Unlike most things, books should be picked up off the ground and tended to if found there. However, like most things, there are a few exceptions. The poetry of Edgar Guest is an example. Even more notable is this very book, which should only be left on the ground, but also buried under thousands of feet of mud. The reason is, this book is so full of sadness, depression, fire and woe that anyone who reads it will instantly be transformed to a mass of tears.
Perhaps nothing better illustrates this than the title: The Ferocious Fiasco Finale. Unlike the other books in the series-which I dearly hope you have not read-this book has three words after the word, "The." This is because it is so full of distressing things that two words can not describe them. The word "Ferocious" means "deadly, savage, fierce, violent and volatile"-which in turn means, "unstable"-. The word "Fiasco" means "an absurd or complete failure." Finally, the word "Finale" means "dramatic end." After knowing such dreadful words, one also knows not to read any further. Knowing them means this ridiculously sad series has a deadly, savage, fierce, violent and volatile absurd and complete failure for a dramatic end. Perhaps the word, "Finale" could possibly be used in good-for instance, a young boys baseball team could win their innocent league championship with a score of 12-11 and not a care in the world, making that a finale. However, this is the story of the Baudelaires, and I am sorry to say the finale of this finale to the series is even more depressing than this finale of a book, which I am sorry to say, in turn, is even more depressing than the rest of the series. Therefore, if such things as a deadly, savage, fierce, violent and volatile absurd and complete failure for a dramatic end do not interest you, I advice you to run away and bury this book.
This is my last warning-in the very next paragraph this finale begins.
Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire were trapped aboard the boat of Count Olaf, a greedy and notorious villain-a word which here means, "not a volunteer, therefore one who enjoys setting fires and killing people, instead of preventing the same things." Violet, at fifteen, was the oldest an enjoyed inventing things. At this very moment, in fact, she was trying to think of something she could invent to destroy Count Olaf. Klaus, at thirteen, was the middle child, and loved to read. At this very moment, for instance, he was trying to remember anything he read that could assist one when trapped aboard the boat of a villain when one wanted to escape and destroy the aforementioned villain. Finally, Sunny, having recently passed out of infancy, had not one but two desires. Her more primeval-a word which here means, "from earlier"-one was to bite. She loved to bite wood, rocks and hard things, for instance, however, she was at this moment wondering if a good way to free her and her siblings from Count Olaf would be to bite him. Her secondary desire was cooking-an art she only recently learned, but was very good at. At this very moment, actually, she was wondering if she might cook up something and poison it to destroy Count Olaf. All three Baudelaires sighed, and wondered if destroying Count Olaf would be good-as opposed to villainous-even in the circumstances.
"Row faster you useless, pointless and worthless twits," bellowed Olaf, "I don't have my crew from the Carmelita, so you have to do all the work. You are also fruitless, which means useless, pointless and worthless! Haha!" he added. All three Baudelaires grimaced-Count Olaf had changed his laugh again. Originally, it had been standard sinister laughing. Then he developed a taste for saying random words. Most recently, he had simply said, "Ha!" after each sentence. Now it seemed he multiplied that by two to get, "Haha," as in the sentence he then said, "Haha! Work! Haha!"
"But we're tired, said Violet," if you could only let me rest for a few minutes, I am sure I could invent something to do it for us, for instance a motor." "Haha!" laughed Olaf, "You are more useless than dental floss! Haha!"
"Dental floss isn't useless," Klaus pointed out, "And perhaps a few minutes of rest will let me recall something I read about this sort of thing." "Haha!" sneered Olaf, "You are more pointless than a broken stick! Haha!"
"Gretyvonvann," shrieked Sunny, which meant something like, "If you let me rest for a few minutes, I could cook something to recuperate my strength." At her young age, Sunny talked mostly in baby talk, that only here siblings could understand. Recently, however, she began talking in real words, but not totally, as seen here. "Haha!" bellowed Olaf, "You are more worthless than something in a bargain bin! Haha!"
So the Baudelaires continued to row. "Where are we going?" asked Klaus. "I can't tell you, you bookworm orphan," said Olaf, "Haha!" After a brief pause, however, he said, "Actually, as I plan to destroy you, it probably does not even matter! Haha! We are en route to the Queequeg to destroy the second of those blasted Snickets! Kit! Then we will destroy more of my enemies until they are all gone! Then we will go to the Megatower, so as to destroy all evidence against me! Haha! Then I will go take your fortune, as well as the Quagmire, Widdershins, Denouement and biggest of all Snicket fortunes! Haha! Then I will kill you for your work will be done! Haha! Haha! Haha! Haha! Haha!"
In the distance Sunny saw something in the sky. "What that," she said pointing to it. "I don't know, Sunny," said Klaus. "What's what?" bellowed Count Olaf. "Oh, nothing," Violet said hurriedly. Count Olaf frowned, then went to the back of the ship. He opened up a trapdoor-a phrase which here means, "A hidden door on the floor." The Baudelaires only got a glimpse of what was inside, including a knifes, a harpoon gun and various other weapons, because Olaf quickly grabbed a match and said, "Tell me, or I'll light this ship on fire, causing you to drown! Haha!" "Olaf," said Klaus, "So will you." "Good point," Olaf said, putting it away, "Then tell me or I will knife you," he said, pulling out the knife. It was the same one he threatened them with long ago, in his first disguise, pretending to a herpetological assistant named Stephano. "Haha," he said. "Okay," said Klaus fearfully," up there. He pointed to the mysterious shape. Olaf smiled his wicked grin. "Haha! I finally found the self-sustaining hot air mobile home! Haha!" It was getting close, and Klaus saw this indeed was true. He knew it must be Hector, a kindly man the met in the Village of Fowl Devotees long ago. "As captain of the Handsome Count," said Olaf, "I say we stay here and wait. Anyone who disagrees will be stabbed! Haha!" "The Handsome Count?" asked Klaus. "Yes!" said the count who falsely believed himself to be handsome, "Haha! If you are a count and as truthfully handsome as me, then naming something after yourself is not overestimating, it is a common thing! Haha!"