Why? That question is the universal question that philosophers-a word which here mean "people who live their lives isolated and alone in ivory towers atop mountains in the middle of nowhere, devoting their lives to answering obscure questions such as what is the meaning of life? and why do buses never arrive precisely on time?"-try to answer. It is a curious one, though, because generally extra words can be attached to it. For instance, a baker might ask, "Why does gingerbread taste better than shortbread?" A volunteer may ask, "Why do villains exist?" A villain may ask, "Why do volunteers exist?" And so on.
At that moment, however, the Baudelaires were asking, "Why are our lives a well of despair in which vile villains try to kill us and why is Mr. Poe so ridiculously ignorant of the truth?" They had a sleepless night-a phrase which here means "a night in which they did not pass into the subconscious of world of occasional dreams and subconsciousness known as sleep, generally because they are puzzling over questions, as was the case here"-so when Mr. Poe, at nine in the morning said, "Wake up children, it is your big day," it was an unintended oxymoron because the children did not need to wake up. Nevertheless, they said, "Good morning, Mr. Poe."
He coughed and then briskly-a word which here means "quickly"-said "Come, let's go." Count Olaf was already up and running-the phrase "up and running" here means "awake, so as to compliment his disguise of being a nice and orderly man"-and he smiled his twisted, evil smile at the children, who noticed how shiny his eyes were at that moment, as if one of his plans looked like they were destined to succeed. Those eyes, it seemed, followed them wherever they went, from place to place; from Count Olaf's own ramshackle house, in the bad beginning, to the lovely house of Uncle Monty, which had the reptile room, to the ultimately doomed house of Aunt Josephine, that contained a wide window, to a miserable mill similar-but not identical-to the one they just worked at, to an austere academy where they met two of the Quagmire triplets and the mysteries of their lives were unveiled, to 667 Dark Avenue, home of Esmé Squalor and an ersatz elevator, to a vile village filled with crows called the Village of Fowl Devotees, to a hostile hospital that ultimately burned down, to a carnivorous carnival that ultimately burned down, to the slippery slope at the top of the Mortmain Mountains beside the VFD headquarters that ultimately burned down, to the grim grotto known as the Gorgonian Grotto by the Stricken Stream that overlooked the hinterlands that ultimately burned down, to the Hotel Denouement where the penultimate peril in their lives were that ultimately burned down, and now he finally almost had them in their clutches.
They left the hotel and walked to the train station at the outskirts of Paltrydale. The train came and they got on it. Mr. Poe occasionally tried to break the deadly silence, but for the lion's share-a phrase which here means "most of the time"-of the trip, silence enveloped-a word which here means, "was everywhere"-their carriage. Once they were almost at the train station that seemed so randomly placed at the edge of the Infinite Forest, Violet noticed Count Olaf playing with some matches. She thought nothing of it. As the train stopped Klaus noticed Count Olaf striking the matches and letting them burn out. As they exited the train Sunny saw Count Olaf light a match and then throw it to the ground and she shouted, "Fire!" But, at that moment, Count Olaf shouted, "Fire!" in a louder voice, so only he could be heard. He grabbed the lot of them-Mr. Poe and the three Baudelaires-and jumped with them into some nearby bushes. They looked and saw the fire spread across the train.
Now, if you do not know about the flammable-a word which here means, "easily catching fire"-properties of gasoline, I will describe them to you. Once fire touches it, it explodes, causing more fire to accompany the death. Now, the fire happened to reach the engine of the train where gas was kept. At that moment, the thing exploded and the train flew all over the place and was destroyed. The train station too, was destroyed in the wreckage. Luckily, in their bushes, the group of five was alive.
A minute later, they climbed out and observed the wreckage, in sadness, or in Count Olaf's case, feigning sadness. Then Mr. Poe, in all his idiocy, said, "Thank heavens, Count Olaf! Thanks to you, we are not dead! Now, please climb into my car and we will be off to Count Olaf's house." Count Olaf smiled his nasty smile at the children as they climbed in, dreading everything and cursing Mr. Poe's utter stupidity.
Olaf guided Mr. Poe and they went through the city and to the country, about 20 miles from Uncle Montgomery's old mouse, that was burned down now. Count Olaf then said, "One more left and you will be overlooking Olaf Manor." Sure enough, after one more left turn a huge house was in view. It was bigger than the old Baudelaire mansion and was in an area surrounded by cliffs. Even the Baudelaires had to admit it was beautiful. They drove down and then Mr. Poe said, "Mr. Count Olaf, did you know that as part of adopting these children-who will act property-" he said to the children, "You get their large fortune?"
Olaf's eyes grew shiny and he said, "No, but that is pleasant. Perhaps, in addition to investing some in their college education, I could build the west wing of this house. I will come and collect it now, if that presents no problem to you." Mr. Poe said that was a good idea and told the children to go look around the house.
They walked in, glumly and angry at the stupidity of one banker. For those of you who are thick-skulled-an expression which here means "stupid"-the banker in question was Mr. Poe.
Nonetheless, they were forced to admit the dwelling was an extraordinary one. Clearly all the fortunes Count Olaf had stolen back in the Megatower added up to a lot of money, because the manor was huge. But, being the greedy, heartless and ruthless villain he was, Olaf wanted more. The children walked around and found three large bedrooms beside each other with their names on them. Violet's had a workbench covered in tools and wires and a large cork board for making mechanical notes, a large whiteboard for making mechanical notes, a large chalkboard for making mechanical notes, as well as a large desk with sticky tack-a word which here means "device that was invented by accident that is extremely useful because it can be hung up and stay there, but easily taken down as well, it is perfect for making mechanical notes"-and some pencils and pens. Klaus' room had a large bookshelf filled with books on all subjects from North American mammals to astronomy to philosophy to-to Klaus' delight, as he had taken a recent fascination in the subject-Artic mammals, such as polar bears. Additionally, there was a large reading lamp as well as a nook, perfect for reading. Between these two marvelous rooms was Sunny's room. It was yellow, Sunny's favorite color, and it was filled with rocks, of all shapes and sizes, and colors. Sunny shrieked, "Bite," in excitement. Clearly Count Olaf's scheme to trick them was very well detailed.
As they were sitting and talking to each other in fear of Count Olaf's treacherous ways and in gladness they would get a few good hours of live before terrible things happened, a man suddenly appeared. He wore a black robe-much like the late long-nosed man-and a black crown, and black shoes and a helmet covered in spikes. In truth, he looked more like a medieval torture instrument than an average human being. His voice was rough and savage sounding. He said, "I am Gorgoroth, Count Olaf's final servant. Even before the day, in old Olaf Manor, when we had that dreadful puttanesca sauce, I served him. I was one of the ten theatre troupe. Indeed, besides Fernald, I was Olaf's first troupe member. However, all of them, old and new are dead. Besides me. And you, dear children, have less than eight hours to live." He walked away, gathering fear as he went.
The Baudelaires decided to run away, but then noticed that the entire manor was surrounded by 20-foot high fences made of barbed wire and covered in spikes. To attempt to climb over it would be to die and be covered in blood before you were a foot in the air. Then they decided to dig under it, but quickly disbanded-a word which here means "gave up on"-this idea, once they realized the fence went five feet underground, and then below the whole property. Then they wanted to fly over it, but then realized it was above them as well. It was almost a sick thought, the Baudelaires thought, that the entire house was surrounded by a cube of electric wire. They sat glumly.
An hour later Count Olaf's black car pulled into the driveway, opening up and quickly closing an opening in the cube. He found the children, and Mr. Poe was still with him. Count Olaf took out the form that said, 'November 12TH, 1932. Mulcturary Money Management, the Banking District, Vassels City, England.' It was signed by both of them. Count Olaf had succeeded. The Baudelaire fortune was his, after all this time.