"This door hasn't been knocked on for sixteen years," the man said, if you recall, "But nonetheless you are welcome to stay in our luxurious abode! Everyone one here has a good time 24/7! We love the lumbermill! We love our steak for dinner! We love our coupon wages! We love our foreman! Come on in!" Everyone groaned and moaned about the foreman being atrocious.
The quarters were cramped and there were bunks with bored-looking adults sitting on them and lying on them. There were no windows. Only this man seemed excited. "These are our friends and love their job! This is so much fun!" "Paul, come down you hyperactive twit!" said someone who did not look cheerful at all. "That's Mandy, he's the most cheerful person I know!" "What a ridiculously optimistic fool!" commented Phil. "Um, Phil, that's what you are like," pointed out Violet. "Do I really look that ridiculous? I must become a normal person! I will. Henceforth I will not be perky and stupid!" Then a man came in and banged pots. "I am Foreman Fredrick Flanders! Hear are the seven new workers! Around here we obey me! I obey Sir! I am not in disguise! Go to bed, tomorrow we started debarking! How come four of you are midgets? You'll have to work extra hard! Go to bed, morons!" "I told you, isn't he the nicest man ever?" commented Paul. "Be quiet you ridiculously optimistic oaf," said someone.
The seven newcomers each found part of a bunk and went to sleep. The Baudelaires were troubled, but assumed at least Count Olaf would never find them there. They fell into a deep sleep brimming with questions.
"Wake up, useless, pointless, worthless and fruitless vermin! Fruitless means useless, pointless and worthless! Get up! Go to work! Today is an important debarking day! Hurry up, useless pigs! Get to work! Stop lollygagging like midgets! Some on you are midgets! Work anyways! Work! Work! Work! Work! Work!" Foreman Fredrick bellowed, while banging pots. Everyone grumbled except Paul who said, "Good morning, Foreman! Who's ready for an exciting day of delogging? I sure am! Hooray! Hooray!"
Everyone trudged-a word which here means "slowly, tiredly and begrudgingly walked"-out of the bunkroom and to the mill. "Dejaplus," yawned Sunny, which meant something like, "Last time we were at a lumbermill, wasn't the first thing we did debark, too? I am getting a strong case of déjà vu." "Yes," said Violet, "But hopefully we won't be here for long." I must say she was right, but whether the reason they left is good or bad is debatable.
They entered the mill where a fresh log was there. Foreman Fredrick gave everyone a debarker except Sunny, who could use her four long and sharp teeth for the job, and Fernald, who used his hooks. Everyone else had to struggle under the erroneous weight of the debarkers. Foreman Fredrick yelled, bellowed and roared orders and insulted people left and right while everyone struggled. Finally, after what felt like 260 hours-but was really just five-it was noon. "I hardly think you deserve a break, but you have five minutes to chew gum you sacks of tin!" yelled Foreman Fredrick. Everyone grumbled, except Paul who enthusiastically said, "Thank you for this generosity! If I didn't stop debarking soon I would get so excited from it I'd have a stroke! Oh, my favorite flavor of gum! Life is so wonderful, marvelous and fantastic!" Finally something happened which did not give the Baudelaires déjà vu: Sunny ate gum. Last time they got five minute breaks after long and boring work at a lumbermill, Sunny could not chew gum. But now she could, and she pretended it was something hard like well-done-the phrase "well-done" here means "not rare"-steak, or rocks, instead of doing the same with pieces of wood. Then Foreman Fredrick yelled, "Okay useless normal people, freaks, midgets and midget freaks! Get to work! I gave you five minutes and one second break today, so be thankful! Get to work!" Needless to say-the phrase "needless to say" here needless to say-the phrase 'needless to say' here needless to say-the phrase '''needless to say''' here obviously means '''obviously'''-means 'obviously'-means "obviously"-everyone grumbled, besides Paul, who enthusiastically said, "Thanks a lot, Foreman! That's 301 seconds instead of 300! Isn't he the kindest man ever to walk the earth?" "It was 401 seconds instead of 400, stupid," sneered Foreman Fredrick, showing his stupidity and villainy by not knowing simple mathematics. Of course, you got bored and confused from the preceding explanation of the phrase "needless to say," so this book is now lying on the ground to be eaten and torn apart by lions where neither you nor anyone can ever read it again.
The Baudelaires day continued at a ridiculously slow pace until finally, at 6:00, the day ended and Foreman Fredrick bellowed, "Dinnertime! It's roast beef today! All you deserve is casseroles, though, pigheaded morons!" The Baudelaires were surprised that such a delicious meal as roast beef awaited them in this miserable mill. Nevertheless, they went to the dinner room and began consuming roast beef. It was delicious. All too soon the meal ended and they were sent to bed.
The next morning progressed similarly until lunchtime when Foreman Fredrick yelled, "Baudelaires! The owner of the mill wants to talk to your insolence! Which is surprising!" The Baudelaires wondered what was going on and left, with Paul saying, "How exciting and lucky for you! Hooray for you! Hooray! Hooray!"
The Baudelaires walked to a building with a wooden sign on it that had the words, "Administrative Building," written on it. "Here we are," sighed Klaus. They walked in. Suddenly a woman greeted them. "What brings you to these parts? I am Colette, contortionist and servant of Sir, and friend of Hugo the hunchback and Kevin the ambidextrous freak." The Baudelaires looked with wonder and saw this was true. The former troupe members of Count Olaf who were formally carnival freaks found a new depressing job, it appeared. "We are the Baudelaires and we have an appointment with the owner of the mill." "Baudelaires, what are you doing here?" Colette said in wonder. "We work here now, until I come of age in 3 years," Violet said. "Wow. We-that is Hugo, Kevin and me-work here and do what Sir says and each get 3 of the mill's profit. That totals 9." "Why do you work so cheap?" Violet inquired. "How dare you insult me! You of all people know freaks are lucky to get a job, and even luckier to get one that is legal! What we get is great for us!" Violet sighed at Colette's sadness and stubbornness and walked to a large oak door that had a sign on it that said, "The Boss."
The Baudelaires knocked on the door and a voice could be heard from within, "Who disturbs me?" "It is us, the Baudelaires, we have an appointment with you." "Of course I knew that! I'm not an idiot! Come in!" The Baudelaires opened the door and saw a large desk that had a sign on it that read, "The Boss." Behind it sat a man smoking a cigar with a cloud of smoke covering his head. "What do you want?" asked Violet.
"I know what I want! I'm not an idiot! I'll tell you what I want when I want! I'm not an idiot! I'm the boss! I'm not an idiot! Read my sign, it says, "The Boss!" I'm not an idiot! Anyways, I want to tell you that I expect you to work hard! That Count Omar jerk is dead so you can't blame him! You work here for three years and I give you good meals, a stick of gum for lunch and safety and then you get your fortune and leave me alone! The new Lucky Smells Lumbermill is a good place to work! I just thought I would tell you no shenanigans like last time will be accepted. Shenanigans are-" "We know what shenanigans are," signed Klaus, "We know they are mischievous little things that chipmunks do et cetera. But Count Olaf will never find us here, so such things will not happen." "Count Olaf is a good man, it is Count Omar who is dead and caused you all that trouble! I'm not an idiot, so I would know! I read the Daily Puntilio, you know! Now leave! I am very busy!" The Baudelaires left with hope that maybe they would be safe and that maybe they could live until Violet turned 18 and inherit the fortune. They hoped Olaf's plan in the Megatower failed and that all the fortunes of the world were not his. I am sorry to say they would be disappointed, but for now, at the end of the 164TH chapter of this wretched series I will let them hope.