Authoress' note: I still don't own Inuyasha or anything in the Inuyasha universe.

Once again: This fic contains HEAVY out-of-character shounen-ai themes and sort-of Mpreg. If you don't like that stuff or don't understand what "parody" means, please hit the back button now. If you aren't crazy about that stuff and youdo know what "parody" means, this might be the fic just for you!

I also won't be held responsible for weird spacing as the interface on ff dot net seems to love taking my spaces out here and there. I can't fixone thing without something else getting messed up.

4/26/06--fixed a couple things.

Firearms of Steel, Halberd of Iron!

CHAPTER TWO.

Bankotsu and Renkotsu smiled to themselves, each watching the sunset as they sat side-by-side on the steps to their base, which they had finally reached about an hour ago.

Renkotsu recalled how he and his fearless leader had given one another offensive and defensive pointers on their way here. And Renkotsu delved into the endless advantages of daily moisturiziation with aloe vera gel--since they were, ya know, using it and everything. It was all so unusually impulsive for Renkotsu, but nonetheless, it was worthwhile, and he'd do it all over again had he had the chance. Because he was so in love, and without that pat-on-the-back, this would not have been at all possible!

Renkotsu smiled. He thought it annoying that he and Bankotsu should have argued so much at first as to who should be on top, but, nonetheless, they settled their differences, and agreed that each should have their own chance at playing leader.

And now, Bankotsu was sitting aside him. Basking in the afterglow of their newfound ardor, Renkotsu noticed that his lover looked positively ravishing in the evening light.

"Big Brother?"

Bankotsu turned his head towards his lover, and placed a hand on his knee. "Yeah?"

"I've been feeling nauseous in the past few moments."

Bankotsu raised an eyebrow. "So?"

Renkotsu looked back at him cautiously. He wanted to break this to Bankotsu slowly so as not to have his heart burst from happiness.

"So? Didja catch somethin'?"

"No," said Renkotsu excitedly, although as demurely as possible, as he was still trying to discover Bankotsu's family values. He cleared his throat. "We...we should consider some names for our offspring."

"You're...pregnant?" asked Bankotsu, turning white as a sheet.

"I do believe I am, even though it's a physical imposs-"

Renkotsu was cut off from breathing by an intensely painful bear-hug by Bankotsu.

"Oh, my God! That's so great! I'm so happy!" tearfully said Bankotsu, while maintaining a vise-like grip on Renkotsu's torso.

Sure he was feeling his ribs breaking, he tried to get the attention of the young man. "Big...Brother...," Renkotsu said, squeezing every syllable out, trying to be heard, "I...can't...breathe..."

Bankotsu let go of the firearms expert, and Renkotsu breathed in heavily, gasping for air while clutching his chest, relieved to be able to use his lungs again. Bankotsu gave a multitude of apologies to Renkotsu.

The firearms expert grinned while reoxygenating his body. Bankotsu truly didn't know his own strength sometimes...but that's one thing that made him so attractive to Renkotsu in the past!

"That's so great, " Bankotsu continued, wiping a tear from his eyes. "Wow, in record time too! That's pretty fast even for an Mpreg fic!" The young man's shoulders fell a bit. "Though I really wanted to be the one to get pregnant, yanno, being the one with the long hair and all," he said, looking up at the firearms expert's ever-so-slightly-miffed face, "but pregnancy is never a predictible thing." Bankotsu made a fist and raised it in victory. "But I shouldn't be surprised!" He crossed his arms defiantly, and raised an eyebrow, proud as a peacock. "I'd like to think I have the strongest swimmers in Japan!"

Renkotsu smiled. Only he was privy to the fact that were more parts of Bankotsu's anatomy that were as strong as his swimmers. "About the names, Big Brother..."

Bankotsu thought for a while, but shook his head. "Renkotsu, I'm not good with names. I think you should handle that."

Renkotsu humphed amusedly. Bankotsu was never good with details. "Maybe you can suggest a general idea as to where we should start looking?"

"Well...it would be great to name 'em after the men we lost," Bankotsu reconsidered, smiling and stroking his chin with a finger in thought.

Renkotsu startled a bit. "What if we have girls, Big Brother?"

Bankotsu laughed, and lightly punched his lover in the shoulder, which translated into almost knocking him off the steps. "You always think of everything," he said. He stretched his arms behind his head, leaned back, and balanced a leg on his opposite knee. He lazily swung the top leg for a few thoughtful seconds. "Ah," he said, waving a hand, "we'll just give 'em back and get a refund. So we have to make sure we keep our receipts."

Renkotsu's eyes went even wider than before. "But...!"

No sooner had he heard Bankotsu's answer when Jakotsu came walking up to them.

"Bankotsu! Big Brother!" said Jakotsu, in answer to Bankotsu's warm hello and wave.

A twinge of jealousy ran through Renkotsu. So many fangirls have it all wrong! Bankotsu and I truly are the ones who belong together! This one here, he thought, glaring at Jakotsu, never had anything to do with him!

"I still haven't seen Inuyasha around," reported Jakotsu sadly. Downcast, he sat to the opposite side of Bankotsu as his other comrade. "I really want those ears," he said dreamily, while gazing off into the horizon. "They'd look so good next to my wolf-tail and my monk's staff when I get a hold of them!"

Bankotsu hmmed in the most non-partisan way he could.

Jakotsu noticed that he was not his usual self; he was way too disinterested in his report, and it worried him.

Bankotsu brightened, and flashed an engaging grin toward his comrade. "Hey, Jakotsu! I need your opinion on something," said Bankotsu to Jakotsu after a short silence.

Jakotsu looked at his leader, stunned. "What do you need my opinion for?"

"I wanna know what you think Renkotsu here and I should name our kids."

Jakotsu almost fell over dead right there. Never had he heard such ridiculous tripe from his fearless leader. He blinked a few times, but that didn't change the situation. It wasn't a bad dream, and he didn't end up waking up.

"...Excuse me?" It was the most polite thing Jakotsu had ever said in his entire life. He immediately wanted to have all his comrades beside him again, just so they all could unload every single ounce of firepower owned by the Seven Man Army on the authoress.

I'm always proven right that women are positively FILTHY!, thought Jakotsu, scowling at the authoress.

Jakotsu's vengeful thoughts were interrupted by Bankotsu's continuation of his saccarine-laden ramblings. "Renkotsu and I. We're gonna have a baby together! We hit the sack on the way here, and Renkotsu's pregnant."

Jakotsu wanted to gag himself as he transferred his attention to Renkotsu. And he was appalled at Renkotsu's calm, frighteningly uncharacteristic smile. It was the creepiest darn thing he'd ever seen.

"You know, Jakotsu," said Bankotsu, in a fatherly tone, "there comes a time in every man's life when he thinks of bigger and better things. When he's tired of the way things are, and wants to cut himself a new break. When he gathers together the broken pieces of experience life has handed him, and strives to create a new image of himself, where those broken pieces form a beautiful-"

"-I get it, Big Brother," said Jakotsu menacingly. This was definitely a terribly written Bankotsu. Flowery language was usually Renkotsu's business.

Bankotsu nervously messed with the ties on his gloves. "I'm saying that I wanna quit being a mercenary and run away with Renkotsu, so we can have lots of babies together."

Jakotsu glanced over to Renkotsu. "Renkotsu, my brother, tell me this is a joke. Back me up here."

Renkotsu still had the same disturbing, serene smile on his face. "Jakotsu, we will name a child after you if you'd like."

Bankotsu nudged his lover's arm, and winked at him. "And you're not even half done finding out all my kinks yet!"

"Big Brother, I'm sure that you're the kinkiest one out of us all!"

And with that, the two of them burst into laughter.

Jakotsu couldn't help himself. Standing up, he began to throw a tantrum on the steps, but lost his balance in disorientation, tumbled over himself, and landed at the bottom of the stairs. He righted himself with his eyes squeezed shut and his jaw clenched, clutching his head in agony as he sat in the dirt. OK, so he wasn't the strongest, the smartest, the most vicious, the most versatile, but, goddamnit, he was the kinkiest! How dare his Big Brother trump him in that department!

"Bankotsu! Big Brother! My brother Renkotsu! This is not right!" he exclaimed.

He glared at the both of them. Bankotsu wanted to quit the team and Renkotsu wasn't a heartless bastard anymore! What could he possibly do?

Still sitting in a heap on the ground, Jakotsu realized that the Seven Man Army was the victim of another awful fangirl plot device. He let go of his head, and his shoulders slumped resignedly. He clucked his tongue and sighed. First it was all those awful Mary Sues, and now this! It's now this this "plot?-what-plot?" crap!

Jakotsu shook his head, and got up to his feet. He trudged over to where his two comrades were sitting, and once again, sat down next to Bankotsu, a concerned gleam in his eyes. What was wrong with the two of them?

He glanced down at Bankotsu's right wrist. Maybe the answer was there!

"Bankotsu?"

"Yeah?" said Bankotsu, "Got any ideas for names yet?" he asked, hopeful.

Jakotsu rolled his eyes. He'd have to do this the hard way.

"Bankotsu, can I see your palm?"

"Why?"

Jakotsu turned down a corner of his mouth wryly. "I've been trying to learn palm reading," he lied. "I, uh, want to tell the futures of you and the...new..." Jakotsu couldn't decide whether to say "mother" or "father". Figuring the filth that women are, and not wanting to insult Renkotsu, he finally decided on "father" as he glanced over to him.

Renkotsu shyly touched his fingertips to his mouth and looked away.

This is getting more frightening by the second! thought Jakotsu, sticking his tongue out in disgust.

"Great!" said Bankotsu, holding out his right palm to Jakotsu. "I wanna know if he'll be strong like me, or smart like Renkotsu! Because, yanno, if he's none of that, we're gonna have to trade him in, too."

Renkotsu rolled his eyes. "Bankotsu...think of the children!"

Jakotsu took hold of Bankotsu's wrist. "I'm so sorry, Big Brother," he said sadly. And with that, he viciously dug his fingernails into Bankotsu's wrist.

The unexpected pain caused Bankotsu to cry out, and try to pull his arm back. He leaned over and had to support himself with a hand on the steps. "Jakotsu! Wh-- what the hell are you doing?" he hissed through clenched jaw, squeezing his eyes shut from the pain.

Renkostu humphed jealously, looked away from them, and crossed his arms while listening to Bankotsu's gasping and whimpering. This the kind of thing that the fangirls usually go for! But they are still...wrong!

Jakotsu dug around a bit, to Bankotsu's extreme discomfort. Finding what he wanted, he ripped something out.

It was Suikotsu's jewel shard, which he had given to Bankotsu the previous day.

And the shard still had a twinge of bright purple to it!

Jakotsu lowered his brow. As he observed the shard, a bead or two of Bankotsu's blood fell from the shard to the floor. "Just what I suspected. It's still-" Jakotsu thought he was going to get sick all over the steps, "-pure," he spat out.

Grasping his wrist against the pain, Bankotsu shut one eye. "The hell does that mean?"

"It was affecting you horribly, Big Brother! It was making you into some kind of gooey, twisted...fluffbunny!"

"Huh," said Bankotsu, still gripping his arm. "Makes sense."

Jakotsu looked a bit relieved. It seems that Bankotsu's head was getting clear, now that the awful pureness of Suikotsu's shard was removed from him.

He had to think of a way to make the shard impure, and since "impurity" was Jakotsu's middle name, or last name if you like, it didn't take long.

He held the shard in his palm, and thought up vivid mental pictures of all the things he'd love to do and say to Inuyasha if only Bankotsu would allow him to kill the half-demon. It made him so excited, and he made all sorts of happy noises thinking about it. He wished so, so badly that the background would turn green and happy and bubbly, but since Inuyasha is the good guy, even more so the Title Character, the Powers That Be deemed it inappropriate. In spite of all the red tape, tears still poured out from his eyes, and they rolled down his face. They splashed onto the jewel shard in his palms. The shard responded to Jakotsu's outpouring of emotion by turning dark again.

Jakotsu grasped Bankotsu's wrist again, and slipped the shard back in. Bankotsu once again had to flinch against the pain of inserting it, but the shard completely healed his wound, and in no time, he was back to normal.

Bankotsu flexed his hand. "Damn, I don't remember much of what happened in the past few hours, except that it sucked."

Our passionate, blissful time together was not to his liking? thought Renkotsu. Was I too rough? Or not rough enough? We...we desperately need to talk this out!

"Your jewel shard was intolerably pure, Big Brother! It was affecting your thinking!"

He turned to Jakotsu, and breathed a sigh of relief. "I sure owe you another one!" he said, giving him another of his strong slaps on the back. "You're the best."

Jakotsu smiled. "It's so nice to have you back, Big Brother." He pouted adorably. "Now may I go kill Inuyasha?"

Bankotsu's eyes shifted to their corners, and Renkotsu could see him glaring in irritation. "No, Jakotsu. I told you a thousand times that he's mine."

Jakotsu's shoulders fell again. Unfortunately, Bankotsu was back to normal.

Jakotsu perked up. "Big Brother! What about him? Renkotsu, my brother, you haven't been feeling well, either!"

Renkotsu gulped in terror.

Bankotsu caught on. He put one hand on a hip, and leaned over, with his brow raised. "Huh...I wonder if he's got a crappy shard, too."

Jakotsu glared at Renkotsu, who had a look of sheer terror on his face Especially when Jakotsu licked his lips suggestively.

Renkotsu gulped, wide eyed. His forehead became damp with perspiration. He knew he'd have a lot of explaining to do.

They'll either find out about Ginkotsu's shard...or they'll find that both of my shards are completely impure and I was serious!

What do I do now?

The End!