(Chapter 4)

Sirius' POV

I didn't sleep well that night, my dreams were filled of Remus, nightmares of him turning away from me, never looking at me, and not knowing I was there. Towards morning, my dreams changed to resemble the other night, dreams of his lips against mine.

I awoke feeling confused, annoyed and restless. I looked across at Remus' bed, surprised to see him still there, well his hangings still closed. I slowly got out of bed and dressed, taking my time, waiting for Remus to wake. But half an hour later when he still hadn't appeared I gave up and made my way down into the common room. Few people were there, most enjoying the bright weekend weather outside. I spent the day wandering around the castle, trying to find Remus. It seemed James and Peter had managed to get themselves detention from McGonagall once again so I was for a first alone in my meandering. Towards the afternoon when I still could not find him, I made my way to the Gryffindor common room and settled down in a comfy sofa by a window. I flicked through an old Daily Prophet lying on a table nearby, wasting time. My dreams from the night before plagued my mind, flitting through, never resting on one entirely. Memories of Remus running away from me, the next moment pressed against me. My fingers took my aggression out onto the pages in front of me, people in photos scowling at me as I accidentally ripped them. I turned the last page of the newspaper realising I hadn't read anything, and gave an inaudible sigh.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Remus' shape dart through the portrait hole, I quickly stole after him, and he was hurrying down the corridor when I caught up with him,

"Oi, Moony! Wait up!" He slowed and half turned towards me, not meeting my eye.

"Oh, hi Sirius didn't see you there."

"Yea sure you didn't, I seem to be invisible to you at the moment." I couldn't keep the bitterness from my voice, he shifted his weight uncomfortably.

"I…Sorry, I'm just abit….preoccupied at the moment." he slowly turned back and carried on walking, I fell into step beside him.

"You could try and not take it out on me, you know." He mumbled an apology. I sighed, not wanting to start an argument but also wanting to get to the bottom of it.

"So what's on your mind?" I heard a sharp intake of breath from him like he was holding back words, then, "This, that. I guess I'm still coming to terms with…well you know."

Remus' POV

"So what's on your mind?" You, no wait can't say that!

"This, that. I guess I'm still coming to terms with…well you know." We were now walking along the library corridor; I turned into it and made my way to an empty table away from others, Sirius following close behind.

Sirius lowered himself into a chair opposite me as I began to pull books and parchment out of my bag.

"Well erm, while we're on the subject," He began, "When did you know that you were… when you found out you're attracted to guys?" A blush tinged my cheeks slightly; I did not want to discuss this, especially with him.

"I dunno." I mumbled.

"C'mon Moony, I'm just trying to figure this out, help you. You seem, I dunno, almost scared to be gay."

"Of course I'm scared to be gay!" I hissed at him, "I'm a loner by nature, a loner by being a werewolf and now this!" My pent up frustration at myself let loose, taking Sirius by surprise.

I took a moment to calm myself; I've always been able to control myself, losing it once a month taught me quickly the ways of shielding myself with a mask.

"I'll get over it, it's probably just a phase, I'll be fine." I felt I was trying to convince myself more than him. Sirius was looking at me with concern,

"It's not something to be ashamed of…"

"No, buts it's not exactly the best thing for me is it?" He gave a small smile. He knew about all the difficulties in my life, he knew as he was always there beside me. My heart gave a thud when he caught my eye; it felt like he was looking right through me to the quick.

"So how did you know?"

"What do you mean?" I whispered back,

"How did you know you were gay?" His eyes never left mine, it was so hard to concentrate and construct a whole sentence with him looking at me like that, and the question didn't help either.

"I didn't."

"Huh? But you..."

"No, I mean…I didn't really know. I didn't call myself that, you did. I just knew that I felt differently about someone."

"Oh," He looked confused, I was too. I tried to explain it,

"Well, I suppose it started when I began to have these dreams…" His eyes opened slightly, "What sort of dreams?"

"Dreams about… well about a guy." He seemed to think on this for a moment, I continued, "And it was all I could think about, well it is all I can think about." He leant back in his chair regarding me softly.

"When did you start having dreams?"

"Couple of weeks ago."

"And you've only just told me bout it?" I looked down, guiltily. "Jeez, it's not good to keep these things bottled inside." He rocked on his chair backwards, running both hands through his hair. He seemed to think for a moment, and then gently lowered the chair legs back to the floor and leaned forward slightly to ask me,

"What were the dreams like?" Again, sentences formed and died on my lips.

"Um…well, at first they were just normal, bout erm, him, like we were flying together, or in the common room. Normal things. And then…"

"Yea, go on…"

"Well, they became more personal, and erm, physical." I glanced up to see how he would react, and was surprised to see him still listening intently.

"It wasn't just the dreams though, stupid things like a touch on the arm or a glance started to bring different feelings than they used to." I began to grow uncomfortable, with his gaze still on me, and the way the conversation was going, things weren't good.