Disclaimer: None of shows, products, companies, or movies I am making fun of belong o me. But I do own the spoofs, most of the jokes and the parodies so back off you animals!

I apologize to anyone I have offended with my stupidity…

Hello and welcome to the first edition of the channel 1756823 Anime News Team with…

Joe none of your fucking business-Anchorman

Kate also none of fucking business-Sports

Mike nunya-Weather

Lizzie you can guess what I'm going to say-Breaking News.

And…

Paul I'm not even going to say it-Politics

Closed Captioning brought to you by:

The Old and the Decrepit: Sasha loves Nick but does Nick love Sasha? Or does he love the woman playing poker with the hearing aid?

The Tree: What happens when seven kids touch the same tree at the same time? Absolutely nothing. In theaters Friday.

Camera turns on and Joe is reading a Playboy magazine.

Someone whispers something and Joe immediately throws the magazine off screen.

Joe smiles sheepishly and starts the show.

"Hello and welcome to the first edition of Anime News Team, I'm Joe worry about my last name on your own time."

"Now onto our first story where we have Kate reporting, Kate?"

Air Dud?

Kate is reporting in a stadium where an angry mob has apparently made its way onto the field.

"Well it seems that the famous sports playing dog Air Bud is actually a fake!"

Joe back at the studio. "How? Me and my children watch that movie all the time! We love it!"

Kate takes out an umbrella as food etc. rains down from the crowd in the stands.

"It appears that special effects, cheap theatrics, and even a stunt double were involved."

"That comes to me as shock, Kate!" Joe exclaims.

"Well it should Joe, there are numerous-oh my god! The crowd has dragged the dog onto the field and begun to beat it! "

Only a bloody pulp is visible as people begin to beat it with sticks.

"Even the people who cannot reach the field from the stands has begun to throw various ob-"

Kate is interrupted as a metal folding chair hits her in the head.

"Kate? Oh well, we have Paul reporting on scene were a trial is being held. Paul, what's going on there?"

Ash Ketchum murdered?

Paul is standing in front of a court house smoking a cigarette.

Paul realizes he's on and throws the cigarette

"You see Joe-"

Paul is interrupted as his cigarette lands in a woman's hair and catches fire.

The flaming woman runs past him screaming, who Paul completely ignores.

"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, Ash Ketchum has been murdered by a crazy fan."

"Why would someone do that?" Joe wonders to himself.

"Well, it appears that this fan just realized after the fifty-somethingth season of Pokemon that Ash Ketchum was played by Veronica Taylor."

"What an imbecile!" Joe laughs.

"Well, it seems that it was a woman who killed Ash saying women shouldn't play the roles of men."

Paul watches as the flaming woman falls to the ground and her whole body catches fire.

Paul takes out another cigarette and lights it. "Back to you Joe."

"Hold on a sec, we have breaking news with daring reporter Lizzie ask and we'll kill you. Where are you Lizzie?"

"I'm in Japan reporting from the channel 1756823 where it would appear there is a fight between Japanese anime characters over licensing and the trip of a life time to America."

Lizzie pilots the chopper a little closer to see all the details of the fight. The camera

shows all the characters fighting.

"This fight has escalated over the last few hours from yelling baka back and forth to using various weapons including, pistols, AKs, ground-to-air-shoulder-mounted-rocket-launchers, ki blasts, swords, and tickets to E3. This could really get out of hand and…Oh crap!"

The camera shows a missile heading right for it.

"Holy shit!"

There is a flash and then static.

Joe looks not in the least bit shocked and continues the newscast.

"We'll be right back after this short break…"

Commercial 1:

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A man in a red jumpsuit speaks in a high voice and over pronounces his words.

"Try FIRE products the work gre-AAAAAHHHHHH!"

As soon as he applies the lotion his skin bursts into flames and he starts rolling on the ground.

"Try FIRE products they'll make you look hot!"

End Commercial 1

Commercial 2:

"Try the new Phony Paystation 3!"

"With new payment methods such as pay by phone, pay with credit card, and pay with your soul!"

"Phony Paystation!"

"Pay in your world!"

"Pay in ours!"

End Commercial 2:

Joe staring at the camera.

"We're back now with Mike no really forget about it with the weather.Mike?"

"Its coming man!"

Joe rolls his eyes.

"What's coming Mike?"

"The apocalypse man!"

"Wha? Mike have you been taking drugs again?"

"Only some meth I made at home…"

"Hold on…I've just gotten news that you have been suspended with out pay until further notice."

"okay…"

Mike trudges off screen.

"We seem to have re-established connection with Kate! Kate are you there?"

Kate is rubbing a bandage on her head.

"It seems that all the oww…fans in the oww…stadium have oww…left as there are oww… no more remains oww… of the famous oww… dog ow."

"Totally interesting…" Joe rolls his eyes.

"Wait…Amazing! Lizzie has apparently survived the aforementioned explosion and is reporting on the sight in Japan. Lizzie? Lizzie can you hear me!"

Lizzie still alive?

Lizzie's hair is completely burned off and her clothes are covered in ash.

"Yes I'm here where my helicopter crashed and as you can see no survivors except me and the cameraman are left you see…"

A weakened anime character runs her through with his sword then other characters pull out various weapons and begin to kill Lizzie.

"Guess Lizzie won't be reporting for a while." Joe stares blankly.

"Well that's it for tonight edition of Anime News Team, thank you and goodnight."

Channel 1756823 Anime News Team is brought to you by:

The Tree:

(Creepy music plays.)

The tree gave them nothing…and now they have to give it nothing in return. From the minds that brought you Grand Theft Auto:Liberty City Stories' "The MainFrame", This is the only horror movie to give you the feeling that nothing is happening, and nothing really is!

(Woman screams.)

The Tree…

In theaters Friday.