindel, sir."

Snowflower felt like crying from anger and embarrassment. Strange lady, indeed! She glared furiously at Sam, but he was to busy fussing over Frodo, who now looked as if he were about to pass out, and was cradled in Glorfindel's arms.

The man, who had to be Aragorn, muttered something to Merry and Pippin, and they trotted over to her.

"Hiya, miss. Strider said we should make sure you don't injure yourself or do anything strange, so how about you use my cloak to cover up your bum?" One of them asked cheerfully, holding his cloak out with one hand.

"Thanks, pipsqueak," Snowflower snapped, and snatched the cloak from him. She struggled for a bit, but finally managed to tie it around her waist. It didn't quite cover all of her thighs, but it covered her 'bum', at least.

Glorfindel had finished speaking with Aragorn, and he stood up, still carrying Frodo carefully, before placing him gently in Asfaloth's belled saddle. Once Frodo was safe and comfortable, the Elf turned to Snowflower, and his gentle gaze turned cold. She sniffled pathetically.

"You, madam, will walk with us. You will be silent, and you will not delay us, or we will be forced to leave you behind."

"Okay," Snowflower whimpered.

They had walked into the night. Glorfindel seemed tireless. He strode on with just as much energy as he had had two hours before. He led them through the dark towards Rivendell at a pace that was killing Snowflower. She felt like her feet were about to fall off, and then she'd have to walk on her hands or something.

I hate this, she whined to herself. When do I meet Leggy-poo?

Snowflower had reason to be unhappy. Her feet had been untied, but her hands had not been, and now Merry had her on a leash. When she slowed down, he tugged on it, making her stumble. Aragorn had apologized, rather insincerely, she thought, but said that these days they could never be too careful.

But I'm a gorgeous half-faerie princess from Snowflowerland, the Sue had wanted to howl. You're supposed to love me!

On a more positive note, she had gotten a chance to observe the hobbits and the very 'hot and manly' Aragorn. She was very pleased with what she saw, especially with Aragorn. Too bad he was in love with that Arwen chic.

And then…

It all happened so fast Snowflower didn't know quite what to think (except that Merry's cloak fell down in the confusion and her butt was once again exposed). A wind suddenly came out of nowhere, and Glorfindel leapt forward, crying "Fly, fly! The enemy is upon us! Noro lim, noro lim, Asfaloth!"

"Gaaaaaaah!" Hollered Snowflower, as Asfaloth sprang forward and galloped away. The hobbits took off down the rise after him, and since the rope that bound her hands was held by Merry, Snowflower was forced to chase after them. Behind her, she heard the deadly ring of two swords being drawn, and she knew that Aragorn and Glorfindel were facing whatever was behind them.

A horrible, ear-splitting shriek the likes of which Snowflower had never heard before pierced the night air. Out of the trees burst the Nazgul, chilling screams issuing from the darkness where their faces should have been. An icy, heart-stopping cold fell over the Sue, and just before she fainted she recalled Nina's words:

"This is the real Arda you're entering."

"I think she's coming around."

"Who is she, exactly, did Lord Glorfindel say?"

"He didn't know."

"Oh. Well, I don't like the looks of her, at any rate. She's odd... and to answer your question, Master Erestor, no, she is not of my people. I have never seen the likes of her before, and I know certainly that she was not with our company on the journey here."

"Ah, well, I didn't think so. Thank you anyways, Legolas."

Legolas! The name resounded like a gong in Snowflower's hazed mind, and it was enough to make her bolt upright, her eyes suddenly wide open. Her head whipped around, searching the vicinity. And then... Blip, blip, blip! Her Legolas radar went off. Slightly off to the right, two Elves were standing, staring at her in shock.

One of them was slightly shorter than the other, with long silky dark hair and very dark blue eyes set in a pale face. He was dressed in fine crimson robes that looked like they might be velvet, and a scroll was tucked under his arm.

And there... there was Legolas. Snowflower's jaw dropped in sheer delight. He was taller than the other Elf, and still dressed in his green and brown traveling clothes. His eyes were a clear grey-blue, and his hair was white-gold, but he did not look like Snowflower had imagined (like Orlando Bloom, that is) His face was nobler, and his eyes where keener, and he looked altogether more princely and well, Elvish.

In her excitement, the Sue lost any remaining sense she might have had. "I LOVE YOU, LEGGY-POO!" She yelled, and launched herself at him. The Elf cried out in surprise and jumped backwards, but Snowflower was to quick for him. She flung her arms about his neck, the force of her impact knocking him against the wall, and proceeded to squeeze the breath out him before crazily kissing every inch of his face she could reach.

The poor Prince sputtered in horror. Snowflower was trying to kiss his mouth, but the Elf had turned his face away as far as it could go.

"Erestor! Ai, get her OFF me!"

Well, review and tell me what you think. I'm going Elf hunting.

Kiricat