Fighting Love

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Perfection.

Is that too much to ask for? Not in another person, mind you, but in myself. If only I could be what I want myself to be. If only I could be the girl, the woman, if we go by what he says--if I could only be the woman he deserves.

With all of this I know now
Everything inside of my head
It all just goes to show how
Nothing I know changes me at all

My whole body, especially my head, aches. Decisions I've made haunt me, settling into my thoughts, into my joints, covering my body in shame.

That's exactly what I feel. Shame. I find it hard not to feel that the best way to deal with this is to just suck it up and suffer. I am not one who hasn't experienced enough of it before and sometimes I feel that it is just best to go on with what I know. Just let the anguish wash me over and wear me down until I am raw.

Of course, Harry and Ron notice after I let this happen. You see, me raw is pretty much me in a very, very bad mood. And people are bound to notice when you go around scowling and being, well, bitchy all day long.

I sit around, being raw and miserable and just too damn stubborn to admit that I chose the wrong path and that…that I lost it all.

I lost everything that might have been.

By being me, I lost what could have been--who knows, but I like to think it would have been great. I like to think that instead of crying tears of agony; I'd be crying tears of joy or laughter.

And then, in all my misery, I look up and see him, smiling, laughing, his eyes catching mine—and I wish to Merlin, to god, to whatever power is out there that I be given a chance to rewind time. Rewind to go back to the night of the dance, the night when everything officially came to an end.

Again I waited for this to change instead
To tear the world in two
another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

It had been a year since the night Malfoy had come into my rooms and announced that I, Hermione Granger, liked him, Draco Malfoy.

He'd said it in that confident cocky voice of his, trademark smirk in place, hands on hips, and blond hair gleaming in that unnatural way.

The night of the ball marked, well, a big step for me. We'd been doing this weird two step dance that neither of knew the steps to. We were going to be among our fellow students. There would be no place to hide.

I'd have no place to hide.

I knew this, I knew this very well and it had scared me so bad that the six weeks leading up to the dance I'd avoided him with a passion. I'd thrown myself uncannily into my work and had been surprised when Blaise Zabini had complied, working just as diligently beside me. I'd soon found out that Blaise was an interesting character and I'd grown to enjoy his company and…his stories about Draco Malfoy.

"We could have the Weird Sisters again." Blaise murmured, turning through the list of possible bands I'd handed him an hour ago.

The Weird Sisters were possible, I had to admit, but…

"But then again, that would be lame." Blaise added, scratching out their name without waiting for my word.

I smiled, it was hard not to. Blaise swept a hand through his mussed black hair. "You think we could have streamers?"

"Streamers?" I was still grinning uncharacteristically at the Slytherin.

Blaise nodded, shifting his wait to lean forward over the table. "Yeah. Streamers. You know, those things made out of paper that are, like…different colors and you pretty much just drape them over everything?"

I nodded. "I know of them, I'm just surprised that you do is all."

Blaise laughed, the papers falling onto the table as he leaned back. "I blame Draco for my affection for that damn muggle decoration."

My interest perked against my will. "How so?" I asked, keeping my eyes down. But Blaise had caught my keenness at the mention of Draco's name and he smirked.

"You're odd, Gryffindor."

Rolling my eyes I shuffled my papers. "Should I take that as a compliment?"

Again Blaise only shrugged off my comment. "Draco and I are always holding parties down in the dungeons. You see, unlike you stuck-up Gryffindors, us Slytherins know how to party."

I frowned, not really caring about the intended insult, but at the fact that Blaise now seemed to bait me. His eyes were sparkling with a mischief that five weeks of knowing him had taught me to be wary of.

My eyes narrowed, it was Blaise after all, and I'd yet to back down from one of his so-called challenges. "That still doesn't explain why there were muggle party decorations there."

Nodding Blaise continued. "We usually smuggle food in from Hogsmead and send several people down to get food off the house elves."

"Like that's hard?"

A wide smile graced his lips, Blaise laughed at me. I liked the way he smiled. He was kind--I'd come to realize, when he was in an environment he felt comfortable in. When he was with friends. And over the weeks, I'd noticed the way he'd begun to smile, to joke, to…it seemed so easy for him. I was jealous. Why couldn't things be as easy for me?

Oh, that's right, because I'm emotionally challenged. I'm challenged more than emotionally. I'm challenged when it comes to trust, to letting myself be happy. Shaking away my thoughts I grin as well.

"Can I ask you a question Granger?"

I nodded.

Blaise leaned forward. "I told you about Bernice, right?"

Nodding, I tick off the other names and stories he'd told me. "Carla, Parvati, Missy, Sara, and," I took a deep breath. "Millicent."

Blaise cringed good-naturedly. "Well, now there's Bernice. And…"

"Let me guess, she dumped you after…" I thought back to the story of Millicent, counting forward. "Three days."

Blaise grimaced. "Yeah."

I nodded sympathetically. "And your question is?"

"Why do they do that? I mean, I'm not overly horrible, I don't act like some raging hormonal teenager or anything. Why is it that they just up and dump me for no reason other than that they 'have their reasons'?"

I feel for him as he leans back in frustration. Blaise Zabini went through girls--or rather girls went through him faster than I could count. He wasn't a bad guy, not someone who deserved what he was getting. I felt sick to my stomach at the way girls were treating him.

His face was screwed up in confusion and pain--an expression that I felt I had worn too many times myself.

"I don't know. I really don't know, Blaise. Maybe, maybe you just need to look at…" I sighed. "At different kinds of girls."

He ignored me once again even though I knew he heard and logged away everything I said. "I know about you and Draco."

Thank Merlin I hadn't been drinking anything, because I'm more than positive I'd have choked. "What! Blaise are you crazy?" My already tormented body now felt as if it had been picked up and was about to be wrung dry by cruel hands. Why?

"He talks about you."

"He insults me."

"When it's just the two of us. He's actually been threatening me lately."

"Doesn't seem different to me."

"He's jealous, you know."

"What?" It was as if I were talking to thin air for all the good my words did me. Blaise tended to hold a conversation with a person without exactly holding an actual conversation. I gave up and just listened to him unravel.

"Draco's not happy about you avoiding him and all."

My mouth dropped open. "I am not avoiding him!"

Blaise didn't even bother to tell me I was a big fat liar. He only stared at me with his piercing dark eyes.

I could feel the tears well up, unbidden. "Damn it." I moaned, resting my head on the table. "Just tell him to leave me alone." I groaned miserably.

Blaise's voice drifted into my ear. "He would, but the poor boy is smitten."

Now I was just amused. Smitten, Malfoy? With me? Ha, ha, very funny. No one could be smitten with dumpy me.

I know you say
Maybe some day
I need never be alone
I know I say
It's the right way
But you'll never be the one

It's so hard to believe you can be special to someone. I know this; I know the pain of pushing them away--pushing them, pushing them away. And for what? I ask myself this now, for no other reason other than I did not trust them. I did not trust them with my feelings.

It's funny for me, someone who has never really been hurt--to have this guard up around myself twenty-four seven. But even with the most carefully watched shield, something, or rather, someone always slips pass.

And then I really feel the pain.

Seeing you every day puts a smile on my face, then a frown, then a grimace, and so on until I feel sick just to see you. I hate what I've done.

Could you ever forgive me?

Could you ever take me back? Or have I ruined it, for all time. Just by being me.

All's I ask, as I lay in my bed completely alone, is for perfection. I want to be the perfect one for you. But…I can feel the icy hot tear as it stings my eyes. They catch at the brim, not willing to escape, but instead torment me with their salty sting. I don't want to cry. I don't want any of this anymore. I…I can't handle it.

Screaming in one's head results in nothing more than a large headache, sore muscles, and tear stained eyes.

But this is my life.

I can hear the common room door closing and the footsteps of two males walk pass my door and into Draco's room. Wiping furiously at my eyes I got myself out of bed, smoothing my wrinkled clothing and my hair. Grabbing the notes off my desk, I opened my door, took two steps to his and knocked.

My heart wishes to stop as he opens the door. His eyes run over me coldly. "Granger."

Not knowing exactly what had possessed me to do this, I shoved the papers in front of me, mumbling incoherently. The second his hand was on them, I turned and scampered back to the safety of my room, the door slamming behind me. My chest was rising and falling rapidly. Something I am sure is not exactly good for my already stressed body. Slowly, ever so slowly I sank to the floor, leaning my head against the wall.

Why did things have to be like this?

Oh, that's right. I made them this way. This is what I wanted.

Merlin, I'm an idiot.

I've been walking alone now
For a long long time
I don't want to hang out now

The knock surprised me from my thoughts and I got up as one does when someone knocks.

"Open up Granger."'

I froze in my tracks. Did I dare open the door? Did I dare face him? Would I crumble at the sight of him? Slowly, I backed away from the door until my legs met with resistance. I sat on my bed, trying to calm my rapid breathing and heartbeat, which I was sure he could hear, even through the door.

"You are going to stop this foolishness and open the door!"

I could hear his agitation. I could just imagine his eyes narrowed in anger, his lips pursed, and his hand on the wall as he leaned towards the door. Possibly resting his forehead against said door.

With all my thoughts, it's obvious that I didn't even think to answer.

"Damn it Granger, I've let you go on like this for far too long. If you don't open this door this instant, I'll be forced to result to desperate measures."

"And he means desperate measures." Came another voice, one that I recognized as Blaise's.

"Shut up." Came Draco's irritated reply. "Granger!" he shouted again. "Are you listening to me?"

I still couldn't work up the courage to answer. The silence continued until I caught the sound of whispering. Slowly I crept towards the door, pressing my ear against it.

"Go get Potter, or Weasley, or that other one."

"For what?"

"Her password you idiot."

"Eh?"

"Just go get one of them."

"And how exactly am I supposed to get them to come up here?"

"Use your imagination." I heard Draco hiss.

I didn't want my friends brought into this. It was bad enough that Blaise new everything. I didn't need anyone else to know.

"Don't." I shouted.

"Oh. Granger. You're alive. I was beginning to wonder."

Gritting my teeth I held my tongue. "What do you want Malfoy?"

"Why don't you suck up some of that Gryffindor courage and come out here and face me, and then maybe, we'll talk."

What Gryffindor courage? I thought. I'd lost all courage the minute I'd looked at him.

Heal me
I begged and love said no
Leave me
for dead and let me go
Kill me
I cried and love said no
Kill me
I cried and love said no

Every time I approached him with a fully formed plan…all it took was a look from him and that plan might as well just commit suicide for all the good it will do me.

The pain in my chest tightened, my hand flying towards the spot as if I could massage it all away. If only such things were so easy. "I have nothing to say to you!"

I could imagine Draco smirking at this and I could tell in his voice he was doing just that. "Right, Granger. Get out here now."

Just hearing his voice, even that condescending tone, was a punch to my gut. I wanted nothing more than for him to speak to me in soft, hushed tones, to…these thoughts had to go! Now! The punch of anguish I felt at the sound of his voice was ten times worse than the dull, never ending ache I felt when all I did was crave to hear it. Merlin, why do I feel so much?

Oh, a senseless world! What a wonder that would be!

I could hear Blaise's retreating footsteps and in a moment of panic, I was out the door. "Don't!" I cried, glad to see Blaise stop, spin and come back, a slight smile on his annoyingly charming features.

Draco grabbed my arm and spun me toward him. "It's about time you saw reason." There was no smirk in his eyes. Only…controlled anger.

How controlled, well, I really hope I don't find that out.

"Should I vanish, or should I stick around and play mediator?"

I nodded feverishly. Yes! Blaise, stay. But Draco was shaking his head and my vocal cords denied my brains insistent shouts to work.

Angry with my uncooperative body, it was damn determined to be alone with my obsession, or so it seems, I tried instead to use my eyes and my telepathic abilities to tell Blaise to stay.

As you might have already guessed, you have to have eye contact with someone and a profound understanding of a person for such a message to be received or even sent, and lets just say my telepathic abilities border on nil. All that is a fancy round about way of saying I failed, miserably.

I watched the retreating Slytherin as he turned, small smile still in place and eyes gleaming. I watched him exit the portrait, and I watched it swing shut behind him. Still, I stared at the portrait, willing him to come back.

"He's gone." Draco said finally.

I wasn't about to give up, I continued to stare, eyes frozen on the portrait.

"He's not coming back."

Damn if I was to believe him, of all people--my eyes firmly rooted on the door. But there were other things I couldn't ignore so easily—such as his tight grip on my upper arm and the warmth that was spreading beneath his fingers onto my skin. It had been several months since I'd been this close to Draco Malfoy. Several very long, torturous, incredibly lonely months filled with agony and…well, I'm sure we all known what it was filled with—longing.

The night of the ball had been planned to perfection, even the tuff assed Slytherin beside me had to admit to a job well done. We were both dressed in out costumes and seeing to the final touches before the rest of our fellow students were to arrive.

"I have to give it to you Granger, you really know how to use those streamers." Blaise joked grinning at me from behind his black mask.

I didn't wear a mask, so I knew my features were clearly and horribly open to the world. But I smiled obligingly. "This was the easy part."

"Now we have to survive it." He finished for me, causing me to grin widely. I couldn't help but take a shine to the guy. He really was remarkable.

"No kidding." I murmured, my eyes sweeping over the room once more. "This should really be a grand breeding ground for…"

"Now, now…don't go all bitter on me again. You and I know what this ball is for and that's all that counts. We did our part in the 'inter-bonding and improvement of inter-house relationships'. After all, did we or did we not just survive six weeks of each others non stop company without one case of hexing?"

Laughing lightly I nodded briskly. "Very true."

"Good, just keep that mood, and that smile, and everything will go fine. Just…" He set his hand on my shoulder. "Just don't think too hard about it all. You're much too mature for your age."

"So are you."

"But I'm better at hiding it."

That sadly was the end of the conversation as the doors swept open and a throng of students in majestic gowns and robes swirled in.

Try as I might, I knew this was going to be a horrible night.

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until next time,

jd.