"Goodbye, children, please do not be foolish and immature, as you so often do, for this guardian." Only a reader with a head like a cinderblock-the phrase, "head like a cinderblock," is one which here means, "thick and un-understanding"-would be surprised in the least bit to find out that that was Mr. Poe speaking.
"Don't worry, I will be their last guardian," snarled Count Olaf.
"What?" asked Mr. Poe, surprised.
"I meant, that I will keep them safe for three years until Violet is of age and then let them free, and maybe even give them some of their fortune back at that time," said Count Olaf, in his slippery snake style voice.
"Oh, good," replied Mr. Poe, "See children? He is a wondrously kind man. Unlike that dreadful old Uncle Monty. Well, I need to go back to the bank. Mulctuary Money Management, that is. MMM, we call it. In fact, some employees even say 3M or M3 or The Triple M or simply make it one sound and say, 'mmm.'"
"Just go away," said Count Olaf, who at this point was as irritated from Mr. Poe's endless gibberish, and with one final, "Yes, okay, farewell children," and a fit of coughs, Mr. Poe left back to his job, for what, in all his endless stupidity, he was surprised to find was his last time.
Count Olaf looked at the children with eeriness and shininess in his eyes. "Ho! Orphan brats, we have an exciting afternoon ahead of us. Ho!" He stretched the word 'exciting' in an eerie and sinister way. "Just because you, Violet, are more useless than a pulley with no rope, and you, Klaus, are more pointless than dental floss, and you, Sunny, are more worthless than a dirty and empty sack, and all of you are more fruitless-that means useless, pointless and worthless, because I know you did not know that, in all your idiocy-than a vegetable tray, you will join me. First, we will go meet one of the few people above me in the heretical structure of the FS, then we will go exploring cliffs. Ho!"
Sunny, at this point, squealed, "Heretical? VFD? Cliffs? Confused. Nodeja." This, more or less, translated to, "What does heretical structure mean? What is the FS? What cliffs are you speaking of, if you could enlighten me? I am confused. I am not experiencing déjà vu and also need help."
Klaus explained that heretical structure simply referred to how an organization was managed, from top to bottom, but could not assist with her other two questions, and relayed-a word which here means, "transferred her questions," rather than, "transferred a small, metal, baton used in relay races,"-her questions to Count Olaf.
At this point, Count Olaf laughed, wheezed, laughed a little bit, then replied, "Ho! FS is anti-VFD organization founded after the schism for extremist anti-VFD people, not simply villains. Needless to say, me and about half of my cohorts joined. A total of thirty of the thousands of villains joined it. Now, every remaining villain from the schism is dead, besides the FS. And even of the FS, only eight remain. Including myself, and Gorgoroth, and who we about to meet-the Principal. At least we have more members alive than stupid VFD! They are down to one! Ho! LS! Ho! Whoever he is! Ho! Stupid orphans! Ho!"
"Four members. Us too," said Sunny. "Ho!" laughed Count Olaf, "Ho! Ho! Ho! I sound like Father Christmas I am laughing so hard! Ho! No one, save no one, understands your idiotic baby talk! Ho! No come with me! Ho!" I wish I could have been there at that moment, as I have many times in this appalling series, but I was not. I would have told Sunny-for she obviously meant, "Us three Baudelaires are volunteers, so there are four"-that there were in fact eight volunteers remaining after the fire in the Hotel Denouement. On the flip side of the coin-a phrase which here means, "Looking from the other point of view, however"-Count Olaf was wrong too. In fact, eleven villains were alive since the Dreadful Denouement Inferno, or DDI for short, as the fire at Hotel Denouement had now been called. Nevertheless, a total of nineteen volunteers and villains did not constitute a lot, and the rest of the people were normal people. The problem was, what with all influence from the volunteers and villains, even if normal people outnumbered them a billion to one, their presence would still be notable, because they are so significant in the tide of things.
"Come to my car," bellowed Count Olaf. They walked outside, sadly. Then they refused to go in, in fear. "GET IT THE DAMN CAR," bellowed Count Olaf in even a louder bellow. It is at this point Sunny said, "Redeja," as once again déjà vu was upon them, because after their Uncle Montgomery Montgomery had been viciously killed, Count Olaf had bellowed, "Get in the damn jeep," and in both cases, they had been facing dire circumstance, though I am sorry to report the new circumstance were exponentially-the word "exponentially" here means "quite a lot"-more dire.
Grimly they drove, once again back into the city. As they saw the city that never seemed to changed as the drove through it again, they sighed with sadness and déjà vu. The Baudelaire family had being known for having good instincts since their great-great-great-great-great-grandfather Bartholomew Baudelaire I had outwitted two tigers in extremely tight circumstances, and that was before that strange foreign country of America had fought a war with the English. Anyone who has read the A Series of Unfortunate Events series-and I do hope that amounts to none at all-knows that this generation of Baudeliares-seven generations and infinitely more miserable later, as up until them, the Baudelaire family enjoyed marvelous financial and social success, but not it all came crashing down in a miserable way, what with all the mysteries of the world-was extremely resourceful and had fantastic instincts, that got them out of a dozen tight situations previous. Unfortunately, they had a baker's dozen-a word which here means "thirteen," as opposed to "twelve bakers, or twelve from a baker"-of bad events. And unfortunately, it is always hard to save your live a bakers dozen times.
They left the city and went to the hills-which here has both a literal and figurative meaning. Figurative means, "An expression used by humans to make meaning." Literal means, "An actual meaning." The figurative meaning simply means, "went far away." Only someone as sadly idiotic as Mr. Poe would not be surprised to learn the literal meaning means, "actually went to the hills." In this case, they went to the hills that were far away.
They saw a house. It was on one of the hills. It was evil, dark and sinister looking. "There," breathed Count Olaf, even he seeming a bit nervous, "Is the house of the Principal-second in command of the FS." They walked to it and before Count Olaf could knock, it swung open. It was the Principal.
This man was tall, and had dull eyes. He was bald, but had a small beard. "Come in," he said.
Inside, they saw three people who looked the same who were doing various jobs, and they looked tired. "Who are these slaves?" asked Count Olaf. "These are the Trubbled triplets, Tony, Terry and Tory. They are of the final five volunteers we need to exterminate. Their parents are dead; do not worry. But, I decided to make them troubled, so their name would be followed. Anyways, what brings you here?"
Count Olaf said he finally had the Baudelaire fortune, and wanted to ask about the happenings in the higher levels of the FS, which the children did not know what it stood for, but they knew it must be sinister. Then Olaf said, "By the way, what do you mean, final five volunteers? I thought only LS still existed." "Ah," said the Principal, "These three measly measles consider themselves of VFD. Also, LS-whoever and wherever he is-apparently has a servant or something, named Daniel Handler. Alas, I am disgraced to have the same name as a volunteer. Anyways, how about we dispose of these three 'volunteers' and these children, then we can go meet the Eagle King, and the Godfather and see what is happening in the world of villainy!"
They left, this time in the large limousine owned by the Principal. The Principal drove, with Count Olaf in the passenger seat and Gorgoroth in the middle, holding Sunny in his lap. Violet, Klaus and Tony, Terry and Tory Trubbled were forced to be cooped together in the back.
"Did you know, children," said Tony, "That we have discovered the meaning of VFD and FS. VFD stands for Volunteer Fire Department, and FS stands for Fire Starters." Of course, by this time the Baudelaires had long solved the mystery of the name of VFD, but the information on FS was news to them. They whispered quietly, sharing secrets, but the Trubbled triplets-who were 30 years old-did not know much more than the Baudelaires.
They parked the car on a cliff and climbed out. Count Olaf yelled at them to get out of the car, and they complied. Then Gorgoroth came and tied them up. He led them to the edge of the cliff. Suddenly, a man appeared, with an eagle on his shoulder. "Count Olaf? Principal Daniel Flammons? Gorgoroth? It is an honor to be in the presence of people so high up in the FS hericachy. I am the humble Edward King, better known as the Eagle King. What brings you here. And who are these six despicable looking people. Five, actually. One of them is an even more despicable looking infant." "We came here to throw them off this cliff," said the Principal. "Let me help," said the Eagle King, "I would be honored to make a swarm of eagles come and knock them off the cliff." "Good," said the Principal.
"Eaglius, Lord of Eagles, fly and summon your flock, and make these volunteers and pre-volunteers fly off this cliff!" At this point, you are probably wondering what the Eagle King was doing. In layman's terms-a phrase which here means, "in normal words"-he was ordering his leader eagle to tell his eagle friends to kill the six volunteers.
The swarm of eagles came. The rushed to the cliff. The Baudelaires felt themselves falling. They could not struggle because the bonds were tight. Violet yelled, "For the love of inventions!" Klaus yelled, "For the love of books." Sunny yelled, "Geronimo," which meant something along the lines of, "For the love of hard things! For the love of cooking!" The Trubbled triplets too fell. Tony yelled, "For the love of goodness!" Terry yelled, "For the love of greatness!" Tory yelled, "For the love of excellentness!"
At this point, all six parties in question were shocked to here three more voices. "For the love of Prufock!" yelled the Principal, referring to both his school, Prufock Prepatory School, which is now vacant-a word which here means "unused"-and Dominick Ex Prufock, one of his heroes, who happened to be the wretched principal of a wretched school, who was burned at the stake over six centuries years ago and who he named his school after. "For the love of eagles!" yelled the Eagle King. "For the love of sharp, pointy spikes and dark armor!" yelled Gorgoroth.
Apparently, the eagles accidentally knocked the three villains off, dooming them as well. They were certainly sad, but helpless to do anything about, their king. They flew away.
The number three, being the third number in the Arabic numerical system, is the third number in the Arabic numerical system, and is pronounced three. After counting "one" and "two," one then counts "three," to be the third number in that sequence, as it has long been the third number in the Arabic numerical system and at this point you are asleep so you will not read the final chapter of the final book of A Series of Unfortunate Events and a ferocious fiasco finale will not make you desperately sad.
Please, if you are still awake, pretend the Baudelaires were picked up by the eagles or landed in an ice cream truck so as to spare yourself tears.
The penultimate chapter of the finale book ends here, with nine volunteers and villains plummeting. Please do not imagine them plummeting to their doom. Now go throw this book and make it plummet into a volcano and destroy it.
Almost The End.