There are some rare, rare things in this world. Now, "rare," in this case does not mean, "not burnt to a crisp," like most things should be, because they are somebody's possessions that mean something to them, such as a basket of strawberries, a chemistry set, a dollhouse or a poisoned dart collection. It is good to be rare, so you can live, and steak should be rare, too. An exception to this is this very book, as if it were burnt to a crisp then you nor anybody else would weep for two nights because they read such a dreadful thing. Obviously Count Olaf did not like things rare, as he was an arsonist-a word which here means "enjoyed burning things, especially buildings, to a crisp"-. However, rare features another definition, that is: "not common." So, in the paragraph after next, the word rare will mean, "not common."
It is a rare, rare thing to see a villain as evil as Count Olaf smile, unless of course the are making a building not rare, murdering someone or successfully stealing the fortune of youngsters. But this rare, rare thing happened at the next moment, as Count Olaf's mouth twisted into a smile and his eyes grew as bright as the Lavender Lighthouse, if a slightly more attractive color. Suddenly he started making as much noise as possible by throwing steel pipes that happened to be laying around over and yelling at the orphans and other people who he had not yet murdered.
The submarine of the mysterious shape began coming even closer until everyone could see its dark sides. Suddenly, the two submarines hit each other and the long, terrifying one opened up one of its doors. A shadowy, tall figure was all that could be seen, and it looked as if it had a beard that went down to its knees and hair that did likewise. "Olaf, why do you disturb the Principal?" it asked in a low, horrible, icy, growling voice. "Haha! Stop acting as though you were the Godfather! Haha! You're second in command! Haha! So be quiet! Haha!" "As if you were not third-in-command, Olaf!" laughed the Principal. "Haha!" said Olaf, "Let's not argue. I stole all the fortunes and burned the Megatower-" "Olaf, you genius! I am extraordinarily proud of you! Burning the Megatower! Your title of Supreme Arsonist is not wasted! Congratulations! Have a cocktail!" "Yes," said Olaf, "But there was one small problem-the Snicket fortune was not there." The Principal gasped, "Oh, no. The Godfather will be mad-so will you, because you want money. And every Snicket is dead-Jacques, Kit." "No," said Olaf, "One lives. Unfortunately, like everyone else I only know him as L.S. He's a mysterious one." "Well, come aboard the Prufock and leave those orphans aboard the Sea Olaf. We'll make plans!" "Haha! what a wonderful idea!" said Olaf, "I'm taking my weapons with me, idiots, and if anyone tries to escape, I'll kill them! Haha!"
Olaf then boarded the Prufock, leaving Secondary Captain/Mr. Widdershins, Fiona, Fernald, Violet, Klaus and Sunny alone on the Sea Olaf. As soon as the Prufock was out of sight, Mr. Widdershins yelled, "Aye! I'm the new captain now! Aye! Aye! Now it is the Queequeg II again! Aye! Olaf said not to escape but he left us alone! Aye! Aye! Aye! Get to work! We mustn't hesitate! Aye! He who hesitates is lost! Aye! Or she! Aye! We must work with speed! Aye! We must escape with swiftness! Aye! We must get to shore with silence! Aye! To the Briny Beach with swanlike sensibility! Aye! Wait-that's not what I mean! Aye! Anyways, get to work! Aye! Aye! Aye!" Everyone got to work doing jobs that suited there tastes. Except Klaus. His eye caught something that one would expect never-a word which here means, "ever rarer than rare"-to find on a boat that was Captained by Count Olaf. It was books. He ran to them and hoped he could find some information. There was a note on them that read, "For the fireplace." Indeed, it seemed Count Olaf was planning to burn books. Klaus, however, intended to do some research.
The books were big and even Klaus had difficulty understanding them. One was called, "Mushroom Miniutae," and Klaus recognized it as a copy from the mushroom library of Fiona, back on the Queequeg. The second was called, "Nuptial Law," a copy of which Klaus used in Justice Strauss's library long ago. And the third was called, "Odious Lusting After Finance: A Complete History of Injustice: Backup Edition In Case The First Edition is Burned." Klaus recognized this as the book Olaf-who the book was named after-burned in order to set the Hotel Denouement on fire. All of Jerome Squalor's hard work was thought to be destroyed, but apparently his vigorous-a word which here means "hard"-work was preserved. Unfortunately, Olaf found this anyway, and intended to burn it too, apparently. But Klaus thought this could be a useful thing in doing what he did best-research.
Needless to say, the goings-on in the rest of the submarine were just as one would expect, so therefore descriptions of them would be unnecessary, pointless, worthless and unimportant-a word which here means "unnecessary, pointless and worthless." What Klaus was doing, however, will be of interest to you, I am sure. He looked in the table of contents, which read as follows:
Forward
Prologue
Introduction
Chapter 1 – How Odious Lusting After Finance Happens
Chapter 2 – Minor Villains
Chapter 3 – On Fortunes
Chapter 4 – Count Olaf
Chapter 5 – Secrets of the World
Chapter 6 – V.F.D.
Chapter 7 – Mysterious Figures
Chapter 8 – The Principal
Chapter 9 – The Godfather
Chapter 10 – Should realtors be considered villains?
Chapter 11 – V.F.D. Part Two
Chapter 12 – The Schism
Chapter 13 – Known Volunteers and Villains
Chapter 14 – Places
Chapter 15 – The Snickets
Chapter 16 – L.S.
Conclusion
Epilogue
Afterword
Index
Glossary
About the Author
Suddenly Klaus realized the answer to every mystery the Baudelaire's had ever known was right in front of them. He knew he should find out about the Principal, the Godfather and other such things though, so he went to the respective chapters. First he intended to learn about the Principal.
"Principal Daniel Flammons of Prufock Prepatory School only uses the aforementioned job as a disguise. His true job is being second-in-command in the ranks of the villains of the world, serving only the Godfather. Even the Growls serve him. He is well known for his submarine, the Prufock and the misfortune he causes. He has an allergy to peppermints."
Those were some of the notable pieces of information Klaus found. He also wanted to learn about the Godfather, so turned to the respective page.
Unfortunately, it was ripped out, and Klaus noticed this about several more chapters-the chapters discussing the secrets of the world, the ones asking the eternal question of whether or not realtors should be considered criminals and that on the mysterious L.S. were all also torn out. Klaus had to content himself with the others, the minor secrets. He intended to so, but suddenly the submarine hit a bump and everyone wondered what it was.