A/N: Wow. Long time no see, meh? Sorry about that. Writers block and traveling across the country to a cousin's Bar Mitzvah combined to create a huge delay. But I have the next chapter on the way already, so maybe I'll get that up tomorrow and be somewhat on the way to making up for - what, a month maybe? - of no posts.

Namaarie,

Kiricat

Disclamer: I own nothing, nothing at all, except for our lovely little organization and its affiliates. Oh yes, and the Sue. frowns

Chapter Five: In Which Help is Contacted And Snowflower Skins Her Elbow

by Kiricat

Snowflower was utterly bewildered. Her interrogation, apparently, had not gone well at all. For what other reason would Elrond confine her to her rooms with two guards at her door, with the parting words of, "Until I contact Galadriel about this, you will have to be contained in your chambers for your own safety and for that of my people's and my guests'. Do not attempt to break out, for I will be forced to take more drastic measures. I'm sure you do not realize it, lady, but you seem to be undoubtedly strange in the head."?

Strange in the head? You're strange in the head, sir Elrond poopie-head, the Sue thought sulkily, pacing about the room. It was a very nice room, actually, but Snowflower was blind to that and utterly determined to be tragic and miserable. Besides, Legolas wasn't in it, so what use was the bed? Legolas wasn't allowed to see her, so what use was the exquisite wardrobe with dozens of lovely gowns? Legolas couldn't smell her bewitching perfume, so what use was the bathroom? (Apparently she had forgotten the natural need of all living things to relieve themselves, and the need of most sensible things to clean themselves.) Legolas couldn't be bewitched by her loveliness in the sunset, so what use was the balcony? ( And one more guard was stationed in the garden beneath it, so it couldn't be used as an escape route.)

It seemed that the Sue had reached a dead end. And she hadn't even spent two days here!

That stupid organization must've screwed up, like, big time, thought Snowflower. There is SO something wrong here, like, duh.

And then it happened. If Snowflower had been living a cartoon, not a Mary-sue's nightmare, she would've had a lightbulb appear over her head and start flashing. Instead, she just stood up straighter and bolted to her bed. She threw the pillows to the floor and pulled her ID/before and after card out from where she had hidden it.

"If you ever need help along the way, tap your 'Before' picture on the ID card three times fast and three times slow and you can talk to one of our officials, who just might be able to help, but do try your best to do things on your own." That is what Nina had said. And golly, thought Snowflower, I sure as hell need help right now, and trying my best didn't work at all.

She tapped the before picture three times fast and three times slow and waited anxiously. Then it occurred to her that she couldn't be seen contacting help! Those sadistic servents of Elrond might spy on her, and who knows what they'd do then. Besides, acting like a secret agent was, like, totally cool. So she turned around and flung herself under the bed.

The Elves had polished the floor to a shiny, hard, burnished perfection. Snowflower skid slightly, started sliding out the other side of the bed, scrambled like a madwoman to regain cover, and skinned her elbow.

"YeeOWWW! F---ing Elves! Dammit! DAMMIT! My poor elbow welbow..."

"Umm... you have contacted the OCC&T... can I, er... can I... help you?"

Snowflower took a deap breath and got ahold of herself. (To such an extent as was possible for a Sue with a skinned elbow.)

"Sorry 'bout that. Fell over - ouch, God dammit. Not again." She had hit her head on the underside of the bed. "Oops... well, yeah."

To Snowflower's surprise and pleasure, the face in the space where her Before picture had been was Nina's.

"Whoa! It's you! What's up?"

Nina's small face rolled its eyes. "I was assigned to be your advisor. We match OC's that look a little amateur and/or just plain stupid with a mentor of sorts. I'm yours. I figured you'd call for me."

Snowflower got the vague feeling that she was being insulted. But before she could work it out, Nina's picture miraculously began to expand until it filled the entire card. Then the card began to shake like an overworked computer, and the next thing Snowflower knew, Nina was crouched across from her in the darkness beneath the bed, clutching her laptop and a black leather purse.

"Duuuuude!" Snowflower said.

"What are you doing under a bed?"

Snowflower started to respond, but Nina held up a perfectly manicured hand.

"Nevermind. I don't think I want to know. Man, you are new at this. Let's get out in the open." She crawled out of view, awkwardly pushing her purse before her and clutching at the laptop in one hand. Snowflower sat for a moment, puzzled, and then followed.

"But they'll see us! We'll be caught! We have to be... what's the word? Oh, yeah, subtle."

"Don't worry, hon, I'm not a total idiot. The OCC&T provides for everything." Nina said in a bored voice. She pulled the rod from the Transformation desk out of her purse and brandished it at the door. An unpleasant grating noise filled the air. Snowflower shrieked and stopped her ears. The sound faded.

"What WAS that?" Snowflower demanded. "It, like, sucked."

"Time grinding to a halt. Basic procedure. Now we won't have people bursting in on us."

"Oh my God, you know?"

"Know what?" Nina asked, looking irritated. She was sooo not getting paid enough for this.

"This is, like, so Sci-fi, like, duh."

Nina sighed. "Yes, okay. Sci-fi indeed. Are you ready now? I'm going start teaching you how to survive this. You have to listen to me, and not get distracted. You have to focus, okay? I told you before, we don't change Lord of the Rings, we change you. And you're going to have to change a lot."

Snowflower hesitated. "...Change?"

"Yes."

"Like, how? Not into a man, right?"

Nina blinked. "Er... no. I didn't mean for you to physically change. Well, maybe a little, but not into a male. I meant that I am going to teach you about Lord of the Rings: Middle-earthian cultures and histories, how to be a nearly undetectable Mary Sue, and how to succeed. You up for that?"

Snowflower's brow creased as she struggled to decide. "What do I get?"

"Self-confidence. Beauty. Succes and grace," said Nina grandly.

"That's all?" The Sue demanded.

"What, like that's not enough for you?"

"No. Not really."

Comprehension dawned on the OCC&T agent. "Ah... okay. I'll garauntee another prize. Legolas."

A slow, brilliant, unmistakably Sueish smile spread across Snowflower's face. "It's a deal."

"Right," said Nina, and opened her laptop.

Throughout Rivendell, time started again, and no one noticed the change between one moment, utter stillness, and the next. In Elrond's study, Glorfindel, Erestor, and their lord were sitting in silence and pondering the meaning of strange Miss Snowflower.

"Really, I can't think where she might've come from," Elrond was murmuring, staring thoughtfully out the window. "She's far too dimwitted to be a spy, and I can sense no true evil on her. But what good can a half-mad woman claiming to be an mixed-breed Elf princess bring? Ai, we have quite enough on our hands without these complications."

"Do not trouble yourself about it too much," Erestor soothed. "Galadriel will contact us soon, and no doubt she will help to clear things up. In the meantime, Glorfindel and I will handle any trouble that girl might bring. You and Mithrandir will be free to arrange for the One."

Elrond sighed wearily. "Yes, thank you, Erestor. Please tell Mithrandir that when you next see him. He was quite irked by all this; said she spoke of dark sorcery. At this very moment, in fact, I believe he is in the library, reading up on whatever he might suspect. I could use him now. We need to speak to Aragorn."

"Foolish wench," Glorfindel growled. "Ruining our plans in a time like this! D'you know what she was like when I found her? Half-naked, walking in circles in the middle of the road! I say, she must be-"

But Glorfindel never finished his sentence, because at that moment Nina's laptop finished a lengthy loading process and presented her with a window which said:

Do you wish to proceed with memory alteration? If you click OK, memories of this incident will be permanently erased. To exit the program, click CANCEL.

And she clicked okay.

Glorfindel blinked. "I'm sorry, I seem to have lost my train of thought. What was I saying?"

Elrond frowned. "I can't remember. I'm sorry, Glorfindel, I must've been distracted."

The golden-haired Elf waved it away. "No matter. I doubt it was anything important."

"If you're sure, then. And if there's nothing else to say, d'you mind finding Mithrandir and Aragorn for me and telling them to come here at once? I need to speak with them. Erestor, you may go."

Both Elves, one golden, one dark, nodded their heads and swept from the room. Neither of them, nor their lord, could recall anything at all about the vapid, blonde, self-proclaimed Princess in a chamber off a secluded hall.

"Alrighty then, miss Maude - I'm going to call you Maude again because we're starting all over - let's get going."

"Yup!" Snowflower-who-we-now-shall-call-Maude crowed, feeling not at all peturbed by the loss of her title. "Legolas, here I come, baby!

TBC...

A/N: So that's that. The next chapter should come soon, if it's short. Maybe another few days if I decide to lenghten it. But never fear! My writer's block so far seems to have retreated. Reviews are, as always, greedily hoarded and definately more than welcome.

Until next time then,

Kiricat