Chapter 10
If you have had the misfortune to read any of the previous books in this wretched series-which I dearly hope you have not-then you will know that once the chapter titles become bidigited-a word which here means "higher than ten"-they become even worse, as the finale becomes closer. This is no exception. In fact, the prelude to the finale of this finale of this series is even more miserable than any other four chapters read in the history of the world. I beg you to make this book about burning things and burning even more things not rare and make it burn so you do not burn up with trauma inside.
As the last chapter ended, Sir was changing from a look of shock to anger, and saying, "Oh, the horror." He was saying this because the Baudelaires just informed him of the fact Count Olaf had murdered Captain Widdershins, Fiona, Fernald and Phil via a saw. "Oh, the horror," repeated Sir, then he said, "Children, I would like to talk to Count Olaf." So Count Olaf went in and the Baudelaire orphans went out. The Baudelaires listened in through the door, pretending to pick something up, as Violet did long ago, when their already enormous troubles looked like a jolly circus compared to what they faced now.
Olaf came in and said, "I did it. Ho!" Sir immediately said, "You horrible man. I can not believe I was part of your troupe." "You quit, huh?" asked Olaf. "Yes," said Sir. "Fernald paid the price of quitting from me, and those two powder-faced women did; they were found dead by me. You will too." A scream was heard and soon after Olaf exited and showed the children Sir tied to a wall. "Very soon," laughed Olaf, "You're little business will be ablaze." He took out some matches and lit them and threw them onto Sir's desk. Immediately the paperwork was set on fire. Then the sign that read, "The Boss," burned. "Wait," said Sir, "I am the boss, whether or not that sign in there. I'm not an idiot. Baudelaires, I am sorry I was mean to you all this time, it is just I had a bad childhood. Please, please do not make the mistake I made and become cruel just because you had a bad childhood. And Olaf, somehow revenge will be got on you for killing my parents. Remember," he said, "I'm not an idiot." Soon the fire reached him and the Baudelaires were held back by Olaf and they watched the blaze consume Sir. "Sir," yelled Violet. "Sir," screamed Klaus. "Sir," shrieked Sunny. With a last breath, Sir choked, "Call me…Mr. Frixzfthf"-or that is what could be made out-. Then, the last dying breath of Sir was, "I'm not an idiot." With that, he was consumed, his face still hidden by his cigar, and now burned by the fire, never to be seen by anyone. And Sir Frixzfthf died.
"Orphans, now, come with me, fire is very dangerous, and I assume in a very short period of time, this entire mill will be ablaze." "No," said Klaus, "We must warn the employees of the mill." "Follow me," snarled Olaf, "Or I will dissect your pet monkey with my knife," brandishing his large, rusty knife, "Dissect means-" "I know what dissect means," Klaus said, "It means, cut open. And that is just sick. And it is a girl, not a monkey. An excellent chef at that, you should know." "Whatever," said Olaf, "Follow me." So the Baudelaires followed, passing the mill where they spent a bad time working and past the barracks where the innocents slept, unknowing that they would never wake up. Only two people came out.
The Baudelaires exited the mill and went to the main road of Paltrydale. They cried and walked down the street. Suddenly two figures appeared. It was Foreman Fredrick and Paul. "Good," said Olaf, "Fredrick, strangle him so I know you can be part of my troupe." It looked like Foreman Fredrick was struggling inside, unsure of whether to murder or do the right thing. He looked like he was just about to, when Count Olaf took out his ivory dart rifle and shot him. "Fool, when will my subjects-troupe-learn to obey me," muttered Olaf, "Okay, children, we are going to the Paltrydale hotel and waiting for Mr. Poe to come and finalize my adoption of you." But then Paul ran up and said, "Olaf, you handsome man. Look on the bright side-at least you will have a fortune. Children, look on the bright side-at least you are not dead. Olaf, take good care of them." "You insolent, optimistic dip!" Olaf said, his eyes glowing very bright. Then he shot Paul. Paul gagged and his last words were, "I may die very soon, but I can look on the bright side-at least I get to choose my last words. And they will be-look on the bright side of everything!" "Okay, he is dead," laughed Olaf, "Follow me to the Hotel Paltrydale."
Unable to do anything else, the Baudelaires went to the hotel. They were only vaguely aware of the receptionist sending them to their room and walking up and entering the dirty room that overlooked Paltrydale's road.
An hour passed and finally Mr. Poe ran up the stairs and came into the room. "Hello, children, it appears at last we have found a home for you. Now that Count Omar is dead, no trouble will come upon you. This must be Count Olaf-I am pleased to meet you." Then he looked out the window and saw the lumbermill that was burned down. "My, my, what happened?" he asked. Count Olaf replied, "Sir accidentally dropped his cigar which lit the whole mill on fire. It is only because of me the children escaped." "He is lying!" screamed Violet, "You idiot banker! Don't you see? It is Count Olaf-there never was a Count Omar. Don't you dare sign those papers!" "Violet, I am disturbed by your attitude," said Mr. Poe, "A nice girl of your age should be grateful that someone rescued you from a fire and is taking the trouble to adopt you."
The Baudelaires hearts sank-the phrase "hearts sank" does not here and rarely does literally mean that the bodily organ called the heart lowers itself relative to its initial position, but rather means that the people whose "hearts sank" got depressed-as Mr. Poe took out the adoption papers and signed them. Then Count Olaf signed the dotted line and the adoption was official. "Children, we will stay in the hotel until tomorrow, when we will catch the train away," said Mr. Poe.